How to Deal With An Elder Who Complains Too Much

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You've taken your mom to the doctor and she's upset with you because the doctor's office was cold. You've helped your dad with the yard and he's annoyed that you didn't mow the grass in the right pattern. Why do many elders complain about everything you do?

Much depends on the parents' personalities throughout life. If your parents were the bickering type and were always negative, this complaining may be the only way they know how to communicate. They may not even be aware how their attitude affects others. Since you grew up in their household you can ask yourself, "Is this how they always acted?"

I'm not suggesting that their continued negative take on life, especially the things you go out of your way to do for them, is okay. However, realistically, you aren't likely to change their personalities. The physical and mental frustrations that go with aging are likely to intensify an already negative personality, so you already know what you are in for.

For some, however, this negative mindset or constant complaining is new behavior. Your mom was always sweet, almost timid. Now she's a bearcat. Your dad was always jolly and supportive. Now he's controlling and angry. When these changes occur, the adult child caregiver has a better chance to uncover the reason for the changed behavior and perhaps do something about it, so we'll look at those reasons first.

Medications Can Cause Personality Changes 

Just as an antidepressant can balance a person's body chemistry to help the depressed person emerge from a depressed state, an antidepressant can, if it's the wrong one for that person, make the person's illness worse. Thus, if your loved one has started an antidepressant, don't just assume things will get better. The drug may help quite quickly or it may take several weeks to have any effect. And that effect may be positive or negative. It's possible that this drug is the wrong one for the individual taking it, and will need to be changed.

Other medications can also have negative effects on personality. Anti-seizure medications, blood pressure medications, even anti-inflammatories can cause personality changes in some people. Drug interactions can also cause problems, so if your loved one has several medications, the combination should be checked by a pharmacist for interaction problems. Many an elder has been thought to have dementia, but once off all drugs, the dementia suddenly disappears. Drugs should always be suspect in sudden personality changes.

 
 

Comments

 
  •  Comments 1 to 8 of 8 
 
 

ecarediary

Give a Hug

Aug 27, 2010

Caring for a loved one is never easy. Someone’s entire life is going to change, and that doesn’t just mean the care providers’. Each family must navigate this process for themselves. And the aging parent or grandparent should be encouraged to participate in this journey as much as possible, and hopefully AVOID some of the frustrations.Taking the time to hear their needs, concerns and choices is vital to this process.

I also think it's very important to be patient, no matter how difficult or negative a patient might be. That ONLY works, however, if the care provider has a strong source of support to listen to THEM. Caregiving can feel endless and thankless, and without the right support in place, it's very common for the care provider to simply run out of steam and even to become sick. We MUST empower those among us who are tasked with the amazing responsibility of providing for our elderly -- they are in charge of our greatest treasures.

Susan

 
 

debbyl

Give a Hug

Sep 1, 2010

I was very relieved to read your comments about turning over guardianship to an agency. When my mother passed it was clear that my father was going to need help. However, he was impossible to deal with. This was nothing new, but it really became an issue. My brother and I live out of state and knew that we could not handle my father. The state assigned him a guardian and the difference is amazing. His finances and medical issues are being properly handled. Because he is now actually taking his meds, his attitude seems to be a lot better and he is able to stay in his home.

Until I read this article I did feel extremely guilty for having the state handling things even though I could see how much better off he is. Now that I know "that I'm not the only one" in this situation, maybe I can give myself a break.

Debby

 
 

megandale1959

Give a Hug

Nov 22, 2010

I take care of my Aunt(my mothers sister) She has always been difficult, she doesn't show love or says she appreciates me. It is something she NEVER learned through life, even though she is a RN psychiatric retired. So my biggest joke right now is..... The second shift called in sick again, I am tired(it's 10:30pm) Please can I put you to bed so I may go to bed. Her answer"When David Letterman is over" I run a nursing home for one....Hee Hee It isn't easy.. God's with me, Thank You God!(smile)

 
 

Annnieb

Give a Hug

Apr 18, 2011

I had to have a councilor tell me my mother was verbally abusing me! It changed so slowly that I didn't realize it happened. Now when she trys to push my buttons, I deflect her comments with a joke or ignore her. I tell her she had five minutes a day to bitch, and that she's used them all up!!

 
 

ojwalker

Give a Hug

Jun 20, 2011

I have a mother in the same nursing home that I work in and I am the DPOA for her and it seems that all she can do is complain about what the others have done wrong. because it is a small nursing home I have to do her care at times i get angry with caring for her because it seems that nothing is right. My sister is also with me on being the durable power of attorney but is never here so she is the good one and i am the bad one i get so tired of being on the wrong side and never right and hearing how everything is wrong. i do not know where to go next at times I get to where i can't sleep or do anything i just want to scream at times. Frustrated.

 
 

barbarac

Give a Hug

Jul 8, 2011

I am just using the works computer. my mother came out of hospital two weeks ago but every day she complains about everything that happened. My sister says that my mother has complained all of her life and that my mother feels that she must be the centre of the universe. I have got a list of 28 physical symptoms that my mother has complained about this year and she told them about her stomach and her ear at the hospital but they did nothing about it. i do not answer her back or stand up to her because she starts crying or gets sulky if i use the wrong word or tone of voice. I was under a doctor for depression because i do not wash or look after myself and our house is a mess because the majority of the time my mother is in bed. My mother is eighty one and i am fifty and have never had a life. my dad left my mum after twenty six years of marriage because of her complaining and he died when he was sixty nine. my question is can all this constant complaining cause all those physical symptoms?

 
 

eidolly

Give a Hug

Jul 8, 2011

My Mom feels as if I discount her opinion or take everyone else's side against her. I don't believe there are 2 "sides". When she makes a complaint or misunderstands a situation, I plainly tell her the truth. Because her memory is failing, she practically accuses me of lying. She was always a "bickerer" especially with my Dad, to whom she behaved very badly for as long as I can remember, until he became ill. I try to put aside my resentment( of how my loyalty to her diminished my relationship with my Dad.) Now, when she finds fault with me or constantly complains, it puts me on edge because her behavior to me is very like she was with my Dad, but with the added baggage of my being "too fat", too "wasteful", too "contrary" too "crazy over cleanliness and bathing" or whatever "flavor of the day" complaint it is. I know she is frustrated by her diminished abilities both physical and cognitive, but truthfully, I am both hurt and angry...There is no joy in caring for her as it is stirring up much of the angst of my pre-teen and teenage years when I felt fat, ugly and lived in a house of turmoil. It took a long time to unlearn my self hatred and at 57 years old, I am snapped right back. My husband has the grace to be understanding, but then he does not have the same emotional response as I. She even makes sly, passively critical remarks about him. We both try to please her, but she is a very difficult 91 year old. I think I need a caregiver's support group.

 
 

charlie123

Give a Hug

Feb 27, 2012

It appears our world is filled with people we love who appreciate us the least. My mother is 85yrs. old I am 48. Over the last few years I have felt the pain from being "the bad guy". I am an LPN who has received many thank you's from complete strangers I have taken care of , but sadly my mother cannot /refuses to utter those words. I pray a lot for patience. I feel very alone at times. I have a very supportive spouse who never makes me feel guilty for the time spent with my mother. I don feel the pain of those of you in the same boat.

 
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