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Susan, hope you are doing OK. Was thinking of you and thought I'd say hey.

How are you today? I wanted to pass along a poem I came accross. When mom is having those bad days I read this and it helps me cope with the loss that I am going to endure.
 ...Read More

How are you today? I wanted to pass along a poem I came accross. When mom is having those bad days I read this and it helps me cope with the loss that I am going to endure.

God saw you getting tired,
When a cure was not to be.
So He wrapped his arms around you,
and whispered, "come to me."

You didn't deserve what you went through,
So He gave you rest.
God's garden must be beautiful,
He only takes the best

And when I saw you sleeping,
So peaceful and free from pain
I could not wish you back
To suffer that again.

Susan my heart goes out to you. It sounds like you are almost at the end of your tether. Is there any way you can get some counselling to help you get a little emotional distance from your Mom? Som ...Read More

Susan my heart goes out to you. It sounds like you are almost at the end of your tether. Is there any way you can get some counselling to help you get a little emotional distance from your Mom? Some people can suck the life out of us and your Mom sounds a little like that. I know she had a rough childhood but surely we all have to learn to do better. Good luck and get some help if you can. Take care of your own health - a friend who happended to be a Counseller once told me 'our 1st responsiblity is to ourselves' and I've alway tried to remember that though there are times when it's pretty difficult to put oneself first but we try. Take care.

Thanks for the hug!

Sometimes, don't you just want to be held? No words, no nothing. A simple warm hug can help someone begin to heal. So here's one my sister. There are many in this forum who understand and care deeply ...Read More

Sometimes, don't you just want to be held? No words, no nothing. A simple warm hug can help someone begin to heal. So here's one my sister. There are many in this forum who understand and care deeply about you. Don't be a stranger now ...

i have diabetes, have had back surery twice upper and lower back rods and screws in both, knee surgery. cared for mom 97 for 3 years only my sister and I in Moms home. 9 other siblins. all didnt give ...Read More

i have diabetes, have had back surery twice upper and lower back rods and screws in both, knee surgery. cared for mom 97 for 3 years only my sister and I in Moms home. 9 other siblins. all didnt give a big s... was moms powerof att. took care of cleaning out her house and selling it and making sure everyone got their fair share. then my sister has anuerism of front brain. son moved her to Ohio to be with him. he killed himself, sister and i went to Ohio and got her and got her in nursing home here. we are the only ones that go see her and now I can only go once a week. I cant afford Bayada but do get them for 4 hours a week so i can go see my sister. and people want to know why I dont smile. I am taking care of my hubby at home with ALZ. he retired after 30 years with Miller/Coors in sept of 07 and was diagnosed in Dec of 07 with this terrible ALZ. But...no one wants to hear it.

Hey Susan- found my boundaries and did distance myself. I am slowly trying to get better after the 20 years of caretaking. My daughter (29) finally saw her also as what she really is-not the one tha ...Read More

Hey Susan- found my boundaries and did distance myself. I am slowly trying to get better after the 20 years of caretaking. My daughter (29) finally saw her also as what she really is-not the one that her church members see when visiting. She still tries to cause me as much trouble ads she can- trying to get my own daughter to take over her power of attorney - slandering me to anyone that will listen (small town) and having any unsuspecting person do her errands listen to how her family "mistreats" her and this week went to an elderly care attorney - good grief the woman made it to 84 because my family took care of her. And it also cost me a marriage - and lost time with my children. Geez I hope I will never do that to any of my children- but then again -I haven't ever been mean- she was to me and my siblings in childhood. At least I don't have it in my house every day now- she causes havoc in her own apartment and I ma amazed at how she can function on her own now-scrappy woman she be !!

Happy National Family Caregivers Month!

National Family Caregivers month is about honoring yourself as one of the 65 million family caregivers in this country who take care of their loved o ...Read More

Happy National Family Caregivers Month!

National Family Caregivers month is about honoring yourself as one of the 65 million family caregivers in this country who take care of their loved ones day in and day out.

