How do I tell my mother that her husband will not be coming home to her?

I feel bad for your mom. Not only did she lose the presence of the man that was taking care of her, but now she can't see him anymore. What a blow to her already delicate brain. Can you set up Skype possibly so she can interact with him where he is? Being cut off from him so abruptly must be awful, even if she does have dementia. If it were my mother, I'd be thinking outside the box in order for her to at least see him on a regular basis. Surely the people with hospice can hold up a laptop for them to see each other. It won't be like hands on for her, but maybe better then nothing. I feel for her.

Why not put her in the same care with her husband since your thinking about putting her in a Nursing Home anyway. They might as well be together in a nursing home even if he is on Hospice care. Doesn't that make sense??? Or better yet, since you want your Mother near, transfer him to California to a Nursing facililty there with her by his side. Just a thought.

Luvmom, your husband is an angel! I love to hear about that kind of compassion.

Ptimmie, where is your Mothers husband at? Would it be possible for her to be able to be with him when he goes? This story is heartbreaking. Perhaps with some live in help they can be together for a little while. Do the Doctors know how much longer her husband has? Also how advanced is her AD? The answers to these questions would help me to give better advise.

Try telling her the truth to start. If it's more than she can handle (makes her cry, etc) indulge in theraputic fibbing. Tell her he is out of the country (or visiting his kids or whatever) so she is visiting with you for now.

I also have the same situation and saw it hundreds of times at the daycare. I like that phrase "theraputic fibbing" as the daycare and alz association taught me that I had to lie to keep her happy. It ws fought but now it's the norm around here. In fact, I just told mom dads on the way home and she said "oh good" and started eating. We had a tougher time when she wasn't as forgetful but with time we can even now saw he is in the bathroom and she is ok. I used to have to say it several times, not anymore. She also sometimes thinks my husband is her husband , she gets so excited when he gets home and he kisses her and tells her he loves her and they Sit down to dinner. Sometimes she has her hand on his leg or holds his hand, it's wonderful. Good luck and remember whatever works to keep her happy, try it little by little.
Luvmom

some will say you should tell her others will say you shouldn't. I'm in a similar situation as you with my father but our mother is gone. However you think will spare her is what I think you should do. At this point in their lives and with an illness like Dementia it's like making them suffer if you keep having to repeat yourself.

I too feel for her and her husband. I have taken care of Hospice patients. I can't imagine what he is thinking. He took care of her and now you whisk her away ? How sad. I'm sure he would feel very grateful if he could see her at least one more time. Even if she doesn't realize it. He may be dying but, sometimes their minds are sharp to the end. Don't you think you owe him for taking care of her ? He must have loved her to do this. I walk in to a patients house to help them go through the stages of their life ending. I always leave with my heart broke losing a friend. But, one thing I know is, their last days with me by their side was heaven.

My heart goes out to your mom, her husband, you and your siblings. You did the best you thought and were able to do. So if you have feelings of doubt and reprimand yourself, let it go and acknowledge that you did the best you knew how.
Although each situation is unique and I know little about yours, maybe my experience helps you in your decisions.

Once my husband developed ALZ, we sold the farm and moved from Central CA to AZ to be closer to family. The Arizona desert was alien to him and he felt threatened by it. He began to walk away from home, wanting to go back to Los Angeles, the LA of his youth and younger years. (As he progressed through ALZ, his memory of incidents and people ended somewhere in his 50s with little memory of events and people after that age). After a number of "escapes" and frequently asking to go "home", I took him to LA. The area he grew up in is now a dangerous, gang dominated area. He recognized a few places but of course most of it was very changed as were the looks of the people there. I then took him back to the farm and we stayed there for a few days. It had changed and he felt lost there, too. We then drove back to AZ and while he had seen the changes and all, a few days later, he started to walk off to go to the Los Angeles of his youth. He did not remember the recent trip.

What I'm saying is, that you can take mom to see her husband to assure her that he has the care he needs, but don't expect that your mom will be any less demanding about going back to MS after you are back home.
Yet, if her husband is still able to comprehend, it would be a great kindness if you could take your mom back to see him.
Best wishes to all of you.
Margarete

She may need to know that he is getting care right now. Any way they could converse over the phone or maybe get a pretty card for Husbands that she can sign and send to him. Thats a tough one. My mom also has dementia.This disease breaks my heart. I find myself missing my mom. The old mom. We live together also, and that adds alot of stress, but she is my mom. I considered AL, but I have decided to put that off until her disease is at point where its absolutely necessary. She is my mom. Drives me crazy, but I still love her, and know that I will take the best care of her until it's no longer in my hands. She raised 2 kids alone, with bad back, and I just can't leave her alone. One day I will look back and know I did the best thing for me,her, and the situation. Tough decisions are just that tough. They have to be made. I've learned its best to think things over for awhile before I make impulse decisions. Good Luck! Kellyb,