Member Profile

I am not a member but just did a search in google on how to deal with an abusive parent. My mother lives with us and as I read your post I related on so many ways!! If you would like a friend, a pen ...Read More

I am not a member but just did a search in google on how to deal with an abusive parent. My mother lives with us and as I read your post I related on so many ways!! If you would like a friend, a pen pal, a sounding board, someone to talk to, I would love the same. My brothers dont get it at all!! My name is Renee and I live in California.

Thank you so much for your comments! My situation is much like yours, and the guilt has been almost overwhelming. I too have decided to take better care of myself and my own needs and those of my fa ...Read More

Thank you so much for your comments! My situation is much like yours, and the guilt has been almost overwhelming. I too have decided to take better care of myself and my own needs and those of my family and grandchildren. Life is too short to not enjoy it. I have to keep reminding myself that if Mom is not happy, that's her choice. It's still a tough situation. Thanks again for making me feel better.

Hang in there

Stick to your guns dedestock...being related to people does NOT give them the permission, right or authority to torture you for life! Take Care of Yourself and your family, do what you can for her an ...Read More

Stick to your guns dedestock...being related to people does NOT give them the permission, right or authority to torture you for life! Take Care of Yourself and your family, do what you can for her and no more! If she needs help there are others who can give it to her and won't have the background of family to go with it...

Happy National Family Caregivers Month!

National Family Caregivers month is about honoring yourself as one of the 65 million family caregivers in this country who take care of their loved o ...Read More

Happy National Family Caregivers Month!

National Family Caregivers month is about honoring yourself as one of the 65 million family caregivers in this country who take care of their loved ones day in and day out.

We want to remind you to use National Family Caregivers Month as a time to celebrate yourself and your good heart!

We are happy to have you as part of our growing family of caregivers on AgingCare.com. Our team looks forward to continuing to support you as you care for your loved one.

Email us at editor@agingcare.com -- include your address and we will mail you a 2011 AgingCare.com calendar magnet!

The AgingCare.com Team

My mother is angry & bitter too. I live with her but stay as far away as I can from her so that I'm not constantly belittled and complained to. She has nothing nice to say but plenty of negative. ...Read More

My mother is angry & bitter too. I live with her but stay as far away as I can from her so that I'm not constantly belittled and complained to. She has nothing nice to say but plenty of negative. I've gone through major depression w/o any compassion at all from her. All she would say about it was that I looked like hell, and why couldn't I take her places. I could go on but I won't. Just know that I hear you and feel for you.
Take Care,
RebeccaLynn

i am so sorry to hear about ur husband , i sure hope he has a speedy recovery , escialy havin a new job ! god bless you .
as for ur mother , either she goes or she could just go to nh , dear i ...Read More

i am so sorry to hear about ur husband , i sure hope he has a speedy recovery , escialy havin a new job ! god bless you .
as for ur mother , either she goes or she could just go to nh , dear i would understand fully if u dont take her to new state , i honestly dont see how u could put up with her , u have a bigger heart than i do , god bless you and i wish you the very best , xoxoxo

Geez. Sympathies to you and your husband. Just a question: can you hire someone to help this woman with her meds and grocery shopping?

You are so on target...I wouldn't expect anyone except an "only" to really understand how the dynamics of our families work. We have nobody to validate the problems we have with aging parents. My ...Read More

You are so on target...I wouldn't expect anyone except an "only" to really understand how the dynamics of our families work. We have nobody to validate the problems we have with aging parents. My aging parents still gang up on me to deny the problems. They argue that they are just fine and don't need help. My dad has cancer and congestive heart failure. He barely gets around with a cane. 3 weeks ago my mom fell and broke her foot taking garbage out at 8 pm at nite. SHe had to crawl up the concrete driveway, but she was safe ecause my dad was "watching her. " (I can't put it out for them because they don't want "the neighborhood kids to pick thru it" or "dogs to turn it over". I would happily do it before or after work. No...they have bizarre rituals of sorting and tying items for certain cans.) So, they hobble and limp around the house. They refused the meals I took over and refuse a cordless phone because they think "someone might listen in". I am so frustrated. They are paranoid and stubborn and usually not nice. They say the same phrases over and over. "We're doing the best we can..." "I'm sorry, we're doing the best we can" Leave us alone, we're doing the best we can" I could scream and I'm so grateful you understand...