We want to remind you to use National Family Caregivers Month as a time to celebrate yourself and your good heart!

We are happy to have you as part of our growing family of caregivers on AgingCare.com. Our team looks forward to continuing to support you as you care for your loved one.

Email us at editor@agingcare.com -- include your address and we will mail you a 2011 AgingCare.com calendar magnet!

The AgingCare.com Team

Thank you, and good luck to you too...

Thank you for your response. Yesterday was just a bad day...I know today will be better! I admire your strength and wish you the best with your mom. Getting old and sickly cannot be fun but they su ...Read More

Thank you for your response. Yesterday was just a bad day...I know today will be better! I admire your strength and wish you the best with your mom. Getting old and sickly cannot be fun but they sure don't make it easy on us either, do they?

then thats what we have to do!

I am afraid that old cup crap is wearing itself out! even I am gettting tired of it all.,maybe we can come up with something else and soon!!

I agree ,that is my saying as well...cup is half full!!

Susan, I will pray for GOD to give you peace & comfort. That is the very best I can offer to help you. I'm not sure what baker or marchment acted means, but I hope the situation gets resolved. Your hu ...Read More

Susan, I will pray for GOD to give you peace & comfort. That is the very best I can offer to help you. I'm not sure what baker or marchment acted means, but I hope the situation gets resolved. Your husband probably is just as frustrated as you are, so don't be too hard on him. At the end of the day it's just the two of you there for each other. I'm sure it's tearing him apart seeing your pain. Please stand firm with your mother and not allow her to destroy your life. Do not jump every time she says boo. Set some boundaries please for your sake and the sake of your marriage. I have found that the more I give to my mom the worse she acts. When I set boundaries and stick to them she behaves herself better. Please care for yourself also.

your situation is beyond description, but hey I'm not going to do my best to not try to understand something that I cannot comprehend? Nope, I try to understand many things and I try to explain my own ...Read More

your situation is beyond description, but hey I'm not going to do my best to not try to understand something that I cannot comprehend? Nope, I try to understand many things and I try to explain my own events to those who can't comprehend mine either at least if I perceive they are trying to understand it. Blessings to you.

Thanks for the hug. Forget you, one of my biggest fans? No way!

I've not been very active in some of these threads either because they were too much or I didn't seem to be connecting with w ...Read More

Thanks for the hug. Forget you, one of my biggest fans? No way!

I've not been very active in some of these threads either because they were too much or I didn't seem to be connecting with what I was trying to say, plus I've had my hands full with the usual plus my uncle dying and some very intense therapy sessions.



Two weeks ago, I had the most eye opening therapy session of all! My therapist said it would help me to look over the titles of my 'therapy movies' that I've made and see my progress from being so wrapped up in my anger toward mom as well as others to now really working on my own identity apart from them with still needing to address one thing that is at the very core of all of this family of origin mess. Yeah!!! Progress.

This "light bulb" moment has captivated my attention ever since Tuesday. So, I've been creating and editing another one of my therapy films which I've shared before is my new way that I've found to work through things. Some people journal, etc., but for me over the last 5 years of the 8 I've been in therapy, these 'therapy films'; help a lot in both working through things and letting my therapist know where I am in the process of working through all of this. Some of my emotional issue are best expressed through visual arts than through written or spoken words alone, particularly when they are very deep.

Have you ever heard of free association? This is a therapy tool that giving yourself the freedom to just randomly let ideas and emotions come to the surface as you focus on something. It's really not recommended to do at home much less alone like I did. One time Donna tried this at home and she ended up in the mental ward for a week. This therapy tool is for uncovering feelings and thoughts that have long been buried.

I'd been working on another 'therapy movie" since that eye opener therapy experience. The Monday night before my next therapy appointment, I had more free time than earlier and I found myself working on a short 34 minute 'therapy film' .

