Answered a question 9/6/2011 at 11:39 am
I was told by others that I would know when it "was time." My family knew it was time about a year before I did. It is a very hard decision for some adult children to put their parent in an ASL or N
...Read MoreI was told by others that I would know when it "was time." My family knew it was time about a year before I did. It is a very hard decision for some adult children to put their parent in an ASL or NH...it was for me. I'm so thankful now that I did.
We moved in with my mother and step-dad 4 years ago in order to care for them and keep them out of the NH. Well, it didn't happen. My step-dad went down very fast after we moved here with his alzheimer's disease and ended up in the nursing home and passed away a year after we moved here.
Mother, aged 84 now, was difficult to live with because she is so negative and talked terribly to me all the time. She didn't like me caring for her at all. She has dementia, insulin dependent diabetes, seizures, poor eyesight, loss of hearing, dizziness, and not very stable walking. As the years passed, she got worse in her abusive language to me and then toward my husband. She told people things that were totally untrue and I was always having to defend myself and my husband.
My only sibling, a brother, didn't come and help voluntarily. I asked him several times and he came every time. He still has to work long hours a day. I didn't call on him often because of that. Both of my daughters were mad at him for not helping me more and now there are problems with all of them. It's been terrible to see my family come apart because of us living with my mother.
Mother started about a year ago or so with bathroom problems. She started not wanting to take her insulin or check her blood sugar. I had to call my brother out a couple of times to give her her shot. She started eating less and didn't like what I cooked. Her hygiene became awful and didn't want to shower or put on clean clothes, except for underwear. We had the home health nurse come out for showering, but many times refused. She couldn't walk without her walker and ended up falling often pulling her walker on top of her. She would slide out of bed onto the floor in the mornings. Seizure days were awful. She started waking up during the night. She became more paranoid etc.
Finally, she started leaving the house. She thought many times that she wasn't at her house and wanted us to take her home. She'd try to run off.
Finally, the week before she went to the hospital and on to the NH, she became violent with me...throwing things at me, cussing me and my husband and daughter who was visiting. She tried to push her walker into me several times and I had just had a hysterectomy. Caregivers get sick from the constant stress of caregiving. And, we put locks up high on the inside of doors so she wouldn't flee. She told people when they called her to call the police or sheriff on us.
Well, the day "I knew" was after that week of "hell." Mother wouldn't get out of bed to come eat breakfast and take her insulin. My daughter helped me get her blood sugar and it was 42. I told mother I would call the ambulance if she didn't get up and she wouldn't. So, that did it. The first call was to 911 and the second call was to my brother telling him she was going to the hospital, stay the 3 days for going into a NH and then on to the NH. My brother built this particular NH and went to school with the owners, so he called them and they "had" a room for mother. So, she stayed 5 days in the hospital, gave the nurses fits fighting with them. And, she is now in the NH...been there two months now.
I have not changed my mind about she needs to be there getting good care. But, I still have sadness she has to be there. I feel guilty at times thinking I should be caring for her myself, etc. It isn't easy at all. I've gone from going to the NH two times a day at first, then one time a day, and now I just started going every other day at lunch and visit for about an hour...there about an hour and a half. It's hard to leave her with her saying she wants to go with me or she wants me to stay with her...and she says that every time I'm there.
Mother is always clean, looks pretty, hair fixed, creamed face and lotioned arms and legs. She fights with the nurses when they help her dress or her showers. She refuses to take her medicine, but they give it to her one way or another. They are good to help her practice walking, but keep her in a "jerry chair" otherwise to keep her from falling. My brother goes after work for awhile. The NH isn't perfect, but I see good things happening there. They do help mother to the bedside commode, but she does wear nice looking Depends.
Just ask around about what NH have they heard is "the best" one in town. Ask the doctors and nurses at the hospital. Our doctor was pleased she was going to the NH she is in. Mother's NH that my brother built has a good reputation as being "the best in town." One nurse in ER said they have less calls from this NH than any in town. So ask around.
We are still working on getting Medicaid started with an elder lawyer in town. Mother was blessed to have cash on hand for severa; month's for the NH, but we'll need her on Medicaid one day. Her NH is $100.00 a day.
God bless you with your decision. You can't do this alone. Caregivers end up having the health problems. My health went south and I ended up having surgery. The stress in unbearable. I went to bed wondering how I was going to make it the next day when mother lived here. And, it finally got to where I couldn't do it anymore. Let us hear what you do. God be with you in your decision.