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Is there such a thing as caring too much?

Asked by bobkupsch | Dec 21, 2009

My spouse, is 55 years old with early onset Alzheimer's

Is there such a thing as caring too much? Seems the more I do, the less she does. Do I back off and let her struggle, it hurts to watch a loved one have difficulties performing what used to be simple daily tasks. Yet sometimes I can't help feeling abused.

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Carol Bradley Bursack, Dec 22, 2009

Over the span of two decades author, columnist and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Because of this experience, Bradley Bursack created a portable support group, the book “Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories.” Her sites, www.mindingourelders.com and www.mindingoureldersblogs

You are right to question this. It's easy (I fell into that at times) to do too much. People should be allowed to do as much as they can. This often takes more patience on your side, and it is painful to watch them struggle. It's normal to want to make her life easier. But helping her help herself (when possible) may be better than just doing everything for her. She needs a purpose in life, and you need to protect yourself from getting resentful.

I'd suggest helping her to help herself, then do what she absolutely can't. Then, look for outside help to spell you once in awhile. If you don't have relatives or friends who can help, try an in-home agency. She may not like that, but you sound as though you need a break.
Carol

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Health1

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Dec 23, 2009

I agree they need to do what they can. For more help for YOU, the well spouse, visit www.wellspouse.org.

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anonymous13319

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Dec 23, 2009

Bob: My Mom does not have Alz. but has many physical/mobility challenges. At first, I would jump in and do things for her thinking that I was helping. Now I just back off, let her deal with the simpler things and jump in when something poses too much of a challenge or is dangerous. I try to find activities that keep both her body and mind active. And I, too, am so sad to see this once active, vibrant person struggling with the everday things that we take for granted.

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Dirk

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Dec 22, 2009

I have the opposite problem in that my spouse tries to do more than she is really capable of. Sometimes I have to do things over, but I encourage her efforts. I believe that the longer she tries to fight the problems of dementia, the longer she will have a near normal life. At times it's difficult and it's heart breaking to see someone trying so hard, but I don't want her to give up.

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ezcare

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Dec 22, 2009

Although doctors have been able to diagnose Alzheimer's disease for many years, it is only recently that the number of diagnosed cases have reached a level that touches almost every American family directly or indirectly. Consequently, most of us have not developed the caregiver tools required for this very strange illness. On the one hand, it sounds reasonable to expect an Alzheimer's patient to do for themselves as much as possible. Most physical ailments mend faster if the patient is forced to exercise and work at recovery as soon as they are physically able. However, Alzheimer's is not like that. It is partially a mental disease (would you force a person suffering clinical depression to "get out there and feel good about yourself"?) And it is partially a physical disease that currently has no effective treatment or cure (would you expect a person with ALS to work at improving their physical coordination?) Until we gain a better understanding of how this disease progresses and what treatments appear to work best, we need to proceed with CAUTION. Patients who have been highly independent before the onset of Alzheimer's will likely not need to be prodded to do for themselves but, caregivers need to intervene when doing so poses a threat to the patient or others (driving is an excellent example of this) Patients who have tended to be reticent before the onset of the disease will likely need to be prodded by caregivers to keep up social contacts and to do for themselves as much as possible.

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evita555

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Mar 15, 2010

My husband has all the signs of Alzheimer. However he refuses
any treatment. he even refuses to talk to our Doctor about it.-
He is getting abusive with me.- He finds a way to fight for any simple little thing.- He insults me every time.- What can I do, where can I go ??? I know for a fact I cannot go on like this any longer.- It if imperative that he accepts treatment and some
medication, or we will come to a point where he will HIT me and
I will not be able to take care of him.- I am 67 - He is 75.
Plase let me know what I can do .

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