Preventing the 5 Kinds of Elder Abuse

Thank you for this article. My mother was a victim of elder abuse at the hands of her youngest that moved into her house - - - the worst part was attempting to get anything done about it.

My mother sadly lost her home, all of her possessions, all savings and nearly lost her life - she was sent to the ER. My sibling called me and told me that my mother was "gone".....when I checked it out with paramedics, I found out what hospital she was taken to. My sibling had introduced her friend/neighbor as my mothers other daughter and told the ER nurse my mother was out of it and that she (the sibling) had POA - although my mother was conscious my sibling said DO NOT RESCESITATE..... It was horrible, sad to learn the extent of what my sibling had done. All the signs were there- - -sadly no one would help until the whole thing blew up.

My mother now lives with me and is doing just fine 6 years after the event. The moral of the story is that if your parent is important - save them first - money and property may be lost, but you will never forgive yourself if you don't take action. YOu would be shocked at the lines that people will cross sometimes, I know I was.

My sister verbally and financially abused my Mother. Never would I have believed this till I saw it. I had to take action and it was hard and it of course broke any relationship with my sister and her family. But breaking them with was freeing knowing their depth of psychological breaks, incapacity for empathy, lack of moral fiber, and depth of cruelty and self absorption. My Mother is doing well now. Surprisingly, I find myself in the role of Cordelia, the youngest for so long. With one sister dead and the remaining due to elder abuse... all but dead. But how horrible a break. She can no longer talk to my sister except in public spaces, and can no longer trust her at all. The offenses were great and the family losses were great - we used to label ourselves as a happy family. Why do people throw all the goodness out of their lives with both hands! I really related to your line that suddenly with my Mother elderly and alone.... "you would be shocked at the lines that people cross sometimes"... well said.

"you would be shocked at the lines that people cross sometimes"... well said.
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Have you noticed how those same people don't cross those lines until the elderly one gets a bit on the feeble side? They're bullies. If you think back, think hard, those same people probably displayed those same personality traits earlier in life toward some people but waited until the parent was less than 100% to make a move on them.

"Friends" of the family (I use that term loosely), are harrassing my parents, and have manipulated them to get all sorts of "generosity" dispersed to them. It irks me to no end because I see what this couple does to my mom (and she's diagnosed coherent). I basically stopped the "generosity" train when I got power of attorney and whhoooeee has this couple been relentless.

I'm one step away from taking legal action. I put in writing several times do not contact my parents. They are from my parent's church and have the "appearance" of doing good for the elderly, but in reality... I'm just so not going there! The folks from the church are people I know, etc so I tend to watch how I tread because some of these folks have helped.

How do you go about from stopping money grubbing kniving persistent little sneaks? I have to play nice with people from the church, but at the same token lay down the law without it really getting back to my parents (mom really). OY!

Mitzi, have they tried getting them to sign over their house to them yet? Some church groups have that as a goal. It's rotten to the core but sounds like you're on your way to stopping what they're doing.

I know of one episode where a child took this drastic action, but it worked. That offspring went to the church, asked to speak for a moment, then related in a nice way what some people were doing without naming names. They also stated they wanted it stopped before it went any further. It worked.

It takes nerve, but sometimes nerve is all a caretaker has going for them.

No, but here's a general jist of what happened (nothing concrete but all points toward):

1) didn't come around a whole lot until dad had stroke (mom now house-bound)
2) my mom gave her $500-$1,000/wk or month to be mom's whipping post (they didn't know it)
3) this couple (meaning the wife), gave my mom all these crazy ideas (ie. when dad couldn't drive told my mom she could give him direction on how to drive so she wouldn't lose her independence - mom did it!!)
4) when I cut them off after my parents got into assisted living they have been relentless in trying to communicate with my parents.
5) I put in writing several times not to communicate with my parents and that "it would not be beneficial to communicate with my parents" (as they thought it might be)
6) Now they are using people from the church to drop off letters or packages to my parents. I haven't seen items yet, but they will do this according to a message from this couple.

If this last one happens, I am going to the church pastor (I grew up in this parochial school which makes it much harder), then I'm going to our attorney. I have not returned this couple's calls. The Rev. who was in charge of visiting shut-in's retired and interestingly enough when I talked to him once he mentioned how this couple was badgering him over how my parents were doing, etc. Did not say relentless said "badgering".

