Member Profile

Thank you for your prayers.

Hello All- Wanted to update- I am feeling some better. Mom is still mean and angry. Her staying that way and staying in the house all day everyday is having a big toll on her health- I can see it, she ...Read More

Hello All- Wanted to update- I am feeling some better. Mom is still mean and angry. Her staying that way and staying in the house all day everyday is having a big toll on her health- I can see it, she is declining and it breaks my heart. But she will not go anywhere w/ me other than the grocery store. She needs a haircut but will not allow me to make appointment-says she can not afford it-which is completely ridiculous. I think that is meant to be some sort of manipulation on me-but I do not play into it-just say OK let me know when you change your mind. I try to remember I can not control her emotions-just be sure she is safe, has all she needs. I still get pangs of anxiety when I call her or go over, I have again begun to call her each day just to say Hi and see if she needs anything. She is cold- but I tell her to call me if she needs me and that I love her- she responds "umhmm goodbye". I am leaving for 2 weeks to go see my husband. I have taken her to the store, let her know I will be going so she stocked up -I have arranged for a friend to bring her milk and perishables for the time I am gone. She had an absolute fit over that..but Crowemagnum- your advice was good- I calmly told her well sorry it is done and no you did not have a choice in that,.
It is for my mental well being as well as you well being. Done. I have a trusted next door neighbor on call to let me know if anything seems wrong-or if i need them to ck on her. So I can not believe it has been 8 weeks since all heck broke loose- I was in such a state it went by like a fog. Thankfully I found this site and the support ,information available here. I am coming to grips with how advanced she is in this disease, I had no idea. This site and the people on it have gotten me through. I will keep you posted.......

foxycharm- That is so scary that a legal professional would give you such advice. That is something I have dealt with also- we turn to pro's for help and advice assuming they know what they are doing ...Read More

foxycharm- That is so scary that a legal professional would give you such advice. That is something I have dealt with also- we turn to pro's for help and advice assuming they know what they are doing and acting in everyones best interest, but not always the case -you have to be careful even there-crowemagnum gave me some sdvice here on that earlier.
Crowemagnum- you are so right about the intimidation- and she knows she is doing it. Weeks ago when I was in a really bad state emotionally over moms anger and meaness toward me- I mentioned to her how much I worry, that I drive by in the morning to see that she has taken in her newspaper to know she is ok. yesterday I see a notice -she canceled her newspaper 2 days after I told her that! I am not going to mention this to her, that i know. I do not understand the reasoning behind that-but I can not possibly know how she is thinking now, trying to stay on that course- I can only make sure she is safe and cared for...repeat...repeat!
So another thing I just realized in the last few days...I surprised Mom w/ a ticket to go visit her brother in Oct/nov. Mail just came from the hospital up there -Mom was in the hospital overnight while she was there and NO ONE told me!! It most likely was for an intestinal problem she has had since surgery years ago- goes to Hosp every 6 months or so with problems from adhesions. I can see her telling them not to tell me as I would worry(this was before she turned into someone else)However her brother still should have notified me! He is in denial also thinks she is fine...that is another story. But here is the thing- When she came home after 2 weeks there- I noticed her speech was slurred, very slight but I kept noticing it, I asked her about it- she said she felt fine and was not slurring, I paid attention and after a week or so it stopped. so I never thought more about it. I now realize that may have been signs of a ministroke?? I have not noticed it again tho I used to be with her everyday for several hours-now it is only a few days aweek briefly at her request. Could this have been a ministroke? would this account for her becoming so angry and more reclusive and all these other problems? Yesterday she was speaking about some of her neighbors and was getting the names totaly wrong- beginingwith the same letter but another name- i did not correct her to see if she caught it or changed it-she did not. What do you think?
I am feeling Ok- as she requests-leaving her alone but cking on her w/out her knowing. I still get all worked up and anxious when i do have to go see her or take her to the store-she still hates me.

