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Hi Jeanne - thank you for your comment about sharing my experiences. I have been MIA for a few days, so am a little behind. I am happy to share anytime, though it is topic from which some (perhaps mo ...Read More

Hi Jeanne - thank you for your comment about sharing my experiences. I have been MIA for a few days, so am a little behind. I am happy to share anytime, though it is topic from which some (perhaps most) are likely to shy away. To me that is unfortunate, as death is something we all face. I am a little surprised that more do not share similar experiences on this site.I had a near death experience after giving birth to my youngest son (the one who died at age 23). It has given me great comfort.

Banshee, thank you for sharing and I am glad for everyone's sake that your mum is safe in a nursing home. As far as jumping into the middle of a thread, this is a "How are you" thread for members who ...Read More

Banshee, thank you for sharing and I am glad for everyone's sake that your mum is safe in a nursing home. As far as jumping into the middle of a thread, this is a "How are you" thread for members who have dysfunctional families particularly, so anyone is welcome any time. Happy about your encounter with the living God. He makes all the difference.
I have been MIA for a few days, but have been reading and thinking of you all.
This is a heavy load we carry, but lighter for being shared.
Live hugs and prayers ♥♥♥
Joan

oh ((((((frannie)))) I am glad you have done this. I could write a book (under an assumed name, of course) of all the characters I met, and things I dealt with during on line dating. I shared details ...Read More

oh ((((((frannie)))) I am glad you have done this. I could write a book (under an assumed name, of course) of all the characters I met, and things I dealt with during on line dating. I shared details with one girlfriend, and we had lots of fun and also she gave me feedback (reality checks sometimes) which was helpful. . Glad uncle is enjoying your stories. I think the weirdos tend to come out first looking for someone fresh. I was reading about relationships this morning - stuff written by a young man called Christian Carter - you may want to google him. Some of his titles are a bit "up front" but he makes some good points, and one of them is to decide the main qualities you want in a man, and, what you don't want. Some things deserve a big black X and then strike that person off the list of possibilities. He talks about how a guy thinks compared to how a gal does. I also liked Steve Harvey's book too - "Act Like A Lady Think Like A Man: What Men Really Think About Love, Relationships, Intimacy, and Commitment". (He has been married 3 times, but I still got something out of his book). You have to do a lot of screening, and in the process you can gain skills in communicating with guys, understanding yourself, and improving your self esteem. I had messaged with guys of all ages who I had no intention of ever seeing, but I found something interesting about them. That may not work for everyone.
One warning - there are networks of guys who prey on women to get money, and they do this by trying to engage you emotionally. Check it out on the internet -google "dangers of online dating" or something like that. They want you to webcam, but never are able to webcam themselves. That is a huge red flag as is anyone who tries to rush you into anything. Some are very skilled at getting women's emotions aroused. After a while I came to recognize them. They can become quite nasty once you show that you know who they are.

If you want any reality checks, I am here! I think i saw it all! ;) It took many months before I found Gary, and he had been on over a year with no success. Good luck!

((((((jessie))))) I do agree with checking out your legal responsibilities. Once you know where you stand in that regard, you can deal better with the emotions that are aroused by seeing your father f ...Read More

((((((jessie))))) I do agree with checking out your legal responsibilities. Once you know where you stand in that regard, you can deal better with the emotions that are aroused by seeing your father failing through self neglect.
Personally, at this point in time, if I were in my right or usual mind, which in your father's case includes autism. I would want my wishes to be respected. His quality of life is not good. There are times when one ailment or another (and none of them life threatening) descends upon me that I grow in sympathy for those who want to shed their earthly coil. However, you do have to protect yourelf regarding the law, and what you are obliged to do for your parents.
"Death is a friend of ours; and he that is not ready to entertain him is not at home." - Francis Bacon
I see various questions on this site about how to make a 90 year old more interested in eating and in activities, and I wonder for whose benefit this really is. Seeing a loved one die - quickly or slowly - is never easy. As for the right not to watch them, I am not so sure. When rights are mentioned, I tend to look at what responsibilites are attached. I think your solution of eat here, or you will have to go to a nursing home is responsible. In NHs there are people who are professionals in the care of failing seniors, and will know what the appropriate actions/treatments are. I watched my youngest son, age 23, die after being assaulted. We did what we felt was responsible which was to agree with the doctors that the plug be pulled. Rights seem to fly out the window ar these times. A friend if mine in his late 50s was in his last days of cancer and in a hospital. One morning he said to the doctors he couldn't do this any more. It wasn't that he was in such pain, as that he was just exhausted and miserable. I was staying with his wife at the time to give support, We went to the hospital, and watched while they put him on a morphine drip. Before that, they asked him if he knew what the implications were. He said yes, and indicated for them to proceed. As the morphine took effect, his body relaxed and for a while he looked his old self, with good colour in his cheeks. The end came easily. I had another friend die of cancer in her 40s, and they gave her nothing, and she suffered horribly before dying
No doubt, there are grey areas Are seniors, who are in poor health and miserable, choosing a form of suicide by refusing to eat? Or is their mind and body simply winding down from the accumulated stress of living and illness? Was giving a terminal cancer patient a lethal dose of morphine, ethical?
Jessie, my heart goes out to you, the responsibilities you have with your dad and your mum, and the emotions you are facing. Even when the relationship has not been close , a parent is still a parent.
Let us know what you work out.
jo

