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Drakuu .. I saw your message about your mom not getting up to take you to school. How old are you? Is there another parent close by (one of your friend's parents) who could take you to school? I th ...Read More

Drakuu .. I saw your message about your mom not getting up to take you to school. How old are you? Is there another parent close by (one of your friend's parents) who could take you to school? I think there is probably other things that are not going well at home too. If this an "always" problem, your family will need help. Can you talk to the school counselor about what is happening at home? Thanks for sharing a little about what is happening at home. Take care. Barb

Hello,

I experienced my first angry outburst at the hospital where my mother in law is. She made a number of angry statements about me "admitting" her to hospital. I am not a doctor so have ...Read More

Hello,

I experienced my first angry outburst at the hospital where my mother in law is. She made a number of angry statements about me "admitting" her to hospital. I am not a doctor so have no admission privileges but due to lots of concerns I did indicate that I needed to either drive her to hosp/ER or I would call an ambulance. She was extremely incontinent (caused by an undiagnosed UTI) and unable to clean up her clothing. Her condo reeked on urine almost every day. She would pee in a pot as she could keep it close to her bed. She doesn't cook anymore so no concern about using the pot for cooking. However, she would leave the pot in the kitchen sink.

She was not able to walk more than a few feet and that would take her a long time.

She is completely socially isolated, doesn't hear or answer the phone, is clinically depressed and survives on "Boost" and other beverages.

The doc told her today she would be discharged - and would contact the family to arrange for discharge. We called the nursing unit to confirm what home care services would be in place post discharge. No plans had been made so we indicated that we would not be able to have her discharged.

We stopped by to see her at supper and to encourage her to eat. Upon out arrival, she was hostile, very upset particiularly at me who had been quite involved in her arriving at hopsital and getting admitted. Her recollection of the experience was not accurate and she made a number of statements that were completely untrue. The hospital staff and my husband were able to calm her somewhat.

I was devastated about what she said about me including wanting to get a lawyer etc to deal with me. I left the room as my presence was escalating her behavior.

My husband and I jointly decided to say no to her being discharged but she put all of this on me. I imagine that she felt completely out of control of what was happening to her and around her.

Will she remember how she felt toward me today and any of the things I said? If I see her tomorrow will similar things happen?

We are hoping to see her placed in a care setting that can support her - nutrition, social contact, etc.

Thanks Naus, Sister-in-law lives in another province (like a state) all the way across the country - and MIL does visit SIL (think a visit around a week is all either could manage without some falling out).
 ...Read More

Thanks Naus, Sister-in-law lives in another province (like a state) all the way across the country - and MIL does visit SIL (think a visit around a week is all either could manage without some falling out).

We are still learning about dementia - not sure if she has Alzheimer's or not but the memory loss has definitely started. Think she has made arrangements for power of attorney - one is her son, my husband - but her doc would have to deem her incompetent and we don't want to take away what she can manage of her own decision making.

My parents have both passed and we had a really challenging time with my father after my mother passed. However, we lived out of province then and were not able to help in a big way - but I did assist him with his finances and bill paying which I think was good for him.

Thanks for your reply ... I am open to all the ideas.

Hi,

Is she also dealing with depression or what is it that makes her seclude herself? I don't know what norapathy is ... what is she like when your dad is there? Better? Same? Worse?
 ...Read More

Hi,

Is she also dealing with depression or what is it that makes her seclude herself? I don't know what norapathy is ... what is she like when your dad is there? Better? Same? Worse?

What is the cause of her "feeling rotten"? Physical? Emotional?

It is so hard to watch someone just exist when there is so much still out there for her to enjoy - I'm watching my mother in law do something fairly similar - but she is still living on her own - but has some of the same challenges.

I really have encouraged her to consider assisted living but she is not interested.

How are you doing? Do you have time away? Are you married/have a partner - to share the responsibility with? What does her doc think about what is going on for her? Can you talk with him and her together and make a plan to help her become more active/get out?

You sound like you are in crisis and need help ... what is the arrangement you have made with your parents? What other resources might assist you with your mom? I am glad you are sharing your situation ...

