20 Warning Signs Your Parent Needs Help at Home

I am very blessed that I had a good conversation with my 88 year old dad about his living alone in his home for over 12 years. He realized on his own terms that he could not handle the house any longer and being blind in the right eye with macular degeneration, he could not drive his car carefully.

I noticed his house, particularly, the bathroom shower stall. He never cleaned the basin or walls. The laundry room was very dirty and in disarray and his mood was very angry towards me when I visited. He blamed me for not doing his housekeeping. He has emphysema, and poor circulation in both legs. After his rehab, we got him a new upgraded walker for better mobility and set up his oxygen service.

I found a professional assisted living community - Rock Spring Village, in Forest Hill, MD that has a caring staff and treat seniors with respect and dignity. Dad asked me to donate his car to the Maryland School for the Blind, which I did for him.

Knowing that he may have hurt himself in his house and while driving the car, he told me he is very happy in his new apartment and thanked me for my help. He is now getting three meals a day, housekeeping, and 24 hour nursing care. I visit him very often and offer as much help as I can. He hadn't hugged me in years until now... :)
As his only son, this was the least I could do for a man who sacrificed himself not only for mom and myself but for the country as a proud World War II Vet.

Dad does not have signs of dementia or Alzheimer's. I fully understand that other caregivers faced with these conditions have it very hard in trying to communicate with their loved ones. I would strongly say that if you can openly talk with your loved one and explain the hidden dangers they face in their homes alone and that it is no one's fault, you get professional help from a social worker or inquire about assisted living, as we did. Visit a couple communities and don't stop at the first assisted living community. Take a tour, ask the other residents how they like it there. Be cautious of co-op down payments or selling the house BEFORE your loved one moves in. If they decide to move out or pass away, you will have to wait until the apartment is leased until you get the escrow money returned to your estate. Check out the maintenance (is the upkeep in the apartment up to date..paint, heating, AC, etc.) and other services in the community (beauty salon, day trips to shopping malls or doctor appointments provided, etc.). Do Your Home Work! You and your loved one will be so much happier in the golden years.
I wish you all the best and God Bless!

Ed Baranowski

I read through all 19 points and whew!! so far our kids don't need to worry about my husband and me!!! I guess we haven't reached that stage yet. Hooray! :-)

My mom was a diplomat! She realized when it was time to not live alone in a short period of time once my dad passed away. We had the absolute honor and privilege of having her live with us. We were able, she was willing and it was a wonderful 3 years till she passed away. She gave up her car keys gladly! She contributed to the household insisting to pay rent (small amount) and help around the house where she could. She was 90-1/2 when she died. My memories will always be cherished of the time we had. It is however, very difficult when the parent is in denial, has dementia or is just plain stubborn. I would suggest day outings to assisted living places for lunch. Or if you can have them live with you, do a trial period of 3 months. Anything less then 3 months does not give the elderly enough time to evaluate for themselves. Do not sell their home until you know they really need to move on. Perhaps in home care would be better.

I agree with you, Dotty. If you can have your loved one stay within your household for as long as they feel important and have a good self esteem, do it. It doesn't work well if the in-laws don't get along with your side of the family, however, or mom or dad try to control your life again. Even though my wife and I never had kids, we cherish our private time.
Dad and I waited over two years until he felt he was ready to relinquish the house and car but he told me he gave it his best "shot". It was only because of his blind eye and failing eyesight he made this decision. Other seniors do not want assisted living because they are of a Proud Generation and do not want to give up their house and property they worked so hard for, unlike some of Generation X who were handed the keys to their new, already paid for,homes. Heck, I just recently had to apply to the VA to get dad enlisted for medical help if he wanted it. He never had his name enlisted or applied for benefits since he was discharged from the Army in 1945! Talk about Pride! The younger generation look at it as stupidity but that's why we are now number two in the world and China and India are neck and neck! We have a lot to learn from our grand parents! Hard Work and Pride made this country number one!

OK, I'm off my Rush Limbaugh soap box now - LOL!:)

Eddie Bo has some great suggestions and hints. In my own experience, when I noticed that dad was getting dementia, I started talking about the day 'when he would need to move out of the house' and took him to look at 3 assisted-living places on which I had done considerable research. He had all of the classic signs of dementia.....forgetting to pay pills, poor hygiene, forgetful, loss of interest in doing his former activities. He also had 3 strokes, needed a cane and was an accident waiting to happen, living alone in his 2-story colonial with stairs even to get to a bathroom. When he almost froze to death one winter afternoon in the garage because he could not remember how to unlock the car doors, and it was only a neighbor who heard him scream "help, help" that he began to admit that he could not live alone any longer. So, I asked him which assisted living place he liked best (so he would feel he had some choice in the matter), and I orchestrated the entire move and took over his financial affairs until he died.

I work for an organization that educates, advises, guides, and helps caregivers of loved ones with dementia stay in the community rather than be placed in facilities. We advise the caregiver to let the doctor be the "bad guy" by writing a prescription saying that the patient cannot drive. The patient blames the doctor and is not angry with the caregiver.

This just answered my question. At least I do not feel alone it what I have obseved in my mother in law however the conversation has not gone so well. I will ocntinue to try.

on the other side of that coin, dont give up YOUR apt till your sure, i made that mistake and i regret it bigtime. i gave up not only my apt, but my section8 as well ( stupid stupid stupid!!) now im stuck here..

My 93 year old mother in law, refuses to even have the discussion about having someone come in to help her. She also has not seen a Dr in years and will not see one now. The condo is dirty, her fridge needs cleaning and we want to help her stay in her condo, but when we ask to bring someone in to give us tips on how to help her, my husband got her to say ok but now we are back to the same old thing, she is refusing. What is a person to do?

If you are looking for a great resource to find caregivers, I would highly recommend ifindcare.com - they have compatibility matching that saves a lot of time.