I became completely involved in free association thinking and writing as I wrote my script and edited my film. With complete quietness in the late hours of the night and early hours of the morning traumatic experiences with my mother plus the thoughts and the emotions that I'd forgotten and did not want to remember just flowed like a river. I became so engrossed in it I even talked out load some of my script as if my mother was right there and could actually understand me. It is by far the most emotional, authentically honest, and yet contains a compassionate ending in telling mom that I forgive her and I realize that what she did was out of something that someone had done to her.

I was not able to sleep the rest of the day and called my therapist's office to request extra time which did not work out, but I was so glad to have my appointment at 1:45. That was one powerful therapy session and he let me have extra time because I had a lot extra to unload.

When I got home, my wife and I discussed this issue in terms of how my and her family of origin has impacted our rather non-traditional marriage. If we did not have somewhat similar mom issues I don't think we would have gotten married. If we had not gotten therapy and used it, I don't think we would have stayed married.

That was one powerful therapy session and he let me have extra time because I had a lot extra to unload. I came home and discussed this with my wife. I put in my movie that I forgave my mother for absorbing me into herself like an emotional spouse both as a single mom and then in her second marriage, plus trying her best not to raise me as an all American boy like her ex wanted to. Thus, my confused identity comes from the confused way she raised me plus her using me like an emotional partner/spouse. So, and my wife and I concluded this is why we are both comfortable with our rather non traditional marriage in which we really have some basic role reversals which the home she came from fits with how to tell the truth I was raise part like a girl and part like a boy. My conclusion is my mom was in bondage to something that happened in her life and I forgive her for that. My final conclusion is that I am finally comfortable with how I turned out as my therapist, SIL, and some of my friends have said, I really function more like the wife and the mom in this household which is ok with me and I'm no longer angry at God and mom making me that way. My wife on the other hand does not fit the stereotype feminine submissive wife either which my mother certainly was not. So, as we talked today and she wanted to make sure that I'm ok with all this, our non-traditional role reversal family works for us, we like it and we like how our marriage works plus we recognize that neither of us could have been married to a stereotypical person of the opposite sex because neither of us fits completely those stereotypes. There are things that I do which reflect the lack of intimacy with my dad plus the confused identity with my mother. My wife recognizes that and as long as I stay with the boundaries that I've set with myself, she is fine with it because she understands it. The same thing is true with her as well and I give her some extra space their. Nothing immoral or illegal but a little something that helps each of us with our issues.

I'm glad to not be carrying the anger like I once did and hearing her comment on that was good too. Now, while she does not know the depth and details of my therapy movies, she does know the overall theme of most of them and respects them being private. (Like you don't want to read what I wrote about my dad although it is rather poetic, somewhat humorous, and painfully true.) Thus, I sum this up by saying my freedom led to my wife and I feeling closer and I feel better about myself which has been a big struggle down through the years.

Interesting how that therapy session has created a greater sense of closeness between my wife and I. Some things we actually talked about which we had just intuitively affirmed and supported each other in which helps us deal with out unique issues that also contribute to our rather non-traditional marriage.

Thus my very long answer to your short question.

Last week, I had the most eye opening therapy session of all! My therapist said it would help me to look over the titles of my 'movies' that I've made and see my progress from being so wrapped up in m ...Read More

Last week, I had the most eye opening therapy session of all! My therapist said it would help me to look over the titles of my 'movies' that I've made and see my progress from being so wrapped up in my anger toward mom as well as others to now really working on my own identity apart from them with still needing to address one thing that is at the very core of all of this family of origin mess. Yeah!!! Progress.

This "light bulb" moment has captivated my attention ever since Tuesday. So, I've been creating and editing another one of my therapy films which I've shared before is my new way that I've found to work through things. Some people journal, etc., but for me over the last 5 years of the 8 I've been in therapy, these 'therapy films'; help a lot in both working through things and letting my therapist know where I am in the process of working through all of this. Some of my emotional issues are best expressed through visual arts than through written or spoken words alone, particularly when they are very deep. I create these various films with pics and clips using Picasa 3 in my laptop with my script either written on or inbweteen pics as well as inbetween the clips that I use.

Haven't heard from you in a while. Hope all is well.

