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jan (gvergrl)
Age: 50
Gender: Female

I am caring for my father, p, who is 85 years old, living at home.

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ctwmn37 gave a hug 2/6/2011 at 6:32 pm

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gitanolady gave a hug 2/5/2011 at 4:27 pm

I agree with you as to being an honor. If it such an honor I feel everyone should participate. But feel blessed that you can contribute and put your feelings aside. I know its hard to do because I sha ...Read More

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lgallagher gave a hug 2/5/2011 at 1:09 pm

My husband suffered from PTSD and started counseling 5 yrs ago. He just had a huge breakthrough and is now able to remember withoput the disabling pain. Get help now. It will be hard and take time, ...Read More

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Elaineg gave a hug 2/5/2011 at 10:15 am

I really relate to your experience and the PTSD. It's good to know there are others out there who feel the same. I wish you well with your caregiving. I'd love to be part of a group of caregivers wi ...Read More

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rrettof gave a hug 11/19/2010 at 8:46 pm

I feel your frustration! Hang in there and know there are others who care and support you from afar ;-)

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AgingCareTeam gave a hug 11/1/2010 at 12:44 pm

Happy National Family Caregivers Month!

National Family Caregivers month is about honoring yourself as one of the 65 million family caregivers in this country who take care of their loved o ...Read More

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Stuck gave a hug 5/18/2010 at 6:28 pm

20 years.......oh my...I'm thinking 10 for me...my whole golden years when I can still get around...but 20????

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SecretSister gave a hug 12/20/2009 at 6:13 am

Dear Jan, my thoughts are with you. Thanks for the message on my wall. I keep trying to post, but can't with this system. Wishing you well, and praying for you. A

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SecretSister commented 12/20/2009 at 6:11 am

I've been trying to post but the system wouldn't let me.

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SecretSister gave a hug 10/5/2009 at 9:10 am

Dear gvergrl, I'm sending you a hug today. It breaks my heart to read you feel like giving up. How about a prayer for help? When you've done all you can, know you're not alone. I'm thinking of ...Read More

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LindaLSmith gave a hug 9/29/2009 at 1:22 am

Wow, can I ever sympathize with you. I and my family "looked normal" to the outside world, too, but weren't. There was a lot of tension, anger, resentment, some sexual abuse, and lots of denial. I h ...Read More

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LindaLSmith gave a hug 9/23/2009 at 11:28 pm

Hi, well I found myself there, too. When menopause hit (as well as a couple of deaths in my family), all the while simultaneously becoming my mother's caregiver, I had to do something! Luckily, I had a wonderful doctor who just prescribed the antidepressant without any further discussion. It was SO apparent that I needed something big. At first, I felt like taking them was one more insult to my personhood and life, because I've never liked to take anything. But, when I eventually (they take a while to work) saw that it did NOT change my personality whatsoever, but instead made it easier to cope by taking the edge off of all the stresses and losses, I accepted it. And I now laughingly say that my taking it cuts down on the number of murders (that I might commit) in my county! Ha Ha But, really, I tried to get off of it for some time. I've been on this medication for about nine years. But, I'M easier to get along with. And, it's easier for me to deal with all of life's frustrations, and there are SO MANY! And my mother is still living with me. My body must just be lacking something that the antidepressant provides. And now, I figure that I'll probably just be on it as long as I live, because I feel so bad when I'm not on it. It's worth it. Even my mother says it's like I'm a different person on/off it. I call it my Dr. Jekyll/Mrs. Hyde medicine. And she agrees 100% (chuckle). For me, it's a good investment in myself and in my relationships. My family means a lot to me, even though they stress me to my limits, ...... not to mention all the negative news on TV and bills piling up, etc. But we all have those last few things. Hang in there, yourself. And remember, you are NOT a failure if you decide to take a medication to help you. You are only a failure IF YOU GIVE UP! THE TURTLES WIN! This is a long race of "life" that we're all in. I want you to win, too. I plan on winning, myself, although my life isn't always neat and tidy and pretty. Hugs to you!

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naz gave a hug 9/10/2009 at 4:54 am

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SecretSister gave a hug 8/31/2009 at 9:11 am

Thank you gvergrl! You are so thoughtful to remember my mom's appointment today. I leave in a few minutes. It's scary for me. Thanks for your comfort and support. You are an angel. Thanks for ...Read More

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yearight gave a hug 8/27/2009 at 3:55 pm

Here is a belated hug. You are a truely special gal. Thanks for the support. Where would we be without God? i don't even want to think about it! We are all walkin' talkin' miracles!!!!!!
...Read More

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ezcare gave a hug 8/26/2009 at 10:07 am

A big part of my recovery from toxic parenting is in finding ways to give back. If enough of us do that we will break the cycle for many others who might not have had a chance.

