They say hindsight is 20/20. If you could go back in time: what would you now as seasoned caregivers say to your novice self about how to be a caregiver?
As a seasoned caregiver of multiple elders, I can choose to torture myself with my perceived failures at being a perfect caregiver, or I can choose to forgive myself for being imperfect, and recognize that I did the best I could at the time. You have the same choice.
Much like an adult who realizes that he or she has a "wounded child" living inside – a child who suffers from unearned self-blame or low self-esteem because of life events – many adult caregivers carry the guilt from their "infant" caregiving years to their grave. They spend precious time thinking about how they should have understood someone's needs better, could have been more patient, would have done any number of things better, if only they knew then what they know now.
The very people who take on caregiving roles are often the most sensitive to other's needs. Many also tend to be overly sensitive in other ways. Let's face it. Whatever we do as caregivers seems to be wrong in the eyes of some lookers-on, generally people without all of the facts, and often people who couldn't do what we do no matter what. Still, we are sensitive to their judgment.
We can decide not to be bothered by criticism from the outside. The problem is, we often aren't aware that we are judging ourselves even more harshly than outsiders may judge us. This is particularly true in retrospect. We look back and beat ourselves up for slips, real or imagined, because we were novices and didn't know what we know now.
What tips would you give yourself if you were starting fresh? You'd do your research, of that I'm sure. Government websites such as the Administration on Aging, the National Institutes of Health, plus disease specific websites and support sites such as AgingCare.com, all offer a wealth of information. Also, you'd use your local resources for in person support. You'd call your community Alzheimer's organization, your Area Agency on Aging and watch for educational workshops. You'd take advantage of help that is available.
What Comfort Would You Give Your Novice Self?
You went into caregiving out of love and didn't have the education to cope with specific issues, so you made mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes. Move on.
Believe that if your care receiver could be the person he or she was before getting ill, you would be told, "job well done."
Remember precious moments rather than perceived mistakes. Remember the intimate times – times that remind you that you were fulfilling an important calling. Remember that you made a difference. Write yourself reminders of those rewarding times and read the notes when you start criticizing your earliest caregiving blunders – or even later ones.
Understand that imperfection is human, and your best was – and still is – good enough.
Please forgive the suffering caregiver inside of you as you would a friend. Again, I say you did your best given what you knew. Give that novice caregiver a spiritual hug, and a pass for being imperfect. If you do, you'll leave room for your brain to focus on loving moments with the people you took care of.
Move on from self-imposed blame and admire yourself for stepping into the difficult role of being a caregiver and seeing it through to the best of your ability. What's important in not what you did wrong along the way, but in the end, what you got right.
If you could go back in time: what would you now as seasoned caregivers say to your novice self about how to be a caregiver?
Author, columnist and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack wrote "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories" and is the moderator of the AgingCare.com community. Read her full biography