dahliaseason | Profile

On My Mind... 11/7/2010 at 10:06 pm

Hang in there, Bonnie. You won't regret a minute. Honestly. Rehab facilities are really tough places to deal with. My heart goes out to you while she is having to go through such an intense recove ...Read More

Hang in there, Bonnie. You won't regret a minute. Honestly. Rehab facilities are really tough places to deal with. My heart goes out to you while she is having to go through such an intense recovery. I remember telling my mom when she was really suffering after her major stroke, that I would just follow her lead. That if she felt she still needed to fight for herself then I was with her all the way and willing to do whatever it would take. And if she needed to not fight quite so hard anymore in life, I understood that too and was not going to leave her side. And you know what? She ended up getting better care in rehab because the nurses and cna's were compelled to also take that lead. Finding grace in all this is a daunting hunt, but grace is there. Even in the worst of it. And I know you and your mother have lots and lots of love to get you both through this. And with that, may I suggest you look for Pema Chodron's book, "The Places That Scare You. She offers some sensible empathy with how loss lays you low and hurts like hell. But loss is also a way to find things. The things that matter most. http://www.oneyearofwritingandhealing.com/one_year_writing_and_heal/writing-to-heal-grief.html I'm certain, I'm hoping people have already told you many times how lucky your mom is to have you. May I add how lucky you are to have each other. And really, you always will. Even as the physical presence dissipates until it disappears. You will find how much your mother has had, and will continue to have, an effect of the world around you. This whole experience you are going through is nothing less than profound. And yes it is an honor. I also have discovered the recently published journal writing of Roland Barthes from 1977 during the mourning of his mother who he had been taking care of for some time. He goes deep inside the hard hard intensity of grieving. Pick up a copy of this... when you're ready. It helps to feel the intensity that you're going through taken on by someone who can articulate the emotional gravity so beautifully. My heart goes out to you and am sending many many warm thoughts and prayers to you and your mother. And...thank you.

Gave a hug to roxie 9/13/2010 at 1:30 pm

thanks for writing.
it is a tremendous gift our mothers give to us when they allow us to reciprocate the care they gave.
of all the hardships of life, i never really fully understood the har ...Read More

Commented on a discussion 9/12/2010 at 7:59 pm

Early Grief and the Long Goodbye

my mother just past a month ago today. the incredible void i feel as her daughter is compounded by that as her "caregiver."
i take solace in that i was given a tremendous gift to help her in h ...Read More

Commented on a discussion 8/22/2010 at 6:38 pm

How do I get my sick elderly mother to eat when she refuses?

Mitzipinki --exactly! Nothing should be assumed. There are just so many reasons for refusing food.
The preparation for passing was not what my mother was going through two years ago, nor was it ...Read More

Commented on a discussion 6/4/2010 at 4:11 am

Antioxidant Supplements: Beware of Dangerous Drug Interactions

My mother takes Aricept for Alzheimer's. Does anyone know of vitamin interactions that she should avoid?
I now know that she should not take anti-histamines but was not told of this by the docto ...Read More

Commented on a discussion 6/4/2010 at 4:06 am

Think Twice About Giving Elders Nutritional Drinks or Shakes

If only one of the first ingredients in Ensure is simple sugar. It's not, it's corn syrup. Make a smoothie or a shake. Add protein powder.
Or at least Oddwalla. But not that other processed c ...Read More

Commented on a discussion 1/22/2010 at 10:15 pm

How do I get my sick elderly mother to eat when she refuses?

I would watch out with the Ensure. Seriously. It's loaded with corn syrup and is actually pretty crappy. If she has sugar issues, it's not helpful. I really believe that sugar has so much to do wi ...Read More

Gave a hug to loveiskind 12/18/2009 at 5:55 pm

Commented on a discussion 12/18/2009 at 5:55 pm

How do I get my sick elderly mother to eat when she refuses?

it may be one of the most heartbreaking things in life.

what medication is he on? this can have a heavy influence on the taste of foods and the will to eat.
...Read More

it may be one of the most heartbreaking things in life.

what medication is he on? this can have a heavy influence on the taste of foods and the will to eat.

my mom was put on statins that severly decreased her appetite. she responded to food in the same way you described above. it helped greatly when she was taken off these. (she, her new doctor and i are all in agreement that better to die from a heart attack then to starve.) my father lost much of his ability to swallow and due to alzheimers, it was impossible to get him to go through speech therapy. he went on tubal feeding and of course there was a family debate on whether this was the right thing to do. i still contend that it was not.

i've done a little dyi speech therapy with mom.
getting her to articulate polysyllabic sentences with rhymes and with repetition really helps. it's slow going but works.
rain in spain falls mainly on the plain kinda thing.
think kids learning to read and articulate through dr. suess.
i sat down and came up with sentences that contained things she liked (great musicians, beautiful places, etc.) to get her to repeat them with less argument.

this is all indeed draining and also fulfilling. because sometimes they do need it. and love is like that. not always easy to know just where and how to help and how and when to let go.

