What do you do when you are in such a situation and want to get out?
A lot depends, of course, on why you are in the situation in the first place. Most caregivers intend the best for the people they are caring for. They don't go to classes to find out how to navigate the elder care system, the financial burdens, the Medicare and Medicaid mazes. They take on the responsibility out of love and/or need. Or they are in such a state themselves, with dependent children and no job or money that they move in with a parent – even an abusive parent – and don't know how to get away.
If you are in a sticky situation, but one where finances have been kept separate and a lot of planning and forethought went into it, your main problem is guilt. You promised to make this work, but dementia or just plain stubborn behavior on the part of the elder, is putting a strain on your marriage. It's time to let go of the guilt and make other arrangements. It's time to acknowledge that you did your best, and now you will, promise or not, talk with the elder and explore options such as assisted living, or if necessary, a nursing home. You lived up to the spirit of the promise. You tried. Now, it's time to move on.
However, if you are in one of the stickier situations; one where you went into it in good faith, but the mingled living patterns and money patterns have become a financial and emotional nightmare, you may need legal help to get it straightened out. An estate attorney or elder attorney may be needed. I know, that's expensive, and in these cases the cost may prohibit hiring your own attorney. You may have to go through state legal aid. But if you are in this type of situation, you need professional help to sort though the options – financial, legal and moral – so you can get on with your life.
The sooner you get the financial situation straightened out, the sooner you will be able to make other decisions. What belongs to Mom? What belongs to you and the kids? What kind of care can you get for Mom while you work at a job that not only gets you some financial independence, but temporarily gets you away from your mom's bad temper? What kind of help do you need for your kids? Do they need counseling because they are too young to understand the verbal abuse handed out by a once loving grandparent who now has Alzheimer's? Do you need help from social services or your kids?
In many instances you will need to contact social services in order to get help for the elder. In the process, if the situation is bad enough for your children, they may be able to help you find separate living quarters.
It would be wonderful if someone could wave a magic wand and fix the problem. Make Mom well. Get you a good job so you could move out. Have your kids totally understand the confusing nature of their lives, without professional help.
But that's not realistic. The kids may need counseling. You my need it too. Perhaps, you can still cohabitate with your elder, but you will need to have help doing it. Or perhaps you need help getting out of the mess you are in. Whatever the case, living in a situation that everyone hates is not doing anyone any good. Not you. Not the elder. Not your children. The only way out is through. That means anxiety, work and determination. But you can do it. It's the only way your life will change for the better.
Elder
care author, columnist and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack is an AgingCare.com
contributing editor and moderator of the AgingCare.com community forum. Read
her full biography.