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Hi Deb. Wanted to check in and say Hi. I hope you're doing ok? I'm still having major problems with depression & anxiety, and stay in my room most all of my time. I feel guilty for isolating myself fr ...Read More

Hi Deb. Wanted to check in and say Hi. I hope you're doing ok? I'm still having major problems with depression & anxiety, and stay in my room most all of my time. I feel guilty for isolating myself from my mom, but my emotional state just won't allow me to put on a fake smile and act happy when I feel SO sad & hopeless inside. I don't want to be the way I am, but don't know how to get out of the situation I've found yself in.

Thx for the Hug! Looking at your Profile I see that we do have ALOT in common! I'm so glad to hear from you! Maybe we can be a continuous support for each other. How do you cope with all of the losses ...Read More

Thx for the Hug! Looking at your Profile I see that we do have ALOT in common! I'm so glad to hear from you! Maybe we can be a continuous support for each other. How do you cope with all of the losses in your life? We're both still fairly young. I've fallen into a horrible depression, to the point where I'm scared. I can't seem to pull myself out of this one. I feel I have no purpose except to try and keep my mom happy and help them stay in their home. I'm on disability myself for chronic pain condtions, which don't seem to matter. It makes me sad and scared to know I'm missing out on my entire life and won't get these years back. How do you cope? If you want to chat easier, you can email me at:

OMG! I meant $9000 a year!!!

I'm so sorry that you've been put in this situation! My heart goes out to you. I'm in a very similar situation. I used to do counted cross-stitch, quilt, paint, write, amoung many other hobbies I real ...Read More

I'm so sorry that you've been put in this situation! My heart goes out to you. I'm in a very similar situation. I used to do counted cross-stitch, quilt, paint, write, amoung many other hobbies I really enjoyed. Now I do nothing, since living with my mom and s-dad who I'm the sole caregiver for. They don't like lights on. The house is dark and lacks joy. All I do now is what I must for them, and then stay in bed most all day everyday. The stress of caring for others (physically & emotionally) has made my chronic pain conditions and depression 100 times worse. I have panic attacks. I grieve losing all of my middle aged years... years that we can't get back. I'm on Disability myself for CRPS/FIBRO/RSD/SEVERE DEPRESSION, yet I'm the only one to care for these people. My mom knows and see's the pain I'm in, but they have needs they want & need met. They absolutely refuse outside help and since it's their house & they're of sound mind, I can't demand they accept help other than myself. I love my mother, but would move out fast if I could. Being on disability I have no money to move, and cannot get any Assistance b/c "I make too much money." Stress will cause illness, or cause existing problems to get worse!!! I wish you could get some respite and peace. You deserve it and NEED it. I find that praying helps alot. I'll certainly be praying for you! Keep sharing your concerns, anxieties and how you're doing, here with others who understand and are here to love and support you. (((HUGS))) ~ Kathy

I feel for you. We have alot in common w/ our mom's health issues and their emotional issues. I'm hoping you have siblings or other family who could give you a badly needed break. (((HUGS!!!))) - Kath ...Read More

I feel for you. We have alot in common w/ our mom's health issues and their emotional issues. I'm hoping you have siblings or other family who could give you a badly needed break. (((HUGS!!!))) - Kathy

I understand your dilema! I have the same problem with my mom. She's not mean, but just sits at the kitchen table ALL day, smoking and staring, holding her hands over her ears or face. She denies any ...Read More

I understand your dilema! I have the same problem with my mom. She's not mean, but just sits at the kitchen table ALL day, smoking and staring, holding her hands over her ears or face. She denies any pain. She doesn't have or want any friends, refuses to do any sort of activity. I've tried to get her interested in SO many things but she has no interest in Anything. It makes me depressed and irritable, and I feel SO guilty when I need to lay down to take care of my own pain, and my own emotional state. My mom is on an anti-depressant. Maybe meds for depression would help your mom if she's not already on something? You need to have time for yourself or you will get sick yourself. My thoughts & prayers are with you! - Kathy

Thx SO much for thinking of me :-) Sorry for the late reply. I'm w/out a computer right now, but can use my cellphone to get online when it decides to work. I' hanging in. The Holiday's are hard to ge ...Read More

Thx SO much for thinking of me :-) Sorry for the late reply. I'm w/out a computer right now, but can use my cellphone to get online when it decides to work. I' hanging in. The Holiday's are hard to get through. There's just no joy in this house. I'm so thankful for everyone here! I hope you have a nice New Years! Thanks so much for caring! Kathy

Thank you for caring! I really have no way out. The FOG does hold me hostage. Still, I have no place to go. I'm looking for a therapist who will take Medicare, but so far none will unless I have a 2nd ...Read More

Thank you for caring! I really have no way out. The FOG does hold me hostage. Still, I have no place to go. I'm looking for a therapist who will take Medicare, but so far none will unless I have a 2nd-ary ins. which I can't afford.

