My mother likes to fight and she always has to be "right." How can I deal with the argumentative behavior?
Dr. Robert Bornstein, PhD answered:
When an elderly parent fights and always has to be right, the best way thing to do is not respond to their argumentative behavior and don't be defensive.
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How can we coordinate a care plan for my parents who have vastly different caregiving needs?
Sheri Samotin answered:
It is not unusual for each elderly parent to have different caregiving needs at different times, and coordinating individual care plans will help with care.
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I get no help from my siblings in caring for our elderly father. How can I get them to start helping me?
answered:
There is no easy way to get your siblings to help care for your elderly father, but here are some techniques that might help get your family involved.
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I’ve been going with my elderly mother to her doctor’s appointments. What questions should I be asking her doctor?
Gail M. Samaha answered:
When taking your elderly mother to the doctor, make a list of questions to ask the physician.
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How can I give my sister a break from taking care of our elderly dad when I live hundreds of miles away? She refuses to let me help, because she has always been controlling. Its her way or the highway, but she needs a break.
Carol Bradley Bursack answered:
Caregivers know the elder they are caring for is used to the way they do things and will be upset by change, yet they desperately need a break from their duties.
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What should I do when my elderly mom refuses to go to the doctor?
Carol Bradley Bursack answered:
When your elderly parent refuses and doesn't want to go to the doctor, a caregiver can't physically get them in the car. But there are other tricks.
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How do you physically remove someone from their home to assisted living?
Carol Bradley Bursack answered:
To get help with physically removing your elderly mom from her home to assisted living, call social services or go to your state's aging services website.
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Am I bad selfish, daughter if I don't want my mother to move in with me, my husband and our two children?
Dr. Mary Languirand, PhD answered:
Not wanting you mother to disrupt your family’s life by moving in isn’t selfish—but it may be something you need to explore with a therapist, clergy, or trusted friend.
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How do I know if the nursing home where my mother lives is giving her the proper doses of her medication?
Lynn Harrelson answered:
One of the easier ways to check use of medication is to check how frequently medications are refilled.
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I go to several different pharmacies depending on which one has the best price on the medication I need. Is that OK?
Lynn Harrelson answered:
When a patient goes to more than one pharmacy, it increases the potential that possible significant interactions may be overlooked and the patient can experience a serious medication related problem.
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My mother sees several different doctors for her medical care. How does one doctor know what medication the other doctor has prescribed?
Lynn Harrelson answered:
One of the biggest problems we have in our health system today is accurate and timely information; this is especially true regarding the medications we use.
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My father sometimes forgets to take the prescriptions ordered by his doctor? Should I be concerned if he misses a dose now and then?
Lynn Harrelson answered:
Should caregivers worry if their elderly parents forget or skip doses of their medication?
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I'm a caregiver for my parents, and I am overwhelmed. What can I do?
Carolyn Rosenblatt answered:
Carolyn wrote: Many caregivers suffer from burnout. While you can't change your aging parents' condition, you can do things for yourself.
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I can't take care of my mother alone anymore, but I've heard horror stories about nursing homes. How can I get some help?
Carol Bradley Bursack answered:
Not all nursing homes are bad. Many are excellent. You need help and this may be your only choice.
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I've been caring for and living with my eldery mother since I got out of college. I can't get on with my life. I'm broke and depressed. I want my life back. Help!
Carol Bradley Bursack answered:
You can't do this at your age - shouldn't at any age. A therapist may be able to tell you who can help you free or for little charge, if she can't.
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My sister has moved my father who has dementia into her home. My other sister and I live 600 miles away. How can help give her a break?
Carol Bradley Bursack answered:
One option is to help pay for someone to relieve her at home. In-home health agencies do this.
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My eldery mother refuses to go to the doctor. What should I do?
Carol Bradley Bursack answered:
It happens often and is horribly frustrating. You can't physically get them in the car to go.
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My mother wants all my time and attention. How do I handle it and still have my own life?
Jacqueline Marcell answered:
It’s about boundaries. Start setting reasonable but strict limits of when you can be available and when you can’t, and don’t allow yourself to be manipulated.
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Dad really needs caregiving help at home but refuses to accept anyone. What can I do?
Jacqueline Marcell answered:
My challenging elderly father threw out 40 caregivers in a year. Most were only there for about ten minutes though!
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My mother and I had a fight. I apologized, but now she won’t stop yelling that I am a terrible daughter for threatening to move her to a nursing home. Am I horrible?
Jacqueline Marcell answered:
No, you are not horrible—and I know exactly how you feel because my father was so difficult we had to threaten him with “Shady Pines” frequently.
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My still independent mother is being treated with Aricept for early Alzheimer’s and Paxil for mild depression. I thought I heard somewhere that those two drugs shouldn’t be combined, but I forget why.
Jacqueline Marcell answered:
Since there are so many anti-depressants available, why gamble with one that might reduce the effectiveness of the dementia medication?
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My (normally controlled) racist, chauvinist, and demented father has become very nasty and vocal about the upcoming election--ranting and embarrassing us everywhere we go. I take care of him in our home and can’t just lock him up. What should I do?
Jacqueline Marcell answered:
Negative beliefs and thoughts like these come to the surface because dementia often destroys the social filters which previously controlled our parents in public.
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How can I get my elderly father to stop eating everything? His doctor isn’t helping me!
Jacqueline Marcell answered:
I had the same problem with my father. I fed him well and kept all healthy snacks available, but he'd say he was starving to death all the time.
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I have been so busy and stressed out lately and am often misplacing things. Is that a warning sign of Alzheimer’s?
