How A Caregiver Can Respond to Insensitive Comments

I prefer a nice solid bitch slap......

Titmme, way to go! I had an old college chum e-mail me that she thought my life was stagnating and that I needed hobbies. People who do not walk this road dont' have a clue. But sometimes I have to agree with what the idiots feel because I did not want to give up my life and become a prisoner of the house. And at some point my mother will have to go to the nursing home because it will become too much with her PD but due to financial constraints we're trying to delay that as much as possible. Some people act like we just picked this life because we were bored or want to be thought of as a saint. NOT!!!!!

Kedwards460, people can be so stupid sometimes. Mom has Alzheimers and it is progessing fast. I took care of her in our home the past year plus working full time out of state. Do I want the title of saint or martyr...no, what I want if I had a choice would be to have the mom I grew up with back. We just moved her into Alzheimer/Memory Care living as she needs 24 hour a day care. No one has the right to tell you what they think is best for your loved one and unless they have experienced this first hand they really don't have the right to even offer an opinion.

titlme; Hope it works out with your mom in the facility. With my mom she is in Stage 4 of Parkinson's. It is becoming harder and harder for me to lift her esp. out of the bed. You wouldn't believe it since she weighs next to nothing but she's stiff and rigid and is losing control of her body. Spends all day slipping and sliding in her chair with me propping her up all day long. Now she's become OCD about mail sweepstakes. I've been good 99.9% of the time throwing the crap out so avoid the insanity but every once in a while 1% gets through and the obsession is awakened. Just a clue into the cognitive decline that comes after the phys decline of PD. I wish some of her so-called friends were here to witness this and maybe offer her and me some suggestions but they have flown the coop (except on b-days and X-mas time for the quickest visits you ever saw). One day at a time for us caregivers right?

I am the solitary caregiver for my 83 year old Mother who has Alzheimers. I have sibling but they all live out of state and are of little help.
My Mother recently had a week long visit from her younger sister who lives out of state. I took this opportunity to go on a much needed vacation.
Shortly after I arrived back from my vacation I received a letter from my Aunt.
She pretty much told me what I should be doing differently and what I was doing wrong. I have not responded to her letter because I really don't care what she or anyone else thinks.
I am the only one taking responsibility for caring for my Mother. It is very stressful and I have already had an anxiety attack that put me in the hospital. If other people want to voice their "opinions" then they should "put up or shut up!".

to: all alone - I understand you. When my mom broke her hip - my siblings thought I should leave her in nursing home. But she was still coherent most of the time and when she took rehab - the goal was for her to be able to potty by herself. When that was met I took her home. After 6 months, it got bad - AFTER THAT - it was horrible. My only help was my son who is bipolar and he did the best he could do.

We put her in a nursing home 2 weeks ago and I've yet to go see her. When I call I'm told she calls out for me all the time and wants me to come take her home. Some days she doesn't want them to help her dess or bathe - she insists I will come and do it. At home I was not able to bathe her nor wash her hair - as she fought me and I could not get her in bathtub and out due to fact I too am handicapped and need a hip replacement and have bulging discs so sometimes I'd have severe pain in thigh plus burning in my back just trying to dress her. She'd get mad saying I was too rough or not doing things right - hardly ever thanked me. I'D GET HURT, MAD and really started to dislike this DEMON that had possessed my mother! I finally accepted she's never coming back as she used to be - and I'm going to go downhill worse than her if I continue hoping that and causing myself physical and mental pain!!!

I dread going to see her for she'll want to go home. NOT TO HER HOME - but her Mommy's home whom she cries for and it's heartbreaking. I will not tell her she's deceased - I just say I'll take ya later today. Most times she thought I was just a friend of the family helping out - with same name as her DAUGHTER. So I don't know if it's me or the friend she's calling out for. It's just she got so familiar with me and my son being around past 14months or so and ther repetition of same people did sink in, though she sometimes thought he was a neighbor, friend OR HER SON.

I can tell staff at nursing home and some friends/family think I'm wrong for not rushing to see her. I tell them "you go", she won't jump onto you for her being there - it's me she's waiting to rain down accusations on. Oh yes, I rob her, sell her pain pills, eat all her food and let her starve???? That hurts though I don't beleive anybody believes it - she sure looks like she does - I'd hate for her last thoughts of ME would be hate - and I don't want her to pass with me hating her OR HER WAYS anyway. I'ved grieved so much, don't think I could even cry when she's gone - another thing for people to gossip about huh? Yes, they can put up or shut up - I don't give a heck what they think - I did what I had to do.

It's so difficult to see your loved one like that. I had help from a rep from "A place for mom" to find AL's in our area, and one thing she said to me was that we are all grieving as the person we once knew is gone. However, we are left to deal with the person they have become. Mom is now an unpleasant person who doesn't like anything I do for her. I have to sometimes step back and not visit as much so that I don't resent this woman. Only you know what is right for you and everyone else can take a flying leap!

Docketer, You do whatever you need to do to take care of your own well being now and don't feel guilty for not going in to see your Mother under the circumstances. You did all and more than you could to help her and that is good enough. Now be at peace knowing that your Mother's needs are being cared for and she will have to adjust. If you decide later that you want to go see her then that is your business and nobody else has a right to judge you for that.

I can see how this article can be useful for opening up opportunities to get some help with caregiving and or respite, but sadly most of us who have tried this end up getting left in the dust. It's really a sad state of affairs when one cannot count on genuine human kindness and loyalty from family and friends but that's what the majority of us live with day in and day out. For the ones who do have the exceptional friends or family members this is a good article.
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(¸.•´ (¸.•` ¤ Chirp Chirp Cricket Hugsღ

Where can i go for suggestions on how to deal-with an aging mother-n-law who has a manipulative & sly way (with a smile of course) of tryiing-to "slam" me, even tho i do all i can to help with her medications, her health & wellbeing, etc. It's almost as if she's rebelling against me. This is a first for me...dealing with the "role reversal" and having to be the person who gives guidance and directiom to someone 40 yrs older than me. Her sly indirect slams are getting-to-me, which is detrimental to my mental status, Positive suggestions greatly appreciated. Melanie

I love the people who give me a little punch in the arm and tell me to 'hang in there.' Of course they never offer to help out in any way. Or what about the strangers who berate you for 'shouting' at the person you are trying to help (they cannot hear well, so I have no choice).
Even worse are the people who always ask about the cared one, but never ask about the caregiver.