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SecretSister commented 8/21/2009 at 2:00 am

Dear Jan, thank you for posting on my "Anne" wall. I can only post from here (SecretSister), so that wall is easier to access, but no matter. I want to encourage you to hang in there. Read the "Co ...Read More

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SecretSister gave a hug 8/11/2009 at 2:40 pm

Hi Jan, just wanted to say I enjoy reading your posts, perhaps, because I can relate. I like what you posted on my "other wall." Hope all's well with you. Anne

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Anne commented 4/28/2009 at 11:48 am

Dear Jan, I read your post on "I thought I was alone." You are loved, if only by us "strangers." I can relate so much of what you're saying. I'm at my Mom's right now, who just got told she's got t ...Read More

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Wrote on SecretSister's wall 12/16/2009 at 11:21 am

Happy Christmas to you!
I know I disappeared. Sorry. I just realized that I was trying too hard to help people that did not want any help. I am concentrating on keeping my little family alive and ...Read More

Wrote on SecretSister's wall 10/1/2009 at 11:00 am

Sis,
I think I am just going to give up. My sibling refuses to admit that anything needs to be done and has gone to a lawyer to stop the process, so I am more than willing to accept the bluff. I ...Read More

Wrote on LindaLSmith's wall 9/30/2009 at 10:23 am

I wish I had had parents that were kind and loving. If They had been, I would want to be there helping. I mentioned in post that my parents will own my soul to their graves, and I got chastized by peo ...Read More

Wrote on LindaLSmith's wall 9/27/2009 at 1:32 pm

Thank you for your message of support. I really can not afford medication, but i can not afford not to. I have lived a life time of abuse from my family and having to willingly walk back into it feels ...Read More

Answered a question 9/27/2009 at 1:14 pm

When do you stop bowing to their will and assert your good sense????

If they had ever listened to your good sense, would they be where they are now?
My head is mushy from trying to reason with unreasonable people. If I were an only child, I could take the bull by ...Read More

Answered a question 9/23/2009 at 4:03 pm

Caregivers Dementia. How do I keep my own memory strong in so much stress?

My great grandmother, grandmother and mother all suffered from dementia. Now I am forgetting what i am talking about as I talk. Like someone just turned me off. I feel like throwing up all of the time ...Read More

Answered a question 9/21/2009 at 9:59 am

Questions about Guardianship. What are the pros and cons?

Thank you all. My computer is on it's last gasp and I may not get back with you for some time, but I would like all of you to know that your counsel has meant so much to me. It is easier to see things ...Read More

Answered a question 9/20/2009 at 10:14 pm

Angry parents? Is there someone else dealing with this?

my mother would drive to my house and complain about my father for hours. everything I suggested, every way that i tried to help was useless. She would be gone just long enough for me to bang my head ...Read More

Answered a question 9/20/2009 at 9:44 pm

Questions about Guardianship. What are the pros and cons?

OH! you don't think he could be unloading things so that he HAS to move in with me, do you?
Would a parent do that? yes. HE would. Oh no!
He better move in with the kid that got all of the property!
...Read More

Answered a question 9/20/2009 at 7:55 pm

How much influence does dad's doctor have on whether or not he can continue driving?

I don't want your father behind the wheel.
Some of us have children just now driving. I understand he doesn't want to lose his freedom, but I doubt he'd want anyone to lose their child either.
...Read More

Answered a question 9/19/2009 at 3:14 pm

My main problem is my emotional response to living with my mother and becoming her caregiver. It seems I'm frustrated ALL the time. How do I take better care of me?

I cry. ...and get angry, and all of that. But when do we go to the doctor and get an anti depressent. What are the signs that this is more than just being sad?

Asked a question 9/19/2009 at 2:50 pm

Questions about Guardianship. What are the pros and cons?

My parent is starting to give things (property) away. I have an appointment with a geriatic lawyer to get gaurdianship. It won't go over well with the recipiant of the land grab, but the care giver is ...Read More

Answered a question 9/10/2009 at 3:36 pm

How can I get an elderly woman with dementia to stop scratching herself until she bleeds?