I'm in the same boat with my mom. She's good in front of others, but she's been & still is very depressed esp. since Christmas eve. Needless to say xmas was a sad, dark day. I'm an only child with NO ...Read More

I'm in the same boat with my mom. She's good in front of others, but she's been & still is very depressed esp. since Christmas eve. Needless to say xmas was a sad, dark day. I'm an only child with NO help. My mom did attempt suicide in the past (2004), and I found her in time. Now I can't ever trust her again & her severe depression concerns me. I know that if she decides to try and end her life again, it's not my fault. EMJO is correct in all she said! I've read alot about DAUGHTERS OF NARCISSISTIC MOTHERS, and I think reading up on this would explain alot in your situation. You deserve to have privacy and not be an abused caregiver! "Perfect Daughter's" is another awesome book that is helpful. God Bless, Kathy

I'm the sole caregiver for my mom & s-dad. I have NO help and am on disability myself for chronic pain conditions and depression. My pain doesn't matter. I'm hitting bottom with depression and feel ho ...Read More

I'm the sole caregiver for my mom & s-dad. I have NO help and am on disability myself for chronic pain conditions and depression. My pain doesn't matter. I'm hitting bottom with depression and feel hopeless. I have NO life of my own. I feel so guilty and try to keep my mom's spirits up, but nothing I say helps. My mom sits at the kitchen table all day, chain smoking and hangs her head. I do what I can, but stay in my room most all day, everyday. I try to sleep as much as I can b/c I can't stand the negativity and darkness in the house. I'm being real honest here... I pray to go to sleep and not wake up. I have no money to move out and cannot get any Assistance. I 've had to stop seeing my therapist b/c I cannot afford to pay her. My own pain is very bad 24/7. I have no friends. They don't like any visitors and my s-dad is very sexually inappropriate to anyone who comes into their house, so people keep their distance. I've called the Office of Aging and any other places I thought could help, but since my mom & s-dad are of sound mind they can and do refuse all outside help. I have a s-sister close by, but she can't handle the oppressive negativity or her father's awful comments he makes to her and about her. I understand. If/when something happens to my mom, I'll be homeless. My only joy in life is my 4yo dog, who is my World! I can't lose him! That would be the end of me, as my heart would literally break! I'll end up living in my car, making sure my puppy gets excellent care. Then my s-sister said she'd call the police on me if I stayed in my car, even though I can't live with her. I have nowhere to turn and cannot keep up the pace of taking care of all the chores & caregiving. I'm physically amd emotionally in trouble. Thanks everyone for being here! Your support means the world to me!

i hope everyone is doing well. I've been having a lot of depression and panic attacks, which is preventing me from posting. I miss everyone!
Kathy K.

Hi Everyone! Still have this migraine, but have been reading all the scoop that everyone is going through here. I don't know how you can keep any sanity Jam! I think I'd crawl under the porch and le ...Read More

Hi Everyone! Still have this migraine, but have been reading all the scoop that everyone is going through here. I don't know how you can keep any sanity Jam! I think I'd crawl under the porch and let the snakes get me!!! Before I had to go on Disabilty b/c of herniating several discs lifting very heavy patients when I was practicing nursing, I worked in some NH's part-time, trying to keep working, but before that did mostly hospital nsg in open heart and ER. 26 years of full time nursing has cost me the rest of my life! Too much pain to work now, lost everything, friends loonnggg gone, s-sister doesn't come around, and I have both her father and my mom to care for. My mom is in very bad shape. She's a shop-aholic and yesterday had me take her to the Mall where she bought two more pair of shoes/sandals. She didn't do well at all with all the walking. She now has pain in her hip since my s-dad first tried to put on the Ted stocking her vascular surgeon says she must wear for circulation. She's not wearing the stocking anymore... She has severe osteoporosis and I fear maybe she has a mild fracture of her left hip now. Anyway, worse than that, by the time I got her home, she had abdomonal pain, was very weak and thought she was gonna throw up. I know these are symptoms of serious heart problems, and I was praying she wasn't gonna have a heart attack. Anyway, it made her happy to get out of the house to go shopping, so it was worth it to see her happy. Today, as usual, she's spening all of her time at the kitchen table, chain smoking, and she took a Percocet for the hip pain, so now her speech is a bit slurred. She just sits with her eyes closed most of the time, and bobs up and down b/c of her back pain (has bad back pain b/c of the osteoporosis and probable small fractures of some vertebrea.) It's warm here (we live in southeastern PA) and while I'm having heat flashes b/c of menopause, she wears a winter robe, sweaters, etc... It hurts me and scares me to see how frail and ill looking she is. I have a LOT of trouble 'sitting' b/c of my own messed up back with multiple herniated discs and the CRPS and fibro, etc... but I try to spend time with her b/c I know my time with her is limited. Yet I can't sit for too long b/c of my own pain, and then I feel so guilty. I'm also having panic attacks and the depression is awful! I'm on meds for depression, anxiety and PAIN, but nothing seems to work. All I want to do is go to my room, which looks like one big closet, and curl up in the fetal position and try to make the world go away. I hate it that I can't make myself be a more happy person. Now she has my s-dad outside pulling large bushes out!!! He just came in for a rest and can't breath! He has bad COPD and emphysema, as they both do. I never know if either of them will live to see tonight!!! Friday night, I was the enemy again b/c my mom asked me to take her to RiteAid the next day, and I said I'd have to see how my pain levels were. That didn't fly and she snapped at me, telling me that her husband will take her! On Saturday I did three loads of laundry (and am still not finished b/c mom wanted to go shopping), and vacuumed the entire house, hoping that I could get some rest on Sunday. Nope...more shopping! All of this money going for shoes that she may never wear could easily pay for some professional housekeeping to come in and help! Today I'm s/p to go to a dentist appt., but I don't know if I can make it. My own pain is so bad and the depression and anxiety is paralyzing me. I've had migraine's since I was 3 years old, and I remember living on aspirin given to me by my mom, and they also gave me nerve pills at a very young age b/c I was such a nervous child b/c of all of the violence. I never did drugs or drank alcohol when I was young or even as I got older, and feel very lucky since everyone in my entire family had some sort of addiction, esp. to alcohol and nerve pills. I tried so hard to stay away from that sort of behavior, and then ended up on prescription meds b/c of severe chronic pain and on anxiety meds b/c of the frequent panic attacks and depression. I have no insurance, or I'd make an appt. with a psychiatrist to get the panic, anxiety, depression and maybe even the pain under control. Mom bought shoe's yesterday and I spent about $83 on groceries! I'm now trying to stash away whatever cash I can b/c with my being sued from a credit card co., even though I was paying them through a Debt Relief Program, they've threatened to take my car, checking account and anything of value I might have, which is nothing but my car that I've never missed a payment on in the 3 years I have it. I don't know where to turn, and with my mom being so ill I'm feeling selfish for fearing where my puppy and I will go if/when something happens to her. I just can't stay living with my s-father! I'm still fearful when I have to be in the house alone with him, even though he has mellowed over the years... the childhood abuses are still so alive in my head. I've been told by my doctor and every therapist I've seen to GET OUT of their house, but I have no way to do that. I have no money and my once excellent credit is totally ruined. I'll be homeless and that terrifies me! I have no friends left, and no family. All I have in my life that makes me go on is my sweet puppy! If I lose him, I know I'll lose what sanity I might have left. I must try and get to this dentist appt. today, but don't know how I'm going to do it. The pain is so bad. I can't see my therapist b/c I don't have the money to pay her, and I don't qualify for ANY type of Assistance b/c "I make too much money!" Yeah right! I live in an area where there are a lot of minorities, and they get Everything for free! They get medical, food stamps, housing, etc... and their dogs eat steak since food stamps don't cover dog food. I'm NOT prejudice... it's just that the system is totally not fair. There's nothing I can do about it, so I try not to think about it, but can't help wishing I could get some sort of help with prescriptions and medical. At this point I'm rationing my meds b/c I can't afford them all. If the credit card company puts a Judgement against me, I won't be able to get any of my meds and that scares me! I know I'll have a huge amount of pain, but what really scares me is having to go without my antidepressant and antianxiety meds. W/o the antidepressant I start to feel suicidal, and that's just not me! It's the depression that takes over. I have called Women in Crisis and have been denied help from them also. They say they are overwhelmed with helping women who are being beaten by their husbands/boyfriends and have absolutely no time for anything else. Of course I'm glad that abused women have someplace to go for help! I wish my mother would have taken their help when she was being beaten every night as I watched. I might be a stronger person today.

