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It sounds like you need to possess superhuman powers to keep that schedule and workload. Big caregiver hugs to you! Try not to kill yourself through care giving. (I call it overcaring/caring too much. ...Read More

It sounds like you need to possess superhuman powers to keep that schedule and workload. Big caregiver hugs to you! Try not to kill yourself through care giving. (I call it overcaring/caring too much.) It starts by rising to the crisis du jour and before you know it, it becomes all consuming. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!!! BIG HUGS TO YOU! Jamiea336

The brand TENA makes an overnight pad, it is super absorbent like a baby diaper but it isn't a diaper - and it is not disposable underpants either, like depends are. TENA is a full front and back pad ...Read More

The brand TENA makes an overnight pad, it is super absorbent like a baby diaper but it isn't a diaper - and it is not disposable underpants either, like depends are. TENA is a full front and back pad, no sticky tape - but you can put them in undergarments or use them alone if your elderly one doesn't move around too much. I would also suggest you get some of those wet-proof pads like they use in the hospital - they go directly under the butt area and absorb any leaks the Tena pad can't catch. I learned a handy technique by watching the hospital staff, they use the roll / remove & replace technique. Much easier than changing and washing bed sheets multiple times a day. The Tena pads are expensive but if you can eek something out of the budget -they are total sanity savers!

PS...my house is a sty too - I doubt that makes you feel any better about your situation - but we are only human and can only do so much. With two young children you already have the perfect explanation for an untidy house -caregiving gives you exponential justification!!!!! Cut yourself some slack and make a wide path for the fact that you simply can't do it all. Hang in there and go easy on yourself!

24/7/365 caregiving takes its toll for sure, particularly so when you are also dealing with dementia. You so do not need to defend the arrangements you have with your brother to take care of your Mom ...Read More

24/7/365 caregiving takes its toll for sure, particularly so when you are also dealing with dementia. You so do not need to defend the arrangements you have with your brother to take care of your Mom. If you are an over exhausted caregiver then many people suffer - actually it could be dangerous for both you and your mom. Also, you deserve to live your own life, just in case you forgot. Hugs for you & your family, Jamie

I'm guessing that your mom gets upset because she doesn't want any change that requires her to adapt. I would be willing to bet that if your mom got to stay in the same location she could tolerate th ...Read More

I'm guessing that your mom gets upset because she doesn't want any change that requires her to adapt. I would be willing to bet that if your mom got to stay in the same location she could tolerate the 5 day shift changes fairly easily, not that you and your brother would, could or should do such. And, I think it is awesome that your brother has started sharing the responsibility with you.

I don't know of any surefire fix for your situation and this may sound silly, but have you considered giving her a security blanket or something like a worry bear, maybe both? (If it's a special purchase I suggest you also pick up a spare.)

They should stay with her at all times and whenever she gets anxious or upset you and your brother would only remind her to hold her security item(s) to help her comfort herself. Try not to coddle the upset moments because that has potential to prolong her adjustment period, but when she achieves moments of self comfort using her items give her plenty of praise and attention-or if she's anything like my grandma- a favorite snack would be even better.

It's not an immediate fix, but over time it may help her to accept the transitions of her new routine.

OK, I AM A LIAR! NOW I'M GOING TO TELL YOU WHAT YOU SHOULD DO.

STAY IN SCHOOL!!! INVEST IN YOUR FUTURE.

Do not LET ANYONE TALK YOU INTO making excuses! Your one year old nee ...Read More

OK, I AM A LIAR! NOW I'M GOING TO TELL YOU WHAT YOU SHOULD DO.

STAY IN SCHOOL!!! INVEST IN YOUR FUTURE.

Do not LET ANYONE TALK YOU INTO making excuses! Your one year old needs care and so does your father in law. - But it doesn't mean it's all on you to care for both! IT WILL ALL WORK OUT. Yes it will, but with the way you sound right now, IT WILL ALL BE AT YOUR EXPENSE!

By all means, tend to your child...but I'm sorry that hubby doesn't know what to do with his Dad. Please for your sake, LET HIM FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO FOR HIS FATHER!!!, If you can offer assistance between your responsibilities and classes that would be great / but otherwise there are services available.

Do not fall into the well meaning caregiver trap. Please!!! It is like a bottomless pit! But on the other hand, if you do...I've been in here for close to two years now-and I'll enjoy some new company!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Barthas is so right! I've been taking care of my grandma for almost 2 years now. I have no life, well not any that I'm happy to wake up to each new day. I have spent every dime I had in savings and ...Read More

Barthas is so right! I've been taking care of my grandma for almost 2 years now. I have no life, well not any that I'm happy to wake up to each new day. I have spent every dime I had in savings and I have no job other than 24/7 grandma duty. And guess what - there's NO benefits.

