Commented on a discussion 11/15/2009 at 10:04 am
I am certain that for everyone here - there isn't a day that goes by when we aren't crying on the inside, if not on the outside. The tears come for a number of reasons - sometimes it just feels good t
...Read MoreI am certain that for everyone here - there isn't a day that goes by when we aren't crying on the inside, if not on the outside. The tears come for a number of reasons - sometimes it just feels good to sob, other times we think of the future, or the past, or the present - and tears flow - we see how things are, we remember how things were, and we remain hopeful on how things will be - later today, tonight, tomorrow. Like everyone else here, I cry too. I am exhausted at times too. But, by the Grace of God, (or maybe my daily bottle of whiskey - just kidding - I don't drink!) I am able to, somehow, remain focused in the moment most of the time. And, to me, for me, that is what matters the most. TO BE ALIVE AND AWARE IN THIS MOMENT. While this website is a wonderful safe haven for us to lounge like a lizard for a moment or sit at the bar and tell our thoughts to the non-judgemental "bartender," for me, I must turn every potentially sad, negative, unkind thought immediately into a thought about my blessings, the good stuff, the fact that I am exactly where I have chosen to be and want to be. Quite honestly, sometimes it is really hard for me to read some posts here - while it is awesome to have a place where we can be "brutally" honest with how we feel about things - I cringe and shutter to think about the people being cared for when we sometimes are less than whole - less than kind - less than loving - not on purpose, maybe from exhaustion, fear, whatever. We can stand. We can go to the bathroom alone. We can dress ourselves. We can prepare our own meals. We can do cartweels. We can get up and walk out of the room. Of all my challenges and responsibilities and experiences throughout each day, the one that seems to push me to the brink of jumping off is when my loved one cries. It makes me feel so bad, so useless, like I am an awful caregiver that I am not able to identify and meet the need straightaway. My loved one's crying - as sporadic and unexpected as it comes -makes me cry. And I can't afford to be sad. To be depressed. To be angry - at anyone. There's no time for that. There's no energy for that. So I hold my loved one and no matter how exahusted I am, I find out what it is that is making my loved one cry - and I do my VERY VERY BEST to make things right, to make things better. My loved one has a right to cry. So do I. But we can't dwell on that. Those tears can lead to a downward spiral that would be very difficult to climb out of. So I remain hopeful, we do activities to strengthen the mind and body and soul, and we laugh a lot. For a while I was angry at my siblings. Not that i wanted any reprieve - there was no where else I wanted to go and no other place I wanted to be - but I just wanted them to want to be here - for them - and for our loved one. And then, one day, by the Grace of God - I let that go. It just vanished. All that worry and resentment and confusion and misunderstandings and phone calls asking when can you come over, etc. - all that went away. And what happened? They came around. They come around. They call. They write. They do considerate things. They tell ME they love ME and are sorry they every hurt me. Hard to believe. And yet, so simple. I let all that BULLSHIT go and freed up more energy and time for my loved one and my life to make our lives even better - and it all took care of itself. I know it might be hard, but I can only recommend that you act AS IF you are strong and joy-filled, and happy and kind and patient and compassionate all the time - UNTIL YOU ARE again. Go into the room with a smile. Make that late-night snack.