Hi Susan
Just was thinking abut you and wondering how things were with your situation. It is my hope that you can have some peace with your mother. II can't see that in my lifetime.

Hi Susan and thanks for your reply. I went to visit my mom and she was her old self! Last night she wanted the staff to get her a taxi and she had a plastic bag packed with a few things. They put h ...Read More

Hi Susan and thanks for your reply. I went to visit my mom and she was her old self! Last night she wanted the staff to get her a taxi and she had a plastic bag packed with a few things. They put her on Seroquel and it has kicked in...what a difference, no anxiety and she was much clearer in her thoughts. I spent a few hours with her, we had lunch walked around and sat outside. I was so apprehensive visiting her, however, it was all good.

Thanks for the hug! I'm here and I'm doing.

Hi...I am new to this site. I read that your mother is seeing people. Our mother is going through the same. It was getting quite scary because when my sister and I were staying over at her house th ...Read More

Hi...I am new to this site. I read that your mother is seeing people. Our mother is going through the same. It was getting quite scary because when my sister and I were staying over at her house the other week, she was showing us people on the street that were not there. My sister is a nurse and understands a bit more clearly of what she is going through. Since her move (only two weeks ago) to a retirement residence in Toronto, Ontario, Canada, she is getting worse. We hope that with support and light medication, she will be able to stop focusing on her house (that we are trying to sell for her) and her old neighborhood and start to accept her new residence and focus on the good times she can have. She has not lost her freedom and this move was initiated by her, but she blames all of us and thinks we have pulled the rug from under her.

HI Susan ,,,
Get a Grip!!!
HaHaHaHaHaHaHa ....
how many times have you heard that?

Walk a mile in my shoes, buddy! I'll tell you what a GRIP is!
 ...Read More

HI Susan ,,,
Get a Grip!!!
HaHaHaHaHaHaHa ....
how many times have you heard that?

Walk a mile in my shoes, buddy! I'll tell you what a GRIP is!
It's when you do your damnest to care for an ailng elder, try to work, organize life, put up with stupid people, take care of the parent, shop, cook, clean, sleep ...more HaHas ....
& listen to the "Know It Alls" who have ZERO epxerience.

Compassion from them? Hell NO!
Compassion is inconvenient for those who actually have time to have a life.
Are you sick of people deciding we need a vaction, yet no offers to take my place for an hour ... much less a day or two.

If there were a way to make money writing ablog about our elder care, a bunch of us would be wealthy.
And my Dad is a sweetheart! Just totally dependent. On ME!!!
I can't imagine caring for an ALZ parent is like!

When I was a police dispatcher & all of us would have tough, heartbreaking calls, one Sgt. said he wished he could puff a blast of Laughing Gas thru our headsets after a nail biting call.

I feel that way often, trying to be the capable, concerned daughter who does it all, without a break.
Come clean my house??? Honest, I'm not a hoarder, but I have so much crap from former people in my life.

I just found a bunch of nail gun bullets in my storage shed that my ex never took away.
How do I dispose of them???
I have disposed so much of his construction stuff, yet there are 5 gallon buckets of muck that need to go to Hazardous Waste. Yards of dry wall tape & edge mouldings.
I simply want to plant my garden with pretty flowers!!!!

Yet I continue to dicover more of his constuction stuff after 8 years.

I feel very alone.
My creative talents are at a standstill while I clean up "stuff" & care for Dad day & night.

He needs to be fed now. Lor knows ... Mac & Cheese again?
Easy feed.... hope I have it in the freezer.

Thanks for letting me bleed, Girlfriend.

Happy to have helped you, going it alone is awful!

Susan...shame...it's a shame I have artistic ability's as well, and us artist folk look at life differently than most others. Shame that she is manipulative..but I know that one myself due to my moth ...Read More

Susan...shame...it's a shame I have artistic ability's as well, and us artist folk look at life differently than most others. Shame that she is manipulative..but I know that one myself due to my mother has Narcissitic Personality Disorder and was a very controlling woman herself. Please see the post I posted under your post about the PSP rare disease.