It's like I turned my house into a private rest home, and I never intended for that to happen. I thought grandma would function as part of the family, but she doesn't she just watches TV constantly and expects me to do everything for her (including change the channels for her!) She doesn't like for friends to come here and hides in her room. She won't join in at meal time unless it's just my kids and me. Is it any wonder that friends don't want to come around anymore.

I know I have to make some changes and reclaim my right to a productive life, aka: go back to work. I don't think it is selfish. But I do think it would be foolish for me to continue in self sacrifice. Hmmm...I think it's better to plan for when I'm old rather than ignore it could happen!!! The only thing she planned was to stay in her home for as long as she possibly could.

When I took all of this on I really believed it was the right thing to do. I have struggled from the very beginning, but I thought we were adjusting and it would get better, easier or something like that. No, I just keep getting more miserable and my kids too. Now all I can ask myself is, "Who exactly is this right for?" I won't say what you should or shouldn't do, but I hope sharing a little about my experience can help you make good choices **for yourself**

Take care,
Jamie

I found some helpful info at http://www.benefitscheckup.org/

It can be really confusing trying to figure it all out. Good Luck!

Dear WheepingWillow,

I read your entire post, twice. It sounds like the phone call you received Oct 08 was from a bonafide shyster. I suggest you gather all of the letters from him and turn ...Read More

Dear WheepingWillow,

I read your entire post, twice. It sounds like the phone call you received Oct 08 was from a bonafide shyster. I suggest you gather all of the letters from him and turn in as much information as you can about him to your local Consumer Protection Agency; consider it an act of public service.

Also, maybe you could send that same info to your local news channel that does investigative reporting - our local is called Channel 2 wants to know - they can get just about any guy to do the right thing, but if not they at least run the him out of town by letting everyone know what he's up to. It may never result in you receiving the $35,000 in needed home repairs, but you may help protect someone else from his underhanded tactics. A lot of people in your situation would be so eager to get some help that they would ignore the warning signs, that is if they ever even saw them.

Check out this website to see what assistance you may be eligible to receive. http://www.govbenefits.gov Click the benefits tab and complete the anonymous questionnaire - you just might be surprised by the results.

I read you have been in your home for 33 years, however; that doesn't necessarily mean that you qualify as a senior citizen, but if you do then your local senior resource center will connect you with services that can assist you in your situation. If you don't qualify as a senior, then contact social services for your area. There is help available, but you must seek it out, just keep this old saying in mind "Pray to God, but row towards shore."

I like your handle, WheepingWillow. Did you know the Weeping Willow has the ability to absorb standing water, and when planted near trouble spots where water stands in puddles, they disappear. And even though Weeping Willows are often found near rivers, lakes and wetlands, they can grow just about anywhere, demonstrating tolerance to drought. Also, did you know that almost all Biblical references to this group of trees are associated with joyfulness and fertility. Oh, one more thing, the roots of the willow tree will spread out much farther than any other tree to find the water they need.

You chose a name that is highly symbolic, and I guess the point I'm trying to make is...that you my dear are stronger and far more resilient than you probably ever imagined. I will keep you in my prayers. YOU WILL FIND the help you need, and YOU ARE the miracle worker that will change your life for the better. In the meanwhile, keep posting because that helps you to release some of your stress and letting go of stress is always a good start for healing. I mean it, keep posting, I would like to hear back from you before the end of June. June 2009 that is.

Take care,
I'm sending lots of
healing love your way,
Jamie

YOU GUYS!!!!!!! You are making my 'fix it' fairy wings try to flex and fly!!! I wish I knew what to say or better yet, DO! But all I think the best I can do is pray for you and your dad. I wish I ...Read More

YOU GUYS!!!!!!! You are making my 'fix it' fairy wings try to flex and fly!!! I wish I knew what to say or better yet, DO! But all I think the best I can do is pray for you and your dad. I wish I had some answers!

Dear Nauseated,

I feel compelled to say a few words here...If you fail to take care of yourself first, how can you possibly offer care to others? Ever been on an airplane? The friendly an ...Read More

Dear Nauseated,

I feel compelled to say a few words here...If you fail to take care of yourself first, how can you possibly offer care to others? Ever been on an airplane? The friendly and well trained flight attendant always instructs the passengers, should the event occur, to first secure your own oxygen mask - then assist your child. Do you know why they say that? Because we all (well most of us anyway) need reminders to take care of our needs first - so we are able to offer assistance to others.