Morning all – going to try to catch up here. My good arm gets into trouble sometimes from overuse, so I have to give it a rest.
frannie - I hope you are making progress in improving your situation
 ...Read More

Morning all – going to try to catch up here. My good arm gets into trouble sometimes from overuse, so I have to give it a rest.
frannie - I hope you are making progress in improving your situation
thanks austin – I bought a sports type compression sleeve and it is helping along with heat and rest and the odd anti-inflammatory – glad you can get out to activities. It is so cold here in the winter and I just retired last year, I often have the luxury of staying in when it is cold. I am so glad you learned to stand up for yourself with your husband. Unfortunately, when we have grown up in a dysfunctional family, we often learn to put up with whatever bad behaviour comes our way, and keep our mouths shut, and think we have to live that way. I am still learning to speak up though my sig other is the easiest person to talk to.
Izabella, I am so glad you got as mum-free day. You know you don’t have to listen to your mum go on like that without telling her how you feel. A few times I told my mother I didn’t want to hear about “It” (whatever it is in your life) any more - that she had told me many times and that it wasn’t doing our relationship any good. In your case, you could well tell your mum that you have a more serious health condition than your sister –and where would she be without you and all you do for her, and you have heard it before many times. When you suppress those screams about what you do every day for her, you are putting stress on yourself. There is nothing wrong with telling her – calmly is best – how you feel. I think she needs to hear it. She can’t read your mind. Now to warn you a narcissist may dissolve into tears, which is simply a move to manipulate you to feeling sorry for her and fussing over her. Don’t do it. Talk to her calmly - every time you give her attention for tears etc. it reinforces her to do it again. If you walk away and do something else until she calms down, eventually she may learn that the guilt tripping isn’t working. There is no doubt that the stress is hard on your health and only you can make changes. Emotional detachment, as Jessie suggested, is an option. It means learning about narcissism, and how to deal with it, and getting to the state when their emotions and words etc. don’t drag you down. I can now laugh at things that would have upset me before. Can you tell me why you think it is impossible to get out emotionally and why your parent would not survive without you? You might be surprised. . Is assisted living or a nursing home or a group home not an option? And you driving your sister around too??? Just because mum expects it you do not have to do it! My mother expects lots of things from me I have to say no to. Your sister is responsible for her own transportation – you aren’t. Saying “No” is setting a boundary for your own protection. You are right - making peace for others and getting stressed yourself in not a good answer. Your happiness does matter, Izabella
Jessie - my sister is the golden girl who can do no wrong, and who mother "feels" she owes money, though she doesn’t help. I asked her about the money once and she said "Your sister sends me sweaters." This is true - about once a year or less. I pointed out that I was driving over 500 miles round trip to visit her, every few months (can't do that any more), drove her around the city, stayed in a hotel, bought food and meals and other things when I was there and that this all cost me a lot more money than a few sweaters. Made me feel better. This seems to be a pattern in dysfun fams. Good crack about the heat! ;) They say anything that doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. At one point I really felt the stress was going to kill me if I didn’t change things – so I changed myself.
Going to post this and continue later.
Have a good day!
jo

Thanks for the hug, frannie - I guess what I just posted on that thread might have been better here. I had a lot of experiences and many of them not what I wanted. However, then you do recognize a go ...Read More

Thanks for the hug, frannie - I guess what I just posted on that thread might have been better here. I had a lot of experiences and many of them not what I wanted. However, then you do recognize a good man when he comes, and I do believe there are good men to be found. Let us know how you are doing with uncle. He must be very difficult to live with.

