Should I feel guilty if I want to stop caring for my grandmother and start my own life?

Hey Thyme. I am in the exact same situation, only I am caring for my Grandfather as well. I am moving out. I'm 25. You see, you and I will be taking care of our parents some day. They all got to live their lives. We deserve ours too. You know what I started doing? I told my mom what she needed to do and that I was moving out. And guess what? She doesn't have a choice now, since I'll be gone sept 23rd. This is not our job. We are at that part of our lives where we need to be building our own life. It's not fair for our families to expect us to be the main caregivers. I tried, and I'm moving on. And it's okay for you to do this too. Don't let people guilt you into staying, that is manipulative and unfair. It's great that we tried to help our Grandparents, but we can't neglect ourselves. I am in the process of getting home health care in the home so that I can leave. My Grandparents are too mean and nasty for any family member to tolerate living here. If a nursing home is what they need...then that is where they will go. I am not a medical dr nor am I a psychotherapist. I am just a granddaughter who wanted to help, and they need much more than me. Hugs and good luck. Live your life. Let her children take over her care because one day you will be caring for your mother and you can't give your whole life over to caregiving.

Oh my goodness I can totally relate to what you are saying, my sister and I lived with our grandmother for about 10 years, she just passed in February. You need to set some guidelines for yourself. My sister and I worked off each other the last 2 years when her health really started declining and yes she complained but as my sister put it well pick your battles with her. Sit down with her and make the grocery list include her it worked for us "Grandma what would you like from the grocery store" if it takes a couple of hours then it takes a couples of hours. She may feel her independence has been taken away. When you cook include her "Hey grandma, can you tell me how to make......" or if you have something that she can stir, mix, easy cutting bring the ingredents to her let her help prepare the meals. That is what we used to do with our gradmother. Maybe if she feels included in something she wont be so fussy or complaining when family members come over.

As far as guilt about moving on with your life, I thought that SO SO SO many times in the two years, for me the decision to move on with my life would result in her going into the nursing home and that was something I wasn't going to put her through, I gave up my life to make sure she stayed home till the end. Looking back I would NOT have traded it for anything in the world. If she were still alive I would still be doing it. That is something you must really sit back and think about. YOU AND ONLY YOU have to handle the outcome good or bad. If you choose to stay and continue to care for her will it be easy no you will feel stressed, tired, exhaused, overwhelemed, but you did it to the best of your ability. If you choose to move on that wont be easy either but you will be doing that to the best of your ability.

Now my sister worked a full time job in the day time so what we did that worked for us like I said we bounced off each other. I stayed home and took care of her from 730am-600pm then when my sister came home we had dinner touched basis on what went on through the day usally we on her way home from work, then I would go out and do my thing till 11 or 12 at night go to my aunts, church, walmart, something that got me a break but I could have my life as well.

I hope this helps you out.

Thyme, part of me wonders if your grandma hadn't become difficult and cantankerous would you still want to move out? What if she had stayed the same, would that have made a difference or is it just time to move out? I think the answer to those questions might shed some light on what you will do. It was a wonderful thing to have a grandma so willing to have so many people come and go thru her house for as long as she did. Those are memories that you will never forget.

I can relate. My mother is in asst. living. But I have no other family to help or support me. I have been dealing with her many health, financial, mental, and practical needs for about 5 years now, non stop. The SAD thing is there are 3 other siblings who dont even pick up the phone and call her. So, I feel like I have to meet all her needs with no support. I am thankful she
is in Asst. Living and am getting them to do alot of her follow up dr. appts. I am very concerned about what this is doing to my health. It is important for you to take care of yourself. Life is too short to feel it is always grueling. I struggle with this. So, I am taking practical steps to improve my life, while making sure my mother's needs are met. I have to! Perhaps you should sit down with your family (at least you have support) and work out a plan perhaps to get her more care so you can have a life. You at least, are young. I am 53, and want to live. My teeenage son has been neglected because of some intense seasons (hospital, rehab stays). And he has gotten into trouble. I have to make changes and you do too. We may always struggle with guilt, but if we know in our hearts we have done what we could, then at least we have that.