Thank you - that was the clearest concise descriptions I have found. I now see Mom is in stage 4. Her denial and ability to hide it so well have made it difficult and at times even I wonder......so I ...Read More

Thank you - that was the clearest concise descriptions I have found. I now see Mom is in stage 4. Her denial and ability to hide it so well have made it difficult and at times even I wonder......so I have had to be a bit of a detective and pay close attention. Knowing what is to come-I hope i can prepare for it.

Crowemagnum- I get it...I am in a deep deep FOG and your wisdom helps. Secret Sister- You are so right- where is our help, compensation ect? It does seem that so many, family,profesionals just say-"Su ...Read More

Crowemagnum- I get it...I am in a deep deep FOG and your wisdom helps. Secret Sister- You are so right- where is our help, compensation ect? It does seem that so many, family,profesionals just say-"Suck it Up". some have said to me - think of the years she cared for you as a child- I do- and I am trying. I have not even touched on here the financial burdens caring for mom has brought me and my husband. It is substancial to us...she does not aknowledge this at all- has her money, house, income and is set. If I ever ask for anything-whoa- you would think I just asked for her last nickel. She does add the I -intimidation to the FOG. When I do insist something happens-such as a repair on the house or other small thing - she later gets angry and says she had no choice in the matter.
Competency- I simply can not do this now,no way no how. She would go absolutely ballistic- I believe this is reason she will not go to the doctor- as of now she has all her prescriptions ect is due for her yearly but will not go. I am not going to force this, If she needs to go to the Dr. for any reason I will take her asap. I would rather just let her be,make sure she is up and about, monitor her actions best I can. I know I will have to do this in the future probably near future- Iam selfishly hoping she "slips " abit more and may not care or realize when the time comes.
I feel stronger today...I have not seen or talked w/ mom since friday...when I do have to go see her or talk w/ her... I start to feel physically ill so I am tryingto stay away- yet make sure she is ok. This is breaking my heart.
Thank you Thank you for this forum and all the support!!!!

Yes I believe it is becoming a competency issue- however I am too fearful to take the legal steps to follow through on that, yes I know she is already mad -and eventually I may have to but that would ...Read More

Yes I believe it is becoming a competency issue- however I am too fearful to take the legal steps to follow through on that, yes I know she is already mad -and eventually I may have to but that would just be unbearably awful right now I would not live thru that.. She actually has not mentioned the POA recently. And I think now I honestly don't care. We were at the attorney regarding the title on my home -to have it turned over to me and out of her and my deceased fathers names-That went pretty well- she did not really get it though. I left the room to give her the opportunity to ask him anything she wanted in private, she did not. He did touch on the subject of her house and estates, tax implicationspossibilities of trusts ect- she did not want to hear any of that so we moved away from that. I had advised him that even though that may make some financial sense- i di dnot want to push anything. If she calls this attny- which she likely would- I am confident he will at least let me know what is up- I trust him. So for the last 2 days I have been very ill -diverticulitis- no doubt from this stress. I try to let it roll off and deal with her as advised, regarding the alz. but it is so so hard when she seems herself one minute, seems she is "normal" I try to reason with her which gets me nowhere but upset. Looking back- the cold shoulder has been her way of punishing- forever. though the hatefulness seems new. Looking back also over the past 7 years-when Dad was so ill, when I "helped "her move and "helped" her pack the house ,sell it and all that- she always got mad at me and did the silent treatment-drove 3 days from florida with her not talking to me...but I knew I was doing the right thing so I was strong. But the new hatefullness, suspicions ect- are killing me- I read somewhere- A sick mind does not realize it is a sick mind. So I will try to just let her be, make sure she is safe and has all she needs, let her be miserable and mad at me. I hope this will pass. She can not connect the dots- but sure thinks she can.The story about the glasses - seems funny- I would turn purple to have that be her only concern! But I realize that is so frustrating also to have to go over and over the same things!I wish I had a crystal ball with a timeline of this! To know how long this stage will last at least I could see the light at the end...but I fear it will go on forever! Then I feel guilty for wishing this to progress- to the "easier" stage as I know that leads to the next very sad stage. Thank you everyone for your help and support advice and suggestions- it is the only thing keeping me sane here!

hmmm- maybe yes but to a much lesser degree- cold shoulder has long been her way to punish.