I understand, franny. (((((hugs)))) I took a long time to start doing this, and much thought and working through my issues from the past and present. Desperate won't get you where you want to be. I co ...Read More

I understand, franny. (((((hugs)))) I took a long time to start doing this, and much thought and working through my issues from the past and present. Desperate won't get you where you want to be. I commend you for realising, and admitting it. It is likely to get you someone ese who in a similar frame of mind, Work on your own issues, or you will be a target for unprincipled people who are users. I met G when I was over 70 so you have lots of time in that sense. There are no age limits on romance and love. One thing I found out was to never do anything I was not comfortable doing. Trust your instincts, and don't ever be afraid to say "no". You will never lose a worthwhile friend that way, A good person will respect your boundaries. Sounds like you are getting lessons in boundaries between your uncle and these guys. If you want a healthy relationship, and who doesn't, start setting boundaries with uncle now. It takes a bit of practice, to learn what boundaries are good for you and how to enforce them. You don't want a mate who is like him. And remember, frannie, "You are the catch!" When I first started online dating, someon asked me what I was going to do with all these guys when I caught them. My answer was "I catch no one - I AM the catch". And so are you!

Regarding being alone. Personally, I like being alone, Loneliness however is not great. I have been lonelier in a bad relationship, than I ever was when actually alone. Something to thiink about. Develop friends of both sexes - then you will not be alone. A mate cannot fill all the gaps.

Another great site is to google is "daughtersofnarcissisticmothers". My mother has Borderline Personality Disorder and is narcissistic and gets angry very easily. She is also demanding of my attention ...Read More

Another great site is to google is "daughtersofnarcissisticmothers". My mother has Borderline Personality Disorder and is narcissistic and gets angry very easily. She is also demanding of my attention.. Countrygirl mentioned that a narcissistic person will take all they can from you then toss you aside if you are no longer useful. That is true. As far as treatment is concerned, those with personality disorders are particularly difficult to treat. The individuals siffering from them usually do not think there is anything wrong with them, and are resistant to medication and other therapies. . As people age, some tend to become narcissistic and overly dependent on one person, who they also do not treat very well. It is important, as well as evaluations, to set boundaries for yourself, and possibly consider other alternatives for care for the individual. This kind of stress affects the health of the caregiver.

franny - I met my boyfriend on Plenty of Fish - yes there are many strange people on there, and on other sites that I paid for. I responded to, or even made first contact with anyone whose profile I l ...Read More

franny - I met my boyfriend on Plenty of Fish - yes there are many strange people on there, and on other sites that I paid for. I responded to, or even made first contact with anyone whose profile I liked. Another tip is to make your profile really speak about you. I worked hard to develop a good one that reflected me - interests, my likes, my strengths. I think online, as in person, the first impression is important.
marissa -screening and weeding out is essential. If someone is interested in you, I think they will be sensitive to your situation, but I understand your concerns. By standing beside your mum they will know you are a family person. My boyfriend is one of 5 boys and is the caretaker (at a distance too) to his parents, so he understands the responsibilities involved and it very supportive.

Good luck and prayers to both of you. I am blessed to have met someone.

franny - I agree with jessie - it will wear on you, and I believe you need to protect yourself from it
sorry about your dysfunctional family background. I am always amazed how we survive our ch ...Read More

franny - I agree with jessie - it will wear on you, and I believe you need to protect yourself from it
sorry about your dysfunctional family background. I am always amazed how we survive our childhoods. I have found I need to keep boundaries regarding the abusive people - and also detach/distance myself or it is too stressful

(((((hugs)))))) and good luck

izabella - that is Do not So something - time for bed I think

morning all - have to take the car in for service this morning -sore arm and shoulder yesterday so have to be careful on the computer
hoping to catch up this afternoon
 ...Read More

morning all - have to take the car in for service this morning -sore arm and shoulder yesterday so have to be careful on the computer
hoping to catch up this afternoon

Izabella -all is not lost - you can get some time for you and you need to - just ask some of those of us who are suffering from not doing that and look at your own health needs - no good to be consumed with your mum - care for her yes, but not be swallowed alive - you do matter and you can have some times of peace - think we can do better than a crawl spoace with spider webs

jessie - a ruby red car!!! woo hoo - I'll tell you about my fantasy car later - love your vision of open spaces - do you live in the west?

austin -gettng away from it for a bit is great - just to figure out how Izabella can do it

cmag - hope things are good with you

notlike - how are things with mum - still quiet? waiting for the other shoe to drop?

burned - hang in there - you have such a load

hugs to all ttyl
jo

just lost one long post to you izabella cause the cat deleted it - yes really and then did another one to you jessie and pressed submit and it disappeared.
 ...Read More

just lost one long post to you izabella cause the cat deleted it - yes really and then did another one to you jessie and pressed submit and it disappeared.
I am going to type them out in a word doc!

