Simply take her out to lunch, leave part of the family to oversee it. Take her home a while. Return her afterward. If it is dirty enough it MUST be done, then tell her it is not an option as it MUST be done.
Take her out for the day. Pick her up about 30 minutes before the cleaning person or persons get there. Lunch, maybe a manicure. If the cleaning will take a while maybe a movie.
I agree with taking her out for a few hours — and make sure the cleaning service sends multiple people so they can get done faster. I'm sure at 98 she can only take so much of a day out and about without a nap. If she's bothered by knowing strangers were in her apartment tell her the family cleaned it.
Find someone who will just clean. Do it with the idea that nothing will be thrown away. Nothing moved from its place. Nothing put in a cupboard that she currently has on the counter. No rearranging the furniture. Take pictures before so that they can be looked at after to make sure things are in place as found. This way you might get away with it a second time.
Make it happen and stop being afraid of mom. Either take her out for the day or just tell her it’s happening and make it happen, whichever gets you more peace. I can’t picture a 98 year old fighting off a cleaner, but can picture attempts to guilt, be rude, sulk, etc. all of which can be handled by persistent ignoring
I cleaned my mom’s house once a week. My sister who lived near by developed cancer and I insisted she only visit. If I moved things it was frustrating for her to find them, reach them. I had always been accused on “hiding”a things. If I put things off the counter top, she couldn’t get them back out, would have to wait for someone to come by to retrieve. Someone was there every day. She didn’t have to wait long. She loved her house being cleaned…by me. Straightened, not so much. But I was in a hurry and didn’t think about her (limited) reach at her breakfast table from her wheel chair, or the fact that she had therapy twice a week for her right arm because she had drop arm w/o it (no working rotator cuff). I needed to leave things she used often where she could easily access. sounds like common sense but I truly didn’t realize how limited she was. She did not complain. Sometimes perhaps it is the fear of things being misplaced. In later days I introduced a cleaner as someone to help me with floors. We worked together several times before I left the cleaner on her own. She wasn’t the best cleaner but she was local and knew my brother who lived close by and was trustworthy. Very rural area. I learned that I was moving too many things from my mom’s sister. Also in her 90s.
1930, I did do a lot of ignoring. Not proud of that today but we live and learn and mostly I learned from her both my ability to ignore and attend to detail. But I do agree that sometimes we have to just jump in and fade the heat later.
No. Get her out of the house or keep her in her room so she doesn't see what is going on IF it will alarm or upset her. If she is able to get out, the better to get some fresh (?) air and/or go out for lunch / change of scenery.
Unfortunately I have a friend who is living under these conditions as a guest while temporarily homeless. The more she cleans up, the less incentive the 2 others living in that situation will help. It is in their nature. You really cannot do anything until mom has an accident or ends in the hospital. This will be the time to claim unsafe discharge when authorities may investigate. I suggest a cohesive straegy here. You know how your mom will react.
I agree with making a plan to get her out of the house for half the day or go over to keep her preoccupied while people clean. My mother lives with me and hates hiring help. She'd rather try to do it or have me do it. Please, if your children offer to pay for help, take it! Sometimes it's so much easier to pay someone to mow the lawn, do the landscaping, and clean the house. It's not a waste of money but elderly parents often don't see it that way.
Take her out for Lunch and to Visit Family and let the cleaners come In for 3- 5 Hours . They can Probably get it done in 3 Hours . Dont tell her either .
Get someone in there to clean it. Period. End of discussion. I am perplexed as to why you ask us what to do? It is filthy ... needs not only a regular cleaning, but a DEEP cleaning.
Get your mom out of there for an afternoon and get it cleaned. At 98, it isn't up to her to make these decisions. It requires responsible family members / those with legal authority to do what is needed for the best care of a loved one.
I am flummoxed as to why this is even a question. Why do / didn't you just 'take charge' and do what is needed?
What is blocking you?
Certainly you don't want your mom living in filth?
Do not fear her response. Do not give your - not only PERSONAL POWER over to her - it is also your PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY to make decisions that are in her best interest.