Have you ever observed a lifeguard assisting a distressed swimmer? The first thing they'll do is to dunk the person in need of assistance under water, assuming the swimmer is still conscious. The reason they do it is because they are trained to do it. It doesn't come naturally. But if you think about the distressed swimmer- very afraid- he is trying to grasp and cling to the rescuer -quite desperately, for it is a matter of his life or death. If the lifeguard doesn't sufficiently control the panic, then he is at risk too and no one will be rescued.

If you are just now putting your health and safety first, I think you have just reached the 'trained professional' status. Congratulations!!! What part of that permits guilt? Not a bit of it, really.

Lots of love to you!!!
And you're doing great!
Jamie

...darn computers!!! ...even when it wasn't the 'right' thing for ME to do; you know a good girl doesn't rock the boat. I am very proud to say that I have made progress on not being such a good girl. ...Read More

...darn computers!!! ...even when it wasn't the 'right' thing for ME to do; you know a good girl doesn't rock the boat. I am very proud to say that I have made progress on not being such a good girl. Don't get me wrong, I'm still good - but today I keep my focus on being good to ME!

I spent a lot of time defining my beliefs, values and principles. It is hard work but so worth it, because you then know when someone is feeding you a line of crap (aka: trying to take advantage of your good nature or WORSE trying to tell you you're not capable!) Do not try to live on crap, it cannot sustain you. I can't say that it is easy to always honor your truth - actually it is very hard, but it is so worth it because you can always feel good about who you are. (and I make that statement from the place of truly believing I am good, kind and caring- even though I'm prone to the many mistakes humans make. I must always guard myself 1st because I often offer my goodness to others too freely and wrongfully deny myself.)

First you have to believe in yourself, then you have to trust yourself to do what is right - even if/when everyone else has doubts. "To thine own self be true..." Wasn't that from Shakespeare?

Austin - you take care (of you!)
Jamie

Welcome Annlidiot, I don't think you're missing anything...yet. But the day will probably come when you realize you are missing 'a life of your own,' the one that you used to enjoy very much before t ...Read More

Welcome Annlidiot, I don't think you're missing anything...yet. But the day will probably come when you realize you are missing 'a life of your own,' the one that you used to enjoy very much before taking on the role of caregiver. I think the options for good home care are hard to find because very few hired/paid helpers can have the care and concern that family members have. And if you are lucky enough to find help that you and your elder are comfortable with, it is very costly. I used to have help that I hired through a friend of a friend. She was very good to my grandmother but it didn't take long for the costs to add up. Once a personal relationship/ friendship was set, it didn't take long before good will was taken for granted and then outright taken advantage of. I tolerated it for a while because she made my grandma happy and I didn't want to deal with a 'hissy fit' because I changed grandma's routine. Then I tried getting a service to come in - but consistency is key. It was a disaster when they tried to send someone other than the regular. I currently use a cleaning service to take care of household chores, and they only say hi and smile at my grandma as they clean around her, but even that was cause for a feud. She claims to be 'set in her ways' and I'm being generous to merely agree with her description in this post. She is my full time job and some days she makes me nuts, but not enough to put her in a home...well, not yet. Though to be honest I must admit I do think about it often and there was one day I actually visited nursing homes in my area.

PS- Figuring out that insurance stuff is fun isn't it? Not!!!

UPDATE...what to do with grandma’s house??? This is a true story – I swear. I still can’t believe it really happened like this…but it did.

 ...Read More

UPDATE...what to do with grandma’s house??? This is a true story – I swear. I still can’t believe it really happened like this…but it did.