Ladeeda, I think of you often and worry about you too b/c it sounds like Ruth is quite a job to care for. It's not that we don't love our people. It's just sometimes too much for us to handle them physically and/or emotionally. I'm glad you have your cat! Sorry about the catfight situation... We have about 9 cats/kittens that I give milk to every day. I give them the milk from Meals on Wheel's since my mom and s-dad would just throw it away. I love these cats and their kittens!!! I also feed the birds and squirrels. I love birdwatching and will soon put out the Hummingbird feeder and (pain permitting) would like to plant some Silva and other tubular plants that they like, to draw them in.

Miz... My thoughts and prayers are with you! You're going through some heavy s**t!!! I say smoke up if you got um! I still cry when I come across pictures of my dad, especially ones of me and my dad together. His passing devestated me and was so unexpected. I miss him terribly, but know he's in a better place. This world was not kind to him.

Sskape2, glad you were able to quit smoking. I'd start drinking at this point if I could. I get awful headaches and heatflashes from the stuff. Believe me, at this point, I've tried!

Deefer, I'm SO glad for you that you're going to Seattle! I moved out to Seattle, Bainbridge Island, for a few months after my dad died, where I lived with my half-sister for a while. I never really knew her well and things went bad. I had to move back to PA...yes again, once again with my mom and s-dad. I loved Seattle!!! I wish I could move out there again!

Seemeride, I can't even imagine what you must have gone through emotionally and physically trying to get your charge into the shower! I'd be dreading the next time she needs a shower! I say do a T&A! God Bless!!!

Ssiblings, I'm sorry you're so stressed! That could be driving your cholesterol up too.

Linda09, I see you live in PA too... are you near the southeastern area? Kutto's for you on the cleaning and vacuuming! It's hard to keep up!

ASG, you have your hands full too! Make sure you take care of yourself too! Most if not all of us rarely take time to care for ourselves... When is there time???

Evpraxia, I hope your sinus problems are getting better. I have an ear/sinus infection right now and am almost done with a round of antibiotics, which haven't helped...???

Kuli... I hope you're holding up okay. I'm glad you have Hospice! My mom has CHF and PAD also, and it's taking it's toll fast. I look at my mom and wish I could have Hospice come in, but they haven't told her that she needs that kind of help yet. I think I need the emotional support from a group as wonderful as the Hospice folks! One day at a time....

Rossellamex, I agree that some of the elders are better off sedated, especially if they're driving their CG to insanity! As long as it's safe.

June (195Austin), I miss you! I'm so glad you're here!

CareShare! My dear friend in panic, insomnia and migraines! I hope you're doing okay! I think of you often! I don't know how to send my email address to you (or anyone here), but would like to so we could talk more on a personal level about these darn panicky feelings! Be easy on yourself...

Bpryor01, Sorry to hear that your mom's surgery had to be postponed. Better safe than sorry. It does sound like 'angioplasty time'... I'll pray for your mom and for you! Your shoe shopping trip with your mom reminded me of my mom and her shoe fettish. Two more pair from the Mall yesterday!

