Handling a Parent Who Doesn’t Want to Live in A Nursing Home

The advice given is excellent and sensitive. While the facility cannot substitute for home as a "place," sometimes the home pleaded for is an idea or a feeling rather than a piece of real estate. You can explore this by probing and " to "visit that home" with your parent.

Going Home. What does that mean to most of us? It means, I think, returning to a place where one is in familiar surroundings, with personal effects, one's own furniture, bath, kitchen and living room surroundings. Home is a place with which you are very familiar. No one is there except someone you know. To tell someone in a facility that "You are home" is somewhat deceitful, don't you think? Why not tell the truth? Why not say "This is the place where you are living now". Give it a name and tell them what it is.... a Nursing Home, an Assisted Living Home or a Group Home or a Hospital. If you have been truthful all your life with this person, they will expect you to continue to be truthful. Of course it hurts, but that's the thing about truth, it's painful. it's also about RESPECT.
Just what do you expect for yourself when your time comes? And it will, unless you die in an accident or have sudden death. Be kind, be truthful, respectful, loving, understanding and prepared for what is to come.... Now and at the hour of our death....Amen.

My father-in-law hated the assisted living when he first moved in about 5 years ago because he was in the beginning stags of Alzheimers. He was in a repite care apartment for the first month and called every night to come take him home. After the first month he got a 1 bedroom apartment that my husband recreated his "Den". He moved most of his files, pictures, desk, office chair etc. which made a world of difference for him being with all the things that he loved. Last month, someone moved their father in but bought all new furniture, etc.... and his father just wants to go home. Another lady moved in and her daughters brought her favorite pieces of furniture and pics and she seems pretty happy. Maybe it is good to surround you love one with things that will help make their room "look like home".

Truth or contentment? That's what is really important here. In our culture we associate truth with respect but in the case where you have an elderly parent incapable of understanding and RETAINING the concept that they are in the last stage of their life truth and respect don't go hand in hand. For me, respecting my Mom means making her feel loved, happy and as content as possible. If it means she lives in a state of denial then so be it. Making her face the "truth" would be cruel and make her deeply sad and fearful. I've dealt with a dieing uncle and now with my Mom about "going home". My uncle had terminal cancer and the last few months of his life he was convinced he'd go home, set up a wonderful wood shop and make hand crafted furniture. We let it be. We purchased wood working magazines, taped videos of New Yankee Workshop and had engaging conversations about wood, techniques, things he'd already made and places he visited. He enjoyed sharing his knowledge and we all learned a lot. His physician called me about him seeing a psychiatrist to help him go through the stages and accept his fate. What was the point? He was enjoying his life the only way he could. We knew the trught - the outcome and conspired to make his days happy. I think it's the most respectful thing we could have done and I'd do it again just the same way.

My mother is in assisted living and has just completed her 2nd month there. She had a bad fall and subsequent stroke in February. She is still sharp mentally although her cognitive reasoning is gone. She is demanding to go home, but she is a hoarder and the house is not senior friendly. My sister and I live in other states. Mom is turning angry and nasty and I believe will walk out of there under her own steam. We are at our wit's end and don't know what to do at this point. She is totally unsafe to be alone and because of the condition of the house, she cannot have live-in help.

Lynn what a great gift you gave your uncle-what he needed hope and peace and respect and contentment at the end of his life. I feel sad that my husband was told what he could not do what turned out to be the end of his life-your way is better.

Talk to an elder lawyer and get legal guardianship over your mother for her own safety. I am not sure if you can get guardianship, but an elder lawer would be able to outline your options, if nothing else.

My mother said she wanted to come home when she was in her last nursing home. I told her that her house was no longer there. She corrected me as to what she meant, "I want to go to your home." I always told her she would not die alone although several times she almost "escaped". The doctors did not want to operate on her kidney tumor because of her cardio-pulmonary condition, her hernia and emphysema. Her own mother, that she took care of in her last stages of life, went through radiation treatments using cobalt. Mom did not want that and refused twice to have a feeding tube. When I got her home, after losing 45 pounds in the nursing home, the first thing she said was, "It's so good to be leaving from home" and although these things just kill you to hear, I was doing what she said and the best I could. She was not ambulatory but we were together. We were honest with each other and I miss her more than I can say, but we never communicated in a superficial way. She was always adament about truth and owning up to whatever cards were delt you. Truth and love is what anyone ever wants.

This country needs to provide assistance for medicare and medicaid recepients in their home, their spouses home or their childrens home. PERIOD. It would solve a host of problems, patients that want and deserve a familiar surrounding, protection from abuse and the outrageous profiteering of nursing homes that simply have a bottom line mentality. We live in a country that is too busy to care. How sad it comes down to a convenience for corporate america and below standards of care of much less advanced countries.

my mother is 91, blind and wheelchair bound and wants to go back to her condo in Florida. She is in denial of her need for 24 hour supervision, laundry, cooking, medication. She wants control of the money paid to the home so she can go out to dinner and get her hair done, but she is unable to organize her financial affairs, and I am in another state. There is the Assisted Living Assessment tool on the internet which can help you think you are not crazy. Luckily the staff is supportive, despite her attempts to escape. I'm going to have her new doctor evaluate her, but I cann't control the fantasies in her mind of living on her own.