If you were 98, would you want someone to ask you - if your place needed a deep cleaning?
You are often critical of the caregivers’ questions - as if everything is so obvious and simple. You say, “I can’t believe you are asking (fill in the blank)”. You are not that person and have no idea what their life experience(s) is. They asked the question, so they obviously need help. Please respond with compassion in the future.
My mom doesn't like anyone coming in the house either. You could try telling her that in order to clean, you need some assistance to "help" you. Then one of you stays with the cleaners, while the other one takes mom out, so that they can get done faster with no one in the house. Mom will appreciate that you aren't leaving a stranger alone in her house, and that you need help with a large-scale cleaning (even if you don't lift a finger). My mom would also see value in getting done faster and paying less!
She’s not really living independently if she can’t keep her house clean! I knew a 99-year-old who had a fairly large house and did all her own housework until she needed to move closer to her family. Lots of people in their 90s still manage everything for themselves.
Go there with some hired help...say it's a friend of yours. Act like you're working, do what you can, let the 'help' do the heavy work and get it done. If you like the hired person, help mom see this person as a help and not a stranger in the home. You may need to go a couple of times for that to set in with her.
Good wishes to you Sandy, While mine was still driving her house became a hoard of groceries, stale food, dirty dishes, paperbacks, piles of slightly dirty clothes, junk mail, paid bill stubs and 🤯 shopping channel buys of mostly clothes that were not the right size and packages she had never opened. While not making a dent clearing out i went to just basic cleaning like dishes, garbage out, bathrooms, clothes and floors. Twice her brother took her to lunch while i got help to clear out and clean kitchen. We were 15 years younger and def couldn’t deal w same now. Take the deep clean one step at a time. Look away from the big picture bc it can paralyze you with indecision. Hugs
P. S. After the hoard was 1/2 managed she eventually would leave the kitchen den area mad bc i was doing weekly cleans to read, watch tv and nap. So much easier when they’re not following you around saying ‘don’t do that, i’ll do it later’ 🙄and ‘go home to your husband while he is still alive’. BTW my husband was my secret weapon bc she wouldn’t fuss at me when he came with me.
I was having problems with my dad like this and he was hoarding I couldn’t clean around anything and he refused to give anything up. My sister came in no nonsense approach almost Sergeant major but respectful and told my dad the place was dirty and she was going to clean up. He told me she abused him so I said in what way - she cleaned up your dirty room and made you wash as well ! - then his serious face just broke into a little laugh - she moved everything out of the room - then reorganised the room now it’s a picture of cleanliness and non junk she actually got bin bags and just threw stuff away- there was just no messing around with her it didn’t work for me in the beginning - I needed outside help. Have you someone firm it respectful who can say the place is filthy I am tidying it because if the doctor comes here and sees you like this they will say you’re unfit to remain at home and put you in a home. Then maybe ask her what her favourite couple of things are and the rest are being moved to another room ( another days challenge) and clean the one room my dad now sees the benefit Altho sone days he says he’s clean and his house is ! I just explain we need daily cleaning otherwise the job takes a lot longer and I haven’t got time for that it wasn’t easy- but a firm hand dud work for my dad Altho he then started saying he was being bullied. Maybe a reward afterwards clean up and maybe put a nice magazine or something ur mother likes near her after - maybe even a small plate with her favourite fruit/sweets? So that she can see the benefit ? It’s not easy. I hope you find a way
Take her out to lunch or dinner and have a cleaning crew come in while you are out. I guarantee she will be furious when you return but that it the price you will pay.
I promised my mom 75(stage 4 breast cancer) 4 things 1)she will be clean and in clean environment 2)she will be safe 3)she will not be in pain..if I can help it 4) everything I do is in her beat interest Ummm you have to take charge not ask etc. that doesn't work most of the time. Best of luck!
If it is dirty enough it MUST be done, then tell her it is not an option as it MUST be done.
Pick her up about 30 minutes before the cleaning person or persons get there.
Lunch, maybe a manicure. If the cleaning will take a while maybe a movie.
I wish someone would do this for me!!!
Take pictures before so that they can be looked at after to make sure things are in place as found.