Jsomebody, I feel for you! I totally understand how burned out you must be! Your cousin's attitude reminds me of my s-sister. In words it sounds good when they say they'll help, but it rarely happens! I agree with you that they can kiss my A$$!

Bobbie, Thank you SO much for starting this thread! It's been a lifesaver! I hope you can get some rest! I hear you when you say how 'spent and beat up' you're feeling. You need time for yourself! Hope your BP stays lower and stabilizes.

BonnieO, God Bless you on having both of your parents living with you, and now your hubby's mom coming to live with you! I hope you have many rooms! I've never seen an Australian Silky... I'm sure he's beautiful and wonderful! Glad you have him!!!

Cuz... Happy Anniversary! Congratulations on 43 years!!! Do something special for the both of you!

Sorry if I haven't mentioned anyone. I am keeping up with reading all that's going on with everyone, but it's hard for me to get onto the computer too often right now with the migraine, depression and anxiety of not knowing if my mom and/or sd will be breathing the next time I come out into the house, and out of the saftey of my room! My s-dad just came inside from trying to pull out bushes. His color is gray, breathing is labored and he's short of breath and is hurting bad. I don't know why my mom pushes him. We've found him laying in the yard more than once from collapsing. Geez!!!!

Love to you all! I wish we all had some help so we could recharge and regroup!

Kathy

Hi All. I'm so glad that I joined all of you here at Grossed Out! The down right honesty is great and although the "non-caretaker" person wouldn't understand, we must find humor in all that we go th ...Read More

Hi All. I'm so glad that I joined all of you here at Grossed Out! The down right honesty is great and although the "non-caretaker" person wouldn't understand, we must find humor in all that we go through! It's either laugh or cry or go insane. Ladee, I'm SO glad you finally got some rain! Happy for the cows too! I can only imagine what their conversations w/ each other must be now that the sky finally opened up for them. SS, I too have high cholesterol and very high trigs. I don't eat a lot of meat or fatty, greasy stuff and drink mostly spring water. I do smoke 3/4 pack of smokes a day...but I have Hypothyroidism, which causes one to have high cholesterol and triglycerides. My dr. won't treat me for the high labs, so I can't worry about it. I take Omega 3 & 6 Fish Oil (3/day), D3, garlic tabs, among other supplements...when I feel like taking them. Too much stress from my mom and s-dad, and I can't even make myself eat food, let alone take supplements. Oh well. Miz, I'm sorry for all that you're going through! My thoughts and prayers are with you! Hang in and know how much you're loved here!

The other day my mom and s-dad were going to visit my s-dad's mother in the NH. I got a frantic call from my mom about 10 minutes after they left, asking me to go outside and look for my s-dad's teeth! He had them when he talked to the neighbor across the street, and then got in the car to go. I told my mom they're probably under the seat or someplace in the car. How does one lose their TEETH??? Anyway, there I was, out in the garage, driveway, yard and then the street looking for my s-dad's upper dentures. I couldn't find them. I called my mom back on her cell and told her I couldn't find them, and she said not to worry, that he did find them. I asked if they were under the seat? She replied..."no, they were in his mouth all the time." How does someone not know when their teeth/dentures are IN their mouth? He doesn't have dementia... not yet anyway. He also sat on the mini rosebush plant that I picked up for him to give to his mom, on the way to the NH. What next??? Mom still isn't walking to gain any strength, but is feeling well enough to have started to call and order clothing and shoes from catologs. The house needs vacuuming BADLY and the laundry is mounding, which I hope to start tomorrow...pain permitting. If I had money for new clothing and shoes, I'd rather call Merry Maids and get some dang help in here!

My thoughts and prayers are wtih you all! I'm SO glad to be here with all of you! It helps alot. Had a migraine yesterday and Wed., but am glad to be back!
Kathy

I'm sorry for all of the loss you've been through! I'm in the process of watching my mom (age 70) declining fast. I'm the sole caretaker for mom and s-dad. I have a lot of guilt b/c I have multiple pa ...Read More

I'm sorry for all of the loss you've been through! I'm in the process of watching my mom (age 70) declining fast. I'm the sole caretaker for mom and s-dad. I have a lot of guilt b/c I have multiple pain conditions and can't do much for them anymore. I'm SO afraid of how I'll react and move on when "something" happens to my mom. How does one deal with that kind of grief? I have no other family left at all and have no support system. Friends are long gone. I'm glad I found you and your story. What brought me to your profile is the photo you have posted. I had two cats that I loved w/ all of my heart, but are no longer w/ me, but I have lots of pictures and my cats look JUST like yours! I have a pic of them together in the same position! I'd like to send you a photo of them, but don't know how. The similarity of the photo's of your kitty's and mine is uncanny! Again, I'm sorry for your loss and hope you have a strong support systerm. I see that you're Saved, Thank God! I am too, and it's only my faith that keeps me going. God Bless! Kathy K.