OP here,
thanks to everyone for your answers, all gave me some much needed perspective, from others who are also caregivers, something I've been feeling a lack of. Particularly helpful was the question of weather or not would would want to leave if my grandmother's moods had not become so difficult. hearing this reminded me that I have planned to move upon graduation since I first moved in, and also that my grandmother has in that past been very consistent in saying that this arrangement will only last as long as it is beneficial to both of us.
I was feeling quite lost when I wrote this question, and the intervening days, conversations with a few family members and all your thoughtful answers have made me feel on firmer ground.
So as soon as I find a position that allows me to do so I will be moving out, and my aunts and uncles will have full opportunity to benefit from the growth experience that is care giving.
Also, thanks to the people who mentioned that a simpler existence might be less upsetting for Grandma, I'm not sure how this would be implemented in my family, but it is an important thought, that the warm but sometimes loud and chaotic bosom of family may not be the best place to live at 90.

I totally disagree with darleeng096 because Thyme is a granddaughter and her sister. They are young women and need to live their own lives. They have already done much more than any grandchildren I know. IT IS THE poor Grandmother's CHILDRENS PLACE TO TAKE CARE OF THEIR OWN MOTHER. What the hell is wrong with them? Very selfish of them. Grandaughters PLEASE go and leave it with her own children. Then you and visit as you are able and I know you love her dearly. I have helped 2 days a week with my bedridden mother for 3 1/2 years along with my wonderful stepfather of 16 yrs, who is now 92. I know how you girls feel. I was there for my mother untill this past Dec when she passed. I out of 3 other siblings have been the ONE.I never regreted a moment because she was my Mother ( not a grandmother ). I also took my disabled brother 68 in for past 3 yrs now. I am so tired and fried because he has 3 grown children and not one has been here except one and only one time. I have to get my life back now while I am still healthy. A parent and child is one thing normal to stand by each other but all the rest is bs. Not fair period, no matter how much we love family members. Do not feel quilty, its your parents responsibility!!

@ Karentaylor, OP here
My condolences on your loss, and my thanks for sharing such a recent loss. Your home must feel so empty with her gone.
It is this sudden end, in part, that makes me want a little distance, when she is gone I want to remember her whole life (or the last 27 years anyway) that I got to be a part of, and I want to do it in a place where I will not be crushed by the absence of her wandering, bitter, final incarnation.
and before her passing I want to be some one she is happy to see again, rather then the chiding task mistress I must now be so much of the time.
again, my condolences, remember your love for her, your love that was expressed every time you used a fantasy of escape to get you through another day caring for her when she needed you. Bless you and be well.

our MIL has last stage dementia, and lives w/us still. She cannot walk and doesn't know who we are now. We are keeping her home and doing the best we can. She barely eats now and has no congitive ability left. If she is still with us by the end of the year we have decided to put her in a home as we can no longer deal with the stress. We have 3 teenagers and it is starting to get rough. MIL keeps my family up all night sometimes and is never happy and you cannot make her happy. It is time for my family to be first. We have put her first for the last 3 years. It is really getting between us all. We are doing the best we can. Hang in there.

Thyme, you'll have to consult your personal conscience, but in my world I have stringent requirements in order for something to qualify for guilt feelings:

An actiion intended to harm others, or without regard to the harm it may cause others.

That's it. No harm, no guilt.

Here are things that should generate guilt feelings:
robbing a bank
cursing the postman because all you got was bills
knocking down a little old lady and grabbing her purse
cheating on your income taxes (making others pay your share)
using the last of the toilet paper and not replacing the role
running out on someone who is depending on you (boss, roommate, etc.) without adequate notice or preparation

So, if I were in your spot, the question my conscience would be asking me, is "are you doing this to harm Grandma? Have you taken the steps you can to prevent or mitigate any unintentional harm?"

Getting on with your own life is not in the same category as stealing money out of your motehr's purse, at least by my ethical standards. You have to consult your own standards.

I know you love her very much but remember what you are instructed to do in an airplane when there is an emergency: put the oxygen mask over your own face first and then help your dependent. Your family will put an alternate plan in place and you will be part of it. However, you won't be giving up your whole life to her and you'll find that you actually enjoy being with her again when it's in more limited doses. You'll also have more energy to help solve the problems. She may need a more simple living environment with less variables since everything affects her negatively. Also, she may need anti-depression meds. My wonderful father grew unbearable to be around until he entered (involuntarily) assisted living with dementia care. After a 9 month transition he started to thrive because his life was simpler. Anti-depression meds made him fun to be with again. The family takes turns taking him out about 5 days a week and he stays for hours at our houses. He's integrated into the family but has a life that his diminishing energy and mental capacity can handle. I wish you much luck at this difficult time.