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Kudos to you Susan! ((((((((HUGS)))))))

"An Unquiet Mind" by Kay Jamison Redfield is probably one of the very best books I have ever read on the subject of Bipolar Affective Disorder. Man ...Read More

Kudos to you Susan! ((((((((HUGS)))))))

"An Unquiet Mind" by Kay Jamison Redfield is probably one of the very best books I have ever read on the subject of Bipolar Affective Disorder. Many, many very, very famous people are bipolar especially actors and actresses. It is the extremes of emotion that allow them the creativity that they have and help them to display the range of emotions that they are able to articulate. Many famous artists were also bipolar ~Vincent Van Gogh was one of them. I would like to speak further about my experience with bipolar affective disorder but I am sure it will take us way off topic. I just wanted to mention this book by Kay Redfield Jamison. She is a clinical psychologist and one of the foremost experts on this potentially devastating disorder and is also bipolar herself. I highly recommend this book for all living with this disorder whether you have it yourself or are living with someone with it.

I am not so kind all of the time. My mother pushes my buttons and when she does I have the proverbial knee-jerk reaction and push back. I refuse to take it. We have words, we raise our voices, I cr ...Read More

I am not so kind all of the time. My mother pushes my buttons and when she does I have the proverbial knee-jerk reaction and push back. I refuse to take it. We have words, we raise our voices, I cry, and we apologize to each other which is something new. My mother has actually started apologizing to me for saying things that hurt. She does do that emotional manipulation thing which I hate and have always hated, but the most important thing (as I have said before) is that I discovered that I no longer need her approval. Because of God's help, I can say that I do love my mother and I know (now) that she loves me. She seems to enjoy being the way she is so I do not really expect her change.

I agree with what you said about making a decision to be our best and to do our best NOT to be the things our parents were and do the things they did. I determined not to be like the worst parts of my mother when I was very young. I thought she had some good qualities and I wanted only those ~I had enough of bad stuff of my own. But I made sure that my children knew beyond a shadow of any doubt that they were/are loved. I never abused, neglected, or mistreated them. I disciplined them but did not just wantonly abuse them. I showed them respect and in turn they respect me.

It has been quite a journey.

Stacey

I still say that forgiveness is the key. I know that in spite of the abuse from my mother and the other things that happened in my life which were a direct result off that and the wreckage of my life ...Read More

I still say that forgiveness is the key. I know that in spite of the abuse from my mother and the other things that happened in my life which were a direct result off that and the wreckage of my life that followed, I feel that I have been given an opportunity for reconciliation with my mother as well as within myself. Sometimes one can find no reconciliation with a parent. But often times, what I have seen working in nursing is that there often is a reconciliation that takes place before the parent passes away. That parent wants to make things right with that child in some way or another ~even if they can no longer speak. Forgiveness is important. It is more for us than it is for the person who hurt us. It's not so much that it lets the other person off the hook, but it lets us off the hook ~the hook of anger, bitterness and resentment. Forgiveness is not necessarily easy, but once it begins it brings a healing with it to so many areas of one's life. Ask me how I know...

Stacey

Hi Lilli:

It's me again. I just want you to know that I am writing again because I so identify with what you are going through. I truly believe that most important thing to remember is ...Read More

Hi Lilli:

It's me again. I just want you to know that I am writing again because I so identify with what you are going through. I truly believe that most important thing to remember is that God put you in this earth for a reason. We must have enough faith in Him to believe that even though we do not know what this reason/purpose is God knows what it is and He is preparing us and perfecting us so that when the time comes He will just walk us right into it. My childhood ~as I have stated more than once~ was hell as was my first marriage which was a direct extension of my years at home under my mother's roof. About 3 months after I returned here to care for her, I found myself extremely angry and full ~and I mean FULL~ of resentment and disappointment. It was so strong and so bad that for a while I thought these feelings would just take me over completely. As I have stated before, I dealt with this on my knees. Here I am a year later and although I want very, very badly for this to be over so that I can go back to my home in Virginia, I am very, very glad that I have had this opportunity of time to spend with my mother. Because of the time spent on my knees in prayer, I have overcome many of the feelings I had. I came to realize that I always, always was looking for the approval and acceptance of my mother, but through the haze of anger one day, I realized that I no longer need it. And that is not bitterness speaking. It is a realization. I also realize,d that I had a choice in this. I could either choose to be unforgiving, and spend the rest of my life filled with anger, bitterness, and resentment or I could learn to forgive and learn to let it go. Since the former was not at all appealing to me I chose the latter. This has not been an easy process, but through it all I do see God at work. In the Bible in Jeremiah 29:11 God tells us this: "For I know the thoughts and plans that I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts and plans for welfare and peace and not for evil, to give you hope in your final outcome." I can see now (although I could not see it before) that through and because of this journey there is a healing that is taking place that probably could not have happened otherwise. I know that I will forever cherish this past year that I have had. There is something that happens when you see your once strong and uber-controlling parent become week and defenseless and dependent. They don't like it and often will take it out on you, but there is also a childlikeness there and also a deep appreciation for what you are doing for them even though they may not act like it. Sometimes their negative reaction is out of a sense of frustration over the loss of control over their own lives, sometimes it is out of fear and anxiety that they are having, sometimes it is out of guilt from the way they treated you, and sometimes it comes out of their own pain, bitterness, and disappointment of their own lives.

Believe me when I tell you that I am NOT a saint. I had many times when my mother pushed some button and I endeavored to make her pay and pay handsomely for the pain and wreckage she caused to my life. But I disliked myself so much for those times that I would find myself on my knees before going to bed and/or in the morning before starting my day asking my Heavenly Father to please forgive me, forgive her, and to please give me a forgiving heart. And I still have my moments, but the difference now is that when these moments happen I actually feel bad and then I apologize to her and she apologizes to me (something she never, ever did) and we kiss and make-up. I read recently that "Life takes a lot of time and a lot of relationship". I believe that what was meant by "a lot of relationship" is that we need a lot of relationship with God as we deal with our relationships with others.

I hope this helps you. My advice is to always, always seek God. It is alright to seek out and talk to your friends, professionals, and especially your pastor. It really is alright to do that and sometimes even necessary. But always, always seek God and keep Him in it. This is where you gain your strength. This is where you get your healing. This is how you overcome.

Stacey

I have to agree. One night not too long ago my mother apologized to me for saying hurtful things to me and asked me if I would forgive her. I told her that I forgave her a long time ago. I also sha ...Read More

I have to agree. One night not too long ago my mother apologized to me for saying hurtful things to me and asked me if I would forgive her. I told her that I forgave her a long time ago. I also shared with her that the thing I have learned over the years of my life is that people speak out of their own pain and bitterness. I am guilty of this too, although moreson with her than with anyone else.

As I said before, I spend a lot of time on my knees.

Stacey

Thank you so much for your kind message. Yes, it is difficult. What I am doing now is waiting for a bed to come open in a nursing home. It has become increasingly difficult to care for her with her ...Read More

Thank you so much for your kind message. Yes, it is difficult. What I am doing now is waiting for a bed to come open in a nursing home. It has become increasingly difficult to care for her with her diabetes. She is extremely noncompliant when it comes to blood sugar monitoring. I can test it every morning but she absolutely refuses to allow me to test it when she "claims" it is low and it always, always descends into an argument. This is of great concern to me where her mental health is concerned and it is very debilitating for me. Add to this my schizophrenic brother who is given to both paranoid and psychotic episodes. This is exceedingly difficult for me ~almost impossible. After a particularly stressful episode on July 4 I came to realize that I just cannot do this anymore. I have a lot of guilt with regard to this. A lot. Nevertheless, we have chosen and done the paperwork for a nursing home. We are just waiting for a bed to come available. Once this happens and she moves in, we will begin the process of cleaning out the house and I will return to my husband and family in Virginia.