Hi Everyone. Thank you all SO much for all of your reply's, support, advice and understanding. It's GREATLY appreciated! I have contacted the Office of Aging regarding my mom and s-dad's situation ...Read More

Hi Everyone. Thank you all SO much for all of your reply's, support, advice and understanding. It's GREATLY appreciated! I have contacted the Office of Aging regarding my mom and s-dad's situation and told them how desperate I am to get help for them. The O. of A. told me that my mom would need to get a dr. order to receive their services. I've also called the county's Visiting Nurse Association and they told me that I need to go through the Office of Aging first before they can get involved. I've done all that I can to try and get some help, but if my mom continues to refuse it's usless for me to waste any more energy on trying. I am doing much less than I used to do for them. My own stress level has become too great, causing frequent panic attacks, overwhelming depression and much worse physical pain. I just can't keep doing for them. I feel like my mom thinks of me as the enemy at this point. She's declining fast physically and I'm not sure what's up with her emotionally. She just doesn't "really" try to get better. She refused rehab after the hospital/surgery and refused to go to PT as an outpatient, promising her dr. she'd walk everyday. Of course she doesn't. I know it has to be depressing to get old when your health fails you, but if a person doesn't try or want to get better, than they're just not going to. After her last angry comments toward me I told her that "I wouldn't say anything more, and told her to do whatever she wants to do." Her entire life revolves around the smoking, diet coke and sweets. It's sad for me to watch and I try to not look at it anymore. Both my mom and s-dad sleep a lot and I have to look closely to make sure they're breathing when I have to walk through the livingroom. I do fear finding either of them 'not breathing', but especially am very afraid of how I'll react if I find my mom 'not breathing'... Finding my dad dead shocked me so badly. I've never really gotten over it. As for myself and getting out... I've applied for Assistance 4 times at the Dept.of Public Assistance/Welfare, for medical, food stamps, housing, etc... I have my name on the list for 'Low Income Housing', but they tell me that it takes years for them to have an opening. The DPA tells me that "I make too much money for any type of Assistance." Living with my mom and s-dad, the DPA (and any other type of Assistance, like prescription, etc...) includes "All income of All of the people living under the same roof." It's the dumbest thing ever!!! My mom and s-dad bring in a good amount monthly, putting me way over the poverty level. In the past two years, since the economy has gotten so bad, my Social Security Disability Income has actually become to much for me to get any sort of assistance, and I don't make that much! Still, I can't change the government. I have tried to get away and have slept in my car, as recent as this winter when it was 33 degree's outside. I have no money to get a hotel and friends are long gone. I do have two step sisters (my s-father's daughters). The oldest one refuses to even s/w her father anymore, and the other one stops in rarely b/c she too has issues with her father and she tells me that she can't handle the "oppressive depressive attitude that her dad and my mom have, and doesn't want to hear anymore of their denial about things." Her dad also makes awful, vulgar sexual comments to her, so I don't blame her for not wanting to be around him. So...again, it's just me. The last time I moved away, out of the State, my mom and s-dad got so angry that they changed their Wills. Then they did a Reverse Mortgage on their house, making sure that I'll be homeless should anything happen. I hate to say it, but it's really 'all about them'... All I've ever done was try to be kind and helpful to them. At this point though, I can't help them. I'm trying to survive myself! I do see a therapist and she's trying to get me out and into a better living situation. She's running into dead ends also though b/c everyone she contacts tells her that "I make too much money" too. I can't even afford to see her at this point, but she does email and call me to see how I'm doing even when I can't afford to see her. I'm thankful to have her! I'm rambling again... I'm SO glad I joined everyone here at "Grossed out"... Everyone has been so supportive! I hope I can be of support to y'all as well. It helps so much to know you're not alone. - Be back soon! Kathy

Hi Everyone. This is the first time I've jumped over to "Grossed Out"... It's been recommended to me and I hope I fit in here. I'm really losing myself physically and mentally b/c of living with my ...Read More

Hi Everyone. This is the first time I've jumped over to "Grossed Out"... It's been recommended to me and I hope I fit in here. I'm really losing myself physically and mentally b/c of living with my mom and s-dad. They're both in very poor health, and I'm the only one acting as their caregiver. My mom is not the same person she used to be emotionally. She's not confused, but has gotten so bitter. She seems to hate me a lot of the time, especially when I say something in trying to help her. She smokes a lot and has CHF, a defibrillator implant (that's not working correctly), peripheral artery disease for which she's now on her second arterial bypass for, plus she has multiple stents in her legs for the PAD. They both have serious heart problems, COPD, Emphysema, and I've diagnosed them with "stubborn-ness and self centered-ness"... I love my mom dearly, but she's not who she used to be. I'm not well myself and am on disability for multiple chronic pain conditions, depression and PTSD. I live in their home (and do pay rent, even though I do for them without asking to be paid), and they absolutely refuse outside help. I finally got them to accept Meals on Wheel's, and I spoke with my mom's social worker when my mom was in the hospital last time this past April. The social worker agreed that visiting nurses should come into the home to access the situation and to help out. I was SO happy! I finally got some help! The day after my mom came home, the visiting nurse called to say she was coming out the next day, and my mom told her that "they don't need any help" and refused their services. I felt so angry! My mom knows how much pain I'm in and how depressed and anxiety ridden I've become, yet expects me to take care of things! She just doesn't get it. I can't make them accept outside help b/c it is their home, not mine. I have absolutely no one to help me and no friends to call to vent or talk to. I bought my mom the Poise pads for when she doesn't make it to the bathroom for #2, and she won't wear them. It makes me sick when I have to do the laundry and find "brown peices", etc... My stepfather and I don't talk unless absolutely necessary. He's not been kind to me throughout my childhood. Actually he was emotionally abusive and sexually inappropriate, and he still makes me nervous, even though we don't talk. My mom is very angry with me right now b/c I commented on her coughing, which has gotten much worse since she's smoking a lot more. She doesn't want to hear it, and I need to let it go. I told her "it's her life and she is totally aware that the smoking is committing a slow suicide." She doesn't care. She had a suicide attempt in 2004, and is still angry with me for saving her life! I'm an only child. My real dad was like a best friend to me. I was going to live with him, but on my first morning at his house, I found him dead. He had a cardiac arrest during the night. I was horrified! I had no place to go except to my mom and s-dad's. I've moved out of the state three times trying to get away from the dysfunction, and each time had to move back in with my mom and s-dad due to circumstances beyond my control. Now I'm here, they need a lot of care, and I'm it. I'm having constant anxiety, severe depression, and physically I have a lot of pain and now my stomach has started to hurt badly and I can't eat. I've lost 35lbs. in the past 6 months. I have no money to move out, or I would. I have my puppy (3 year old Pom) who is my world, but my mom wouldn't let me take him since "she bought him and he belongs to her", even though he only comes to me and I take care of him 100%. I'd never leave w/out my sweet boy. I feel I have no options and am in a no win situation. I need help. I need friends. No one will come into their house b/c of the cloud of smoke that's always looming and b/c of how unwelcomed others know they are here. I'm stuck and stay in my room as much as possible. I honestly feel to ill to take care of them and the stress is overwhelming. At this point my mother doesn't talk to me unless she has to and closes her eyes as if she's sleeping, although I know she's not. I can't afford to see my therapist right now, and am dealing with being sued by a credit card company who I was paying through a Debt Relief Company, who I learned was not paying on my credit card at all. I had a consultation with an attorney, which was free. I have no money to hire him if need be. I'm to the point of having chest tightness and shortness of breath. My dr. refuses to treat my high chol. and very high trigs. I have no choice but to pray that I don't have a heart attack. I can't afford to see another doctor. I have no idea of what options may be out there for me to get the parents help, and/or for me to be able to GET OUT of here. Thanks so much for listening to me rant and rave! I'm sorry. I'm honestly not usually a complainer. I just don't know what to do and am SO lost. I have thoughts of 'ending it all', but wouldn't do something like that b/c of my faith. I'm SO glad to have found all of you!!! Kathy