Oh, and Benedryl Cream will not help hives. They are an internal itch, not an external itch. That was how my allergist explained it.
You can try benedryl tablets, but make sure there isn't a drug ...Read More

Answered a question 9/10/2009 at 3:26 pm

How can I better handle the stress of dealing with a critical elder?

I made so many excuses for my abusers.
But, ironically it was when I saw it leaching over into my own small family, that I revolted. I will protect my family from it happening to them, but befor ...Read More

Answered a question 9/10/2009 at 1:42 pm

How do you care for your parent when there has always had some form of mental illness?

My mother is calling my father's doctors and changing his appointments so that SHE can take him (she has some control issues) However, she does not let anyone else know. Then she forgets to take him. Then the caregiver takes him and is told the appointment is not on that day. (We have the original appointment card for proof.) We are talking over sixty miles round trip here. Six months ago, I would be frothing at the mouth. Today, I'm just annoyed.
Tomorrow, I will be over it, because it will start again soon enough.
Mitzi is right, complaining just feeds our frustration. and Neon is right, find something more pleasant to do than thinking of your mom.
She owns you as long as you let her.
Give up trying to control her uncontrolable behavior, and give gaurdianship to the courts. Get your life back before she harms your health. My parent's aren't worth the physical problems they have caused me...which by caring so much, really, I caused myself.
My real family, the one I made, deserves me so much more. Yours does too. Cut mom her slack by cutting her loose. If a court mandated gaurdian is responsible for her, then you will not be to blame if anything happens to her.
I am the last person on the planet to say,"Die." but when it comes to my parents, they have sucked all the life force out of me. I am no longer trying my best. I only do what works, and that is not what they need. But neither one wants what they need. so, I let them be. I let my brother handle my mom the way he feels he needs to, He is not doing it very hard, but that is how they want it. so I let it be.
The thing that helped me the most was giving my worries to God. If it needs attention, then God will handle it the way it needs to be handled. Me becoming a wreck over it wasn't working. Give your burden to God and go visit Neon's Calgon country.

Have a better day and a calm week, and we know the anguish you are going through, we are not belittling it by offering suggestions, it is just thst these things helped us, and we hope that they will help you as well. My husband has spent 25 years trying to get me to understand that I can't change them. That they ARE happy. Mean, nasty, bitter anger makes them happy. But it eats us alive. I can handle that now. I got it through 'my thick head', as piratess said. Easier to say than do. one day something will click and you will have had enough of the frustration. The mother meter will be full and nothing more can be let in. I pray for you that that day will be soon.

Answered a question 9/9/2009 at 3:11 pm

How do you care for your parent when there has always had some form of mental illness?

you girls are a hoot.

Answered a question 9/9/2009 at 3:10 pm

Am I being selfish?

No. Dad is physically able to care for himself. As soon as you move in and take over, he will lose that ability. Get him involved with some sort of ham radio, or fishing group, something that he enjo ...Read More

Commented on a discussion 9/9/2009 at 11:51 am

smiler

You found the right site. The advisors here are very understanding, and the users of this site are 'been there done that, and mom is peeing on the floor as we speak', sort of people.
...Read More

Answered a question 9/8/2009 at 12:27 pm

How do you care for your parent when there has always had some form of mental illness?

Wow. A lot has happened in a week.
I have spent the morning reading threads and posts.
And I have a few questions.
In one thread, some people feel that this personality disorder is a w ...Read More

Wow. A lot has happened in a week.
I have spent the morning reading threads and posts.
And I have a few questions.
In one thread, some people feel that this personality disorder is a weakness of will, and that It should be able to be controlled. I am sure their anger feeds their anger, but if something did not develop correctly in their brains, can we expect any behavior different than they give? and also, could we, as one thread mentioned, cause their behavior to be worse - feeding their anger by getting angry about it? What works for me is total disinterest. Nothing bounces back, the momentum dies.
BUT, if that works, then doesn't it kind of sound like 'yes, Virginia, they CAN control their actions?' and if these people can fake it for doctors and strangers, why be so stinking mean to us?

I too have my husband explain things to people. He is considered 'Normal" and I am just the misery that erupted from a bad union. People will listen to my parents and get a very wrong opinion, but will hear my husband in a different arena. I am outta da loop. Or just loopy.