There is a ton of depression on the part of a stroke victim, let alone the huge let down of the body as it ages and is dependent.
All this I know you realize, but I empathize with you completely and it's always good to keep reminding yourself of these things.

Does he suffer dry mouth? That's often part of it all.

I will say this: keep attending to this condition. It is a warning sign. If he is willing to take pills, give him plenty of vitamins to stimulate appetite. EmergenC drinks have lots of vitamins, aren't so bad to swallow, and will help with recovering electrolytes. Try chocolate protein drinks too.
These were things that worked for my mom to get her back on the road to eating. Also, a biggie was letting her know that I needed her around. Her will to live became the most powerful tool of all.

Best of everything to you. Much love and hugs to you both.

Started a discussion 12/12/2009 at 5:08 pm

good caregiver story on NPR

good caregiver story on NPR
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=121216152

Answered a question 11/7/2009 at 6:55 pm

Why do we even have Mother's Day? From a caregivers prospective.

"So much despair and torment and feeling put upon is based in 'our heads' - putting that aside and experiencing the good moments when the happen make all the difference. Smile and the world eventually ...Read More

Answered a question 11/7/2009 at 3:19 am

Why do elderly parents turn on the child that is trying so hard to take care of them?

secret sister:

absolutely it is better to err on the side of caution! i can't speak for the millions of individual elderly out there. but i can say that i've dealt intimately with 4 very ...Read More

secret sister:

absolutely it is better to err on the side of caution! i can't speak for the millions of individual elderly out there. but i can say that i've dealt intimately with 4 very different cases. for the elderly parent who is clever and even manipulative, it is exasperating the rest of us trying to intervene for safety, health, etc.

my mom had a doctor that she adored because she could, she felt, charm him. the fact was, he didn't really care. he had little interest in my opinions. but was FAR more cautious when i started attending all appointments with her.

she now has a new doctor who is far more reasonable and cares enough to not fall for any manipulations. at this point she's too weary for it and has, somewhat learned her lesson given the former doctor over prescribed statins that nearly killed her and certainly increased her dementia.

all sorts of problems due to an aging, damaged brain can cause a person to do things that are unreasonable and unsafe.

however, the reasonable younger adults -the children/caregiver(s)- need to understand that denial is a huge part of dementia. the situation is frustrating for the elder who wants to continue with the same self control and independence they have, or believed themselves to have, always had.

i've had to serve as a continual advocate for my mom in every situation all the way. unreasonable, callous doctors, greedy financial advisors, opportunistic landlords, etc. i learned the hard way through my dad's behavior through alzheimers.

it's taken A LOT for my mom to be able to come to terms that she has to consider her safety. my father never got to that point.

her doctors know everything from me as well as her. i've gained her trust by limiting my criticisms. not easy. she gains my trust by listening to me. it's a whole new relationship. but it has taken years and lots of work and patience and constant attendance.

get the valuables in a safe deposit box. get them a senior i.d. and no more driving. don't engage in an argument.
it took years for me to finally get power of attorney and it has caused a lot of problems down the line that could have been solved earlier. if you aren't persistent despite the criticisms of bossiness, etc. then the situation will get totally out of control before you know it. try try try to not take the criticisms personally. remember that their judgement is poor. that includes their judgement of you when you are trying to do the right thing. just keep doing the right thing and get help every step of the way. best of everything to you. i empathize completely.

Answered a question 11/6/2009 at 11:52 pm

Why do we even have Mother's Day? From a caregivers prospective.

Because there are plenty of mothers who do a great job.
Most mothers do the best they can with what they have.
My mother said the other night over dinner that her biggest concern was alway ...Read More

Because there are plenty of mothers who do a great job.
Most mothers do the best they can with what they have.
My mother said the other night over dinner that her biggest concern was always to do everything right.