I agree jessie - Izabella you got hoovered in again. there are ways around it. Better stop here before I lose this one too,.

Hi Jon - thanks for sharing with me about your "immunization". You are blessed, indeed. I understand about left and right brain. You are fortunate to have one another. God works in mysterious way... I ...Read More

Hi Jon - thanks for sharing with me about your "immunization". You are blessed, indeed. I understand about left and right brain. You are fortunate to have one another. God works in mysterious way... I was born with only one hand, and in many ways it has been a blessing to me, Certainly it is not a handicap. I appreciate that you share and give insights to others on your website. All power to both of you. Joan

for Izabella, ladee, cmag and all of us here dealing with dysfunctinal family issues

it touched me...

She let go

She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.
 ...Read More

for Izabella, ladee, cmag and all of us here dealing with dysfunctinal family issues

it touched me...

She let go

She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.

She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.

She didn’t ask anyone for advice. She didn’t read a book on how to let go. She didn’t search the scriptures. She just let go. She let go of all of the memories that held her back. She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.

She didn’t promise to let go. She didn’t journal about it. She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go.

She didn’t analyze whether she should let go. She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn’t call the prayer line. She didn’t utter one word. She just let go.

No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.

There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad. It was what it was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.

Ernest Holmes

Hi lyn - so glad to hear from you. I figured that stuff was happening. You have been on my heart. So sorry that you all are going through this stress. Good for you for trying to make lemonade out of l ...Read More

Hi lyn - so glad to hear from you. I figured that stuff was happening. You have been on my heart. So sorry that you all are going through this stress. Good for you for trying to make lemonade out of lemons. I am all for proactivity! Obviously you are a fighter in the best sense of the word. I think in many ways the western world is in the dark ages as regards care for seniors, and expecially those with diseases such as Alz.

You will find me on this thread these days "The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families:How are you doing?" http://www.agingcare.com/Discussions/The-Caregiver-Dysfunctional-Families-149068.htm

Many hugs and keep in touch
Love ya
Joan

Thanks, Marj. Your mother is narcissistic? It explains a lot doesn't it? Knowledge can truely be power.

So many have read the Screwtape Letters. Now I am going to have to reread it. - one ...Read More

Thanks, Marj. Your mother is narcissistic? It explains a lot doesn't it? Knowledge can truely be power.

So many have read the Screwtape Letters. Now I am going to have to reread it. - one of my fav books in my early 20s. Where did you find it to download? Don't post an exact URL as it will be deleted.

I love the writings of C.S.Lewis.
Quote "You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body."
"Failures are finger posts on the road to achievement."

I found some quotes on detachment - Detach yourselves and take on wings (St. Frances Xavier Cabrini)
He who would be serene and pure needs but one thing, detachment. (Meister Eckhart )

and one very relevant to our topic here

The monsters of our childhood do not fade away, neither are they ever wholly monstrous. But neither, in my experience, do we ever reach a plane of detachment regarding our parents, however wise and old we may become. To pretend otherwise is to cheat. (John le Carre)

I find that detachment like forgiveness, is an ongoing process, not a destination.

Codependency is at the other end of that stick - where the relationship with another (toxic) person becomes more important than getting one's own needs met. ( a simple definition, I know, but one many of us wrestle with, especially in the world of caregiving.)

TDennard -such a very heavy load. There is a young woman with a husband and a 5t yr old on another thread who wrestles with caring for her dad which she shares with her sister. here is no doubt that it cuts into family time seriously, as does the worry of it all.