The care giver is now saying things like,"you were so right!" ''I couldn't believe all the stuff you said at first, but man he's awful to his family!" "He knows how to fake it in the doctor's office." "Your mother just has to have total control doesn't she?"
I have mixed emotions about this ressesion/depression some of us are experiencing. It sure is making my life a misery, but would I have a caregiver for my parents if she didn't need the job?

I am able to learn so much from reading your posts. I too wonder if I will feel something uncomfortable when my parents die.
I have freinds who said all they felt was freedom and relief. What a sad eulogy. But we can not mourn their lack of tenderness and compassion. We can not mourn the love they could not give us. They will not change on their death bed. All we can do is keep them clean, fed, safe. Do not expect back anything and you will not be disapointed. If we do these things that we do in hopes that one day they will see the light, then we are deluding ourselves. And that is our fault, and not theirs. It is difficult to see the forest for the trees. Take some giant steps back, look upon them as clients, not parents. It has always felt like a job to be their kid anyway. (without pay or benefits)

I listened to the speech to the school children that the president made today. No matter what political side you are on, it was a speech that could have been written for anyone of us here.
We have to dig down deep inside of us and pull ourselves up. Mom and dad aren't going to do it for us. and in many cases, they don't want us up. We must not fail ourselves.

Commented on a discussion 8/31/2009 at 5:48 pm

end of meds.

Dad isn't a door locker. I'm just happy when he buttons his pants.
She was there the night we brought him back from re-hab. He had had a stroke because he refused to take his meds. He was frail, ...Read More

Answered a question 8/31/2009 at 5:10 pm

Mom has been referred to a Psychiatrist for some ongoing issues. Has anyone helped a loved one through this process? Can you guide me?

I logged on today to find out how today went for you. About as I expected it would. They listen. They listen. They listen. and then they listen. Eventually they will hear what they are trained to hear ...Read More

Answered a question 8/31/2009 at 4:44 pm

Is it right or wrong for an elderly parent to pay their child for care?

I hire someone, part time, three hours a day. $13/hour.
Cleans, cooks, meds. I pay extra hours for shopping, doctor appointments, and any extra time needed. He is in his own home.
...Read More

Answered a question 8/31/2009 at 9:04 am

How do you care for your parent when there has always had some form of mental illness?

Let us know how it goes today, sis. I will be thinking about you.
We want them to be happy, or at least content. I hope this will help you both.

Answered a question 8/28/2009 at 11:36 am

How do you care for your parent when there has always had some form of mental illness?

I was reading the 'count your blessings' post back from May. A girl was telling her mom that she was on this site too much. I feel that way about me now. I need to wean a bit. I have had a place to si ...Read More

Answered a question 8/27/2009 at 6:21 pm

How do you care for your parent when there has always had some form of mental illness?

That last bit you wrote is like me behind the curtian. Dad blew through 500 dollars this last month on tobacco, candy, and pastries.
I would be in a sugar induced coma.
...Read More

That last bit you wrote is like me behind the curtian. Dad blew through 500 dollars this last month on tobacco, candy, and pastries.
I would be in a sugar induced coma.
I do not care if he has no money in his wallet.
Let him howl.
He has really good care, she buys him real food. Keeps things clean. her husband comes in and does the jobs that I will no longer allow my husband to do. I want his money to go for those things. My brother has agreed to be the one who takes away the credit card and the check book. (I like him better now.)
-Get this- dad made a huge fuss that people were coming into his home at night. He didn't call the police because by the time he woke up, they were gone-...?...hmm. surprizing.
So, I took his check book and credit card, he thought it was the safe thing to do, then, I stole his money. I gave him back his credit card and check book. He has it, uses it, and somehow, I sssssssstill have his credit card and check book. I show it to him, I put it into his hands, my mother writes checks and has him sign them( without knowing what his balance is-but why should that concern anyone but me?) And he still tells people that we are stealing his money.
They are children in the candy store. With a charge card. Even the care giver says that it has to stop.
She talked on the phone with me for about an hour tonight. My mother lives half an hour away from my father, but in her dementia...
-I KNOW she should not be driving... that is a whole 'nother thread.-
...she comes to his house about four times a week and drives him 40 miles into town, each week. She is on the 'appease her husband loop.' My father is on the, 'you never take me to town and I have no food' loop. Neither one of them can remember yesterday. or five minutes ago. I think now is the time to realize that they are not adults anymore. We have to step in and treat them as children. not with disrespect, but with the knowledge that they are not able to make wise choices or good decisions. No more guilt here. It is what it is.
sad.
but I can get over that.

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