One doesn't always know what that is, no matter what your gender or what your job. The pressures on mothers is great. The hostility toward them often greater. The minute a child is born the individuality and personal concerns of the mother is often overshadowed by the new born. Many mothers feel immediately invisible and wonder how they lost their lives in the process. But the guilt and pressure is way too strong to ever admit to this. It's only been very recently that we have paid attention to the various issues women face as mothers, especially since they have entered the work force and are often the primary household breadwinner as well.

The generations of mothers who are now elderly have been through A LOT! They've had a lot of discrimination, media and social pressure, and a widespread amount of abuse. Domestic and otherwise. They also have an inordinate alcohol problem in comparison to other generations.

So why should we celebrate them?
I'm sure much has to do with the church and honoring Mary. Previously to that there are tons of cultural objects from ancient cultures that honored maternity and the vitality of the matronly goddess.
Written in 1870, Julia Ward Howe's Mother's Day Proclamation was a pacifist reaction to the carnage of the American Civil War and the Franco-Prussian War. The Proclamation was tied to Howe's feminist belief that women had a responsibility to shape their societies at the political level.
In 1912 Anna Jarvis came up with Mother's Day. She went on to complain vigorously about the commercialization of the tribute calling the day herself a "Hallmark Holiday."
However, pretty much every culture in the world has dedicated a day to celebrate their gratitude toward the women that bore them life.
Lots of politicians and others love to use the celebrations to push archly conservative and patriarchal ideas about mothering and motherhood. In fact, female Irish slaves of the 16th century were "given" the day to have a "vacation" from their masters and visit their families.
There might be a few caregivers on this site who may somehow relate to that....

Answered a question 11/6/2009 at 11:24 pm

Why do elderly parents turn on the child that is trying so hard to take care of them?

If you have the finances to support assisted living and can find a good place and she WANTS to go... by all means do it, especially given what you are going through.
...Read More

Answered a question 11/6/2009 at 11:12 pm

My mom thinks I owe her because I am alive and was born...how true is this?

lmw124
yikes, get thee to an elder law attorney. hopefully there is a good senior legal services place that can give you solid advice.

...Read More

Answered a question 7/5/2009 at 4:50 pm

What alternative are there to medicaid or nursing homes?

we really need to push for govt assistance to assisted living facilities. in california, the many people who are truly wealthy here just hate having to pay taxes and now everything is going to hell r ...Read More

Answered a question 6/17/2009 at 5:41 pm

My mom won't let help in her home, how can I get her to accept help from a caregiver?

Those are excellent guidelines.

The other thing is, you will need to advocate all the time for your parents. This is a gift. Your parents were advocates for your welfare. Anyone with hea ...Read More

Commented on a discussion 6/3/2009 at 12:27 pm

Can anti-depressants be taken at the same time as Alzheimer's medicine?

My father was proscribed both of these drugs and the paxil was a bit of a sledgehammer for him. Did NOTHING for his depression. There just aren't guarantees for anything, least of which, for medica ...Read More

Commented on a discussion 6/1/2009 at 4:25 pm

How do I get my sick elderly mother to eat when she refuses?

lisaanne,

you're welcome. here's the stonyfield link that's missing above. http://www.stonyfield.com/wellness/MooslettersDisplay.cfm?moos_id=37
...Read More

Answered a question 5/27/2009 at 12:18 pm

My Mother has Alzheimer's and her friends do not believe that she is diagnosed, how can I deal with this?

have these friends/family go to the neurologist with you and your loved one.
They may be telling her to resist assisted living because of the aging that happens. Also many ALFs do not have gre ...Read More

have these friends/family go to the neurologist with you and your loved one.
They may be telling her to resist assisted living because of the aging that happens. Also many ALFs do not have great care despite the advertising. Many do. Some people thrive in ALFs, most last about two years. Your mother's friends/family have their own mythologies about the care your mother may receive and are dealing with their own terror of the situation. I would talk to them about the ALFs you've found and the ALF you have chosen. Invite them to see the place.

What does "high functioning" mean? Is it because they see her walking therefore she does not need care? Has she been officially diagnosed?

My father was pretty physically fit but his Alzheimer's had him deeply confused. Once he started wandering into the kitchen at night to turn on the stove, my mother decided she could no longer care for him. He was tall and too heavy for her to pick up if he fell. She visited him twice a day at length and advocated to the best of her ability.

