Commented on a discussion 10/15/2010 at 6:53 pm
James,
You have a difficult path ahead. My advice is to take things one step at a time. First, see if you can get your mom to a doctor for a medical checkup, and request a neuro-psyche evaluati
...Read MoreJames,
You have a difficult path ahead. My advice is to take things one step at a time. First, see if you can get your mom to a doctor for a medical checkup, and request a neuro-psyche evaluation. There may be other problems which have contributed to her deterioration, and it is better to have a medical opinion before you make any decisions. Some forms of dementia are reversible, so do this first!
Next, have you talked to your mom about a medical POA, just in case - this would give you (or whomever she chose) the right to make medical decisions on her behalf if she is unable to. Listen to her ... what does she want? Does she have a DNR (do not resuscitate) on file with her doctor? Next, if you can do this delicately, ask about her wishes after she dies - does she want to be buried? cremated? has she already made arrangements? Does she have a list of who she wants you to notify? This doesn't have to be a depressing conversation, if you can show her that what you really want is to be ready to do what SHE wants.
If you can, see about getting the Durable Power of Attorney so you can handle her finances. Suggest that she quit work (how old is she?) so she can enjoy her hobbies more ... is there a senior center nearby where she could still have social interaction? Is your mom able to manage her ADL's (activities of daily living) on her own? Can she dress herself, feed herself, etc? Is it possible to hire someone to live with her? A companion/housekeeper?
Check into the independent care senior facilities near you - see if there is anything for restricted income seniors - my mom did very well at one of these for quite some time. The biggest problem for us was transportation to and from shopping. If you can set her up so that she has as much independence as possible, but can still count on you to assist with shopping and medical appointments, she might be okay for quite a while. If not, your next step is to apply for MedicAid - get a social worker assigned to your mom's case, and find out what options you have.
Your wife has a right to expect you to put her above your mom, especially if it strains your relationship. I know it's a hard thing to do, but there are solutions - you just need to find them.
Your mom's agressive behavior is a symptom of her frustration and memory loss. Her personality change is partly fear, but can also be attributed to the mental trouble in her head. It's bad enough that our bodies betray us with age, but to have our minds slip away ... !
~FyreFly