"My parent won't wear adult diapers and it drives me nuts!"
This is a common topic for caregiver conversations. And I sympathize. However, the fact that the word "diaper" is used makes me wonder if the adult child's approach could be softened.
Therefore the first thing I suggest to the caregiver in question is that he or she practice the following exercise. I suggest that they say, out loud, "I will not use the word ‘diaper' in front of my parents unless I'm talking about a baby." Repeat as many times as needed, but get it down pat.
Change Your Vocabulary
Incontinence is a sensitive topic. Adults often rebel against the word "diaper," for good reason. The word "diaper" implies a piece of clothing used for a baby or toddler yet to be toilet trained. What adult would take kindly to this word when it's applied to them?
To take it one step farther, think about this. If you are a forty or fifty-something woman who has had children, you have probably, on occasion, suffered from "stress incontinence," meaning that you've leaked a little urine during a cough, sneeze or huge laugh fest. Perhaps you've even used a panty protector "just in case." How would you feel if your husband or friend referred to this little protection as a "diaper"?
Okay. First point made. Diapers are associated with babies. No adult, no matter how disabled, should be treated as though he or she were a baby.
This may seem like nitpicking, but please, call it a brief. A pad. Anything you want. Just make the word adult sounding and respectful, and you'll have mastered tip one on how to get your parent to wear incontinence protection. I ask you to do this not only for the elder, but yourself. Using respectful words will help keep your brain wired correctly, reminding you that you are caring for an adult who deserves to be treated as such, no matter what his or her disabilities.
See a Specialist
I'm aware that just changing the word you use isn't going to completely solve the problem. However, if you want to stir up a fight with a bull, just wave a red cape. The same could be true with an elder and the word "diaper," so I wanted to make that a strong point.
Most likely, you've taken your elder to the doctor to get assurance about this issue. After testing to determine the type of incontinence, there may be minor surgical procedures, and even medications, that can help with incontinence. Even if you've taken this step, sometimes a second opinion from a urologist is a good idea, as well.
Now that you are using respectful terms, and you know there's no medical intervention that can help, what else can you do?