I'm Angry With My Sister

Who handles her financial records? Is she eligible for a local agency for the elderly? Ours is Council on Aging or aka COA in Cincinnati, OH. We can pick a private care home health agency and have HHA's come in if needed. They provide those (HHA's) or a Senior Day Care Facility. You get the most bang for your buck if you go with the Senior Day Care Facility (she'd be gone a little longer). ...but if you have some function to go to at night, then the HHA's are the best way to go.

Hope this helps. Good luck!

lach61 asked a good question when she asked, who's controlling the finances? To that I add, and how will it affect your mom and you? There's nothing wrong with requesting help, but we can't expect it. Do you see the difference? And there's nothing wrong with anger, depending on what you do with it. But if you're living in fear of how your brother or sister will react, I wonder why? Who do you answer to, and why should you have to?

My sister hasn't been here since May, to see our dad who's in decline, nor seen our mom. I was doing everything for both of them, because I CHOSE to, but when I got tired, I'd think that others weren't doing their part. Actually, my sister was giving me lots of unrequested advice, counter to what was, in my opinion, in my mom's best interest. Our values definitely clash. (Mine and mom's do too, but that's a different thread...) Another issue between my sis and me was that every time she'd call, she would ask me to give her an antique from the estate. She didn't even ask how dad was doing. This angered me a lot! Telling her so angered her. Go figure. Seems people show their priorities in a variety of ways. I say, "actions speak louder than words."

How do you deal with this? By doing what's comfortable for you, and doing what's right, no matter what other people do. We can make requests, but must respect their right to refuse. I don't know a lot about your situation, so I'm speaking in general terms. One thing I do is seek wise counsel from a trusted individual, or maybe a few, depending on the circumstance. But my first priority is to seek God's direction through prayer. No matter what I decide, I ultimately answer to him. So as long as I know I'm doing what I believe he wants me to, I feel more secure in that. Sometimes I also ask for help in forgiving others, and for myself, because I'm far from perfect. We certainly can't control another. Sometimes it's all we can do just to get along with certain people, and it's not always our doing. Just some thoughts...

I'd also like to know who takes care of her finances too. I'm going to come at from a whole other arena by saying this so here goes........I wish my sister lived in another State!

I hear you, pamela! Mine does, though, and distance doesn't always help. They can still cause trouble. Water seeks it's own level.

My thanks to all of you. I have Durable Power of Attorney for my mother but my brother is in charge of the finances. In one way I am fine with that because then if the investments don't pan out or we run out of money then it's not on me. I get a monthly allowance that has been budgeted for Mom's monthly expenses. I also receive some money each month that barely covers my health insurance and groceries. My sister thinks it's terrible that I accept money, but I can't work a full time job as it would cost too much to have a caregiver come in during that time. Also, I want family to take care of Mom. Anyway, my sister and I have issues, but it's still her mother too. She hardly ever calls Mom and hasn't been home for Christmas in 3 years. I would gladly leave during the time my sister is here to see Mom if she doesn't want to see me. SecretSister, I do have a relationship with God and that helps me some and He is who I answer to. I am all about forgiveness and even though my sister has said some really nasty things to me and about me, I am open to a relationship with her if that's at all possible. I get lots of advice from my brother and sister-in-law. Some is good and some is ridiculous. No one knows what it's like to take care of a 91 year old woman with Alzheimer's unless they have done it day in and day out for a period of time. I have decided that my sister is someone who is toxic to me and I try to do what my best friend advised: "Don't rent her anymore space in your head." My best friend and I have been friends as long as I can remember life. She knows how my sister is. There is definitely more to this story and maybe I'll tell it in here in time. I'm not perfect, far from it. I just love my mother and want to keep her out of a nursing home. pamela6148, your post made me laugh. Thank you for that. :)

Amen to that, SecretSister!!

Alright it's 8:30 pm and everyone has turned in from the computer. My mom just called and asked what the name of the social worker is who's handling her case because she wants to talk to him and ifnd out why she hasn't gotten anything. Today when I was over there she asked if I'd heard anything and I said no but the paperwork might come to me.

Now I left her house at 5:45 trying to get home for the Denver/Utah game, and she has just called. Now this let's me know my sister has gone in there and talked to her about what she and I did today. By the way while I was @ mom's house neither my sister, her husband, her daughter, nor her son came into my moms room, not a one of them! so now that I'm gone my sister has gone in my moms room badgerring her about medical.
I told my mom that I would call the worker on Tuesday.

Now I've worked my butt off since October with little help and my sister constantly attempts to undo what I've done.

I've got a mind to just go over and take all my mom stuff (organized and everything) over to her house 2morrow and give it to her and my sister and say GOOD LUCK!.

You're angry, well I'm angry too. Now come 2morrow my mom is gonna be calling me all day long asking me questions. It never fails, soon as I go over and take care of business my mom is calling me asking me questions that I've already answered. It's so frustrating trying to keep on the straight narrow.

Funny thing this is just what Joyce Meyers was talking about today, letting things go that get you upset. It just ain't worth it.

By the way, this is a great Basketball Game!

My Mother is 85 and is in the early stages of Alzheimers. I live approx an hour away and have other siblings and family members that live only 10 inutes away. None of them seem to have the time to do anything to help her. They rarely even visit with her. I go to her home at least 3 times a week. I do all of her finances on line and pay all her bills. I take her to all of her Dr Appts. I keep up with everything that has to be done at her house. And make sure all of her prescriptions are being taken and filled on time. I am her power of Attorney, her Medical Surrogate. I become both because no one else has taken the inititive todo any of this. I was the one that had to push for her to go to a Neurologist. Her family Dr. just kept saying she was just getting older. It has been so frustrating that no one else would pay enough attention to see the changies that she was going through. I have been telling them for 5 years thast something was going on. I am a single Mom and I'm trying to manage my own home and also run by Business. Because I work from home no one seems to think that I have a job. They all just think that my days are completely free. I love my Mom with all my heart and I will not let her go through this alone. I think this stage is very hard because Mom knows that she is forgetting things and getting confused. Mom knows alot about ALzheimers becuse she worked in this field for over 17 years. She knows what is happening and I know that she is scared but she is really in denial and gets very defensive about it. I feel like I'm going through this all alone. My siblings actually have the nerve to call me and thank me for all that I do. I don't want thanks I want help. God Bless all caregivers!

And 3rddaughter,
God bless you! Any negotiating with your family to get things done? My heart goes out to you. Praying you get the help you both desire and need! Hang in there...until the answer comes.

Mizunderstood,

Since your brother runs the finances, ask him if he would consider meeting with your Council on Aging Elderly Source to just see what is out there (with you present, of course--since you're the one who takes care of your mother--and have it at your house, since you can't leave your mother). You could make the initial call if he doesn't want to.

Again, good luck!