Dede, here's a hug for you! You are doing a great job, hang in there and God Bless!

I'm glad my life's journey is helpful to you and other's in the same boat. I've shared more transparently here that I ever thought I would. Some parts of my journey I'm only now dealing with as I have ...Read More

I'm glad my life's journey is helpful to you and other's in the same boat. I've shared more transparently here that I ever thought I would. Some parts of my journey I'm only now dealing with as I have not wanted to face them in the past but escapced them by being overly athlertic and hyperly spiritual. I knew my classmates in elementary school, high school and college saw me as a mama's boy but it took years before I fully realized the impact of being spousified as a boy and not having much of nothing of a relationship either with my real dad or the drunk of an escuse of a step-dad.

I'm lost for words tonight. So I send you a hug.

Hi Dedestock, I agree that reading here about others "in the same boat" is so helpful to us all. Hang in there! You're doing a great job.... Loving combined with FOG busting is the best way, I bel ...Read More

Hi Dedestock, I agree that reading here about others "in the same boat" is so helpful to us all. Hang in there! You're doing a great job.... Loving combined with FOG busting is the best way, I believe.

Oh my God-your posts are me life. Especially the part about the gifts at Christmas. Its that never being able to satisfy these people's ideas of appropriateness. And OMG-the fact that nothing is EVER ...Read More

Oh my God-your posts are me life. Especially the part about the gifts at Christmas. Its that never being able to satisfy these people's ideas of appropriateness. And OMG-the fact that nothing is EVER EVER their fault, and the pontificating about how others "do it all wrong".........Please keep writing.

I understand what you are saying about your dad. Unfortunately, what he lacked in not having a dad or I guess not a father substitute to have that kind of healthy bond with is what leads men in that d ...Read More

I understand what you are saying about your dad. Unfortunately, what he lacked in not having a dad or I guess not a father substitute to have that kind of healthy bond with is what leads men in that direction. That is not helped one bit by having a childless chiildhood where you also become like the additional parent raising the rest of the family.

I agree that your mother's meanness crushed the life out of your dad like my MIL did to my FIL. She only misses him for what he ought to be doing for her right now.

I know what you mean about not wanting someone to be the first to die. My SIL is a ovarian cancer survivor since 2001, but unfortunately she lives in the same town as my MIL. I've helped her see some light about her and her mother's dynamics which has helped both her and her marriage. She could hardly believe that someone had written about her childhood in the books Understanding the Borderline Mother and in Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem.

Ever since my wife put her own boundaries in place with her mom back in 2005 instead of hiding behind my pants, things have come to a place where we can visit for a short, planned time with us or them staying in a hotel, but MIL no longer goes with us on vacations and we do have some holidays on our own so our children will have those memories. My own childhood was shifted back and forth according to the court visitation rules as to who got me for the week of Christmas

Having taught my SIL in some of this mental health stuff about people with BPD, we make a very good team in dealing with these short and planned 'family visits' Thankfully old age, has taken quite a bite out of my MIL roar and she knows she'll never see her grand children again if she does anything like she did 5 years ago. If she dies before my MIL does then I'm going to feel very uncomfortable in that situation which my boys like to have as lttile as possible to deal with.