Izabella - Yes you do matter! Life is not fair. My mum is always concerned about my sis's health, and makes excuses for her, but does not acknowledge that I have health issues, and still expects me to do things for her that I can't. Please do look after yourself as well as possible. You deserve as much care as you give others. God says to love your neighbour as yourself. (not more than) - your neighbour in this case being your mum. What will happen if you stop doing some of the running around - like checking mum's house daily. If it is not necessary, you CAN say NO to her. It is wearing you out trying to meet her every wish. Please consider what you think is responsible - both to her and to yourself. My mother would have me occupied many hours a day - even though she is in another city (her choice) in an ALF - she tries to enmesh me in her every thought, concern, fear etc. One day I was on email with her from 7:30 in the morning to 3 in the afternoon over endless requests, concerns, demands. Once I retired last year, it all escalated and she felt all my time and energy was hers. I was in tears, and my stress levels was way too high from these daily email sessions -up to and over 20 sometimes. I started having PTSD flashbacks to childhood and I knew I had to change something. So I went for counselling and started emotionally detaching, and separating her "narcissistic" crises from the real ones. In fact she hasn't had any "real" crises. I have refused to respond to the narcissistic ones, and they have slowed down. Whether it is narcissim or dementia of some sort, that person should not be the one who is in charge of your time and energy - you should be - making your own assessments of what needs to be done and decisions. Can you cut out the tasks that are unnecessary? Mum may get a bit upset, but I think if you set boundaries and are firm with them, she will likely adapt. You need boundaries for your own health and also the big responsibility of your family and your son's health. Let tomorrow be a new day - and an easier one for you.

Everyone - so good hearing from you - there is no doubt that sharing this journey makes it more bearable.
love. hugs and prayers ♥♥♥
jo

I think that was a wise decision.

(((((((burned))))))) -glad you have a therapist to help you through this. Cats are great companions. Dreams are good - hang onto yours..I am sorry you are at the end of your tether. You have a huge lo ...Read More

(((((((burned))))))) -glad you have a therapist to help you through this. Cats are great companions. Dreams are good - hang onto yours..I am sorry you are at the end of your tether. You have a huge load to carry, with young children and a very ill husband, and no support from family. Sending love and cyber support - some days we just have to hang in there ((((((((hugs)))))))
jo

Hi Rebecca -sorry you have been diagnosed with COPD. Sometimes (often, I think,) it takes our own health issues to force us to draw boundaries, and stop taking misery from our mums. I think your plan ...Read More

Hi Rebecca -sorry you have been diagnosed with COPD. Sometimes (often, I think,) it takes our own health issues to force us to draw boundaries, and stop taking misery from our mums. I think your plan to detach and keep an eye out from a distance is a good one. I wish you all the best in looking after you. I know with my own mother a truly loving relationship is not possible. So be it. I have to go from there. ((((((hugs)))))

some one else's house is not in order???? Oh my! cmag. Getting some one is, or your older son to help could make some headway. Fair enough to pay your son. I am thinking of getting someone in to do some cleaning.
 ...Read More

some one else's house is not in order???? Oh my! cmag. Getting some one is, or your older son to help could make some headway. Fair enough to pay your son. I am thinking of getting someone in to do some cleaning.

notlike - I do like the phrase hoovering in - it works. Glad you are seeing the big picture. It is an ongoing game. I have experienced exactly the same thing. Sometimes mother is "nice" for a while, but it is all part of manipulation. The nasty comes back soon enough.

Mother - re her birthday in May is still sending emails out with the same requests to many, and also some misunderstandings etc.Fortunately my nephew, in her city, is a sensible man and in touch with what is going on and helping me sort out the confusion. I know from past experience this will just escalate until the event happens - another 4 months is lots of time for her to do her thing,.and create maximum chaos and excitement.

Talking about drugs I am trying to get off one - well only vitamin B3 for slighly high blood fats- by changing my eating habits so I eat very low carb and calories a couple of days a week and moderately the rest of the time. This regime - if followed properly - lowers weight, blood sugar, blood fats, blood pressure and a number of other things that benefit health. Wish me luck. It is supposed to lower leptin levels (the hunger hormone) too, and seems to be working so far, but it is early.

Hope everyone had a decent day. cmag you and your wife are still in my prayers. I gather you may get news of the biopsy soon.

love and hugs
jo

Hi

Thanks for the hug. After reading your profile, it sounds like your mum has some narcissism. Commonly they choose a favourite chlld who can do no wrong, and them another(s) who are the s ...Read More

Hi

Thanks for the hug. After reading your profile, it sounds like your mum has some narcissism. Commonly they choose a favourite chlld who can do no wrong, and them another(s) who are the servants and don't get treated well. Detaching is the best way I know to get through this kind of thing and sounds like you are doing that by considering yourself the "hired help". Please do look after your own health - emotional and physical. The stress of caregiving is great and definitely can affect the health if the caregiver. My mother never has much treated ne as a daughter except, in the "control" sense, and now I am just somneone to complain to and do things for her. So be it. I find it better to accept how it is and not have higher expectations. Let me know how it is going and if seeing yourself as "hired help" is working for you. ((((((((hugs))))) Joan