My mother now has a lot of confusion due to dementia from strokes. She had put her self into an ALF but soon ran out of finances since the costs there escalate without much regulation. It was a place with an upbeat staff and residents that she had some bonding with but I still wish she had not moved in to the ALF. It was three hours away from me and so I could not possibly be there every day. After awhile, she lost her will to live there. She is back in an independent living situation after intense care from me that she did not receive in the ALF. Now her living situation suits her albeit much to my sacrifice of time and attention. (She should have had this apartment then and the ALF now.) But the sacrifice has paid off in positive bonding with my mom, recovery of her will and sense of humor and knowing that she is getting the care she deserves at the end of her life.

So there are two stories in one family with very different experiences around dementia and care. I would not have been able to care for my father in the way that I can care for my mother. I wish I could have.

Your mother's friends and family may have their own stories which are flag wavers for them. They are fueled by their own fears and although I'm certain they mean the best for your mother, they may not have the facts straight no matter what you've told them. If you are very clear about your mother's condition and what you are able to take on, if you have sought diagnosis from a good neurologist, etc., and you have presented this information to her her friends and other family who persist to "get in the way," then invite them to take over her care. Many of the residents at my mother's ALF did well because those friends and other family members showed up and visited. People who cared about their welfare were there with extra money, dinners, socializing, etc.
The residents who did not do well, had few visits and no advocates.

Even if your mother goes to an ALF, assure her friends and family that she can not be left alone there for it all to work.

Good luck. None of this is easy and everyone's story is different.

Commented on a discussion 5/27/2009 at 2:13 am

Is Alzheimer's disease the same as memory loss?

get thee to a neurologist as soon as possible.
it took seemingly forever for doctors to diagnose my father. eventually doctors realized his decline was obviously alzheimers, but the delay in dia ...Read More

get thee to a neurologist as soon as possible.
it took seemingly forever for doctors to diagnose my father. eventually doctors realized his decline was obviously alzheimers, but the delay in diagnosis was a delay in specific care. that was about 5 or 6 years ago. a lot has changed for the better. neurologists know much more of what to ask. they have far more studies under their belt. they can distinguish parkinsons from strokes and dementia much faster. this is critical.
for my mother, she was displaying signs of alzheimers but her symptoms have had much more to do with having strokes. she has recently regained many of the skills we had thought permanently lost. she's not all better. she's not going to be 45 again, or 75. but she's a hell of a lot better than she was six months ago.
Her neurologist was awesome. She was on task and to the point without ever making my mother feel rushed or patronized. she was very kind about delivering tests that would tell my mom's ability to draw, remember, conceive, etc.
But as a caregiver YOU MUST BE PRESENT. YOU MUST ADVOCATE EVERY STEP OF THE WAY. This is critical. Not all doctors are awesome. (sigh.)
Be sure to tell the neurologist what the condition of your loved one was a month ago and a year ago. Bring a list of all medications. If there has been a catscan recently, make sure the doctor gets the results of that (it will relieve your loved one of having to endure more procedure and relieve your medical bills too.)
All of the inconsistencies in behavior that everyone cited above should be mentioned to a neurologist and of course, to the primary physician.

And yes, the legal definitely should come first. Get power of attorney, get yourself on the checking account and ahold of all finances.
However, many states do not cover assisted living and that will eat your finances faster than anything. Keep your loved one as independent and as social for as long as possible. Make assisted living the last resort.
If your loved one is willing, adult day care is great. Look into services offered by community centers and what they offer for social activities and opportunities for seniors. This is critical.
Best to all.

Commented on a discussion 5/15/2009 at 6:21 pm

How do you prevent someone with Alzheimer's from choking on food and liquid?

There are also physical therapists who specialize in regaining one's ablility to swallow. They usually deal with elderly patients.

check with your insurance to see what is covered.
...Read More

Commented on a discussion 5/14/2009 at 5:02 pm

How do I get my sick elderly mother to eat when she refuses?

Have been making my mom smoothies every morning after she refused to eat. It worked and was much more affordable than anything pre-made. 2 bananas for potassium, an apple or 2, some orange juice, a ...Read More

Commented on a discussion 3/13/2009 at 11:47 pm

How do I get my sick elderly mother to eat when she refuses?

I have been dealing with this for the past month and it is sooo scary and frustrating.
But LOOK CLOSELY AT THE INGREDIENTS OF ENSURE. The very first things are water and high fructose corn syrup ...Read More

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