Siblings in Denial About a Parent's Declining Health

My 87-year-old mother-in-law was hospitalized after a fall six months ago. She was diagnosed with early stage dementia and needed 24/7 care. She was moved into an excellent assisted living facility near her home. We live almost 400 miles away. My husband's brother is the only local sibling and has POA. During the past few months, we received updates from him and assumed that everything possible was being done for her. However, when we visited her three weeks ago, we were shocked to discover that my brother-in-law had not even bothered to bring any of her personal belongings to the assisted living center because he was convinced that she was not going to live much longer! We were horrified. We immediately brought her stuffed animals, pictures and clothes from home. We encouraged her to participate in group activities rather than sit in her room alone all day. We discovered that the staff had asked him to limit his visits because he was being verbally abusive to her when she asked to go home. We had wonderful visits with her without him present because we knew how to deal with someone with dementia. One of the staff commented that it would be better for her if she were in a facility closer to us. Although the local sibling has complained constantly about being overburdened by the responsiblity of caring for her and her home, he was upset by the suggestion that she be moved to a facility closer to us. We are planning another visit in two weeks and will participate in her care conference. Should we move her closer to us over the objections of the local sibling?

FairyLampLady, your sharing is touching. If you can swing it to bring dignity to your mother-in-law's care by moving her to a home closer to you and further away from her son who is thoughtless and insensitive to her needs, that would be a blessing in your mother-in-law's life, I believe. Your caring shines brightly. Your husband and his Mom are both blessed to have you in their lives. You're an earth angel. Some daughters-in-law would not demonstrate the compassion you have shown to your husband's family. May you always be as blessed as you have been a blessing in your husband's and his mother's life. Thank you for sharing your remarkable story. A real inspiration to me.

Part one of this really hits home. I take care of my mother who has dementia and my brother and his family who live far away never believed me. When they would come here once a year they always said it's not that bad. Then they came and my mom was so excited to see them it really drained her and they saw how bad she was (she didn't know who they were.) They finally believed me but now wanted to take complete control of all situations which is absurd and related to extreme control issues and big brother little brother issues. I told them what they could do to help and then they left and it's been about 8 months and no word from them. The thing that bothers me is that they are VERY high maintenance and when then come with their kids the whole world here has to turn upside down to accommodate them. In the process my mother gets very drained by all the work and excitement and gets "knocked down another level" so every time they come and leave she gets significantly worse once they are gone (like your article so clearly explained). These declines have been permanent. She now is convinced other people live here with us! It's almost better if they didn't come for the sake of my moms health, but they would never understand that... Is there any way to say to them that they shouldn't come because it is killing her faster that is polite and understandable to know-it-all controlling people:)?

do you think if they never came she would stay the same? I am sure the visits are disruptive but thinking she is going to stop declining if you stop them from coming is not realistic.(my mom thinks my sister should take her kids home but my sister hasn't got any kids). her thinking there are other people living with you may be inevitable.

But you can suggest things that would decrease the burden of the visits. Ask that they stay elsewhere so that your mom has more regular routine and quiet time, limit the kids interaction with your mother to shorter periods of time-she may find them stimulating but not non-stop living with them. tell them if the visit dates they suggest are bad, suggest timing that allows out of door time so people are not in close quarters when they visit. You also could suggest that not everyone come for the whole visiting time but maybe your brother comes before the rest of his family. on your end leaving your brother alone with your mother sometimes is advisable. I know you may feel protective of her but some one on one time with him could be eye-opening and enhance the dialouge between you. I have a bunch of siblings and each of them has had to make thier own way of making peace with the situation.

I think that is true for many that denial may be an issue. But, I think equally true is just some selfishness of not wanting to give the sacrifices of their own time and money. They know that someone else is there to do it. And simply don't care if you ever get a life. That's the sad truth. My sister is a nurse who worked with the elderly in a nursing home when she first began her career. She knows darn well what I go through. But, the most she wants to ever do is take mom for one or two hours every two weeks or so. Unless, she has her grand kids and is hoping she can bring them and I'll watch them for her as she makes promises to tend mom in the future. Which, would never come to fruition. Let's face it! There are many, many self absorbed, selfish people in this world who will take what they can with little given in return. Whether it be from parents, siblings or anyone else.

Letitgo --

My situation is so much like yours regarding the siblings. I moved across the country 2 years ago to live with my parents (82 & 87) to help out when they were ill. They're doing ok now and able to do most things for themselves.

