My elderly mother is becoming mean, hateful and unreasonable. How can I deal with this?

My mother is all of the above and it is really wearing me out. Are there any groups or organizations that help caregivers who are overwhelmed?

I have been a cargiver since 1997- my fahter died from complications of dementia-now my mother who is in the late stages of copd -has been telling my children -churchmembers and any one who will listen that she does not want me to handle her afffairs- the caregiving has cost me my marriage- strained relationships with my children and no paying job at over 50;. She has been trying to make my daughter POA even tho it has been in place for 10 years . I know in my heart it is the disease but it really hurts- I sacrificed my own life and now I wonder if I could go back in time if I could have made better choices. I would still take care of my parents - I just don't think I would do it in my own home. She has become the queen and I nothing more than a servant. I am heartsick and tired.

Crystalmpn, I read your post and shivers went up my spine. My father died of Alz also. Mom is still alive, hasn't ever been disagnosed with dementia,etc but she has many med. probs. She just recently revoked my POA,took me and my kids out of her will, accused me of stealing from her,became enraged because I didn't let her die in the ER and told everybody from our priest to the teller at the bank how horrible we were to her. Yes, it hurts to be treated like this and to be accused falsely. Mom is just plain mean, always has been. At least you can blame your mom's actions on an illness, although I know it doesn't bring any comfort to you. To have sacrificed so much for her and now you're being treated with such disrespect is horrible. My heart hurts for you.
Having gone through this, I can't stress enough the care both sides should take when dealing with a POA. None of it should be taken lightly. Be sure both sides know exactly what they are doing. In my case, knowing my mom's ugly side, I should never have been an agent for her. I trusted her, she was my mom for goodness sake, but that trust put me in harm's way. Make sure your daughter is aware of what could happen to her if she gets POA for a woman who has treated her own mother so terribly. Be afraid, be very afraid.
Yes, my mom is the queen too. Sits in her recliner and spews her vile words. I wonder who she's trampling on now since she has disowned the ones who took care of her for so many yrs.

I never should have agreed to poa either- she had a side outside to the world and her church friends and the mother inside was really abusive and mean to my sister and I. . I thought growing up that I did something wrong and maybe it was my fault-I married had a family and was doing well. Dad was sick and she needed me and I thought I was helping and for once maybe I would be good enough for her to spend time with me- and for once I would have a mother that loved me. She refused to take care of my dad once she moved in- he had dementia and was no longer of use to her - so I had to take over his entire care. Once when he was well enough to come home - she said of I brought him back in our house she would commit suicide- I realize now that I was only good enough because I could fill in and do all her errands and medical care - love had nothing to do with it. Now I am separated-no income and she is using my grown children in the same way she did me -I am so tired physically and mentally and it never ends. You want to do the best thing for your parents and sometimes you end up losing yourself and your life in the process.

Oh my goodness, everyone, my heart goes out to you and I feel for you. Tonight I logged onto this site feeling very down because tonight my father was raging at me and it hurt so much. It was painful and as I felt my disgust for him rising within me, I had to intentionally calm myself down and remind myself that his brain is diseased. But still so hard..... And now I read what you women are going through with your mothers and it is so hard and unfair for this to be happening to you. I am sorry you are enduring this. All I can say is I am going to go to bed now and say a prayer for us all, OK? And I salute you.

It's eerie to know you and I had the same kind of sick mother. My mom has a dual personality too. It makes me and my kids sick to see her in action.
Our stories differ with the sister, my mom thought my sis walked on water, it was always them together and me pushed to the outside. I tried my whole life to fit in with them but was never allowed in,which I thought was my fault. When my dad got sick, I lived in another city,couldn't visit often and mom kept it from me for as long as she could, knowing I thought Dad hung the moon. How hateful is that?
Please don't let her use your grown kids, if you can help it. Do your kids understand what gma is doing? My kids knew what their gma was trying to do, like downgrade me all the time, and they told her to back off. She said I had them brainwashed. If any two kids couldn't be brainwashed by me, it's mine.
I am so sorry you're in this situation with your marriage and income, you must feel devastated. I'm sure you're wondering what you ever did to deserve this. I hope your kids are standing by your side.
People who have not dealt with such a mother just can never understand what's it like. They should give their parent(s) an extra big hug and be thankful. It's pitiful to be in your 50s and STILL have to deal with mommie dearest. Well, I don't deal with her anymore except through our lawyers. She should be ashamed of herself but I guess queens don't have any shame, do they?
It's bad enough to have been raised by these monsters but even in adulthood they still keep sucking the life out of you. They don't love you so why should they let you have a life?
Don't lose hope, crystal. Keep pouring out your feelings here, it helps so much to unload. I know it's been a lifesaver for me. There are others who have monster moms too, you and I aren't the only ones.

