Update on mom in assisted living. I had a hard time convincing my mom to go to assisted living. She was diagnosed with dementia 2 years ago and she couldn't stay alone anymore. I work, have a family she kept wanting them to leave. In March, she went to assisted living. I go twice a week and at first called her every night. I now only call three times a week because she is so negative I cannot take it anymore. When I go to do her hair, she constantly complains. She complains how I do her hair, about the place, about the people, about everything. She keeps asking me "could you live here?" Actually yes. It is brand new, wonderful people and great food. I worn out with the negativity. I have explained to her about her complaints, but she says I am "fussing" at her. Not true, just need some peace. Is it normal for a dementia patient be so negative? I do not want to go visit or call her. It would be so easy to just stop. I am an only child and feel obligated to help her. I feel so much better knowing she is safe and well cared for. She will not bathe or change her pajamas. She doesn't want to get her clothes on. She just wants to complain. She tells me she doesn't eat there, but they tell me different. Her memory isn;t so much the issue, it is her personality change, her inability to care for herself, and her reasoning skills are gone. Oh my, you cannot reason with her at all. When she truly believes something..well, she will say.."well, you are always right and want to argue with me." I want to walk away and enjoy my life without her in it, but I feel guilty for even thinking such a thing. Is all this normal?
Your family needs you. Be kind to yourself.
Also I do not think you should just walk away from your Mom. She was there for you through your preteen years then your teen years and I'm sure that you knew if you needed anything at all you knew you could call your mom. It's now time for you to be there for your Mom NO MATTER WHAT THE CASE MAY BE it time to be there for your Mom. Plus I'm positive that this dementia thing is scary for your Mom cuz my mom every now and then will state that this dementia thing sucks and she gets scared cuz she's afraid she's going to lose herself. Ok just reassure her that it's just the dementia that we all know that and we don't think she's crazy cuz she's not. I look at lit like hey she changed my diapers and took care of me all those years now it's my turn. I reuse to put my mom in a facility cuz what she could afford would be a place that's run by the state and it would be a nice ritzy place. I've told her the only way she's gonna go into a facility is if she gets mean and starts hitting us or if she gets to the point where she does not recognize any of us then she will go into a facility. Hang in there you can do this and if you walked away from her I GUARANTEE you that you would/will regret it. Also I'm sure she's depressed besides the fact of having to leave her home and move into a place where she's doesn't know anyone at all. Just be patient with her she needs some time to get acclimated to everything there it's ALL NEW TO HER. hopefully she will make some friends.
Good luck and if you need someone to chat with or to just rant to feel free to reach out toethanks
Liz
I believe (and support you) that you need to do what you can comfortably do - in terms of visiting / contact.
The negatively may not stop as she may be very lonely, depressed or a combination of factors due to dementia and other health decline / issues.
If possible, find volunteers to visit. I called LITA (Love Is The Answer) and check out local churches. You must take care of your own mental, psychological, and physical health. You need to focus on your family.
She will not change and it may get worse. Ask her MD about medication.
You could also try gentle massage - either a volunteer or a professional. Or call massage schools to get students to give her a gentle massage (hand massages, feet massages, neck and back rubs are good - (I am a massage therapist). If you mom is open to being touched in gentle, supportive ways - easing into it with conversation first, it might help her feel better - feel more connected.
I wish you well in setting your limits and taking care of yourself.
A family member (you) can be both compassionate and set boundaries. In fact, it is necessary. Take care of you first.
Gena / Touch Matters
Seems it must be normal, then?
I will say, there's simply not a lot to love about old age. I say that as an 81 year old.
Move mother into AL.
Bring father to visit.
Gradually, withdraw support for living at home alone.
You are right to try and keep them together.
It is amazing sometimes, right before your eyes, the dementia takes over and a broken brain cannot make needed decisions, so use persuasion. imo.
Dad being very mellow now and mom the polar opposite.
.."well, you are always right and want to argue with me."
Yesss, same here with my Mom. Add in her 'poor-me routines' anytime I bring logic and reason....Makes me seriously think that her strategic use of these 'skills', as she uses them to 'fight back' against logic(about stuff she doesn't want to consider), shows that she CAN reason quite well!
I have found BOTH Narcissism and Dementia strategies to be very helpful in dealing with her. And you tube is helpful along with this site.
PS @NeedHelpWithMom
Thanks! I'm going to check out "Jokes for Caregivers" topic next!
I get that some stay open but if it is for a specific problem or concern anyone having the same issue will probably not look through old comments or suggestions to find answers.
I don't know...maybe I get perturbed when I see a question and go to respond and see that it is 9 YEARS old.