This way you might get away with it a second time.
If I moved things it was frustrating for her to find them, reach them. I had always been accused on “hiding”a things.
If I put things off the counter top, she couldn’t get them back out, would have to wait for someone to come by to retrieve. Someone was there every day. She didn’t have to wait long.
She loved her house being cleaned…by me. Straightened, not so much.
But I was in a hurry and didn’t think about her (limited) reach at her breakfast table from her wheel chair, or the fact that she had therapy twice a week for her right arm because she had drop arm w/o it (no working rotator cuff).
I needed to leave things she used often where she could easily access. sounds like common sense but I truly didn’t realize how limited she was. She did not complain.
Sometimes perhaps it is the fear of things being misplaced.
In later days I introduced a cleaner as someone to help me with floors. We worked together several times before I left the cleaner on her own. She wasn’t the best cleaner but she was local and knew my brother who lived close by and was trustworthy. Very rural area.
I learned that I was moving too many things from my mom’s sister. Also in her 90s.
1930, I did do a lot of ignoring. Not proud of that today but we live and learn and mostly I learned from her both my ability to ignore and attend to detail. But I do agree that sometimes we have to just jump in and fade the heat later.
Thank you AgingCare.
I suggest a cohesive straegy here. You know how your mom will react.
A deep cleaning is necessary. Period.
Period. End of discussion.
I am perplexed as to why you ask us what to do?
It is filthy ... needs not only a regular cleaning, but a DEEP cleaning.
Get your mom out of there for an afternoon and get it cleaned.
At 98, it isn't up to her to make these decisions. It requires responsible family members / those with legal authority to do what is needed for the best care of a loved one.
I am flummoxed as to why this is even a question.
Why do / didn't you just 'take charge' and do what is needed?
What is blocking you?
Certainly you don't want your mom living in filth?
Do not fear her response.
Do not give your - not only PERSONAL POWER over to her -
it is also your PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY to make decisions that are in her best interest.
If you were 98, would you want someone to ask you - if your place needed a deep cleaning?
Gena / Touch Matters
While mine was still driving her house became a hoard of groceries, stale food, dirty dishes, paperbacks, piles of slightly dirty clothes, junk mail, paid bill stubs and 🤯 shopping channel buys of mostly clothes that were not the right size and packages she had never opened. While not making a dent clearing out i went to just basic cleaning like dishes, garbage out, bathrooms, clothes and floors. Twice her brother took her to lunch while i got help to clear out and clean kitchen. We were 15 years younger and def couldn’t
deal w same now. Take the deep clean one step at a time. Look away from the big picture bc it can paralyze you with indecision. Hugs
I couldn’t clean around anything and he refused to give anything up. My sister came in
no nonsense approach almost Sergeant major but respectful and told my dad the place was dirty and she was going to clean up. He told me she abused him so I said in what way - she cleaned up your dirty room and made you wash as well ! - then his serious face just broke into a little laugh - she moved everything out of the room - then reorganised the room
now it’s a picture of cleanliness and non junk
she actually got bin bags and just threw stuff away- there was just no messing around with her
it didn’t work for me in the beginning - I needed outside help. Have you someone firm
it respectful who can say the place is filthy I am tidying it because if the doctor comes here and sees you like this they will say you’re unfit to remain at home and put you in a home. Then maybe ask her what her favourite couple of things are and the rest are being moved to another room ( another days challenge) and clean the one room
my dad now sees the benefit
Altho sone days he says he’s clean and his house is ! I just explain we need daily cleaning otherwise the job takes a lot longer and I haven’t got time for that
it wasn’t easy- but a firm hand dud work for my dad Altho he then started saying he was being bullied. Maybe a reward afterwards
clean up and maybe put a nice magazine or something ur mother likes near her after - maybe even a small plate with her favourite fruit/sweets? So that she can see the benefit ? It’s not easy. I hope you find a way
1)she will be clean and in clean environment
2)she will be safe
3)she will not be in pain..if I can help it
4) everything I do is in her beat interest
Ummm you have to take charge not ask etc. that doesn't work most of the time. Best of luck!