How do I care for my mom, she constantly puts me down?

For me being a Christian the things that your mother is believing in is also nonsense otherwise it would've been part of God's word, so that's what I would say to anyone trying to push that stuff on me. But I have no idea why YOU think it's nonsense. Maybe that's where you should start, is rebuking what she's saying and why you're disagreeing with her. Just sit down and tell her, 'I'm going to explain to you mom exactly why I don't believe what you're saying, then I'm not going to talk about it again'. For me, I would get out the Bible and refute every single thing that she's saying, but that's just because I don't mind a confrontation about things like this. But if you don't want to confront her past the initial talk, then don't go there with her. Don't let her bait you. Hold up your hand and say 'talk to the hand mom'. Whatever works for you, do it.

I'm more concerned about your mother's put-downs than her love of tarrot cards. "Mom, I can't change my age and I can't change my genes, so I'd prefer not to hear your predictions of my future. Time will tell if you are right." Repeat this as often as necessary.

It sounds like spiritual beliefs is not a good topic of discussion between you. If it upsets you or bores you to hear about her horescope for the day -- or yours! -- tell her so and ask that those topics be off limit.

What else could you redirect the conversation to? A movie you've both seen? Something you remember her cooking long ago that you'd like to learn to make? An interesting article in today's paper? What you are thinking of buying cousin Corrine for the upcoming wedding? Surely there are other things to talk about other than dire predictions for your future or Mom's spirtual beliefs. Refuse to engage on the "off limits" topics, but have some other items to start talking about.

How long has she been that way? Has she always been negative? Were you ever able to have a good conversation with her? If this happened suddenly, I am wondering what caused it, if it is medical, have you spoke with her doctor? If she has always been this way, then it could still be negative, could be hormonal, etc. Just a thought! My mother has always been negative, two faced & mean, to those she isn't getting her way with, it works for her! With my mom my husband & I figured out that as long as we did exactly what she says, live where she wants us to live, do all her yard work, farm her ground, then she is nice to us. When you don't do what she wants, or if you have to move, due to employment, etc., then she hates you! My sister lives in another state & she treats her like crap. She can't come to all events, most recently was eye surgery to save her eye sight in the one eye she still had sight in, but that meant that my sister would miss our parents 65th anniversary party, that one of our siblings set up, without checking with me or my sister, in fact I wasn't invited until too late to go, had other plans! So mom is pissed at both of us, being really hateful, to the point when dad goes in the hospital, we don't even get a call, he was recently in hospital & a week later out & when I called to see how things were going, was told then about how sick dad had been, had actually been air lifted to a hospital in large city, but we weren't told about it. When my sister asked why we weren't notified, mom told her we didn't care enough to go to the party, so that's why we weren't notified. My sister tried to tell mom once again that she had to have eye surgery, mom said "your surgeon could change the date!" I feel for you know what you are going through, that's why I ask how long has your mother been that way?

Lots of hugs, Marilyn

Hi NJ~
I have had this issue for more years than I like to remember. Number 1: therapy helped me tremendously. My 90 yo mom is an alcoholic; dry alcoholic at this point. She has had issues with control, jealousy (of me) and concerns about what her legacy will be; these were NOT diagnosed by anyone other than me learning why I am like I am. I reached a point where I learned to set boundaries; in other words, I didn't allow her put-downs or speaking to me as if I was a little girl. It certainly hasn't been easy, but it does keep the peace. I walk away or tell her that what she has said isn't acceptable. She still tries once in a while. Now she is working her "magic" on the hospice nurse because Sarah is kind and can be intimidated; I just changed nurses to a stronger personality one and think this may work. I can actually say I love my mom..and that wasn't always the case. It took a lot of hard work on my part. I wish you all the best; it just isn't easy♥

Sounds like we've similar mom's. For the "put downs" I found that agreeing with her or beating her to the punch made her "defend" me and lift me up instead or she found other things to go on about (just keep doing the same thing eventually they run out of stuff to say!) as for the tarot cards etc: If she is Wiccan it may not be something you are comfortable with but it is a Federally recognized religion and can be considered abuse if you literally tell her it is "nonsense" simply tell her that you are glad she has a belief system but that yours varies from hers and you both need to agree that one subject is off limits for discussion! good luck~

