How to Handle Inappropriate, Dementia-Fueled Outbursts

I live in FL and my Mother lives in NC with dementia. She now lives alone in an apartment. I had her in an ALF but they put her out because I could not afford the private pay and she was NOT eligible for Medicaid. She is over the allowed limit by a few dollars. She was not allowed to be placed into the dementia 'special care' unit because she does not WANDER (which Medicaid would pay for). I can't afford a daily caregiver. I have people check on her,but that is only temporary until I can find a caregiver. (they are doing it as a favor). MY QUESTION IS: WHAT ARE WE, PEOPLE WHO AREN'T RICH OR HAVE THE MEANS TO PLACE OUR SICK PARENTS TO DO WITH THEM? She doesn't fit the criteria for assistance from Medicare. She is on several list for adult day care. I am at wits end. If anyone has any more suggestions, please comment. I have called EVERY agency in Guilford county for help that I know of.

We need some kind of national senior care to cover this gap or else some kind of pay for stay at home cargivers. I thnk something similar was part of Pres. Obama's original election plank. Othe countires seem to manage. I guess it has to do with where the tax dollars are spent.

I agree there ought to be some sort of government help but I'm not holding my breath. The only thing I can think to do is turn them over to Adult Protective Services and let that government agency deal with the problem.

i agree - don't hold your breath. Government funding. We used to have large families so in many cases someone was always around to take care of older relatives but society has changed. Now eveyone in the family works - of you are lucky enought to have a job! Some philsopher once said that you can tell the quality of a civilization by how it treats its old people. Sadly, we seem to be getting worse in that respect. Insitutions are very costly and I think they aren't the best answer unless absolutely necessary - but they are a big industry now.

I have noticed that My Mom's Outburst often were "triggered". If you can figure out the "triggers" try to avoid them.
An example: My Mom often gets confused about who I am, my relationship to her. She recognizes me by sight, she knows my name, infact, I asked her if she knew my name, and she said, of course I do... I'm not stupid and she said my name without a pause, but, If I call her "Mom" all Heck breaks loose. She says I'm a liar,why do I tell people that and she won't talk to me and walks away. So I call her Helen now, but I have to remind myself of this naturally out of habit I automatically call her "Mom". Funny too, she always remembers anything that pisses her off, but she can't remember things like if she ate lunch. I have noticed as well, anything dramatic or emotional sticks in her mind like glue!!!!
Another example: she's very possesive of her things and I'm the one she recalls moving and touching her things, so I never touch her things at least when she can see me (sometimes it's nessasary). She escorts me out of her room and tells me "it's MY stuff... go"!!! So I go.
Oh and she hates when I act like I am HER MOM, basically any thing that indicates she NEEDS me, or threatens her independance. She can't in (OUR) reality have independance, but, "SHE" dosen't have to know that. I let her think she's right, she's the boss, whatever works, now I never correct her, whatever thoughts are "her" reality, I go with it. So I make sure If I need to talk to staff about her, she dosen't hear or see anything.
Going to a store may be stressful because scenery has changed and familiar routine is comforting and not confusing as well as noise and to much going on disorientate someone with dementia. When she was living with me I took the same route to work everyday and I would drop her off at the aids house this became our routine, on my day off she was restless and disorientated (she knew the house just was uncomfortable and restless), I couldn't get anything accomplished. I see this all so clearly now, but, at the time I was clueless, as to why, and this was my down time and also when she was in escape mode, due to lack of stimulation. Her routine was not sitting in my house it was running errands with the aid. So if you try to stick to a basic routine you'll have less outrageous behavior.
Meds need to be taken properly and routinely carefully monitored. This alone can screw up the mental state. My Mom who I swear was swallowing her pills somehow ditched them and I'd find them in odd places, she knew enough to hide it from me. I said it before and I'll say it again Dementia and Stupid are 2 very different.
I figured out how to tell if she's stable too. Her favorite thing of all is ICECREAM she wuvs it!!! If her medication is the reason and it's not her dementia making her act funny... I can tell by asking her one simple question.... "Do you want Icecream?"
If she says no, something is Very Wrong!!!! I'll ask again to make sure she is really just not in the mood, which is never, or that she heard the ? correctly and say "are you sure?" If it is the meds that are the cause of her unstablity, she gets angry, as if I had asked her to eat worms and she makes a funny face. I explained this to her psychiatrist and she hasn't been unstable since. Begining a new med and weening off meds create mood swings and odd behavior. I learned the hard way but I am glad I have the ability to share what I've learned with others, and I'm still learning too.

Thanks for sharing your personal story- it sounds like you have found some great ways to assess your mom. I love the 'do you want ice cream?'. Good luck and try to find a support group for you! Your local Alzheimer's association might have a group you can join.

I agree with wvs. I have been in everything you said. Mom is very attached to me. At the beginning that I have to go the grocery store or have an appointment (sthink take me more than 1/2 hr) she didn't eat nothing sometimes until next day. Even when caregivers brought her a tray w/ food. One day I told her "Ok you don't want to eat, well I'll eat because I'm hungry" in front of her. Since tht day whenever I came back (I try to eat w/her) after she tells me that I've let her alone the hold day (it could be 1 hr) and other words I can't write here, she seats down and eat. I have figure out that they are like children that you have to try them w/love but firm and not giving them any chance to keep angry like to give reasons that they cannot understand.

I often leave a note when I go out and leave my mother. I think it reassures her and reminds her where I am and how long I'm expected to be gone - even if its just 1/2 hour.