Five Questions All Caregivers Should Ask Themselves

Lots of good points. I like the idea that caregiving is a decision.

I feel like I didn't decide about my caregiver role but was pushed into it by family, mostly my mother who has always cried, "I need help, " as long as I can remember. I took her on so she would leave my son and his family alone.

As soon as I started setting limits on what I could do for her and questioning her ability to live alone she sucked in other people she knew.

I now feel that caregiving for my mother is a choice. And I choose to do very little for her. She'll either die or get a reality check about allowing home care which I'm going to let someone else figure out.

I LIKE THAT YOU SAY CAREGIVING IS A CHOICE.
FOR 2 YEARS NOW MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE BEEN TAKING CARE OF MY MOM (SHE LIVES BY HERSELF IN A CONDO) WE DO HER MEDS, TAKE HER TO ALL APT'S ETC...WE THINK IT IS TIME FOR HER TO GO INTO AN ASSISTED LIVING.BUT IN ORDER TO DO THAT WE HAVE TO SELL HER CONDO AND HER MANY ANTIQUES AND COLLECTABLES. MY MOMS BROTHER DROVE A LONG DISTANCE IN HOPES OF JUST TAKING ALOT OF THESE ITEMS FOR HIMSELF.WHEN I FOUND OUT HE WAS ON HIS WAY,I SENT HIM A E-MAIL SAYING WE NEED TO HAVE ALL OF THESE ITEMS APPRAISED, AND IF HE WANTED THEM HE COULD PUT THE MONEY THERE WORTH IN HER ACCOUNT. WHEN HE GOT THE E-MAIL HER TURNED AROUND AND WENT HOME.
MY MOTHER LEFT ME 9 REALLY NASTY MESSAGES ON MY MACHINE, SAYING I EMBARRESED HER BY DOING THIS.SHE'S BEEN NASTY TO ME MY ENTIRE LIFE, AND I REALLY WOULD LIKE TO WALK AWAY FROM THIS MESS. I FORGOT TO MENTION MY BROTHER WAS WRITTEN OUT OF BOTH MY PARENTS WILLS,BECAUSE HER CAN'T BE TRUSTED.

I'd like to congratulate you on your honesty. I have been taking care of my 95 yr old Mother for seven years. I am the oldest daughter of 4 siblings but because I live in the same town as my mother, it's all been left up to me. My mother doesn't appreciate anything I do for her and tells my siblings big whopping stories about me, turning them against me saying I am abusive to her her. It's all lies and hurts me deeply. I have tried to smooth things out with my mother so she would have some help but she took me off her caregiver list. That nearly broke me! I lived in an abusive home as a child with violence between my parents and toward us kids, leaving home when I was 16 yrs old to escape the abuse. I am 75 yrs old now and I don't need this kind of stress in my life. I have had to walk away from any kind of caregiving or relationship of any kind with my Mother in order to keep my sanity and take care of myself as a diabetic. My Dr has advised me to avoid stress at all costs and that is exactly what I am doing. Seven yrs of caregiving and abusive actions all my life from my Mother was enough. I feel no guilt for making this decision, just sadness. My mother has never told me she loved me in my entire life even though I have been the only one that was there for her, so I don't feel any real loss. I feel sad that she has never recognized my love for her. So I understand what anyone is going through with a parent that shows no love or compassion for their children who try to help them in their old age..

P.S. I hope my comments above will help you in making you own decision on caregiving without guilt.

It is a choice, but one you can not really comprehend in its scope and intensity till you have done it. But there are options for assistance and help every step along the way. Do not lose yourself in this task you have taken on, remember to ask for help when you need it, it makes it SO much easier to carry on....

WELL FOR ME MY CHOICE WASNT BETWEEN FAMILY MEMBERS IT WAS ACTUALLY DONE WITHOUT ME KNOWING AND REALIZING OR ACTUALLY UNDERSTANDING ALL THAT WENT WITH CAREGIVING and not realizing all I was getting into or in a way felt well i have to do this because my parents were good to me or just i guess out of love although i feel most of the time my Mom and i have a love hate relationship.When mom first got sick i went thru several agencys and found no decent caregivers who were good had several issues till time came when i lost my job due to my situtation then i really became the full time caregiver and i feel over the past seven years has totally lost who i am or even no myself and this pasy yeAT

My question is: I have helped my mother care for my father for the past 9 years off and on, 4 years ago they moved from Ohio to Florida because they could not take the winters .... over the last 4 years my fathers health has declined with trips to the er, surgeries and nursing home rehabilitation, I have traveled at my own expense back and forth to Florida about every 3 or 4 mos. for the past 4 years to help my mother and to give her a break, staying for 2 mos at a time, now my husband and I have been asked to move into the house to help, which we have done, we both saved some money sold everything, and moved in....my husband is an engineer but with the economy he has been having trouble finding work I was a stna/crna and I also resigned from my job....I surely thought my mother would compensate me in some way to stay and care for my father 27/7, but I now realize she thinks I am getting a full time job and helping her, I talked to her before the move and she had said she was giving my husband and I a condo she owns in Ohio, which we maintained and rented out for her, also she said she was going to sell us her house for 50,000.00 it was appraised at 200,000.00 7 years ago but has gone down in market value. now that we are here she is talking about selling them both, and not to us, my husband is flabbergasted and now we wonder what will happen in the future we gave up our residence we were renting for 8 years, our jobs sold 2 of our 3 cars, sold all our furniture, I left my 21 and 30 year old daughters and 3 grandchildren in Ohio to help my parents....I haven't been able to sleep my stress level is thru the roof and my father just came home from re-hab with a hoyer lift a catheter, he needs to be helped with everything, my mother is frail shes 78 and my father is 89, is there any compensation out there for a family caregiver, there is no way I can maintain a full time job and care for my father full time....I want to help I have 2 brothers one in Florida he and his wife both work full time also and help when they can the other is in Ohio, and he hasn't been to visit them in the 4 years they have lived, here my father has a nurse everyday that visits, ot and pt all week , we are here now and I have no idea how this will pan out, my husband has always been supportive, but this is causing tension any suggestions or help will be appreciated....

My mother likes to count her money and real estate. My dad did too when he was alive. Every time I see my mother she does a verbal inventory of her stuff and how it is to be distributed. This has been going on for years. Never have I gotten anything. She gives her stuff away in her head different ways at different times. I have learned not to count on anything from her.

I think it is a hook that old people use to keep younger people interested in them so they will help. It might just be something old people do. It sounds like a deal but it really isn't. It's just mind wandering elder-babble.

You know, its very interesting reading these posts. I thought I was an only child and all alone out there in the never ending cycle of abusive treatment and threats alternating with helplessness and "I need to go today and you need to come over now" statements. But it seems like I have quite a few "brothers and sisters" all in the same situation.
They call us the "sandwich generation" because we are sandwiched between caring for our children and our elderly parents who have become just like children and are just as needy, although most times give us no affection and instead are abusive and thoughtless.
What is the solution? I don't know if there is one. All you can do is the best you can, and try not to take the insults and abuse personally. If it gets to be too much sometimes you have to step back. I am finally starting to get the picture that no matter how much I do, its not enough, and I'm just "being very selfish" because I can't do it all or be everywhere at once when my father wants me to. He tells me he is 93 and doesn't have to be nice anymore if he does not want to. Now there's an incentive to come over and help him, huh! All I can say is just know there are plenty of us out there in the same boat so when you want to run down the street screaming at the top of your lungs or crying, you are not alone.
I have finally realized, and it took a long time coming, that I need to step back a little, for my kids, for my marriage and for myself.

Nice to know it is a choice.