Thank you so much for the hugs. I am very, very sad and I cry a lot. I have a lot of guilt because of having to put my mother in a nursing home and my inability to care for my brother. He really is insane. I will be sure to set up services for him though. The good things about this are that my mother will be going to a really, really good nursing facility. Her doctor called it "the gold standard among nursing facilities". That made me feel better. It is the Hebrew Senior Life and Rehab, which is a nationally known nursing facility. The other thing is that my brother will be "in charge" so-to-speak. Sometimes one's perception is everything. He won't really be in charge but he will perceive it that way. My mother is his whole life. He is 49 years old and seems to have no life beyond our mother. I don't think he has any friends and does not have a social life at all. He does not live with us, but he is here every single day. I am sure he will continue to visit with our mother every day or almost every day and this will give him purpose and in the end satisfaction that he did everything he could.

I don't write in much to vent because most of the time I am so full with it that I don't even know where to begin. Sometimes I do come to the site to write and vent but just cannot seem to get it out.

Thanks so much for your caring. Hugs to you too. ((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))

MRSA is Methicillin Resistant Staphyloccocus Aureus. It is so dangerous because it is a bacterium of the skin that tends to be resistant to most antibiotics. Perhaps you have heard of Streptococcus ...Read More

MRSA is Methicillin Resistant Staphyloccocus Aureus. It is so dangerous because it is a bacterium of the skin that tends to be resistant to most antibiotics. Perhaps you have heard of Streptococcus A which is a flesh eating bacteria. MRSA is very, very similar and is just as dangerous. It generally will present as a sore that just will not heal. A special test has to be done where the area is swabbed with a Q-tip and the specimen sent to a lab. Usually people with MRSA have to be kept isolated until they have 3 consecutive negative cultures as it is highly, highly contagious.

I think the answer to this question is "most likely", but how it comes depends on the state you live in. In Virginia it is through Medicaid. In Massachusetts it is through MassHealth. Check with yo ...Read More

I think the answer to this question is "most likely", but how it comes depends on the state you live in. In Virginia it is through Medicaid. In Massachusetts it is through MassHealth. Check with your local social services office -medicaid division and ask them. There are also city and state run elder services that will pay a small stipend. Check with your local department of elder services.

If arrangements such as a living trust were not made more than six years ago the chances of you being able to get any money out of that house is extremely unlikely if she is receiving medicaid or if t ...Read More

If arrangements such as a living trust were not made more than six years ago the chances of you being able to get any money out of that house is extremely unlikely if she is receiving medicaid or if their are any kind of government funds going toward her care. You should check with a lawyer but I am reasonably certain that they have rigged it so that any money you receive from the sale of a home within 6 years prior to admission to a nursing home makes whoever benefits monetarily from that liable and the nursing home (or the state) has the right to ask for the funds. And I guarantee you they do not care if the money is already spent. I think it is atrocious and abhorrent but that is the way it is. Check with a lawyer as soon as possible.

You should seek the advice of an attorney. You can have her declared incompetent to handle her finances and get a conservatorship for her which would put you (or your husband) in total charge of her ...Read More

You should seek the advice of an attorney. You can have her declared incompetent to handle her finances and get a conservatorship for her which would put you (or your husband) in total charge of her money and finances and takes all responsibility away from her. I do not know if you would also have to get legal guardianship over her, but if you do I believe that guardianship would make you legally responsible for her and everything she does, which means you would also be liable. As I am sure you are aware, excessive spending and hoarding is symptomatic of a much deeper problem. Would she agree to seeing a professional about this?

This is a diagnosis that can be made only by a doctor. I would get him to a doctor as soon as possible as this behaviour certainly does suggest depression. It is not at all unusual for depression to ...Read More

This is a diagnosis that can be made only by a doctor. I would get him to a doctor as soon as possible as this behaviour certainly does suggest depression. It is not at all unusual for depression to be experienced by the elderly. I have known many who were put on antidepressants by their doctors and after about a month began to show signs of improvement. I would also very carefully monitor his taking of these tranquilizers. People have been known to overdose on tranquilizers leading to death. Get him to a doctor as soon as you can.

