Understand They Have Flawed Pasts, Too
Try to be aware that your parents or your spouse were raised by imperfect parents. They often did all they knew how to do. That doesn't make abuse or neglect right. It doesn't make any of it okay. But understanding that they are human beings with flawed pasts – they were likely abused as children, themselves – may help you care for them, and appreciate them while you still have time.
Accept the Circumstances
Don't waste precious energy wishing things were different. Dramatizing or pretending only makes the situation worse. Believe in your own strength and grace. Once you've decided to take the role of caregiver, accept it and do the best you can with the situation. Live your life knowing that you are doing the very best for your loved one and for yourself.
Stay Positive
You can't control the past, but you can control your attitude. You have a choice every day regarding the attitude you will embrace. You cannot change the fact that people have…or will…act in a certain way. But you can choose your attitude. Even though it's hard, you can choose to be a "glass half full" person. With the right attitude, you control your destiny and happiness, rather them being driven by outside factors.
Seek Counseling
If you're still having difficulty knowing how to forgive someone who's wronged you in a significant way, you may have better success working with a therapist who can help you work through your feelings on a deeper level and personally support you through the process. Talking out your past with a trained counselor can be helpful. It can teach you the coping techniques to help you understand (but not condone) your loved one's actions, get you over the hump of resentment and help you move forward.
Bring In Outside Help
If you simply cannot find it in your heart to care for a family member who has hurt you, that's OK. Make the decision, accept it and move on. Don't judge or condemn yourself. You can still ensure your family member is well-cared for, without providing the hands-on day-to-day care yourself. Home health care and assisted living facilities can ensure your family member has a good quality of life.
On the AgingCare community, we see stories every day about elders who verbally and sometimes physically, abuse their caregivers. Yet, these dedicated individuals continue to provide care. The bottom line is: You cannot change, or control your elderly's parent's behavior. But you can control your own.
Do your best to forgive, if not forget, then let go and lighten your load. A grudge can be a heavy weight to bear. All you can is your best. Try to live each day to fullest, with love, gratitude and forgiveness.