I'm at wits end with this couple. I guess I hate the appearance of being the bad guy, but in the end I'm always vindicated publicly. It is also hard for me to go to the church (still debating), because I have no "solid" evidence, its just a lot of little things. They will look at me like, "So they want to minister to your parents, what's the problem?" And I'm just going to feel like ripping their heads off.

I also noticed that when a Christmas card got through with a letter to my mom (with this couples phone number plastered all over it) she started her back to normal crap and it became a new issue of control with my mother. I don't want this couple in their life and I don't care if they have been friends for 45+ years.

This couple can't afford a pot to pee in, they have crap stacked all over their house that they have a pathway to get to their bed, kitchen etc and "suddenly" within the last couple of years they got a new car???? Oh please.... no one buys people more than my mother. I could tell you stories til the cows come home, but this is just flat out annoying. This woman is a strong A-type personality (as am I), but short of physically knocking her out, I'm at a loss what to do. The attorney stated I can get a personal protection order, but truly I'm not really sure what good it will do. The woman ignores every freaking request known to man. I even put it point blank with the statement, "Are you really friends or is it something more?" WOW did I get a letter about that.

Anyway... thanks for the vent and any info.

MitziPinki -

if your parents are in an assisted living facility, have a talk with the Administrator and DON...advise them about this couple, and also ask to meet your local state ombudsman at the facility. This is not going to be surprising to them, and if you enlist them to help you, you can save your parents alot of heartache.

Document all of these meetings in writing, and get signatures / names. What you can do is minimize the impact of these people. Once you have done that, invite the church minister to the facility for a follow up meeting and discuss in front of the Administrator, Ombudsman and DON (she will be your ally - which is more important than the social services staffer) your concerns and need for this parish's help in protecting your parents. You need to get people on your parents side who can help by keeping their eyes open.

Generally one way to victimize, or exercise undue influence over seniors is doing exactly what you wrote about - so if it is all one big happy family, with many people involved with the seniors, it makes it less easy to manipulate them. If the couple is simply dysfunctional, it will be recognized and managed by the staff - if they are manipulative for some type of gain, they will not continue with additional scrutiny unless they are sociopaths - in which case, you will be able to document why they should be prohibited from the facility....

take care, it is not easy walking the line between wanting your parents to have friends and a social live, and protecting them from potential harm. There are thousands of cases like this every year - so don't let yourself become isolated & angry - stay upbeat and reach out to all for help.

best,
Cat

Well Cat, this happened prior to my parents going into assisted living, so its a little more challenging to handle this. This couple has been "close" friends with my parents for 45+ years. When I stayed with dad for three weeks prior to them going into assisted living that's when I discovered what was going on. Mom kept all the trash as friends and kept those who honestly loved her away. Personally, I wouldn't expect anything less.

I did talk with the administration and we actually have a photo they requested I submit to them to watch for this couple "just appearing" for a visit. I've kept all the communication with dates and stamped envelopes to track information.

I now have an appointment with an attorney to see which needs to be done, a personal protection order or a restraining order. I have already talked to the church and apparently the "church" talked to this couple because I received a "direct" letter told not to use the word badgering or relentless when communicating with them and they will still wait to hear from me about going to see my parents.

I'm not sure what part of do not communicate they do not get... anyway, I digress. The only ally that has actually seen behaviors and such is my husband and all I can do is deal with this as we go. My husband believes I should let this couple visit my parents to get more on them and I'm like NO WAY!! It would just trigger mom and send her backwards emotionally. What you have to understand about my mother is she performed for different audiences accordingly. The people she associates with at church see the one side I will never be able to prove to them. They will some day have to experience mom for themselves.

I appreciate the info. I will keep in touch on this. Can't wait to have another attorney! LOL I live for drama... NOT!

My mom is being financially abused by a "friend," who she now calls her "new family." She is totally isolated by said friend from real family, and told we were "abusing" my mother, and had her phone bugged. They told her not to use her own telephone anymore, and that she needed to stop talking to her family. This person is getting paid at least $100 per month to drive mom to appointments. Her family was doing it out of their own pocket. Who's abusing who?????