Hi June :-) Thank you SO much for keeping in touch and for your true support and understanding. It feels like forever since I felt as though anyone really cared about how I felt... what seems to mat ...Read More

Hi June :-) Thank you SO much for keeping in touch and for your true support and understanding. It feels like forever since I felt as though anyone really cared about how I felt... what seems to matter is how I can help others, which I'm always there for others to listen to and provide emotional support, but the caretaking thing is an entirely different animal. Being an only child, I fear losing her, but I REALLY need help to deal with my own health physically and emotionally, b/c I seem to be getting worse in both area's since I've become the sole caregiver for my mom who is in very poor health, and my s-dad who is also ill with cardiac and lung issues. The guilt is the worst for me. I know I have no reason to feel guilty, yet I can't stop it. I know all about codependency and can encourage others in positive ways, yet when it comes to myself, I'm at a loss. I know things could be worse. At least I have my own room to be alone in, and I have my 3 y.o. 'puppy' who is my world! My faith keeps me from doing something "stupid", although the depression is so bad at times that I've prayed to go to sleep and not wake up. This is not how I used to be. I can't remember the last time I really laughed about something. I'd love to be able to date and really want to meet a nice gentleman and have a long term relationship. I can't possibly have friends or a boyfriend at this point b/c my mom doesn't like company...I'd have no place to bring a nice man home to...and regarding female friends, I won't bring anyone into this house again b/c my s-dad always make's sexually inappropriate comments toward any female. I'm used to it b/c I grew up with it, but no one should have to be subjected to such vulgar behavior. I'd love to get a place of my own. I'd still help my mom as much as I'm able, but would be able to have privacy, be able to have my own sofa to lay on and watch TV all day if I wanted to...WITHOUT feeling guilty that I'm not doing enough for them. Still, I know other's have it much worse. At least my mom is not ugly to me and my s-dad rarely ever talks to me anymore. I grew up in a very abusive-dysfunctional home, and it terrified me. As my s-dad got older he has mellowed. I still grieve not having a life of my own and feel that "it's too late for me to have any sort of a normal life with friends and possibly a nice man in my life." I don't mean this to sound selfish, but if/when something happens to my mom, I'm basically going to be homeless. I have 2 step-sisters (one of who no longer speaks with her dad and the other one stops in rarely. My mom and s-dad have a Reverse Mtg, so the house will need to be sold and there's the option for the three of us (me and the 2 s-sisters) to buy the other ones out, but none of us have any money to speak of. The 2 s-sisters both have men in their lives, children, etc... They won't end up alone. I have no one. Even friends who I've known for years are gone. I lost most all of my friends when my own health went bad and I lost everything. Maybe they were afraid I'd ask them for something. I wouldn't have. Anyway, I will stop in at "Grossed Out"... I really need everyone here and hope I can be of support and encouragement to others as well. God Bless you June! It means so much to me that you keep in touch. I hope you're doing well! - Kathy

Thsnk you for your response. I'm in awe of how you were able to handle the stress, physically and emotionally, of taking care of someone, even someone we love, when they treat you so badly. At least a ...Read More

Thsnk you for your response. I'm in awe of how you were able to handle the stress, physically and emotionally, of taking care of someone, even someone we love, when they treat you so badly. At least at work as a nurse, we could leave at the end of our shift. There is no end to caretaking with those we live with. I hurt all of the time and don't sleep well at all. I'm lucky if I get 3-4 hours a night. I will join y'all over at "Grossed out..." I really need a safe place where I can go often and communicate with others who know how hard this all is. About my mom, she absolutely refuses outside help. I've had to stop doing so much. I cannot vacuum anymore, so she has my stepdad doing it, and he's in really poor health. I feel so guilty! I know I shouldn't, but the guilt gets to me so badly that I get panicky feelings, and I can't seem to lift myself out of this pit of depression. There's absolutely no joy at all in this house. I feel that my own life has passed me by. Okay...now I feel selfish for saying that! "Serenity Now!" (quote by George on Seinfeld)... Thanks so much again. I hope you're doing okay? Your words really mean alot!

