It often seems that most women with straight hair want curly hair and most women with curly hair want straight hair. Above all, since our hair is a big part how we present ourselves to the world, we want it to express our personality when possible. Even though, as we age, some of the obsessive angst of youth can make us more relaxed about our looks, most of us, unless depression or some other illness sends us into an emotional black hole, want to look our best.
However, caring for an elder's hair – women are the major issue here – can be a challenge. For example, my mother-in-law, Alice, had been going to the same beauty shop for decades. The shop was situated in a woman's home and several steps led up to the door. The hand rails were sturdy, as were the steps. In general, the steps weren't a problem for Alice, even as she got less steady on her feet.
That is until fear took over. Her problem wasn't the physical inability to walk up the steps. Her problem was mental. She would physically freeze about half way up the steps, if I could even get her started. Or, she'd freeze half way down. Either way, we'd remain stuck in the middle, and it took a lot of prodding to get Alice to finish the climb up, or the decent down, the steps. The whole procedure became so stressful that we made a mutual decision for me to care for her hair in own her home.
I'll tell you up front that I'm not good with hair. For the most part, I'm a minimalist. Alice had perms, but her hair still needed washing and a daily curling to arrange it nicely. Over time, and with lots of humor thrown in, I did learn a few things.
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Humor
I said it above, but it bears repeating. Don't take it all too seriously. Once I got the curling brush tangled in Alice's hair and was terrified I'd have to cut a chunk of hair from the back of her head. I kept my cool, joking that she would have to withhold a tip since I was taking so long. I'm not sure she got the joke, but she laughed. I didn't clue her in on my fear, of course. I gently and carefully, over time and with the use of some spray detangler, was able to get the curling brush disentangled from her hair. I might add that I bought a smooth curling iron for our next session.
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Keep It Simple and Realistic
My mom once had lush natural curls (unfortunately, I got my dad's pin-straight hair). As Mom aged and her overall health declined, her hair got quite thin. Most women have some hair thinning after menopause, but mom's was more pronounced due to health issues. She also lost her curls. We had to find a hair cut that worked for her current, very different hair. The cut turned out to be quite short and a bit severe but it's all we could do. I'd have liked to have worked with it a bit to coax some curl into her look, but she had never used a thing for curl and refused to let me try.
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Detach from the Expectations of Others
I know some of my mom's friends thought I could try harder to make her look nice, but she was the boss. If she didn't want her hair curled, I couldn't make her do it. Her hair was kept clean and cut as well as possible, when she'd allow it. It was all I could do. thankfully, she loved her shower and hair washing until the end.
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Water and Room Temperature are Important
If you are working with someone who has dementia, you may find that they go from loving their hair washing time to fighting you when you try. If you have an occasional day like that, let the person win. No one that I know of ever died from skipping a hair wash. If this refusal is chronic, it's likely fear based or else something is making the person uncomfortable. Check the room temperature and water temperature carefully so that it's not shockingly cold or hot. This sounds simplistic, but your elder may be more sensitive to temperatures than you are. Test with your inner arm, your foot or a part of your body other than your hands, which have likely become used to hot water. Also, use baby shampoo so if some shampoo gets in the eyes it won't burn.
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Set a Calm Mood
If your loved one shows fear or confusion when you try to wash or fix her hair, only attempt it when you are feeling as calm as you can be. Distract the person first, if necessary, with some fun old photos or some old tunes on CDs. Play some music the person likes. Do your best to act like it is no "big deal" if you get this done or not. Your aim is to reduce anxiety.
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Get Help
If you find yourself getting very stressed over hair care, you may want to see if a local hair stylist makes house calls, or you can hire an in-home caregiver from an agency to see if that works better.
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Be Satisfied With Partial Results
There are "dry" shampoos that can be sprayed on hair and brushed through. Some are powder and some are foam. Also, there are hair deodorizers available that can keep hair smelling fresh.
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Celebrate Success
When you succeed even in a small way, make a big deal of the results. If she hasn't gotten afraid of "the stranger in the mirror," which is common with Alzheimer's, show her how nice she looks. If mirrors have become a negative, then just tell her she looks beautiful, even if you just got to comb her hair and arrange it.
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Reward Her
After you've done whatever she permits, have some ice cream together, or another treat. If she is able, tell her you want to take her out and show her off. Do whatever you can to let her know that staying as well groomed as possible is fun.
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Go Easy on Yourself
Each time may be different. You may have to give in some days. Do so gracefully. Know that perfection may not be possible, or even desirable. If you are really worried about health issues – say even dry shampoo and an occasional real wash don't work - then ask your doctor if he or she has more ideas. The chances are good that the doctor will say you are doing fine.
Author, columnist and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack wrote "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories" and is the moderator of the AgingCare.com community.
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