anne123, I'm sorry your dad was raging at you. No matter what the cause, it still hurts to listen to mean words. You get physically worndown caring for him and then get blasted with ugliness. Doesn't seem fair, does it?
I appreciate the prayers. I'm not involved like you and crystal, since I've been disowned. The caregiving part is gone for me. It hurts to know that all I did for mom meant nothing to her. I was always afraid of her and I still am, isn't that pitiful? Now it's gone beyond the ugly words in her living room to letters and calls through lawyers. Well, you never know how life is going to turn out, do you?

PLZ TALK TO DOC ABOUT MEDS . MY MOM WAS ALWAKYKS NERVOUS AND UPTIGHT- ON PAXIL RIGHT NOW- DOC GAVE SCRIPT FOR 2 MILIGRAMS OF VALIUM - SHE CALM NOW- PHEW!- DIDNT YELL JUST VERY ANXOIUS

Hello, my mother isn't ill (to the best of my knowledge), but I do believe she has severe emotional problems that stem from growing up in the south as an african american in the early 40's. As far back as I can remember, she has been extremely mean and verbally abusive to me; calling me names like stupid, idiot, moron, etc. well into my 30's until I finally started sticking up for myself and telling her that I didn't want her talking to me in that way. She's always been very demanding, pushy and bossy, snapping and becoming angry at the drop of a hat. I've tried throughout the years to have a relationship with her, but I can't take anymore of her verbal abuse. She's 69 and still gets around on her own. I think she has friends at her church, but none other than that. My boyfriend used to go and see her on his off days because he knew that she was alone, even let his little girl spend time with her, but she was mean to them too. That's when I said that was it! I'm fed up with her anger and abuse. Her anger has caused me alot of pain and sadness. I've bitten my nails since I was 5 years old because I was a very nervous child. She would come home from work and yell and scream at me for hours for something as minor as a spoon left in the sink. We've never had a mother daughter relationship and she's never really shown me any respect. I decided after she was mean to my boyfriend's 10 year old daughter right in front of me that I couldn't have any further dealing with her. She's under the impression that because she is my "MOTHER" (as she put it in one of her bully email messages), that she's entitled to treat me any way she pleases. I thought that I absoblutely had to have a relationship with her because she is my mother. Then I realized that if I continued to deal with her I would be miserable the rest of my life. I haven't spoken to her in almost three weeks and have no intention on doing so. Mother's day is coming up and I absolutely hate that day. One year she demanded to know what I was giving her on Mother's day, instead of allowing me to suprise her with a gift of my choice. This year, I will send her a card with money in it. I don't want to talk to her and therefore have no intentions of calling her. I have so much anger and resentment for her that I think it's best for me not to deal with her at all. Maybe once I feel that I've healed and can truely forgive her, I might contact her. But for now, I want absolutely nothing to do with her. There was a time that I would feel guilty about not wanting to deal with her. But I now realize that I don't have to be miserable and take abuse from anyone and I have to take care of myself.

It is so hard to take abuse esp. when you are a caregiver with my husband I read one of Dr. Phils books and just kept telling myself I did not deserve such treatment and would walk away even if I was getting him dressed and when he was in short term nursing homes I would leave and not go back untill I wanted to and caller ID'd his phone calls and turned down the answering machine so I did not have to listen to what he was saying until I wanted to and then I took care of things by telling him and the social worker that I was unable to care for him at home anylonger and started medicade paperwork of course this took me years of crying myself to sleep and I hope anyone who is on the fence about caring for your loved ones at home realize they do not change just because you are caring for them in fact the nicer you are often makes them behave worse.