This is a relatively easy thing to accomplish. If you do not have an attorney then, as Elizza said, call your local department of elders or department on aging and someone there should be able to dir ...Read More

This is a relatively easy thing to accomplish. If you do not have an attorney then, as Elizza said, call your local department of elders or department on aging and someone there should be able to direct you. If she is in a nursing home you might also talk to the social worker there. Good luck to you.

You can ask your pharmacy about having the meds put in bubble packs. These have the day of the week and date and the names of the meds printed on the back of each bubble in the pack. You, or they, c ...Read More

You can ask your pharmacy about having the meds put in bubble packs. These have the day of the week and date and the names of the meds printed on the back of each bubble in the pack. You, or they, can push the meds out for each day. I care for my mother full time and find this way of doing it to be very convenient. I have her meds delivered once a month and all I have to do is switch out the empty bubble pack from the plastic housing and put in the new pack. I don't have to count or figure out if a day has been missed. My mother was having this done before I came to stay with her so I just kept it that way. I think many elderly folks find this way to be easier also.

Whether you and your mother are living together or not, you should get paid. The fact is that if your brother were to hire a full-time CNA or nurse or even a companion for your mother he would have t ...Read More

Whether you and your mother are living together or not, you should get paid. The fact is that if your brother were to hire a full-time CNA or nurse or even a companion for your mother he would have to pay that person. Perhaps he feels that because you are "her child" that you shouldn't get paid. Leave town for a couple of weeks and let him do it. I would bet he would see how much you deserve to get paid then. In all seriousness though, caring for an elderly parent is tough. It is a very difficult and often thankless job. It takes your time, your gas and often times even money from your own pocketbook. If your brother will not help you (which he absolutely should) call your local Department of Elders which usually comes under city services for the elderly or the Mayor's office. Or call your state office for the elderly or social services. There are programs out there that pay caregivers. In Massachusetts, for instance, there is the Adult foster Care Shared Living Program. There is also the PCA (Personal Care Attendant program). You can Google "how to get paid for taking care of my elderly loved one in..." whatever state you are in. Someone who cares for their elderly parent does all of the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry, doctors appointments, etc., not to mention putting up with abuse and accusations. You absolutely should get paid. You can also call a home health care agency and ask them what their workers are expected to do, write it all down in a list adding any extras you may do. Also write down the actual number of hours per day that you are with your mother. If you do not have a job, let your brother know that this is your job and if you were doing for anyone else they would pay you. I am a Certified Nursing Assistant by profession. I get paid approximately 12+ dollars per hour for doing what I do for anyone I might do it for. Private care could be more or it could be less depending on the person's ability to pay and how they pay (out of pocket or via insurances). Eldercare really is not a whole lot different than child care accept you actually do more because there is house work, shopping, etc., involved. I probably repeated myself many times over. I take care of my mother full time and my brother is POA. I am very blessed in that he is a great support for me and he sees to it that I have money whenever I need it. He does recognize the difficult of what I do and that fact that I have other responsibilities. He also realizes that if I were anyone else other than my mother's daughter and his sister I would get paid. Good luck to you. (((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))

Stacey

By all means, do come back and often. I am so very, very glad I found this site. Where I live there is no 24 hour caregiver support line though one would think that since I am in a major city that p ...Read More

By all means, do come back and often. I am so very, very glad I found this site. Where I live there is no 24 hour caregiver support line though one would think that since I am in a major city that prides itself on elder care that there would be someone you could talk to after hours and on weekends. There is the Alzheimer's Association 24 hour hotline, but I have noticed that when if I call during business hours I am rushed off of the phone or told that someone will call me back and they never do. On the occassion when I have called them after hours, I got a good response. Good luck to you, and God bless you as you care for your loved one. But if/when it gets too hard do not be afraid to put him in a facility.