Thank you. Your advice really helped me to get through that 6 weeks of He double L. I know it is not over for me and Mom but I hope i will be able to handle it better and care for myself at the same t ...Read More

Thank you. Your advice really helped me to get through that 6 weeks of He double L. I know it is not over for me and Mom but I hope i will be able to handle it better and care for myself at the same time.

Ok- I am feeling better- though not great. I took the advice here and have taken a week off to myself. I brought Mom all the grocerys she could need for a week, did not tell her I would not be calling ...Read More

Ok- I am feeling better- though not great. I took the advice here and have taken a week off to myself. I brought Mom all the grocerys she could need for a week, did not tell her I would not be calling or coming over, just told her to call me if she needed me. I do a drive by in the day to see blinds are open and in the eve to see blinds closed and lights on- which means she is up and about. It has been hard as the worry and guilt that daughters/caretakers have on our shoulders is...unbearable. I have done some reading,soul searching and reached out by phone to others that have been in my shoes, the advice is all pretty much the same, which it is hard to let things roll off your back when your own mother is so angry and you have done so much for her. It does help to know others have had the same situations-it is not just us...it is the disease. So she has been "stewing in her own juices". I received a call from her yesterday-something minor she wanted remind me of, and suprisingly her voice,tone and words were-softer. So I see her tomorrow, hope it goes better. Thursday- I am seeing an attorney by myself to answer my questions regarding POA and options I have regarding the inevitable-when I will need to "take over". Friday Mom and I go to an attorney(different one) together to find out how to best to change deed on my house- If she has other concerns( POA ect) she will be able to ask, perhaps by phone/private though I have given all the info to this attorney and hope he will advise her accordingly- and let me know of anything i need to know...So we will see how it all goes. Thank you to all here for your advice and support- I was emotionally at my end, it was killing me emotionally and physically.Thank you. I will probably be back but feel now i have the tools and knowledge i need to deal with this better. To all looking to this forum for support and help, advice- it is here, you are not alone in this. It is amazing how much alike the stories are and the pain we feel. Leaves me wondering why we as a society, are so ill equipped to handle these things- when it is so so common- thse problems of caring for aging parents, the pain guilt and suffering?

I am back for some more support here. I will look into the book Stop walking on eggshells. I have tried to take some time for myself to heal. I did go to a therapist- local and specialized licenced? i ...Read More

I am back for some more support here. I will look into the book Stop walking on eggshells. I have tried to take some time for myself to heal. I did go to a therapist- local and specialized licenced? in elder care. This was no help, she was very stern, not supportive of me and my pain or helping me to deal with it- she focused on Moms well being, told me she was not the mother i knew and to get on with caring for her- our finances should be completely seperated( how do you do that when you are caring for someone? said she(the therapist) needed someone other than me to go into that house and check on her- if I did not have someone that could go in and report to her on moms well being she would be required to "report me". This did not help me but added more anxiety. I left there in more upset than before. I do not know why she took this direction- I explained the situation to her honestly and openly as I have here. Told her that i had been taking a few days of from seeing her everyday, explained that I made sure she had grocerys and drove by to make sure the paper was in in the morning and lights on at night- so I could rest better. But was leaving her alone as she requested.She was vey accusing regarding financial decision I had made( as described previously here.)I had to have a friend stop by on the pretense of visiting mom and call the therapist to confirm her well being. This was all a horrible experience in addition to all the pain i am in.. to add to that mom is still being hateful to me, seems to be just laying on her sofa and crying all day. she looks awful and will not go to the doctor- i can not make her. she is suspicious I am "doing something" I called her brother- which also was no help- he just kept saying she was fine and just depressed in the winter becauseof the cold. I do not think anyone realizes or will accept when i tell them she needs help. I need help. For the past 7 years she goes absolutely nowhere and makes no move without me- years before that it was Dad. she seems to be swinging between rage and deep depression. She insisted, hysterically, I cancel the appointment I made with an attorney to change the deeds. He is an attorney we met with 4 years ago for advice on estate planing-an elder care attorney, she liked him- said so many times, though she never would follow through on his advice which is how we have arrived here...she cried and got very upset/angry insisting that I cancel that appointment because she did not like him. so I did and have called another for appointment...is this because he is in addition to other areas an "elder care" attorney? It is all too much. How long does this difficult time last? It seems like forever. I have heard that as disease progresses she will become easier, but what if it is not dementia or alz and she is mentally ill and gets worse instead of more mellow> I can not handle this. All of your help and words are appreciated

