Answered a question 10/25/2010 at 11:06 pm
Dear Bonnie,
You've come to the right place, because I would imagine that most, if not all of us, feel exactly the way you do. We are lonely. We are in pain ourselves. We are overwhelme
...Read MoreDear Bonnie,
You've come to the right place, because I would imagine that most, if not all of us, feel exactly the way you do. We are lonely. We are in pain ourselves. We are overwhelmed and we are oh, so, tired.
There are times I think that when I pass away someday, no one will attend my funeral, because by that time, my friends will not remember me. Tears come to my eyes as I think of it. It's the loneliness you talk about. I run the gamut from depression to sadness to frustration. It is just so hard.
To tell you to take delight in what you are doing or to enjoy the moments when you truly connect is almost naive on my part. It is hard to do that when you are a caregiver.
What I will say is that I know we are doing the right thing. There are times I sit back and I know to my very core, that yes, we are doing the right thing. What we also have to do is take care of ourselves. Maria Shriver has been on TV a great deal lately, talking about Alzheimer's. On one particular day, she chose to talk about the caregivers and gave some important advice. She said we have to 1) Find a way to get some sleep. 2) Connect with other people. (For me, that is often coming to this website.) 3) Do something for ourselves. When I heard her speak, I snickered a little and thought, "If I could do those three things, it would be great, but how????"
And then I realized that I would be no help to anyone if I were sick or incapacitated. I asked the doctor for help in seeing that my parents get sleep, for them and so that I can sleep also. I cannot tell you what increased sleep does. There has to be a way for you to find that peace at night.
I am also coming to realize that even a phone call to a friend or to "someone" helps me connect. What I have to work on is "disconnecting" my brain from thoughts about caregiving. That is the hardest to do. No one wants to hear me complain all the time, but if I read one article in the newspaper or watch a few minutes of TV, then I can talk about that. It takes practice and I'm not there yet. But I have to create a life for myself, even if it is just a few minutes at a time. As for Maria's advice that we do something for ourselves, I am working on it. This is all a work in progress.
Yes, the problem is this undertaking, which has usurped my life, OUR lives, but it is also my - it is also OUR - zealous commitment to do it well, that overtakes us. What we have to do is to try not to hurt ourselves in the process.
So, I can say, "Pat yourself on the back," for doing what others may not do. Give yourself credit for caring about family. I bet you cared about community too and I bet you are a loving and giving person. Chances are you won't hear what I am saying while you are feeling so lonely, feeling so much pain of your own. I didn't at first. But I promise you one day you will realize that you are special, that the gift you are giving is a great one and that it somehow will add to the meaning of your life.