Many nursing facilities allow husbands and wives and long-time companions to share a room. Would this be a possibility? There also are facilities where the spouse/girlfriend can have her own room on ...Read More

Many nursing facilities allow husbands and wives and long-time companions to share a room. Would this be a possibility? There also are facilities where the spouse/girlfriend can have her own room on an assisted living floor and visit him whenever she likes in the skilled nursing unit.

Well, sometimes a short term stay can make a world of difference. I deal with certain issues with my mother and when I had to go away for a couple weeks I had to put her in a nursing home for respite ...Read More

Well, sometimes a short term stay can make a world of difference. I deal with certain issues with my mother and when I had to go away for a couple weeks I had to put her in a nursing home for respite. I think I was gone 12 days and when I got back and picked her up, I was golden in her eyes. It did not last but every now and then I will have to remind her that if she does not want to allow me to take care of her in the way she needs and/or rearrange the house the way I need to in order to keep her safe then I will have have no choice but to put her in a nursing home for her safety. She will generally change her tune then and she will be okay for a while until the next time.

I am not a big proponent of drugs. From my experience I can say that the vast number of elderly folks are over medicated even upon admission. I do agree with CSPaulsen above though and suggest you l ...Read More

I am not a big proponent of drugs. From my experience I can say that the vast number of elderly folks are over medicated even upon admission. I do agree with CSPaulsen above though and suggest you look into how she is being treated. Often times when an elderly person is being mistreated in some way they become abusive. However, more often than not it is because of the dementia in general and/or Alzheimer's disease in particular. Now, not being a big proponent of drugs I can say that there are drugs out there that help to control this behaviour. I suggest you talk to your mother's doctor to see what can be done.

You want to get your Dad in to see a Geriatrician. These are doctors that specialize in treating the elderly and elderly diseases, the same as Pediatricians specialize in children under a certain age ...Read More

You want to get your Dad in to see a Geriatrician. These are doctors that specialize in treating the elderly and elderly diseases, the same as Pediatricians specialize in children under a certain age. I agree with TimmyK48 who said to speak to the doctor privately. I have done this myself. My Mom puts on her best behaviour and could convince anyone who doesn't know any better that she is with it when she really is not at all with it. In my mother's case she cannot take any of the meds that could help with this condition as she is diabetic.

Good luck to you my friend.

Stacey

Hi Doug:

I have spent the last ten years taking care of the elderly in nursing homes in Virginia as a Certified Nursing Assistant. I commend you for wanting to care for your parents in y ...Read More

Hi Doug:

I have spent the last ten years taking care of the elderly in nursing homes in Virginia as a Certified Nursing Assistant. I commend you for wanting to care for your parents in your home, but I would advise you not to. Since they do not remember you it could be very frightening for them and painful for you. Also, if they do not remember you, it is a good bet that if they should get out when you are not looking they could get lost and that could potentially be very tragic. Another thing is that it does not get better, it only gets worse. I am not a doctor at all, but from my experience I could almost say that it sounds like your parents may have Alzheimer's Disease. Alzheimer's Disease is a very unforgiving disease and probably the worst of all dimentias. It takes people with specialized training to understand what is happening with these folks and how to care for them. Caring for them at home would become extremely difficult for you as these folks also tend to wake up in the middle of the night and wander around. If you are asleep this could get to be a problem. They can put things in their mouths that they can choke on or that could poison them or they could otherwise hurt themselves.

All of this said, I would advise that you put them in a facility. They would be put on a locked unit, but this is for their safety because these folks do wander and if a door is unlocked it is almost a certainty that they will eventually wander out of it. Good luck to you Doug and God Bless you.

Thank you. I have started reading your blog. It is very good. I, too, have a blog but it is not about my experiences taking care of my mother. I have a journal in my documents folder for that, but ...Read More

Thank you. I have started reading your blog. It is very good. I, too, have a blog but it is not about my experiences taking care of my mother. I have a journal in my documents folder for that, but I always felt my writings were a bit too personal to put on a blog for all the world to see. There is a lot of stuff that I just do not feel comfortable writing about for public consumption until after my mother is gone. Anyway, I will be reading your blog. It looks really good. Thanks for letting me know. And I will make it a point to come here whenever I am feeling overwhelmed.

