How can I stop caregiving from putting a strain on my marriage?

I totally agree with this. I am caring for my 92 year old mother-in-law. 33 years ago when I married my husband I did not sign on for this duty. Everyone seems to give me accolades and praise and telling me that I will have my place in heaven dealing with this very sick and difficult woman. My husband says he appreciates but then when he tired at night, says things like, "I want to go to bed early tonight and I thought someone else would give mom her medicine and change her diaper before bed." Guess who that someone else is? Me, the person who has become house bound to deal with her 24/7. I am becoming more and more resentful and pushing away more and more. I am 59 and not in the greatest health myself. If the way he deals with his mother is any indication of how he would take care of me if I were ill, I don't want him too! We have many other stresses going on right now, so that doesn't help it either, but I am beginning to wonder if I was better off not in this relationship of 33 years! We have 3 grown children with their own set of problems and 2 beautiful grand daughters with another grand daughter due any day. Right now the grand children are also living with us. I need a break so desperately that I feel like I am going to break!

Can caregiving to lead to divorce?---Of course it can. It is so obvious and repeated on this site, even justified by some women who have said that spouses come and go likewise do children but one only has one mom, that it is a crisis of throw a way marriages at the altar of almighty mom which somehow is seen as less wrong if the wife does it than the husband. But either way in my opinion and from my life's experiences it is a form of emotional adultery. It's emotional incest at it's worst and if it is between a mother and son, it is covert incest hidden beneath something appearing to be good which is a favorite way that evil loves to hide. I think other than having children the other big test of a marriage being between two adults, two kids or an adult married to their usually mom's emotional child is when the parents get old. Then the real and rest of the story gets told.

This is a big reason why people need to deal with parent issues before getting married and avoid marring people who have obvious parent issues. It's less helpful and more damaging, particularly to future children to over look it because you think he will or you will change him or her and then say you got problems with your " " that's messing up us and our family than to get that our front

I'm sorry, but clergy for the most part are not trained for this sort of deep counseling plus their roles as generalists who often pastor a church, they don't have the time it takes. Likewise cheep counselors are a waste of time as are those lacking experience for the really tough situations which yours does not need to be their first one.



rarcarmen, I hear your pain. It sounds very rare and I think your husband deserves to hear you roar. Even if he is not willing to get therapy, dang get it for yourself.

Thanks. I will take that under consideration. Of course there is the money consideration, the time restraints (I am housebound with my mother in law) and then as you state, finding a counselors that has experience, is not a generalists, not a clergy, or not in-expensive! Sounds like I have much to choose from! I need to vent and sometimes just scream.

Would putting her in anursing home be the answer you do not want to suffer through this and when she passes have no marriage left.

Try to locate your state's Commission on Aging (or Office on Aging), as well as get information on NATIONAL FAMILY CAREGIVER SUPPORT PROGRAM. My husband and I agreed years ago that if either mother needed daily assistance, we would use an assisted living facility, so that neither partner would be overwhelmed with 24-hr care. We did so, and even visitng the assisted living facility daily was exhausting (had to be there or my mother-in-law wouldn't take her meds, go to the doctor, etc.), but I always knew I could collapse and get some rest at home. You need a break -- find out if you can get your family member to an assisted living facility. There are trained people who can help you with your options. Do it for yourself, if not for your marriage.

Been married 11 years. Have had mother in law, till she past away 5 yrs ago. Now father in law going on 5 yrs this month.

"i FILED for seperation 3 yrs ago....we live under the same roof, love my husband, but sometimes think he & his siblings think I am a "mega robot or machine"....and Im not.

Our marriage, we have never started it yet.....I was bearly 30, now 42. I need a break, I love my hubby, and he loves me, but has never "SPOKE UP" to his siblings to "Take over, and give us a break, so our marriage can actually BEGIN"!

Instead, looks the opposite.....I want a break. I didn't do Vows for this!

Thanks Austin. She has no assets, and only a pension/ss. Which means she would need medicaid, which takes 45 to 60 days to qualify for and is very difficult to get and I understand she is above the income level by $600. We live in one of the richest counties in the country and the services stink here and are there are no hospice nursing homes. Bellamary she is beyond assisted living and needs a nursing home. We did contact the area of aging which was not very helpful. At that point she was a risk to hurting herself because she kept falling and bruising herself badly and we were worried about her falling down the stairs. They even contacted Adult Protection Services, and they all said sorry, not much we can do. Now she is totally bedridden and cannot get out of bed without assistance. 10 years ago we would have had the money to help pay for a nursing home, but my husband is straight commission and these last 2 years have been very hard on our income. We have sold much more then we should at our age just to stay afloat. Thank you all for your suggestions and listening!

Iwantalife ,

Your story is terribly heartbreaking and reflects why people need to get certain issues tended to before getting married. I don't know anymore than you have written, but while he says he loves you and I'm sure he does, but it sounds like he loves mom more and thus your not really separating from your man as much as you are from mommy's little man it sounds like to me. Is he the baby of the family or for some reason, her favorite or something? You are right that you didn't takes vows for something that never really began.

You AND your husband have to remember it isn't the situation that is causing the tension, it is how you are allowing the situation to AFFECT you. Obviously you have both agreed to take care of your Mom, otherwise she wouldn't be living with you. There are going to be bad days just like there are going to be good days while taking care of her. It is very important to attend to the needs of your spouse also, and I can't stress enough that romance is imperative in a marriage. If you do little things like leaving love notes on the dash of the car, making a favorite meal, and splashing on some of that sweet smelling cologne, will make a huge impact. You have to stay interesTED and interesTING.
It IS a good idea to go to a clergy and discuss these problems, they ARE trained Biblicly to guide you, and to keep spirituality a major factor in your life, it WILL bring peace and contentment to all aspects of your life.

If you want to preserve your marriage -- now is the time to begin counseling (although I understand it seems like just one more thing to do.) My husband and I "had" a fabulous marriage until we started taking care of both my parents, who now live in a senior facility just 3 miles from us. BOTH of them have Alzheimer's and I am emotionally overwhelmed by all the responsibility and craziness. My husband is a wonderful partner and does nearly as much as I do for my parents -- but that doesn't mean I'm not depressed, anxious, and irritable most of the time. I became emotionally drained and had nothing left to give my husband, and our marriage began to suffer after just one year of caregiving. When I was home, I just wanted to be alone. I lost my sense of humor. There was just no fun left in our lives.

With the help of counseling, a support group, Zanax (Don't laugh.) and chat rooms, I am now able to begin to rebuild our marriage. I've learned that things will not take care of themselves. Nobody can understand Caregiver's Stress until they've been there. Good luck.