Dede
As I said, my dad died in 2001. For 4 years Mom seemed fairly ok; lived alone; still drove to church, grocery store, etc. Then in 2005 she started getting paranoid; thought someone was wat ...Read More

Dede
As I said, my dad died in 2001. For 4 years Mom seemed fairly ok; lived alone; still drove to church, grocery store, etc. Then in 2005 she started getting paranoid; thought someone was watching her house and she was thinking someone was saying things outside her house. Took her to the hearing doctor who said she had lost 50% hearing in both ears. We got hearing aids. She wore them about one month and has refused ever since. The doc tells her the eardrum is processing sound in her ear differently due to the hearing loss and her hearing aids would help. No luck. She still won't wear them. Her paranoia kept getting so bad that we moved her into a senior apartment; She didn't like it. We moved her again to a Senior Retirement Home; After 2 months she hated it; thought her neighbors were out to get her; We moved her again, into a condo we owned but had moved out of. She liked it at first but after about 4 months, she'd call me and tell me all kind of things that were 'going on out here'. I called a friend who is the property manager and found out nothing was happening, which I actually knew. After a year of living there Mom lost from 125 pounds to 107 and was not taking her meds correctly. I had been taking care of her until then. Would go almost everyday to see her; take her to doctor, grocery store; pharmacy; take her fast food or food I had cooked. She stopped cooking and only used the microwave. I'd check her fridge to find expired foods and have to throw them out. So my sister ( who has no kids, has a big house and 3 bathrooms) agreed to move Mom in with her. She is married but hubby works full time and my sister works 4 days a week. Mom could stay alone during the day but someone was home at night. After a couple of months, she started the paranoia again, audio hallucinations (hearing things that weren't actually happening, like people talking to her through the walls); became more depressed and high anxiety level; was more and more fearful and was always thinking someone was coming to harm her or them. After a year of this it was affecting my sister and her marriage.
She would get mad at them, accuse them of all kinds of things, get defensive, and got to where she didn't want her hair washed or to take a bath. That got to be a battle. She'd forget to flush the commodes. She is a smoker ( another battle we had to give up on was getting her to quit). She knows she has to go out on the porch to smoke, but my sister caught her smoking in her bedroom. So since I see her now only once a week I was able to talk to her about being afraid and how much better it would be to live in an assisted living where someone was there for 24 hours a day, and she would not have to be alone any. She said she wanted to do that. But before it happened she waffled back and forth. Once said my sister's cats would miss her. But her doctor agreed she needed to go for everyone's well being. My sister was at the end of her rope and I was definitely on my sister's side. My mom even hit her once, and hit my brother-in-law once. She got to where she was calling him names. So, we looked into Family Care Homes ( have only 7 or 8 residents) or an Assisted Living Facility, where there are more people and she would have a roommate. So that was the avenue we took. It is never easy to get this move accomplished - BUT it is worth it. We can visit but then 'go home'. We didn't get drawn into the F.O.G thing with her because she has always been the type to want to 'have her way', and after a while you stop feeling guilty and just want your life back. My poor dad lived with that for years. You just have to decide that enough is enough. We went to Social Services and told them you want to speak to a Social Worker. You said: "Someone told me, Love those who are kind and pray for those who are not"... that's nice advise, but it doesn't solve the problem, does it?
NO - it doesn't solve the problem and usually the people who like to hand out these little phrases, have not dealt with the reality of situations such as ours. Write anytime and I hope you can decide what to do very soon. By the way, my children were grown when I went through all of this. I have a son who is now 39 and a daughter who is 34.
God bless you.

Not only do you badly need a hug, and your family need you, but your mother saying that she will kill you is a statement that she is a danger to others which is the basis for an involuntary commitment ...Read More

Not only do you badly need a hug, and your family need you, but your mother saying that she will kill you is a statement that she is a danger to others which is the basis for an involuntary commitment to a hospital ward for mental pantients where she can get evaluated. I've read of adult children having to do this for their aging parent.

I know exactly what you mean. My mom is horrible to my Dad. She has no patience and she treats him terrible. She treats everyone terrible. My 13 year old daughter hates her. She's embarrassed to g ...Read More

I know exactly what you mean. My mom is horrible to my Dad. She has no patience and she treats him terrible. She treats everyone terrible. My 13 year old daughter hates her. She's embarrassed to go any where with her in the car. We, too, try to take her out to eat on Sunday. My husband and my child does not like to be with her, so I offer to go with her on my own. I tell her that my husband and daughter want to eat something that I don't care to eat, so she won't figure it out. I stayed in bed all day Thursday and half of Friday because we had a fight. She came stomping in my room and told me, who do I think I am, that I can tell her what to do. She said she is the boss and I can't tell her what to do. I told her to get someone to take her to her thousands of dr. appts. and I asked her to leave again for the 100th time. Then the next day, she gets her purse, like nothing happened and asks me to take her somewhere. I think I am going nuts. My brothers say to punish her and not to take her anywhere, but how do continue the argument with someone you have to live with and see everyday. I am just sick over this. She has to go after the holidays.