Yes I certainly do know how you feel. I've been caregiving for my mom 2 years now. She is in early stage dementia, and I do SO much for her. Like everything. I cook, clean, doc. appts. I mean you name it & I'm doing it. However she does second geuss me & my decisions alot. I'm 31, have a small son I'm raising and I need her to relize that I'm my own woman now & not the little girl she remembers me being. I want to give good advice,but I'm going thru sort of same thing. I think that we have to stay strong by being true to who we are & our own personal beliefs. If your mom & you have different views just tell her that you appreciate that she has her own belief or opionion, but you also have yours to & its ok that they are different. Just agree to disagree. Tough Challenge, I know. Good luck to you. kellyb

Sounds like there are a lot of us around. My mom is also very negative, and everything has been so much worse for her than what anyone else has had to go through. She still goes on and on about how hard it was living with my father, and he's been gone 20 years now. She's been living with my son and me for the past 4 years, she could no longer live on her own because of trouble with back pain and no always remembering to take her meds properly. My son and my way of life came to a screeching halt! Now what we can do, etc., all revolves around mom. She continually puts me down, from I won't be able to find anothe job when I retire to I'm lucky to have the job I have, I'm too heavy, I should forget about trying to find a nice looking man because they'll never give me the time of day - I should just take whatever I can get and consider myself lucky, I'm a lousy housekeeper, I can't cook, I'm not a good Christian and I should stop pretending (I do the best I can), and the list goes on and on. She just recently had a stroke, or rather, a series of TIA's and is currently in a rehab facility. So far things are not going well, but it's only been a week. I tried counseling, which helped a little. I was told that when mom starts in on me to just say "whatever" and walk away. Only trouble is, mom caught on to that pretty quick, and now makes snide remarks about it. She's a very unhappy person, and I think she always has been. Maybe that's your mom's problem too. Does she have any friends, any other interests like reading, or word games, or any kind of needlecraft, etc.? Changing the subject when she starts in is good advice, but it won't always work. I know - been there, done that. My mom is a firm believer in ghosts, and watches everything she can find on t.v. about them. What's strange is that she is also a really big fan of Joyce Meyer, and watches her all the time too. Just tell your mom that religion and politics are never good topics for discussion, because everyone has different views, and the discussions almost always end up in an argument, and you don't want to argue with her. And just try to turn a deaf ear to her when she starts her insulting. Most probably she's not going to stop, no matter what you do. It's hard, 'cause she's your mom, but try not to take any of it personally. She wants you to be as miserable as she is, most probably . . . mine does, and more or less told me that.

I am sooo sorry . . . I didn't mean to write so much. Guess that's a touchy subject with me. ;-)

yes, i once experience something that kind of behavior. It's just telling you that she is still in control.She knows that you are not listening and she will not change untill she get your total attention . The big issue is "FORGIVENESS" and it is hard to do when you continue to think about the past. I had to go back to "GOD" in order to forgive my Mom ,and when i realali

Wow, there are always alot of responses to guestions like this. My take is get as much distance between you and your Mom as possible. Nothing you do will help when you have a narcissistic parent, nothing. I have tried for four years to get my Mom to see how horribly she has treated me and how much she has hurt me. I like the comment about the sister moving away for employment and being blamed. That happened to me. My husband lost his job when we had three (twins) little girls and I was a stay home Mom. Instead of being glad he found a good job with a good company, all Mom did was blame me for moving. It is no better now 23 years later. With your Mom and mine it is all about them, no one else.

My Dad died almost four years ago,, he had Parkinson's and colitius. He was weak from the colitius and fell in the back yard and couldn't get up. Mom told me he cried for help until someone came out and found him. For almost 4 years she has told this story, making fun of him crying for help, and how she thought he was trying to get attention. She even said she didn't think he really had Parkinson's disease. She repeated this story to me, again, yesterday. It made me sick. You see narcissistic people never change, they are evil. You have to recognize that. Your Mom is trying to force her "religion" on you. I don't like that, religion is personal. But narcissist can't stand it when everyone doesn't agree with them.

May it is time for Assisted Living, a Nursing Home or any place but yours