Makes me suspicious that your mum doesn't want to take the doctor's suggestions and to me looks like she wants/needs attention. Mother has gone from one emergency room to another in the same day and b ...Read More

Makes me suspicious that your mum doesn't want to take the doctor's suggestions and to me looks like she wants/needs attention. Mother has gone from one emergency room to another in the same day and been pronouced A! in both. I think some of it is age, and some personality. I haven't been successfuly in deflecting mother from any of her concerns. I am 74 and there definitely are more "aches and pains" than there used to be. One has to deal with them. I retired last year, and now wonder how I kept going, but also know the distraction was good for me. Now I have to work harder to get my mind on other things. It is a good solution if you can work it.

naheaton - right on about helping others - we benefit by it. and chalking up stuff to whatever and moving on.. You don't have to be a pain just because you have a pain.

notlike - mother is like that daily too. She sat in her beautiful apartment, healthy, well nourished, and well dressed, and told me it was disgraceful; how this province treated their seniors!. I jus ...Read More

notlike - mother is like that daily too. She sat in her beautiful apartment, healthy, well nourished, and well dressed, and told me it was disgraceful; how this province treated their seniors!. I just looked at her and didn't say a word, but my thought was. "No one who sees you and your situation would buy that, mother!" She sits and thinks about anything, and everything that isn't exactly how she wants it and then gets upset by it.

Actually, I seem to be much better today, thanks. I went out in the cold, cold, Artic chill and got groceries and have been cooking since. Ready for bed now. You got that right - my song will be "So Long, it's been good to know ya!" I don't know why everything has to be a drama but it does. Maybe to draw attention to themselves as their need to be the center of the universe is huge.

Jessie and Brandy - how are you doiing?

Jon - would really like to hear how you gained immunity

cmag - prayers for you both ongoing

I read some jokes about narcissists the other day. - here are a few. We can always use a laugh.

What's a narcissist's idea of being a "slave"?
Answer: Not being able to boss everyone else about

What is a narcissist's idea of equality?
Answer: Being equally bossy to everyone else

What is a narcissist's idea of being abused? (my mother for sure)
Occasionally having to go along with someone else's preferences

Have a good night.

Hi Ishmael - good to see you posting again. You have those points right. And let me say I am sorry about your mum. - and condolences for losing grandma. I have no doubt that the health of caregivers a ...Read More

Hi Ishmael - good to see you posting again. You have those points right. And let me say I am sorry about your mum. - and condolences for losing grandma. I have no doubt that the health of caregivers are negatively affected by the " insanely demanding, threatening, and mean-spirited" people they look after.

icc - Ishmael has good points
My mother is narcissistic and has Borderline Personality Disorder I(lots of anger). One counsellor said to me - it won't go on much longer. Well, mother is aiming at 100 right now (May) and possibly healthier than I am. The doctors say her organs are A1. I am 74 and every year she lives shortens the time I have left, in terms of being free of caregiving. Fortunately she is in another city (her choice) and in an ALF and manages pretty well still with some local help. I think quite a few older people become harcissistic as they age, even if they were not before. Mine has always been. As I understand the "rules" your mum might qualify for medicaid, I think it is. (I am in Canada) Would you consider placing her? It is one way you could reclaim your life. Even then there is a fair amount of work, but the daily grind you describe would not be there.
Has your mum been diagnosed with dementia. The reluctance to have a bath and the picking sounds like she may have something like that. Perhaps she should have an evaluation. Sounds like there was some dysfunction there all along.

I totally understand that you need Saturdays to yourself. Sounds like your mum is pushing your "guilt" buttons. Please know that you are already doing a lot for your mum, and have no reason to feel guilty. You are not doing anything wrong. Mine does the same and I am learning to detach myself emotionally, and do what is good for me, while also doing what is necessary in terms of her care, but not "cave" to her every whim. Your needs count every bit as much as your mum's do. It sounds to me like you are under a lot of stress due to care giving. Be sure to build in enough time for you, despite your mum's guilt tripping you. You are not responsible for her happiness - or unhappiness. As some say, "She can put you on a "guilt trip" but you don't have to buy a ticket to ride. It is emotional blackmail - manipulation.

My motto has become "If it isn't good enough today, make changes". I have lived too long waiting for a better day.

Good luck to you and ((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
Jo

You will find good company on the The Caregiver and Dysfuncional Families thread.