Thank you crowemagnum. I have tried to take a few days and heal myself. It has not really helped.Mom is still angry and will not interact with me. I am not sure what she must be doing with her days. S ...Read More

Thank you crowemagnum. I have tried to take a few days and heal myself. It has not really helped.Mom is still angry and will not interact with me. I am not sure what she must be doing with her days. She is I think just sitting and worrying with her mind going in loops. I go by and see that she is up,dressed and the house in order but that is it, she asks me to leave. Actually her house is strangely neat-almost as if she is giving extra effort to show she is in control-I don't know. I have an appt w/ attorney re: the changing of the deed, she will be coming also, that will be tough-she rarely understands what how or why things work. I ALWAYS have to try and explain to her. I have durable POA and designation as health care surrogate. She still refuses to go to either her doctor or any counselor or pastor. My husband is supportive to a degree but is hurting my marriage. He really does not understand the disease and as she has been so good at hiding it..he is getting angry with her for causing me such pain. I am coming to the realization mom will perhaps be angry with me from here on out....I see I am going to have to make decisions she will not like-even though for her own good. I talked to a counselor/therapist-did not really help. I still feel lost and all alone. Dealing with the idea mom hates me is too much.

Thank you all for the support. I just was at Moms house and she is cold as ever. She said again she is afraid of me now. Tears again for me. She refuses to go to the doctor- she is due for her yearly ...Read More

Thank you all for the support. I just was at Moms house and she is cold as ever. She said again she is afraid of me now. Tears again for me. She refuses to go to the doctor- she is due for her yearly next month- but has refused to go. I have tried in past as now suggesting a visit for some anxiety meds but she absolutely will not. As for her brother I asked her yet again this morning to call and talk with him( he is in ok health and i think sound mind) she venomously refused and "forbade" me to call him. I amso afraid to contact him or her doctor for she will go completely ballistic. I do have an appt w/ an attorney soon I am going alone to talk openly with him and then after perhaps she will go. I hope to at least get some good solid information to share with her re: the properties- she does not realize that hername on the deed will make my house an asset of hers that should she need nursing home care or whatnot could be lost. I know i need helpbut I do not know where to turn

Oh yes I have apologized over and over and over. Told her I love her and will always care for her and asked her forgiveness many many times. I and my husband have tried to explain why we did this this ...Read More