I drove the 750 miles to grandma’s home town and checked in at the local Super 8. My oh so thorough planning ahead skills fully at work, I had reserved a room for one night only. I checked in just before midnight and promptly passed out. I woke up bright and early the next morning thanks to all of the other guests slamming their doors (every door sounded like it was right next to my head). I decided to forget about needed sleep and instead get an early start on my work. I stumbled out into the lobby since the motel offered a courtesy breakfast bar, and the staff was on the ball because it was up and running. (Side note) I DO NOT function well without morning coffee, and coffee really was my sole mission. But immediately my senses were hit with the smell of something yummy – fresh hot waffles – and I was starving. I couldn’t help it, coffee or not, I HAD TO HAVE A WAFFLE. So in my still mostly asleep state, I attempted to make a waffle and it wasn’t working out so well for me. A very sweet and kind woman bystander began to instruct me through what should have been a relatively simple process; that is, if you are not sleepwalking. Finally, my waffle was cooked and I had my desperately needed cup o’joe. Since I hate to eat alone, I invited myself to join the kind woman who helped me. – By the way, her name is Barb. - We shared breakfast and a little small talk, “Where are you from…what brings you to town?” I about fell out of my chair when Barb said she was in town to help her son find a place to live. Thank God the caffeine had started to kick in or I may have really embarrassed myself! In retrospect, I asked too many pointed questions and probably made her feel a little uncomfortable, but fortunately she answered honestly anyway. Her son had just separated from his wife and needed a place to live, fast; one in which his wife could not object to their children coming to visit…Do you get where this is going? I was wide awake and smiling like an idiot while I told what brought me to town, “Which by the way, did I mention grandma’s house happens to be fully furnished right down to dishes, silverware and linens? You know, maybe we should talk more about this with your son.” I can’t recall anymore exact details, but by the time breakfast was finished we had agreed that Barb and her husband would follow me to see the house. I felt the need to give a disclaimer about the fact that I hadn’t seen its condition in almost 2 years, and honestly I had no idea what we may walk into.

I was quite surprised to find the door unlocked and in the middle of the living room floor was a fake Christmas tree along with many bags of household items, none of which belonged to my grandmother, her basement was full of cushions for patio furniture and also empty luggage. As it turns out, the neighbors who were ‘watching it’ for safe keeping had turned grandma’s house into their own personal storage facility. Okay, things could have been much worse like the local homeless using it as a shelter facility. Right? Barb and her husband looked past all of the neighbor’s belongings and checked the house out thoroughly. Barb sat down on the living room sofa and decided grandma’s house was just precious, perfect in fact, and she hoped her son would think so too. He came to see it later the same day and he took no time to express his desire for a lease agreement on a furnished rental. He didn’t feel any need to check for other/better options as long as I felt we could work something out. My 1st day in town was far more productive than I ever imagined. Grandma’s house was a done deal, almost.

It took me a full two weeks to get all the household systems up and running properly and also deal with grandma’s personal items. I must say that all in all, the timing and success of my trip had to be orchestrated by God’s grace. All I did was show up with a quasi-willing heart and He took care of the rest. I’m not saying it was easy, because it definitely was not. But I am here to say that every need I had was already filled – all I had to do was look around to notice, and find it LITERALLY waiting for me. There is some much more I could write but this post is crazy long already. I just wanted to share this awesome experience.

I'm sure Medicare would cover it just the same as they cover the added plumbing expenses! Seriously, I still think it would be a worthy investment. I saw one, a self contained unit, no plumbing necess ...Read More

I'm sure Medicare would cover it just the same as they cover the added plumbing expenses! Seriously, I still think it would be a worthy investment. I saw one, a self contained unit, no plumbing necessary at Home Depot for $1,100. I just need to sell a spare kidney on ebay before I can buy it :o)

I am glad to hear you and your mom are doing okay!!

I'm dealing with the heap of red tape that covers grandma's house. So Far all is going very well even though my fix-it fairy never showed... But now I am convinced God has sent an army of angels to mo ...Read More

I'm dealing with the heap of red tape that covers grandma's house. So Far all is going very well even though my fix-it fairy never showed... But now I am convinced God has sent an army of angels to move a mountain or two!!! Which is far better than any fairy, Right?!

Anne, did something happen? I hope you and your family are well. Is it just me, because I'm cross-eyed tired from my drive? I hope yu can post soon to clarify. Take care, Jamie

764 miles is a long day of driving!!! But I did it, now that I am here - all I need to do is make sure this trip is productive. This should be interesting since the planning ahead phase consisted of ...Read More

764 miles is a long day of driving!!! But I did it, now that I am here - all I need to do is make sure this trip is productive. This should be interesting since the planning ahead phase consisted of booking myself a hotel room - for ONE night. Anyone starting to pick up on my issues with commitments?? No seriously, I just wanted to leave my options open and flexible on the chance that my budget accommodations turned out to be at the Bate's Motel. And that was a really good call on my part because assuming I survive the shower, I will definitely be upgrading for tomorrow night's stay and the remainder of my trip.

Hey Nauseated - About what to do with the house --I am thinking lease with option to buy / owner financing possible under acceptable circumstances. It may not be fast - but might be better than giving the house away, or having renters trash it, or having a property management company $$$ you to death, er... debt (whichever it is that they do.) Would certainly need solid contracts etc... I'll let you know after more due diligence.