I also check in to see if there are any questions I can help answer. I worked for ten years in nursing homes taking care of the elderly.

naheaton:

That would be the best thing but we have to think about our other brother who is mentally ill. Our mother is his whole life and I think it would be extremely important for him ...Read More

naheaton:

That would be the best thing but we have to think about our other brother who is mentally ill. Our mother is his whole life and I think it would be extremely important for him to at least "think" he is having a direct part in our mother's care. Perception is everything in this case and with my mother in a facility here and me gone it would give him the "perception" of power in her care. He would be the one looking in on her every day and as my other brother said:

"for her to be alive and out of the state probably would not be fair to him. As long as she is alive even when she is in a nursing home he would visit her every day. That would give him purpose and probably some stability. I want to believe that when she dies, he will feel as though he did his part in providing her care, and there will be a sense of completion as he lives the rest of his life alone in Boston."

I thought this was awesome wisdom.

When I put her in a home then I will be able to return home to my husband. My children are all grown and out of the house. So it is just me and him. She will be safe and my younger brother will no longer feel that his space has been invaded or that his position with our mother has been usurped. Even though he is 49 and is not retarded, emotionally he is extremely possessive of our mother and I have found out that he also can be very jealous. I believe it has to do with the paranoia associated with his illness.

Thank you both for your responses. Moving her to Virginia with me won't work. I tried as along ago as 10-12 years ago to get my mother to move to VA and she refused saying she would miss her friends ...Read More

Thank you both for your responses. Moving her to Virginia with me won't work. I tried as along ago as 10-12 years ago to get my mother to move to VA and she refused saying she would miss her friends too much. Well, now most of her friends are in nursing homes themselves in various parts of the country or have passed away. I have discussed this with my brother and we both agreed that it would probably be too much for her. But even more than that is my brother who is mentally ill. She is his whole life. He probably would not do well outside of his environment and he would have no one in VA but me. Here he has other family that he can at least get around to visit. We have public transportation here where there is none at all where I live. My brother in NJ said something that made tremendous sense to me and was loaded with wisdom. He said that if our mother is in a facility here he would be able to visit her every day, or at the very least several times a week, he will feel that he is involved with her care. He will have the 'perception' that he is in control of things and the one who is caring for her. This will give him a sense of purpose and a sense of completion after she is gone. He will feel that he did his best for her, which is something that will become very important for him when that time comes. He came to this conclusion after he and his wife discussed the possibility and the pros and cons of bringing my mother down there and taking care of her there. And as far as my younger brother going to NJ, that cannot happen for any longer than a visit.

I just really have no immediate help. I have no one to stay with her while I go out and do things. I can go out between 1 and 4 in the afternoons. I do not like to go out until after lunch, when she is downstairs for the day.

Anyway, thanks again for your responses.

I am caring for my elderly mother in her home. I came to Massachusetts leaving my home in Virginia where I have been living for almost 30 years. I also have a brother who is diagnosed paranoid/schizop ...Read More

I am caring for my elderly mother in her home. I came to Massachusetts leaving my home in Virginia where I have been living for almost 30 years. I also have a brother who is diagnosed paranoid/schizophrenic who is now 49 years old. I am the only daughter with three brothers, one of whom passed away last year, one who lives in another state, and the mentally ill one who lives here in Massachusetts. Although he does not live here with me and our Mom, he lives close enough so that he is here every single day. Needless to say I am having severe stress issues as there is also a lot of history between me and my mother ~most of it bad. I have been here for 9 months and am ready to put her in a facility somewhere and go back to Virginia. I just need someone to talk to. Need support. My husband is in Virginia along with two of our grown children. I am 61 and have various health issues of my own, but am unable to take care of myself due to the needs of my mother. The stress is unreal.