Oh yes I have apologized over and over and over. Told her I love her and will always care for her and asked her forgiveness many many times. I and my husband have tried to explain why we did this this way, because she would not agree to the change and it HAD to be done, we did not want her to worry about it ( as she obsesses and worries so so much, if she has not heard from me by 12 noon each day she would call in a near panic asking if everything is allright.)I apologize each day and tell her I love her. She wants none of it. Says there was no reason we should have needed a mortgage on our house. I gave her a list of all the repairs made and more that is needed. Her reply is that we should have done this as we could pay cash. That is how she believes things should be done. unreasonable and unrealistic from the 30's. We have tried to apologize, explain and move forward. I had to remind her also that a few months after finalizing the loan- I was helicopterd to the heart hospital, nearly died and at the age of 49 needed a pacemake- I was in perfect health-according to the doctors- had complete heart block for no reason they could find. I was out of work for 8 months with that. she forgets. If we had not at that time had an equity line- it would have been very very bad. I had been completly stressed for years with Dads sufferring in hospice and caring for her,trying to get her moved. and for a time 3 houses til I could sell hers in Fla to pay for her new house and all the work to get it ready for her-much of the work-painting,fixing,remodeling-I did with my own hands plus working 2 jobs. Doctors say stress does not cause heart block-but i wonder. So yesI have aplogized every which way. And I am trying not to get angry with the nasty things she says to me-forgiveness. Sunday she would not go to Mass with me- thought I should not be in church. I am at my wits end here- my husband works on the west coast in the winter- I used to go with him-andalso work there but since mom moved up I would travel back and forth as I needed to care for her-she would not hear of hiring someone to come by and take her to the store or to check on her. My job is seasonal so this leaves me unemployed dec-feb. here. This year I can not leave here because of her. so I am alone with this,I do not think I can deal anymore.

Thank you. Good Advice on the Attorney. I can not go to the attorney that prepared the POA as he is in Fla. But we will be going to an Attorney here for the Deed. So perhaps I can let him know the sit ...Read More

Thank you. Good Advice on the Attorney. I can not go to the attorney that prepared the POA as he is in Fla. But we will be going to an Attorney here for the Deed. So perhaps I can let him know the situation and allow her to discuss with him, hopefully he will agree it is a bad idea for her to not have a POA. I am terrified of even mentioning the word incompetent- she is fearful of this happening as she watched her sister and father decline and she knows where that goes- she is struggling to hold on to her mind and denying anything is wrong. Today again I suggested we go talk w/ someone,a counselor,priest to get another outside objective view and to help us resolve this-she adamantly refused- i think she fears this will lead to the incompetent thing- we had a struggle similar some years ago-she becomes suspicious that i am trying to do just that and loses faith that i am here for her and will always be. Today she said she is afraid of me-that I will sell her house from under her....I have killed myself the past 7 years to care for her-all gone in her mind.I am crushed. I know in my brain I should not take these things personally but my heart listens and is breaking, I have been in tears everday for a month. Today i had to force her to go to her dental appt- she said she was just going to let her teeth fall out. later she asked to go to the ATM- which she can not use alone - each time I let her try as she is determined and then go to help..she was trying to withdraw 600- got very frustrated /angry as she could not complete the transaction- I went to help..I asked her why she needed such a large sum..she said she wanted cash on hand..I do not know what she is thinking -she has never ever done that before. and she goes nowhere-we live in a very small town - ther are no cabs or public transpo - so? She also will not go to a doctor when she is like this - afraid I am up to something, the competency thing. She will not allow herself to be actually tested for alz. But I know- i watched my Aunt and have researched- the signs are all there.she knowstoo-or knew. So the Attorney is a good suggestion- but I do not see how I can broach the competency thing- i would not survive the rage from her.

Mom has alzheimers early stage(?). My Dad passed 7 years ago - since then I have cared for her every need above and beyond. I love her. She has always worried and it is constant now. financially she i ...Read More

Mom has alzheimers early stage(?). My Dad passed 7 years ago - since then I have cared for her every need above and beyond. I love her. She has always worried and it is constant now. financially she is set, lives in her own house 2 min from me - I made all this happen.all remodeled and paid for. She recently found that my husband and I have a small loan on my house, her name is still on the deed as well as my Dads-she refused several times to change this-I could not budge her. so we did it w/out her knowledge. Mind you she is financially secure, I care for her and we take care of all bills on my house. She has gone absolutely over the top about this- We are in process of changing the deed now-she finally agreed. she will not speak to me- allows me to take her to the store but ignores me- the hateful accusing things she is saying are killing me. i cry most days. she will not go to talk w/ anyone about this and try to resolve it between us. I am an only child- there is no one else-just me and my husband. she is being so hateful and now wants to revoke the POA- she needs me to do this as she can not handle anything but what will happen when I need this to care for her more? Which will likely be sooner than later she is 77. If I deny her and do not take her to do this she will become more enraged. Advice?