Dede,

I have not visited this website in a long time, but when I read what you posted on my wall long time ago, I think we are most alike. Or, at least our mothers are. Since I have poste ...Read More

Dede,

I have not visited this website in a long time, but when I read what you posted on my wall long time ago, I think we are most alike. Or, at least our mothers are. Since I have posted last, I have asked my mother to leave and offered to still take care of my father. I have been so overwhelmed with depression that I have lost 10 lbs and can hardly muster up the energy to get out of bed. Of course, she won't leave, and refuses to believe she is the cause of my problems. If you read this, please write to me, I think we could be a good support system for one another.

Love,
Marylynne

Dear dedestock, I completely understand what you wrote about your mother on the "elders treat us ugly" thread. I think your and my mother exchanged notes. I ditto your feelings. Take care, swe ...Read More

Dear dedestock, I completely understand what you wrote about your mother on the "elders treat us ugly" thread. I think your and my mother exchanged notes. I ditto your feelings. Take care, sweetheart. Go out somewhere and have fun with your wonderful children. They need you, and you need them. Bless you. I know how hard the criticism is. I've lived with it for 51 years. I'll be praying for you.

im going throught he same here .my mom was in a car wreck
and she been in nursing rehab for 4 months. she wrecked her car, her ssi check going toward living expenses in the nursing home she lost ...Read More

im going throught he same here .my mom was in a car wreck
and she been in nursing rehab for 4 months. she wrecked her car, her ssi check going toward living expenses in the nursing home she lost her apt and she want me to get her out of there aftershe sign herself in she is belegerent mad at the world she told my brother to get rid of all her belongins because her being in there i tried to get her transfered where i can go see her everyday till she gets on her feet but she refuse. im only 2 hours 45 minutes away but i have to take care of my grandson while my daughter work and at school she's a senior im at a point i feel guilty even though she did this upon herself after the doctor advise her not to drive anymore due to her health reasons. she been there 4 months . she's beligerent selfish overbearing always been before she sign herself ni the nursing home

Hi

Just wanted to send you a hug because I feel you could use it. You are to be commended for putting up with so much. I as a caregiver for my 85 year old mother (who, by the way was alw ...Read More

Hi

Just wanted to send you a hug because I feel you could use it. You are to be commended for putting up with so much. I as a caregiver for my 85 year old mother (who, by the way was always controlling, manipulative, selfish, etc. etc. I could go on and on) am happy that she is now in long term care and have no guilty feelings whatsoever. She left everything to my daughter and I was ultimately the one who took "excellent" care of her when she became ill. So.. hang in there and find a way to get some respite whenever you can.

RAWR! Giving you a bear hug :) I totally understand. Even though we've never met, know that I completely get what you're saying!!!!! I live with mine, and sometimes I want to pinch her o2 to see i ...Read More

RAWR! Giving you a bear hug :) I totally understand. Even though we've never met, know that I completely get what you're saying!!!!! I live with mine, and sometimes I want to pinch her o2 to see if she notices. I know it's wrong and I know I won't do it, just something we "aren't supposed say". It feels good to say it out loud! HUGZ, Zelda

Dear dedestock, haven't seen any of your postings in a while. Just wondered how you are doing? Miss chatting with you, Anne

Oh my word, dede!! Your life is like mine. Your mother needing to know where you are all the time is exactly like mine. When I try to go somewhere she questions whether my trip is necessary. Is it ...Read More

Oh my word, dede!! Your life is like mine. Your mother needing to know where you are all the time is exactly like mine. When I try to go somewhere she questions whether my trip is necessary. Is it their generation that they are like this? It sure does hurt.