Elderly Parent's Outbursts and Anger: How to Get Help

If your situation is truly intolerable, Social Services may have to step in. The main thing is, don't waver. If you tell your abusive elder you are setting boundaries and you will call for help and then leave them for a time, do it. It may only take one or two times before the cycle is broken, though if the dynamics are life-long, it could take much longer.

You may need regular respite care to get away from this behavior often enough to take care of your own needs. One thing to be aware of is that many abused children become abusers themselves. This can carry over into elder abuse. Putting an end to this problem by setting clear boundaries, calling in reinforcements, and carrying through by letting others take over the caregiving role when you need respite, could be vital to you and your elder. You don't want to be a person who "loses it" after being pushed too far by a life-long abuse situation. You don't want to return abuse. If you recognize abusive feelings surfacing in yourself while you are caring for someone, get help. Stop the cycle as soon as you can by having someone else take over.

Occasionally, the situation is so severe that you, the caregiver, may need to turn your parents over to a guardianship organization. In that way, a non-family member is in charge. You can visit and see to as much care as you can without letting yourself become a victim of more abuse. This is a difficult step, but in some cases it's the only way out of the abuse cycle.

Counseling can help enormously if you find yourself in this situation. Turning your parents over to the care of others and then feeling guilty about it won't help you. Discovering the roots of the problem may. Caring for elders is hard enough when they are just cranky or demanding because of aging, loss, and health issues. When they are truly abusive, and the situation is long-standing, caregivers really do need help.

Detaching with love doesn't have to be this dramatic, but it can be. Either way, following through with detachment and setting personal boundaries could help you weather caregiving in a safe and sane manner.

Elder care author, columnist and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack is an AgingCare.com contributing editor and moderator of the AgingCare.com community forum. Read her full biography

Comments

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anne123

Give a Hug

Oct 23, 2010

Another gem from Carol! Thanks, Carol.

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Designhair

Thank you for this. But what about a spouse who resents EVERYTHING you do to care for your aging parent? I could definitely use some help with that topic!

Jeff

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vbraddy

I have both situations, My mom who is verbally abusive and a husband who resents the fact that I still care for her because she has always been abusive.... She monopolizes all of my time and he does nothing to help me... I wounder if anyone can help me with this one..

Good luck to you. My wife seems to think that if I do anything to help my Mom that it's a personal affront to her.

sta508

How about dealing with caring for your 88 year old 3x stroke Mother in Law who has THREE daughters who do nothing to assist or help but are the first ones to find fault and criticize the job that we are doing 24/7? And when they do call their mother it is nothing but 'I love you, I love you....' Oh and this has been going on for 18 months and we have had ONE night off!

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Bart

I think we must all reread this article. My mother has always been a neurotic matyr-finding fault with her daughters, trying to pick fights and make our lives miserable in subtle ways(because hers is). Mind you, she is healthy and independent at 80-thank God. My sister has immersed herself in yoga & is busy, busy, busy all the time and has learned to set boundaries-big time. Believe me, I'll be the one left holding the bag if anything happens to her. I have made poor decisions in my life wanting to please her. It's not worth it-it is my LIFE. I still have some learning to do and should have seeked counseling yrs. ago. I am trying to deal with her in my own way-like my sister has.

@ Bart,

I agree that we need to re-read this article. However, when it is not in your nature to be 'selfish' and an 'excuse maker', when does it become enough? I mean really, I am taking care of my mother in law who has THREE daughters. The only time they ever show up is if there is a free meal, holiday or to show up at the hospital. If she is going to be okay, they leave not to be seen again until the next issue!!! I just don't get it!!!

Dirk

Very helpful, article, Carol. It took me a while but eventually I realized that sometimes I just had to say No to unreasonable requests. That simple boundary has helped a lot. I can apply it without feeling guilty and it has definitely helped in my care of a wife with dementia. The other thing I did was not try too hard to get the patient to do what I thought was best for them.

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emjo

Good and realistic article. My mother (finally at age 97) was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I had made that diagnosis myself years ago. Life with her has always been a challenge and more so in the past few years as her needs change. She is 98 now and I have moved her twice in the past year at her insistence. The work of this has affected my health -I am 73. I told her I would not move her to another seniors residence - the next move would be to a nursing home (which she does not want but if she cannot manage where she is that is the next alternative). The demands and criticism from her for one thing or another are continuous. My sister either uses mother for a cheap holiday or does nothing. You have to let the criticism and demands slide off your back - the problem is her - not you, This is not easy but can be worked on, The article mentions the "child within" who still wants mother's approval.Yes, that is there, but has to be recognized for what it is and dealt with. As long as your parent's needs are cared for - not their whims but needs - like shelter, food. medical care etc you can learn to separate yourself from the constant fault finding. I remind myself periodically that life for her cannot be easy either. however that does not have to drag me down. Her continual crises do not have to be mine. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries - with some compassion, but avoid getting "sucked in". This is not easy. Someone on this site recommended the book and workbook "Stop Walking on Eggshells". It is helpful. Good luck to everyone.

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