Barb

Let me say first that I am so glad I found this site. The people here are amazing and I am humbled and blown away by the commitments make to their parents and extended families. You are unbelievable - ...Read More

Let me say first that I am so glad I found this site. The people here are amazing and I am humbled and blown away by the commitments make to their parents and extended families. You are unbelievable - but please find ways to take care of yourselves!!!

When I share info about our situation I find that my concerns are SO much less work than what so many of you are doing ... that said I still would welcome all your life experience so please respond.

My MIL (mother in law) is turning 78 next week. It's been about 2 1/2 years since her husband died of cancer. The last 2 1/2 yrs have been very hard as we have tried to be there for her - often to our own peril.

In the last month, we've explored assisted living with her and tried to be sensitive to her thoughts and wishes. She was clear that she didn't want to move in the next few months as she wanted to enjoy the spring/summer in her condo and enjoy her balcony. We toured a couple of AL residences and she "made a decision" the day she toured (for the second time, first time around a year ago) that she would submit an application and put down her deposit. She completed the application but didn't have a cheque so indicated that she would drop off a deposit later. There were suites currently available but the application would have been to move later (and be put on a waiting list).

I spoke with her tonight and she said that she had changed her mind, was not ready and had talked to her sister in law (also living independently but is active in her life - volunteering, etc). I was completely overcome by her decision but went along with what she is saying because although I don't agree (and neither does my husband, her son) she is not likely to consider our thoughts. I've received calls from her neighbours expressing their concern about her wellbeing. She lives like a hermit - only getting out to do banking and see the doctor. Her only social outings are with us.

She has not found a way to start living her life again - she is only existing. She is having difficulty with memory - forgetting things (don't know if she is managing her medications or not), believe that she is not able to keep up with bill paying and has had a few falls. She usually sends birthday cards and cheques to her adult children and to her grandchildren but is behind in this by several months. She is overwhelmed by these things but cannot give them up - or just write a cheque and 10-20 words of greeting in a card (she wants to write a letter with each card - but finds this too hard to do). I recently typed a few letters on the computer for her to enclose so she didn't have to write everything over and over again by hand.

Her nutrition sources include: Boost, baby food jars, toast and occasionally more substantial food. We invite her over for meals or out to dinner every couple of weeks. We cannot manage more than a meal together every week.

She has no real friends - she has family and a few acquaintances. So her social interactions are 95% with us.

Her sleep schedule is quite disturbed and she frequently sleeps most of the day. She is up at night quite a bit. She has been on an anti-depressant for the past year or so and plans to come off soon.

We cannot have her live with us. We both work full time and I have an emotionally demanding and time intense job as a social worker. I have little left to give ... and I don't want her to rely on us ... I want her to take whatever responsibility she can for her own happiness and build a support network that includes more than my husband and I.

We know that she is not managing on many levels but cannot take on more responsibility for her. We are looking for advice on what we can do to help her build that support network.

I am thinking of scheduling a time for a long term care assessment (focussing on services that she can access while living in her condo rather than on trying to have her placed somewhere). Please help us find our way to help in a way that preserves her dignity and our sanity.

Thanks

Barb

Thanks for sharing your story ... both my parents have passed but my husband and I are caregiving (out of the home) his mother. She is in the early stages of dementia but more than not is still prett ...Read More

Thanks for sharing your story ... both my parents have passed but my husband and I are caregiving (out of the home) his mother. She is in the early stages of dementia but more than not is still pretty much dealing with reality. Her husband died almost 3 yrs ago and she has not completely recovered - and I realize that it is unlikely that she will ever be the same. She has bright days and darker days.

I cried when I read the story of your father ... and mother. This business of losing loved ones gets pretty hard at times.

Hello everyone,

I read everyone's posts and it puts my situation into perspective!! My father in law died almost 2 1/2 yrs ago and my mother in law has not recoved and I am coming to terms ...Read More

Hello everyone,

I read everyone's posts and it puts my situation into perspective!! My father in law died almost 2 1/2 yrs ago and my mother in law has not recoved and I am coming to terms with that things are not likely to change. I have an intense job working with families in challenging situations so really provide a lot of support in addition to managing two caseloads at work for the past 4 months.

