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If "parenting" the parent is a debatable word, then establish a new one that encompasses the care given by today's caregivers in a complicated world. I think "caregiver" is more a definition of the house duties (eg: cooking for, assisting with dressing, basic medical assistance, ect), like a nanny. "Parent" was a role taking care of legal and business matters in addition to the caregiver duties. So, if "parenting our parents" is not a satisfactory phrase, then come up with a new one for those of us who did all the tasks for the relative considered our parent. *MaryDalli* and I would like to know what it was that we have done all of these years. It appears that those who applaud this article had responsible, logical, mature, real --- Parents! But, some of us did not. Ours has been a lifelong task, even when we were minors. Acknowledge our efforts with a new term please.
Great article! I find myself in conversation with my Mother about her credit cards, her debit card, her bank account, her checkbook, paying the rent, paying bills... she's still used to being independent, but can't seem to perform financial activities. I've been handling her finances for years. Over the past 5-6 years, I moved from writing out her checks with her (unstable hands) to just writing out checks myself, mailing or paying bills online. I now pay almost everything online without her input, (I'm her POA), and grabbing her checkbook to pay the rent every month. She's grateful and at the same time, resentful that I have so much control over her finances.
I think the real role reversal that so often takes place is the adult child becomes the emotional child once again which abusive parents want, but no parent really needs much less others connected in the drama.
Yes, you are so right! AND It is hard as their child, to escape that role, as an adult. I need to be an adult in this situation, taking care of the house, the meds, the lawyers, the money, the bills, and the parents. But there is this lingering old role of "mothers-child". Ah, somedays it is hard to be who you are and not who you were, and always, always, know where the cat is...
Well I appreciate what you are saying but have had difficulty because of my mother's lack of input into my life when I was a child. My mother was never the nurturing kind. So fixing her food, bringing it to her and tucking her in at bedtime which is now commonplace for me to do for her, was never part of the equation for me when I was growing up. So in this sense I do feel I am parenting my parent. Even sitting together or across from one another to talk together or have her explain or teach was not part of the mother daughter role when I was a child. So I am struggling with this.
My Aunt is very fortunate. She is able to stay in her own home, because of me. I live with her, and do all the house duties. I am a nursing home for one.... She hasn't a clue how fortunate she is. But she is lonely and bored at times. It is part of getting old, not going alot of places or doing a lot of things. she has a companion they eat out 3 times a week, go to church and out to lunch afterwards, they go to movies and shows(we live in Branson Mo. Yes I play the "reversal role" and I am her niece. Her sister(whom is dead) daughter. I have been here, doing what I am doing, for 5 years. I am at peace for the most part,nut it is the hardest job I have ever had. God Bless all, he does me every day (smile)
Yes, a thousand times yes! It's so wonderful to hear you say this, and articulate it so powerfully. I have a huge emotional problem with the widespread assumption that my Dad is somehow now my child: my brilliant, sophisticated, scholarly world-traveler Dad. The caregivers at his assisted living do a wonderful job with physical care, but they address him as if he were a child, and often talk to me as if I were his mom. I am his child, his daughter, and I will love and revere him and my father forever.
Our Mother attends a day care type of center. We call it the Senior Center which makes her think she is going to a place to meet other Seniors and works out great. She has been attending almost 2 years now and has been a real blessing to us to be able to do our errands and help our other elderly family.
amen! great thoughts! discovered very quickly about the "sense of loss" my mother must have felt when she first came to live with me 4 yrs ago with beginning stages of dementia and all the frustrations and anger (on both parts)-the flipping back and forth between being a "child" and being "an adult" (re. to her mental capabilities) and then her treating me as her "child" and then treating me as an adult----CRAZY!!!!
Good Perspective. I have trouble with the terminology of role reversals also. I look forward to reading more about my evolving caregiver status. I also wish to hear from Males taking care of their Mother's who like in my case have never had children. Thanks!
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
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APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
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You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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How “Role Reversal” and Other Caregiving Catchphrases Skew Your Thoughts
Sincerely,
Alice Wilson
AND
It is hard as their child, to escape that role, as an adult. I need to be an adult in this situation, taking care of the house, the meds, the lawyers, the money, the bills, and the parents. But there is this lingering old role of "mothers-child". Ah, somedays it is hard to be who you are and not who you were, and always, always, know where the cat is...
she has a companion they eat out 3 times a week, go to church and out to lunch afterwards, they go to movies and shows(we live in Branson Mo. Yes I play the "reversal role" and I am her niece. Her sister(whom is dead) daughter. I have been here, doing what I am doing, for 5 years. I am at peace for the most part,nut it is the hardest job I have ever had. God Bless all, he does me every day (smile)