Wow, Mitzi! I feel for you. Guess we have more in common then previously thought. I'm on the same path as you now.

I am not waiting. I found out about it today, and talked to the State Police today. We already had one parent lose his home over a financial abuse issue. Now they are working on my other parent. This same person told the authorities we were abusing mom. We can account for every penny! Now she's getting paid (and mom is OK with that). Already, thousands of dollars of antiques and silver have been given away. Now, another $100, plus $60 is going out to be "protecting" my mom. Some protection. And the guardian tells me it's court sanctioned. Time for a new lawyer, too!

WHAT IF A SISTER AND BROTHER CAME IN AND TOOK ALL THE FANANIAL STUFF, AND LIED ABOUT THE CAREKEEPER, AND THERE THE ONES WHO DID NOTHING , AND ALL THEY WANTED WAS THE MONEY THERE MOM HAD,
AND ALL THE CAREGIVER SISTER WANTED WAS SOME HELP SINCE SHE WAS HAVING A HARD TIME WITH HER HEALTH, AND NEEDED A BREAK AFTER YEARS OF NOT HAVING ONE AND FROM THEM ALWAYS FIGHTING ABOUT THE BACKING ACCOUNTS, AND THIS IS VERY MIND BOTTLEING ALL THE TIME, ITS HARD DOING EVERYTHING WITHOUT ANY HELP AND BEING LSFT OUT OF FAMILY AND KNOW SUPPORT FROM ANYONE,

THE CAREGIVER NEVER HAD KNOW REASON TO BOTHER WITH THE BANKING ACCOUNTS, BUT THE OTHERS WERE JUST JEALOUS AND SINCE THEY WEREN'T DOING NOTHING FOR THERE MOTHER FELT GUILTY, THEY THOUGHT THEY WEREN'T GETTING ANYTHING, SO THEY NEW THERE MOM WAS GETTING OLDER AND USED THE START OF DEMENTIA TO GET TO THERE MOTHER, AND TURN ON THE SISTER WHO TOOK CARE OF THE MOM ALL THE YEARS,

WHAN SHE DIDN'T DO NOTHING WRONG, BUT TAKE CARE OF THE MOTHER THE BEST WAY SHE NEW HOW, WITH THE HEALTH PROBLEMS SHE HAD, AND HAD NO HELP AT ALL FROM THE MOTHERS DAUGHTER OR SON, WHEN ASK SEVERAL TIMES,

ALL THEY SAID TO PUT THERE MOTHER IN A HOME, AND THEN THE MOTHER BLAME THE CAREGIVER DAUGHTER FOR THAT, IF IT WASN'T FOR THE DAUGHTER WHO WAS THE CAREGIVER, THE MOTHER COULD OF BEEN LEFT IN HER HOME AND THE OTHER KIDS WOULD OF LEFT HER WITHOUT FOOD AND SHE COULD OF FALL AND THEY WOULDN'T OF EVEN NEW IT, , BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T EVEN BOTHER WITH HER, THATS WHY SHE CALLED THE ONE WHO IS TAKING CARE OF HER NOW,
WHAT DOES A PERSON DO, WHO BEEN BLAME FOR DOING SOMETHING SHE DIDN'T DO,
BUT THE ONES WHO DID. THEY TOOK ALL THE STUFF, AND NOW THEY DON'T EVEN BOTHER NOW WITH HER AS FAR AS I KNOW,, SO THAT'S ALL THEY WANTED, SO THEY GOT THERE MONEY AND I STILL HAVE MOM, AND I STILL HAVE NO HELP AND I'M STILL HAVING ALOT OF MEDICAL PROBLEMS AND MY MOM NEEDS MORE HELP AND I NEED HELP TO TAQKE CAREOF HER,

THERE IS ONE THING, I HAVE BEEN ALWAYS ASKING FOR HELP, AND I DONE WHAT I COULD, THEY WANTED HER IN A HOME BUT THEY DIDN'T GO THREW WITH ALL OF IT, AND I WAS IN BAD SHAPE AND THE LADY WAS TO HELP ME DIDN;T AND I DIDN'T HAVE KNOW WHAT I NEEDED.