Elders & Sex in Retirement Communities—Who Decides What's Proper?

This is a hugely difficult topic most of us younger family members don't want to address. When my Dad (who had mild dementia at the time) announced he was getting married to a woman he met just four months prior, our family was split.

My sister was sure that this woman was just taking advantage of my father. She was closer to them and was seeing subtle clues.

In my phone calls with my father, I heard that he was lonely. Companionship seemed like a good thing.

My Dad thought that this new relationship would be just like his 45 year marriage to our Mom. He had no clue that his intended had major emotional problems. After the wedding, she would claw at his face whenever he wouldn't agree with her.

The divorce was messy because they did not have a prenuptial agreement.

It's not just the right to have a loving relationship with another human. Often, the legal and financial implications are thorny, too.

CK Wilde

Ms. Bursack and Ms. Wilde each raise valid points. Sex between residents in nursing homes as been an issue for years. Over ten years ago at a dinner with a dozen directors of nursing and nursing home social workers the topic came up.

At first I thought "So what? We're talking 80 year olds. They can't get pregnant and the companionship might be beneficial." But I was naive.

The moral, safety and legal questions are substantial. The financial issues can be, too. The situation with Ms. Wilde's Dad proves the point. Unfortunately, it occurs more frequently than most of us realize. Like so many other elder care issues the family bears the emotional burden in silence. They simply don't know who to turn to for direction and support.

The need for close human companionship is a lifelong need. For many elders, the same is true of their sex drive. Seniors in nursing home and assisted living will continue to seek to satisfy those drives.

Emotions will be high on this topic. I'm very much interested in the legal and financial lines that get drawn. Should make for some fascinating discussions.
Thanks, Ms. Bursack for mentioning it.

Martin Sabel
Mr. Eldercare

I think that it should be allowed for them to do whatever they please who's business is it to tell grown adult people if or how they should show affection.

I don't want to think about the financial complications and arguments that could develop between families if one family's 90 something year old dad marries another family's 90 something year old mom. And we caregivers think there are enough problems already!!! Cheer up - nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!! :-)

Just mild kissing, hugging, holding hands while they are setting or walking and talking just a companionship. If they say we will get married. JUst make arrangement with two family, pretend they will married. That's all not really married. And they missed their wife nor husband that's all and they thought they still young at heart. Don't worry at least keep on eye with them.

I'm 54 y/o and living in a nursing home...many times it has crossed my mind but instead I always end up masterbating in the end..Most of the women here are old enough to be my mother but then again there are a few (Very few) that are around my age..But thier minds are still thinking "Why am I not in school"? So here I am at a catch 22.. The Nursing staff I'm gonna guess 99% if not all are married and I in no way wanta get involved in that sorta situation. All I can do is sorta grin and bear it... Sex in my eyes is a has been altogether...