I have been caring for Mom for the past 7 years. The 1st year was spent flying between my home and my parents to help when Dad became terminally ill. I am an only child, Mom is 77. While Dad was in ho ...Read More

I have been caring for Mom for the past 7 years. The 1st year was spent flying between my home and my parents to help when Dad became terminally ill. I am an only child, Mom is 77. While Dad was in hospitals and hospice I took care of planing for the inevitable with my Dad, Mom would not accept he was not coming home. Dad had done everthing-the bills, caring for the house,shopping and cooking. Mom has never ever driven and has always been fearfulof...well everything. Just before Dad passed as we were planing what to be done, he told me"Mom is not like she used to be." I asked what he meant by that- he was vague and said she is not social-don't make her leave her house, take care of her. I realzed later she likely has alzheimers- her sister,father both suffered with this disease. she absolutely will not go to be tested. But all the signs are there.The next year was spent flying back and forth to take care of the house and her ect. She was isolated, no friends , no interests,and constantly afraid. some younger neighbors would take her to the grocery store2x a month( which was a bit weird but they had been friendly for years) and that was it unless I flew down. It became clear she was not doing well and I had to do something. I searched for months and found a cute 2 bedroom 1 level house 2 blocks from me.Perfect! We Mortgaged my house which was paid for to buy this house spent endless hours remodeling for her all the while flying her up for awhile then back to Florida. The time to list her house for sale came and i had to gently nudge her along, spent 2 weeks packing and moving her to her new home- it is so cute and perfect! She took a long while to get moved in I tried to let her be in control- but clearly she needed help to decide where to put things ect, she would just sit and worry. So we got it done. Her house in fla sold and we were able to pay everything off. 5 years later she seemed settled. she has a sum of money in the bank good income from pension and ss with little to no bills. I take her everywhere and make sure she gets out for walks and socializing-she does nothing w/out me. i have accepted that and the sacrifices. my husband works out of state in the winter - I am not able to be with him 100% as I have to be here for her- the travel back and forth again is expensive and tiresome-but gotta do it. she still worries so much about everything it is hard to take. sorry so long but that is the condensed version of the past 7 years. So now the newest problem- My house still has my mom and Dads name on it- we just never did anything about it. The house is waterfront and valuable but needed and still needs some repairs and upkeep as part of it is a rental unit. I take care of all expenses and repairs on my home -of course. mom is set her house paid for and all refinished. so 2 years ago I told mom weneeded to change the deed on my house that we needed to borrow to take care of things. We are responsible adults. Nope no way she would not agree -the house was free and clear she wanted it to stay that way. She does not at all understand how things workthese days and is fearful as I said of everything. SO- as I have power of attorney and it is my house - I took out an equity line- wemoved forward and took care of what we needed to do, with the idea of refinancing in 3 years-all good. Well by the slip of a phone call she realized we have an equity line on the house...mind you we have not been late on 1 payment and take care of everything.Mom has gone into hysterics and depression and will have nothing to do w/ me other than to take her to the grocery store- where she asks me to not come in with her. she is being very hateful and hurtful to me. the things she is saying are shocking to me- all I have ever done good has been erased. I am trying to be loving and care for her - but she is making it next to impossible. I cry most days-call her everyday to see she is ok and she gives me one word answers and hangs up when I go over she barely allows me in and then asks me to leave. she has agreed now that we will change the deed.but that is it-she says she will never get over this. I can not live like this it has been 1 month and my heart is broken.She will not go to a counselor or our priest to talk -I have asked- so we can get past this. I do not know what to do. I can not continue this way it is killing my health-hers also. But what do i do? she has a brother in another state- but to sell this house and move her again would likely be too much. please any advice-this is killing me I can not live like this for months much less years.