Jacqueline Marcell answered:
Misplacing things is not a sign of Alzheimer's in-and-of-itself. Losing your keys doesn't mean you have Alzheimer's. But there are 10 warning signs from the Alzheimer's Association that you should look out for.
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The doctor told me that my elderly father was having hallucinations and delusions while in the hospital. What’s the difference?
Jacqueline Marcell answered:
Hallucinations in the elderly may be experienced through one of the five senses; a delusion is something a person believes to be true.
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My grandmother developed Alzheimer’s at 84. My mother got it at 70. I am 40 and worried I am going to get it. Is there a test to know if I will develop it or not?
Jacqueline Marcell answered:
There is a test, but even if you have inherited the gene, it doesn't mean you will definitely develop Alzheimer's Disease.
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My mother is afraid of everyone who comes to our house. She sits in the dark most of the time and does not talk to anyone except the dog. I don't know what to do. Should I contact her doctor about how she chooses complete isolation?
Jacqueline Marcell answered:
Absolutely! Better yet, make an appointment and take your mom to the doctor, so you can discuss this in-depth with the doctor, because unless you have a durable power of attorney, they will not be able to discuss your mother's health with you over the phone.
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I am caring for my 81-year-old mother who lives with me. She is very controlling, wants to rule my life, and treats me like I’m still a teenager. Pointing this out to her doesn’t seem to do any good. What can I do?
Jacqueline Marcell answered:
You need the "Jacqueline Marcell emotional shield." Put it on every day, and then don't let anything she says bother you; all negativity has to bounce right off.
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I live 3,000 miles away from my father and he needs live-in help, but I’m worried about elder abuse since I can’t be there to monitor the caregivers. What can I do to protect my father and feel more comfortable with hiring caregivers?
Jacqueline Marcell answered:
I would hire a geriatric care manager who lives very close to your father, and can be your onging eyes and ears in your absence.
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I am caring for my mother-in-law and her husband just passed away. She whimpers, sighs, and doesn’t sleep. I try to cheer her up and involve her in activities, but have a hard time. Any suggestions?
Jacqueline Marcell answered:
Please ask the doctor if you can try an anti-depressant on your mother-in-law, as there are so many choices these days and it is unnecessary for someone to suffer so much.
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What can I do to prevent my wife with Alzheimer’s from choking on her liquids and food? It is terrifying and I feel so helpless and don’t know what to do.
Jacqueline Marcell answered:
It happened with my father too and scared the daylights out of me. Unfortunately, when swallowing becomes impaired and choking begins it is usually a sign that the dementia is progressing further.
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Is there an ideal time off (respite) for caregivers that I can show my sisters to help my case for getting time off?
Jacqueline Marcell answered:
I have never seen an official “Required Respite Time” statistic because of course there are so many factors and it’s very individual, but I would boil the need for respite down to this: As often as needed!
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How can I get my elderly parents to consent to move to Assisted Living?
Jacqueline Marcell answered:
Help with convincing elders to move from their home into an assisted living facility or other elderly living arrangement. These tips can help with moving elderly loved ones that don't want to leave their home.
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My normally loving but now slightly demented father is suddenly using the worst possible profanity. How should I handle it?
Jacqueline Marcell answered:
When I was taking care of my elderly parents (both with early Alzheimer’s not properly diagnosed for over a year), no one warned me that inhibitions gradually fade and that profanity can often occur.
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How do I get my sick elderly mother to eat when she refuses?
Jacqueline Marcell answered:
I know how hard that is because my normally sweet mother did the same stubborn thing. She had been so sick she’d gotten down to 82 pounds, yet would clinch her teeth when I got half way through feeding her.
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My single sister has been caring for our mother full-time for 6 years, while I am happily married with 3 children, running a successful business and living 1000 miles away. I feel so guilty I can’t be there. How can I help and show my appreciation?
Jacqueline Marcell answered:
Ohhh, how I wish I’d had a caring sister like you! First, realize that caregivers in a prolonged stressful situation have a 63% higher death rate than their peers of the same age—so your sister’s health is in jeopardy and needs to be the priority. Click to read Jacqueline's full answer.
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My husband is exhibiting bizarre behavior and his bad temper has turned into raging. A friend said maybe he has Alzheimer’s, but isn’t that only memory loss?
Jacqueline Marcell answered:
That’s exactly what I thought about my father—he just couldn’t have Alzheimer’s! Let me answer your question by telling you my story, which if it rings true for you about what’s happening with your husband—you will understand what to do. Click to read the full answer.
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How do I handle friends who are not supportive of my caregiving journey?
Jacqueline Marcell answered:
They want to be supportive, but they just can't for long periods of time, because they realize what you are describing is all ahead of them. For now, they aren't there yet, don't want to be, prefer denial--and it is just too unpleasant to listen to horror stories they can't fix.
Click to read Jaqueline's full answer.
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How can I get my passive sibling to help me with the care of our elderly parents?
Jacqueline Marcell answered:
My only sibling, my older brother, only lived a half-hour away from Mom & Dad and I lived over 400 miles, yet I was the one who gave up my life for a year to go take care for them… but… I’m not bitter about it!
Click to read Jacqueline's full answer.
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How do I cope with the sorrow of my mother’s prolonged illness, Alzheimer’s Disease?
Jacqueline Marcell answered:
I found that reading caregiving statistics helped me feel less alone, especially the one about: “More than 50 million Americans are taking care of a family member or friend--and 20 million of them are Baby Boomers caring for an aging parent.”
Click to read Jacqueline's full answer.
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