How do I handle the guilt from not being able to keep my elderly father company all the time?

Caregiver stress is real. Cooking, cleaning, transporting the physically handicapped, paying bills, keeping house for two 89 year old parents, grocery shopping, dispensing and keeping up meds,doctor visits, etc. plus seeing to their emotional needs is very waring and taxing. Plus daily communicating to both who are hearing impaired is extreemely difficult. Above all the physical needs that need to be met, dealing with emotional problems add to the burden. My dad accused me of bad mouthing him the other day - he has developed paranoia associated with his hearing loss- of course there was no bad mouthing him he just misunderstood what I said. This ads to the burden. Mom decided to write down names for her pall bearers. Practical some may say, but it can also be an attention-getter; The wo- is- me syndrome. Also dealing with constant complaining about their lives, aches and pains, and the continual daily negativity. I have decided to join a support group to get ideas and just vent with others who are coping with the same issues. I think this will reduce stress. Sometimes just putting ones problems and concerns & situations out in the open, keeps the dam from bursting so to speak. I haven't joined a support group yet but I am searching for one this very day through a local hospital. I hope for success

Having cared for my father for just over a year.....NOW I know why my mom was ALWAYS mad at him!!!
He is a very "me" oriented personality and a whiney baby at the same time.
I love him and will take good care of him, I don't have to like him.

I've only been caring for my dad for 2 months, and I, too, now know why my mother always complained about him. He expects me to wait on him and if I get home late from work he complains that dinner is too late for him. It seems like after he moved in with me, he suddenly became more helpless.

I can kinda relate to where you are coming from, but you can look at in a more positive way. It is much better to have our loved ones still with us than the alternative. Maybe being grumpy is just part of old age and the more patience and understanding we can be, the better it is. ;-)

russkm, it is possible that your dad could be retrained. My father expected my mother to wait on him hand and foot. Mother expected that was her role. None of us four girls did that for our husbands, and I'm afraid if Dad came to live with any of us he would have had a rude awakening.

It's too late for your dinner? Oh, I'm so sorry you didn't think to get yourself some cottage cheese and toast when you were hungry. I'll just make I own dinner now.

I've finished the laundry Dad. Do you want me to put yours on your bed or would you rather fold them in here?

As you can see, my hands are full now. I'm sure you can pour your own coffee.

Just because he expects you to wait on him doesn't mean you have to wait on him. Really. In fact, a little activity may be better for his health than sitting being waited on. And it may be good for him to feel useful if you expect him to empty the dishwasher and to have the table set when you get home from work.

Men of that generation often felt entitled to be waited on. Don't be too hard on him. But women of our generation don't expect to wait on able-bodied adults. He can adjust.

As he ages he may have real need of assistance. Certainly then you'll step in and assist him. Doing it before the need doesn't make sense to me.

mslisadoll, of course we'd all rather have our loved ones with us and grumpy than dead. But that really isn't the choice, is it? Putting up with unreasonable demands and going on guilt trips they arrange for us does nothing to extend or shorten their lives. We might as well make the effort to make the experience of living with them as pleasant as it can be, for both of us. And sometimes that means setting boundaries.

Out of curiosity, do you live with your parents?

jeannegibbs - Thanks for your post. I'll certainly use your suggestions. He's capable of doing some things on his own, even tho' he uses a walker.

Ms Lisadoll I appreciate your comment " can kinda relate to where you are coming from, but you can look at in a more positive way. It is much better to have our loved ones still with us than the alternative. Maybe being grumpy is just part of old age and the more patience and understanding we can be, the better it is. ;-)

Board jumped out before I could finish comment, Ms Lisadoll apparently doens't live with parents, and/or have to spend weekends transporting/stop every evening on her already 50 min commute one way or possibly not work a full time job, or maybe not have a child in school or a disabled husband.... Are you available for hire? Free rent MO