Kathy

Hi Everyone. Sorry I've been MIA for a while. My mom just had another surgery for her CHF and peripheral artery disease. She's home now but is still weak and can't do much for herself. I'm still havin ...Read More

Hi Everyone. Sorry I've been MIA for a while. My mom just had another surgery for her CHF and peripheral artery disease. She's home now but is still weak and can't do much for herself. I'm still having bad panic attacks, severe depression and the chronic pain has gotten worse. I can't keep up with things like I used to and I feel SO GUILTY!!! I'm totally alone with my mom and s-father and am so overwhelmed! I stay in my room most all of the time. I'm beyond crying. I'm also in the full stages of Menopause and it's tearing me apart physically and emotionally. My mom is buying clothing and shoes out of catologs, and I can't afford toothpaste! The disability check I get each month doesn't cover the bills I have. I have to ration my meds. I can't get away from the house b/c I don't have the money to put gas in my car and the pain I have is too bad for me to drive. I don't have any friends to call and talk to and can't afford to see my therapist at this point...when I need her the most. I won't be able to see her for the entire month of May either. I can't stop the sadness and guilt I feel. I'm an only child. I wish I had a sibling! My mom continues to smoke cigarettes even though it's a slow suicide for her to continue to do so. She sits at the kitchen table most all day long, smoking. She has NO hobbies. She won't even read. My s-father sleeps most all day. I get panicky when I know I have to leave my room and go out to be with them. The guilt over me wanting to avoid seeing them like that is awful! I feel like a horrible person for wanting to just be alone. I love my mom dearly and don't want to lose her. I have no other relatives, but she's not the "mom" I used to have. Since my pain is invisible (herniated discs, fibro, osteoarthritis, myofacial pain syndrome, CRPS, etc...), I feel like others think I'm fine, since I look fine. But I'm not fine at all. I'm falling apart! I did s/w my mom's social worker in the hospital and she agreed that my mom needed nursing care to come into the house to check on her. I finally had it set up to get some help. When the nurse called to say she was coming to visit, my mom told her "she did not need any help" and refused to have the visiting nurses come in. I'm 50 years old and have absolutely no life of my own. I have a curfew here, living with my mom and s-dad. I have no privacy. Friends are long gone. No one wants to come into this house b/c it's so dysfunctional and depressing. I don't blame them. My s-dad always insults any female that comes into the house, sexually. I grew up with that kind of abuse my entire life. I won't subject anyone to what I've been through. I can't date b/c I have nowhere to bring a nice guy home to and I'm so limited in when I'm "allowed" to go out b/c of all that needs to be done at home. My puppy (3 year old Pom) keeps me sane, but I don't trust leaving him at home without me b/c I fear that he could get out and be harmed if my s-dad doesn't watch that he doesn't run out when he opens the door. I almost lost my puppy once b/c of him not being watched properly. I'm so sorry for rambling. I feel so horribly alone and hopeless and know that I'm not alone. I know that everyone here is going through many similar feelings of being overwhelmed. I was a nurse for 26 years before having to go on disability, and I was never SO stressed taking care of 10-15+ patients at one time, as I am in taking care of just two. I used to have such a positive attitude and hope. I fear that's gone forever. Thanks SO much for all of your support! Love and Strength to you all!
Kathy K.

Hi Deborah :-) Thank you so much for keeping in touch. I've been having awful panic attacks and the chronic pain won't let up. I must go out for groceries for them today and I have no idea how I'm g ...Read More

Hi Deborah :-) Thank you so much for keeping in touch. I've been having awful panic attacks and the chronic pain won't let up. I must go out for groceries for them today and I have no idea how I'm going to get there. The panicky feelings won't let up. Thank you SO much for being SO supportive! I hope you're doing okay?

Kathy

Hi All. I'm having bad panic attacks and must go grocery shopping for my mom. I'm the sole caretaker for her & my s-dad. I'm afraid & sad!

Hi DebrahAnn. Thanks for your reply. I've tried to get away from the dysfunction I've lived with since childhood. I live in PA. I moved to Alabama with a fiancee in the 80's... Then I moved to Virg ...Read More

