How does an only child caring for their aging parent get help?

Personally, I think you do have a moral obligation to see to it that an elderly parent is taken care of.

You do not have an obligation to accept abuse, blackmail, or undermining of your parental authority.

If your mother has dementia, then much of her behavior is beyond her control, and that alters how you approach it, but in any case you do not need to accept abuse. Is there any indication that Mom might have dementia? What kind of help/care are you providing for her now?

I do not understand why your mother is not willing to help you financially, at least to the extent of paying you for the services you provide. I would certainly do that in her situation. But she isn't willing to, so you might as well accept that and think of other ways to avoid foreclosure. The job market may be picking up a bit -- have you tried finding a job lately? Are there after-school activity options for your children so they are supervised while you work? Have you looked into any relief available to homeowners facing foreclosure?

I can see that having the kids spend time with their grandmother one evening a week should be a win-win. Good bonding opportunity for kids and Gram, and a night out for you. Obviously this is not working out for you. Find a way to have your adult interactions without depending on Gram, who has unfortunately proved undependable.

Do you have durable power of attorney for your mother? If she is competent and doesn't want your name on her accounts, why not take it off? (If she is legally imcompetent, that is a different issue, but you haven't indicated that is the case.)

You have your hands more than full as a single mother. I my opinion, your obligation to see that Mother is cared for can be fulfilled by arranging the type of help she needs. If she isn't willing to pay for it done, that is not your responsibility.

Pretend you do live on the oppostie side of the country. How would you handle your mortgage situation? How would you arrange for a night out? I don't think you can count on Mom, sad as that is. Accepting the reality can help you get moving to do what needs to be done on your own behalf.

Your mother needs to understand that you are not at her beck and call and that you will not put up with verbal abuse.

Good luck!

Is sounds like you are on the right track. It is sad, but distancing yourself at this point may be the best thing to do in the long run.

Now that you know how it goes with your mother, perhaps moving closer to the specialty doctors your child needs and to a larger job market would be a good thing. If/when Mom needs more care she can pay for it. If she needs assisted living she may be sorry that she didn't take out long term care insurance, but that is not your problem. Your first obligation now is to your children, and to giving them a calm, sane mother.

Good luck!

Thanks for your reply, Jeanne! This is a tough situation and I’m still not sure what the future holds for us.

I do not think my mother has dementia yet. She’s just becoming more forgetful and crabby as she ages. Right now I am running errands in town for her and helping balance her checking and savings accounts since she never had to do this before my dad passed away. She’s still pretty physically active as well. I also cut and style her hair yet she refuses to pay me what I pay to have mine done. Whenever she provides meals for my children, she expects me to replace the items she uses as the same value (dollar store) and become upset when I come back with anything different.

I have gone through the Home Loan Modification program with my bank, and they have agreed to reduce my mortgage payment by $85 a month, which really does not help much at all, but it is better than foreclosure. I have sent out countless resumes and have gotten little response.

I am educated (I hold a Bachelor’s Degree) and the employers here want to pay minimum wage whenever possible, so I find that I am often over-qualified. When I do get interviews, I don’t get the jobs I think primarily because I need a very flexible schedule to meet the medical needs of my son. Most of his specialty doctors are located 250+ miles away and whenever we travel for his care, I have to take whatever appointments are available.

We are so rural here than I cannot even find someone willing to go through training for respite care for my son, which would be paid for through the state. And if I did find a full-time job, there is not any child care available with openings for three children, let alone with qualifications to take care of my son with his sensory issues. He needs one-on-one care to avoid the self-stimulating behavior that is typical with autistic children.

I do not have durable power of attorney for my mother, so your suggestion for taking my name off her accounts may be a good one. I hadn’t thought of that and it might relieve some of the pressure she feel from my being on them and her fears of my being to close to her assets.

I was doing exactly what you suggested the other night for my HS reunion. I was pretending I lived on the opposite side of the country. I was just a mile down the road when Mom went a little “crazy” and insulted my neighbors and me, saying I was a terrible mother to leave my children home for a few hours. They had gone to my neighbors to watch movies with their children and that is when my mother called them, insulted them, and then told my children to get their “royal assholes home.”

Yesterday when she continued to hang up on us and not take our calls, I decided to distance myself and children from her as much as possible. I will no longer ask her for any child care, which is a loss to both her and my children, and when she wants me to do something for her I will now present her with a bill.
Thanks for all your suggestions. They leave me feeling a little less alone in all of this.

Amen! And this has been my goal over the last few months...expanding my job search to that area where my son's doctors are. You made my day with your response. Thanks again.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, Cindy! These are all things I need to hear in my attempt to completely, "cut the cord."

Do you consider home health agency?

Joanna24, a home health agency for my mom? She not at the point where she needs any help and is such a private person that she wouldn't let anyone in her home. Sad, but true.