Nauseated, 1,200 miles is a very long trip. I hope you have back up! I don't have any great answers- but I have been seriously entertaining the idea of asking Dr. Phil to provide some advice. The one ...Read More

Nauseated, 1,200 miles is a very long trip. I hope you have back up! I don't have any great answers- but I have been seriously entertaining the idea of asking Dr. Phil to provide some advice. The one hang up I have about it, is that you have to agree to be on the show and I'm not wired for that kind of thing. I'd probably spontaneously combust on the spot! But then again...that would get me out of having to deal with all this mess. Okay, I am not making sense anymore. I think I'd better go to bed. I'll try again tomorrow, sweet dreams.
Jamie

I hope you will share some of your poetry, I'd like that. I find my new life is very much like riding a merry-go-round, but it's got this funky roller coaster twist and I never see it coming. I just r ...Read More

I hope you will share some of your poetry, I'd like that. I find my new life is very much like riding a merry-go-round, but it's got this funky roller coaster twist and I never see it coming. I just read 'still giving kisses' and I'm a bit worried, based on her guide not only does my grandma fit into early AD - but I do as well.

Thank you ladies! I don't know why, but it helps me to know that there are others with similar feelings. Now that seems dark. Though truly I wouldn't wish a burden of this type for anyone.
 ...Read More

Thank you ladies! I don't know why, but it helps me to know that there are others with similar feelings. Now that seems dark. Though truly I wouldn't wish a burden of this type for anyone.
(Well...except for an ex-boyfriend or three!)

Grandma was admitted into the hospital from an assisted living facility, her main condition was listed as failure to thrive. Now I am questioning the decision I made over a year ago to move my grandmo ...Read More

Grandma was admitted into the hospital from an assisted living facility, her main condition was listed as failure to thrive. Now I am questioning the decision I made over a year ago to move my grandmother into my home. At the time, I knew it was huge and I wondered if I could truly handle it. I decided I could, and unfortunately I failed to take into consideration the impact it would have on my children. Grandma adores my son but only tolerates my daughter. My daughter has been subjected to unfair favoritism and she is fully aware of it. I am very angry right now. That is such an understatement at best.

I know all the sacrifices I have made and I did it willingly at the time, but things have changed. I look at the state of my life and the quality of my children's lives, and I question my decision. I want to 'undo' our living arrangement and get back on the track of being the best mom I can be, which I've recently redefined. There was a time that I thought as a role model that meant taking care of my grandma in my home with my children helping along the way. It seemed like the only right thing to do, but now I'm not so sure. Today it seems more like we are all hostages because grandma didn't want to acknowledge her abilities declining and she wanted to stay in her home as long as she could. The truth is, she stayed too long and refused to plan for the time when she couldn't.

Now, I can't help but ask myself why I continue to take responsibility for the choices she made, rather refused to make year after year. The truth is, the children and I have done a remarkable job with making her comfortable and happy in a life she would NEVER have chosen for herself. The catch is that now I've noticed that the three of us are no longer thriving, but she is. Is it worth it? I find myself in a quagmire of family values; priorities vs. loyalties. Honestly, I do not know what I am going to do to change the current situation. But, because of my experience I have become very proactive and set up long term care plans for myself so I never put my children through a dilemma of this sort. However, I'm not sure that means very much to them at this point.

I saw your post. I'm sorry you felt dismissed during a crucial time, the kind of time when we wish for our family to pull together and make our bonds stronger. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
 ...Read More

I saw your post. I'm sorry you felt dismissed during a crucial time, the kind of time when we wish for our family to pull together and make our bonds stronger. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Jamie

Hi Cat,
I don't think my gram would want to play alone either, after all...She never went to bowl alone. No, she was on a league and all that. My kids and I play with her and it's fun family time ...Read More

Hi Cat,
I don't think my gram would want to play alone either, after all...She never went to bowl alone. No, she was on a league and all that. My kids and I play with her and it's fun family time, we get a bit carried away most of the time. Also, it gives her a wonderful way to connect with her great-grandchildren. She has helped them to improve their scores, and they were amazed that her suggestions worked. I'm glad you can take your mom out, because my gram rarely is willing to go out these days. I hope that is just because it is cold out and warmer weather will get her going again. Stay well. Ja336
PS. If your wii is just collecting dust sell it on ebay or craigs list! Just a suggestion :o)

Grandma moved in with me and my two kids after her hip replacement. It gets pretty crazy around my house, but the cat, rabbit and our two dogs seem to handle it all rather well.