Since I moved in, my 2 siblings have been coming from out of state to visit them about every six weeks. My mother goes into a frenzy of cleaning & cooking before each visit and wears herself out and makes life miserable for my dad and me.

I try to help when I can, but I have a full-time job and she'll often get up in the middle of the night to vacuum and mop floors for hours.

Then when my siblings get here, sometimes with spouses & sometimes not, it's a series of cooking and cleaning up 3 meals a day and sharing bathrooms & tvs etc in the not-made-for-7-adults house. By the time they leave, we're all exhausted.

Then a few weeks later, they call and give us the date of their next visit a few weeks away. I've told them they REALLY don't need to come as often, but they're insistent on "spending as much time as possible with mom and dad because they're not going to be around that much longer."

We moved my mother up close to us three years ago after several incidents. One being that she sprayed outside bug spray on her bed and couch that she slept on. So she was pretty ill from poisoning herself. Also she was not eating and would have food that set in the car for days then would bring it into the house and put it in the fridge to eat later. So my niece and I talked and decided it would be best if she was close where we could keep an eye on her but allow her to have as much freedom as possible. Well after we got her up here and got her meds straightened out and she started to get regular meals she is feeling better. She goes to seniors up here most every day and has friends that she talks to and who call her on a regular basis. Also she goes to Sunday School every week. But she has spells where she wants to move back to her town. She has dementia and cannot take care of things like setting her a/c or taking her meds. She can’t remember things from sometimes a couple of weeks ago to some times an hour ago. She gets on the phone and talks to my sister who is in Utah (we are in Oklahoma) and my sister will encourage her to go ahead and rent a house 3 hours away and not even have the courtesy or common sense to call me and let me know what is going on. My mother rented a house with no a/c, a wall heater and stinky nasty carpet and roaches. We didn’t know she had done it (she went down to visit). She finally asked us to go look at this “cute house”. It is awful! It’s in the 90’s here, no fan no a/c. I am very angry with my sister and niece for encouraging this when they have no idea what shape she’s really in because they very rarely talk to her and she can hide things when she wants somewhat like a small child. I know mom plays it up and tries to say that we’re gone all the time etc. Not true, I work from home a lot and we take her places on a regular basis and we fix dinner every night plus she has her friends and other activities here. When something happens I will be the one who gets the phone call. I haven’t known how to deal with this. I quit speaking to my sister and niece, it’s like they don’t want to admit that this once very independent woman needs help. So this article has helped, I’m going to call her Dr and discuss it with him. Maybe he can explain the dementia to them and they will listen.

IN-LAWS - I go thru my sister-in-law to tell my brother stuff. He can't deal with it.

I learned the hard way. Just looking after a neighbor for free for 5 yrs., when he got bad I spoke to 1 of his (all long distance) daughters about the situation.-she called me. The condo mgr. even tried to contact his kids.He'd fallen and cracked his skull open. I Finally, gave up and walked away after calling Family Services. The rich old selfish drunk finally ended up in a nursing home and recovered-after some of his kids showed up. In my case, the pain and time, I took to try to help him left me drained and unappreciated. I was more like a daughter to him than the ones he had. Never again with a neighbor for free-where I have no real power-family yes..

faux - I don't think that if they stopped coming she would never get worse, but I do think that she would not get worse as soon. They really drain her and after they leave she climbs into bed for 2 months! This is an immediate and direct effect of their visit.
I think that your idea about having them stay somewhere else is great. Imagine a family who will not eat the food here because it is not good enough (so they buy their own) or a family who will not sleep on our pillows (so they buy new ones every time they come) They say, "The house is filthy, you need to do a better job." I can go on forever... Meanwhile, I'm in my early 30s taking care of my mom who is 79. They think that being a care giver is the same as being parents.

I've asked just my brother to come and help for a week so I can take a break and his response was he has to work. Meanwhile they go on family vacations all the time. Them coming here is not a visit to sacrifice and help me but a vacation where they site see, stay here for the afternoon to talk w/ mom and sleep at night and leave for more tourist attractions in the morning.

ajl2001 - it's funny that you say they give you the dates that they are coming. It's the same way here, actually they tell my mom and obviously she doesn't remember. In their eyes, I'm just hanging out having fun with mom, they see no real work in it. I have no life, so they can come whenever it's convenient for them.