Friends Disappearing

What you are experiencing is normal under the circumstances. I'm glad you are seeking help. All I can add is that you need to keep doing what you are doing for yourself. If you need more frequent therapy or more outside help, please get it. This is a tough time and friends do sort of disappear when we are so involved in caregiving. Living in crisis mode all of the time takes a toll. Keep coming back to the site - you have lots of company.
Carol

SuzieQ - Sometimes I have to catch myself and ask, 'would I always want to hear about the old lady with dementia that they are taking are of ALL the time?" The answer is 'no' I would not. So then I have to back off and NOT burden my friends with it ALL the time. It gets boring to them, since they aren't in the midst of it, and don't get 'it'. I pick the people that I know will listen, not get bored, and have some input for me. Or just listen to me lament about m-i-l and her memory loop craziness. In other words, the people that will call back and still want to talk, those are the keepers right now.
The older you are, the easier it is to find the 'keepers' I found out. Just another thing I can add to my list of 'good things about getting old'. 1. no more zits. 2. no more monthly periods 3.get senior discounts. 4. friends that are going thru old people stuff too. (we can all commiserate together.)

You might find potential new acquaintances go foggy on you when you mention what you do. There are rampant guilt trips going on out there, and you don't know what their relationship is with their parents and the current or future decisions they have to make.

When I used to hang out at Peet's, I would strike up a conversation and see the person wilt when I told them what I did. However, you might find the one out of a few dozen people who really stood by their parents in their hour (day, week, month, years, decades) of need, and you will find people of character and substance.

Now that Mom is more visibly feeble and mentally blotto, our house is more like the proverbial "witches house" that almost every neighborhood has. However, the couple next door, who have a retarded son (and wife's father died of Alz this past year) have stood by me...and vice versa. These are the folks who will come without question at midnight and help lift Mom off the floor.

And one day you will see that YOU are this person of high character, and all those floozy friends can go fly their kites somewhere else.

SUZIE Q:

Of all the "friends" I had before, during, and after caregiving for my Mom only two have stuck around; one was taken away from me; the others "bounced" as if I had a contagious disease.

One of them, whom I've known over 20 years, recently called me in the middle of the night; drunk and crying. He said he wanted to confess something to me but was afraid I'd turn my back on him just as his entire family had long ago. He said he was gay. I asked him if he was happy, and he answered "Absolutely." I told him my sons and I have been the luckiest men in the world to have someone like him. When my wife died, he was there to comfort me and lend a hand with the kids. When I took my mother in, he stepped in to help with the caregiving without my asking and without expecting anyone in return. Did I know he was gay all along? Of course I did. But that didn't matter. He was my friend, he was my brother, he was "blood."

My other friend lives in Puerto Rico, but we've been "cuates" since elementary school. When I was in the Marines he was in the Army. He married his high school sweetheart; I got married shortly after my wife got on one knee at a greasy spoon Chinese restaurant in East Los Angeles and presented me with a ring. I love a woman in charge, and didn't object at all when she treated me like a prince. For nine short years, she was my friend, confidante, partner ... a kind of love that happens once in a lifetime if you play your cards right.

I also agree that friends disappear when you caregive, sometimes because YOU change. Well Suzie, get used to it. It's a fact of caregiving that's difficult to accept, but it happens. Don't become resentful whenever they keep their distance, but keep socializing. Stay with the support groups, they help you stay balanced and connected. Who knows? True friendship, the kind that gets stronger through time, thick, and thin, might come along. Don't look for it, it'll come to you when you least expect it.

First order of business is taking care of yourself. ... But let us know how else we can be of assistance. We're your friends too.

-- ED

I arrived at this site at the precise moment when both my mother had a major medical crisis and my best friend of 30 years literally stopped corresponding with me. It is devestating to lose a friend whom you considered a sister, especially when you held her hand through a divorce, kid issues, work issues, health problems, etc. I thought I was losing my mind. Thank God that He led me to this site and these wonderful people. I can vent, ask questions, offer advice or bounce ideas around in a safe and accepting environment. No one gets tired of hearing that you are a "caregiver" because we all know that we are more than that. However, the civilians, who are not experiencing this just do not know how to handle it. Sometimes I am angry; other times I can deal. I just need to keep my eye on what is important right now and that is to care for my Mom in the most humane way possible...even when the system does not.
Suzie: this journey is isolating. Until I arrived here I thought I was losing myself in the process. The fog is now clearing and I have learned to deal with one crisis at a time without "borrowing trouble" or trying to look too far into the future (who can??) And I agree with Ed - I have now formed friendships with new people who know that caregiving is part of my life and it comes along with the package. I do miss my longtime friends...but I will decide what form our friendship will take when all is said and done.
Stay strong...try to find creative outlets...and visit here as often as you need.
Lilli

Suzie Q you are exactly right. When my parents started getting sick, slowly I lost my friends. No phone calls and if I saw them then never even ask how are things. Life can really hurt sometimes and it takes a lot of praying not to hold resentment.Even my husband gets tired of it and he don't ask just gripes about money. I think I will soon lose it, because I do not see me returning to the life I had. I have pretty much shyed away and sometimes want the world to go away.

I empathize with what you're going through -I've seen my life narrowing over the past 5 years as the needs of my Mother have been drowning out much of my own formulas for rest , travel and creative exploration .Also , having a relationship with a woman seems nearly impossible as the demands on my time and energy leave almost nothing for me .I'm going to carve out some time for myself to go on a retreat even if it means paying someone to step in to relieve me ..... I hope you can do the same for yourself soon.

susieQ, you are among friends now! This is your new support group, where you can vent, cry, and ask questions. The ones who matter most will remain, and the ones who fade were fair weather friends. Just like a good marriage, good friends will stick around for better or worse. And when your need is greatest, God has a way of sending angels when you least expect it. I know, because even when things are at their worst, I have been more blessed than ever before in my life. Amazing grace is a wonderful thing! So glad you've come here to take part. We can't fix everything and make it better, but we can listen and support you in your journey. Thanks for sharing your story.

Like Naheaton I too had to stop talking about my troubles too because people just don't really want to hear about it all the time. They stopped calling and when I realized that I was doing all the calling I had to reevaluate the reason why. Then just like a rocket, it dawned on me: it was my one-sided conversation.

My phone still doesn't ring like it did but now I go out of my way not to dwell on my mom's situation unless it's someone who really wants to know.

SusieQ--You are not alone here, on this website. This is a safe place for you to share your inner feelings, sense of burden, or whatever. I read on this site about people who are going through tougher stuff than I am. I salute everyone here who is faithfully tending to their parents in their hour of need. We all have challenges, and nobody ever told us it would be this hard, or feel like this, caring for an elderly parent. We love our parents. I love my father more than life itself---he was the "best Dad in the world" , and I remind him of that. And now I have to deal with with seeing his personality change right before my eyes, and hear him saying mean, ugly things to me, shouting the "f" word, etc. It can be depressing. Thank God my mother passed away so that she doesn't have to witness this, as he gets worse. So SusieQ, you are a great and faithful daughter to your Dad, and he will thank you in Heaven some day, if he hasn't already. When my Dad was young and in his "hey day", he would always say to me: "Hang in there!" when I was going through a tough time; now I can still hear his words in my head, and I say the same to you.