Hi DebrahAnn. Thanks for your reply. I've tried to get away from the dysfunction I've lived with since childhood. I live in PA. I moved to Alabama with a fiancee in the 80's... Then I moved to Virginia in 2000, but could not get work. I had to move home once again. I lasted here for 21 days, when I had to leave in an emergency situation where my s-dad was highly intoxicated and was after me b/c I wanted to go to Seattle to be with my half-sister, after our dad had died in December 2000. My step-uncle called the house while the abuse was going on and told me to get out. I went to a friends house and my s-uncle got me a one way ticket to Seattle, WA. I was across the country by the next morning. I never really knew my half-sister and didn't know I was only going into another very dysfunctional situation. I had to leave Seattle after being there for 5 months. I had no place to go. My dad and best friend was gone. I found myself back in my mom and s-dad's house once again. I went back into a nursing job and got my own apartment and thought I was finally free. I had a good job and my own apartment and all went well until I hurt my back really bad lifting heavy patients, herniating 3 discs. I also have fibromyalgia and the pain got so bad that I could no longer work. I did everything I could so I wouldn't have to move back "home", but eventually the funds ran out and found myself back in their home again. I have no real siblings, no aunt's or uncle's...no other family. I've tried so so hard to get away from the dysfunction in this family, but it seems that I always get thrown back into it! Not by choice. - Tomorrow my mom has an appt. with her vascular surgeon and she fears she may end up back in the hosptial... I think she might too. She had complications from a cardiac cath... A hematoma. The nurse she had kneeded the hematoma to "break it up" and my mom ended up with extreme pain, ecchymosis from her abdomon to her right toes. She's not healing well. That incodent happened on March 1st. She's not following doctor's orders either, and is declining rapidly. I don't like being left alone in the house with only my s-dad, but when my mom is in the hospital I have no choice. I have no place else to go. - On another note, I have an appt. tomorrow with an oral surgeon for some major dental work. My s-sister is going to take me. I'll need a driver since I'm getting anesthesia. I fear the pain I'll have after it's over. I certainly won't be of any help to my mom or s-dad tomorrow or for a few days. I've stopped doing a lot of what I used to do for them. I did get them Meal's on Wheel's which is a huge help. They refuse any other outside help, but I've called the Office of Aging and have been playing phone tag with one of the representatives there. I'm hoping to connect with her asap, so I can get some help in for the elders... I'm totally burned out and have reached my limit. It's not that I don't love them dearly and I'm terrified of the day I might find my mom "not breathing"... I have NO other family and my mom and I used to be like best friends. She's changed so much and is not the same person physically or emotionally. It hurts me to watch them both decline so fast. I know that I can't take care of them w/out help anymore. I have migraine headaches, the fibro pain is unbearable 24/7 and am tired of hitting bottom with the depression and panic. I know I can't keep going like I have been. I'm not proud and will accept any help. It's their house though, so I can't make them accept anything they don't want. It's so frustrating. Thank's so much for keeping in touch. I hope things are better in your corner? It's always good to see a reply from you. - God Bless, Kathy

Thank you SO much Bobbie!!! Words cannot relay how much I appreciated your reply! Thank you for sharing your story with me! It helps a lot to know that others have gone through, or are going through ...Read More

Thank you SO much Bobbie!!! Words cannot relay how much I appreciated your reply! Thank you for sharing your story with me! It helps a lot to know that others have gone through, or are going through the same things. I'll reply at length in a bit. Another caregiving crisis is at hand right now. Nothing serious... God Bless you!!!
Kathy K.

Hi. I'm new to this area of this website, but hope to find some information, or at least some comfort. My mom has CHF, A Defibrillator implant for electrical cardiac problems, and has 3 stents in her ...Read More

Hi. I'm new to this area of this website, but hope to find some information, or at least some comfort. My mom has CHF, A Defibrillator implant for electrical cardiac problems, and has 3 stents in her legs b/c of bad peripheral artery disease. She does not follow doctor's orders at all. She's still smoking a LOT and her routine is to sit at the kitchen table most all day w/out elevating her feet above her heart like the doctor ordered. Now she's having a lot of pain in her right foot, after having complications from her last cardiac cath/stent placement. She got a hematoma and the nurse kneeded this hematoma to break it up, causing my mom extreme pain and leaving her right leg, groin and abdomon very black and blue. I'm a nurse but am on disability b/c of chronic pain conditions. I worked in a busy ER and on a cardiac/telemetry unit when I was working. I feel guilty b/c I'm getting frustrated with my mom b/c she won't follow dr. orders and then complains of extreme pain when she knows the doctor is not available. She refuses to go to the ER. I'm the sole caregiver for my mom and s-dad who are both in very poor health. My own health has suffered badly from buring the wick at both ends, and although I'm totally burned out, I do love them dearly and fear I'll soon find one of them 'not breathing'... I have PTSD from finding my real dad dead in Dec. 2000. His death was totally unexpected. I have no money to get a place of my own and my mom and s-dad absolutey refuse to allow outside help to come in. They see how much pain I'm in and how stressed I've become ( I can't eat, can't sleep, have lost 30lbs in the past 4-5 months, have panic attacks and major depression), yet they won't allow anyone to help them but me. I'm at a loss and afraid.
Any suggestions, advice, encouragement and/or support would be greatly appreciated. I'm really scared.
God Bless,
Kathy K.

Hi Everyone. I just wrote a long post (which was erased when I went to send it b/c it had symbols in it like a backward arrow, etc...Has this happened to anyone else?) I was asking for support, sugges ...Read More

Hi Everyone. I just wrote a long post (which was erased when I went to send it b/c it had symbols in it like a backward arrow, etc...Has this happened to anyone else?) I was asking for support, suggestions, etc... regarding cargiving which is becoming extremely hard for me to keep up with and also to ask if anyone else is or has gone through Menopause while caring for others. I'm in Menopause and have become extremely depressed and am having panic attacks. I've been feeling extremely sad and can't see any light at the end of this tunnel. I don't know how to cope with these symptoms of Menopause and keep my sanity. I'm un-insured and cannot afford to see a Specialist, and am not eligable for Assistance of any kind b/c of living with my mom and s-dad, which puts me over the Federal Poverty Guidelines, even though my SSDI disability income alone is shameful and is well under the Poverty Level. It's been a really rough weekend. I'm not coping well at all. I'm sorry if this sounds like I'm complaining...really I am. I'm just so alone here with caring for two ppl. I'm feeling so depressed and am having awful panic attacks. Any words of hope or encouragement would be gladly welcomed :-) Thanks so much,
Kathy K.