Answered a question 8/4/2010 at 10:36 am
Hi Lilli:
It's me again. I just want you to know that I am writing again because I so identify with what you are going through. I truly believe that most important thing to remember is
...Read MoreHi Lilli:
It's me again. I just want you to know that I am writing again because I so identify with what you are going through. I truly believe that most important thing to remember is that God put you in this earth for a reason. We must have enough faith in Him to believe that even though we do not know what this reason/purpose is God knows what it is and He is preparing us and perfecting us so that when the time comes He will just walk us right into it. My childhood ~as I have stated more than once~ was hell as was my first marriage which was a direct extension of my years at home under my mother's roof. About 3 months after I returned here to care for her, I found myself extremely angry and full ~and I mean FULL~ of resentment and disappointment. It was so strong and so bad that for a while I thought these feelings would just take me over completely. As I have stated before, I dealt with this on my knees. Here I am a year later and although I want very, very badly for this to be over so that I can go back to my home in Virginia, I am very, very glad that I have had this opportunity of time to spend with my mother. Because of the time spent on my knees in prayer, I have overcome many of the feelings I had. I came to realize that I always, always was looking for the approval and acceptance of my mother, but through the haze of anger one day, I realized that I no longer need it. And that is not bitterness speaking. It is a realization. I also realize,d that I had a choice in this. I could either choose to be unforgiving, and spend the rest of my life filled with anger, bitterness, and resentment or I could learn to forgive and learn to let it go. Since the former was not at all appealing to me I chose the latter. This has not been an easy process, but through it all I do see God at work. In the Bible in Jeremiah 29:11 God tells us this: "For I know the thoughts and plans that I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts and plans for welfare and peace and not for evil, to give you hope in your final outcome." I can see now (although I could not see it before) that through and because of this journey there is a healing that is taking place that probably could not have happened otherwise. I know that I will forever cherish this past year that I have had. There is something that happens when you see your once strong and uber-controlling parent become week and defenseless and dependent. They don't like it and often will take it out on you, but there is also a childlikeness there and also a deep appreciation for what you are doing for them even though they may not act like it. Sometimes their negative reaction is out of a sense of frustration over the loss of control over their own lives, sometimes it is out of fear and anxiety that they are having, sometimes it is out of guilt from the way they treated you, and sometimes it comes out of their own pain, bitterness, and disappointment of their own lives.
Believe me when I tell you that I am NOT a saint. I had many times when my mother pushed some button and I endeavored to make her pay and pay handsomely for the pain and wreckage she caused to my life. But I disliked myself so much for those times that I would find myself on my knees before going to bed and/or in the morning before starting my day asking my Heavenly Father to please forgive me, forgive her, and to please give me a forgiving heart. And I still have my moments, but the difference now is that when these moments happen I actually feel bad and then I apologize to her and she apologizes to me (something she never, ever did) and we kiss and make-up. I read recently that "Life takes a lot of time and a lot of relationship". I believe that what was meant by "a lot of relationship" is that we need a lot of relationship with God as we deal with our relationships with others.
I hope this helps you. My advice is to always, always seek God. It is alright to seek out and talk to your friends, professionals, and especially your pastor. It really is alright to do that and sometimes even necessary. But always, always seek God and keep Him in it. This is where you gain your strength. This is where you get your healing. This is how you overcome.
Stacey