My MIL lives in the same community in an apt on her own. My issues are that lately more often than not she does not get out more than once a week (if that). She sleeps the majority of the day. She has no outside pursuits or interests in spite of still being able to drive and get around. Given that my work life is so stress filled it is hard to watch her "waste her days".

She is not demanding or difficult but I think I still take on doing too much for her. She is in the early stages of dementia - forgetful and gets confused about facts. We had considered having her live with us at one point, but I know I could not manage emotionally to respond to her day in and day out (especially while working).

I've tried a million things to try to get her into activities but she won't go to things on her own. I am looking for advice on whether or not to have a "heart to heart" about my thoughts or whether to just continue to keep my views to myself and let her be.

I think she would do well in an assisted living situation especially around social connections and activities - also she could have a pet which would make a wonderful companion - she cannot have a pet where she is right now ...

Any advice ... I realize we still have it good ... given that we are not doing day to day caregiving. She has one other adult child, a daughter who lives a long way away (all the way across the country) who she talks to by phone, e-mails and visits a couple of times a year. I tend to have her over for dinner a couple of times a mont, take her shopping and to some of her medical and other appointments.

I look forward to any advice offered.

I don't know the answers to your questions ... but feel for your situation. I'm hoping someone with more insight into your situation gives you some advice that is helpful. Sending prayers your way!!

When I first found this site, I was struggling with being a out of home caregiver to my mother in law. She is dealing with her husband's death for the past two + years and I keep hoping she will be ab ...Read More

When I first found this site, I was struggling with being a out of home caregiver to my mother in law. She is dealing with her husband's death for the past two + years and I keep hoping she will be able to bounce back but it doesn't seem to happen.

My husband and I have discussed at some length of having her live with us in a larger home where there is a suite for her. We would spend time with her every day I am sure but we would live somewhat independently. I am in a high stress career and don't have a lot of emotional or physical energy at the end of the day. I am SO thankful that we have not had her share our space. She has a hard time getting herself going and has many days that she doesn't get dressed. I know I would have a hard time with her living with us.

When I read posts from people who are caregiving for their loved ones, it drives home how hard it is and how much one gives up. I can't take on the additional responsibility. My heart goes out to those of you who are in the caregiving role for parents who are difficult, mean or angry. Dealing with Alzheimers or dementia is so tough. My parents have both passed and my Dad went through some difficult times where he was evicted over and over again due to his smoking. We would not have been able to manage his care with any of us, his three daughters.

You are all heroes ... but don't let yourselves pay the ultimate price with your own health. You matter!!! Do what you can to keep yourselves healthy - you deserve it!!!

Thanks Sunshine,

We took her on holidays last summer and it went pretty well - we let her sleep however late she wanted (usually until some time in the afternoon). I've shared with her som ...Read More

Thanks Sunshine,

We took her on holidays last summer and it went pretty well - we let her sleep however late she wanted (usually until some time in the afternoon). I've shared with her some info on the local seniors rec centre - she states she isn't a "joiner". We've done a few mother in law/daughter in law getaways that she has quite enjoyed. She does fine when I go with ... but doing it on her own is another story and unfortunately the rest of my life is filled with stress. I find that when she sleeps "all day" I have a hard time with it. Mostly because I wish I had even a little more time ... and she has too much that I think she just sleeps it away. So part of the issue is with me ... and I think I do better not knowing that she is sleeping her days away. I am thinking maybe not calling until the evening when she is most likely to be awake.

She states she has lots of interests that she is now free to pursue ... she just doesn't take action. I know that doing new things at an older age is difficult so I do try to provide some support to get the process started.

I am trying SO hard not be judgemental about the situation ... especially as I don't know what she is really dealing with on the side and how it feels ... I am just trying to figure out how to take care of me (and the people I take care of work all day long in my work). I will see if one of the seniors tours might get something happening ... thanks.