I will just try to ignore them and try to remember to look at dates before I reply
A lot of us post on these threads because the topic is still relevant.
I don’t see any point to posting on old threads that the topic is no longer relevant. Most of those posts are eventually closed down.
Why is this still open for responses? This question is from 2014!
I doubt anyone having the same issues would read through 1K replies/ answers to get the gist of what the conversations are about.
I think it’s because even though the original poster may be gone, others who follow afterwards will continue to face the same issues.
So, the thread stays open for discussion.
There’s the ‘What’s your Whine’ thread, ‘On My Mind,’ ‘General Topics,’ ‘Jokes for the Caregiver,’ ‘What’s for Dinner?,’ ‘What are you reading?’ ‘Online exercise buddies,’ ‘Gardening’ and a few others that remain open.
Seniors, whether they are demented or not, predominantly suffer from loneliness. Add the uncertainty, confusion and depression dementia causes, and you have the perfect recipe for anger and upset. On top of that, when a Senior sits around all day with nothing to do and nothing to say, their mind (healthy or not) is going to look for what's wrong.
If mom had someone to talk to, someone to socialize with and someone to say "it's okay" when she complains (and maybe even do something about it), I can pretty much promise you her outlook will improve along with her mood and probably her health.
If I am not already ranting, please let me take a minute to go on a side rant...
We put our seniors in very expensive assisting living centers, hoping and praying it's going to be okay. We think they are going to get plenty of time to socialize, lots of care from the staff, great food and something out of an episode of the old TV show Fantasy Island.
In reality, the facility will probably have a 30:1 resident/caregiver ratio, and you expect the $15-hour caregiver who pops in on her once or twice every eight hours to be her mother, daughter, social worker, psychiatrist, doctor and caregiver too.
FOR EVERYONE READING THIS, ONCE YOUR LOVED ONE GOES BEYOND INDEPENDENT LIVING, THEY ARE GOING TO NEED ADDITIONAL CARE! And for anyone who believes the promises the commissioned salesman at the facility tells you, please call me - I have a bridge for sale!
Jewel, you are a gem for reaching out for help, and for not entirely wanting to take Mom behind the barn; I would offer you this:
Find someone who can spend a few extra hours with mom 3 or 4 days a week. It doesn't have to be a paid professional. Maybe she has a granddaughter or a teenager who needs volunteer hours for her college applications, one of her old friends, or a friend from church.
(Burnt Out, I know you don't think anyone is willing to do a good deed out of the goodness of their heart, but I promise you they are. Mom is already in a facility; an untrained volunteer can sit and talk to her.)
You mentioned Mom doesn't like the way you do her hair. Take her to a beauty shop or have a professional come to her. Maybe it's not the outcome so much as the dependency on you for help with something she's always managed on her own.
Bring pictures or memorabilia from her past. Bring cute (cheap) gifts to keep her occupied. Watch TV together and talk about the show during the commercials. Ask her for advice on something in your life! Talk to her about upcoming events and invite her to participate.
In other words, give Mom purpose and help her have a life worth living!
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/dementia-wish-list-484156.htm
We come out screaming and yelling and often seems to me we don't stop until we are dead for six months. As a species I find us overall somewhat negative.
Make sure to tell her when she starts up that you don't care and are not going to listen to her complain. If she doesn't stop, you get up and leave then the visits get cut down to once every other week.
Same with the phone calls. When she starts up you end the call the same way as the visit. If she continues with the complaining and negativity on the phone the calls get reduced to once a week and if that doesn't do it then once every two weeks.
When she gets lonely enough and wants your company she'll stop complaining and being so negative.
When a person has Altzheimers or dementia, LEARN that their brainfunction is no longer "normal"
Not making visits or cutting back, also with cutting back phone calls is
ridculous for "normal" people to figure out, you can not seriously expect
a dement person to understand your "life lesson" and expect a change of attitude, do you?
"When she gets lonely enough... jeez !!!!
way of "punishing" is ridiculous, .
You have every right to feel like you want to avoid her. She is a miserable person. No one wants to be around a miserable person who complains incessantly and makes everyone around them miserable.
There comes a time when its okay to stop trying to make others happy. There is no pleasing some people.
Elderly people often enjoy complaining. It can be like a kind of sport to them. That doesn't mean that you have to listen to them.
Cut back on your visits. If your mother's memory is okay, she will understand when you tell her that you simply cannot take any more of her misery and that if she doesn't stop, you will stop visiting her and calling.
I would want them to put me away and then grieve me like I'm dead then forget about me.
If I'm no longer myself and my needs are making the lives of the people I love miserable, I don't want them sacrificing their lives to my care needs.
Certain questions have been ongoing for quite awhile. People continue to answer them based on their own experiences.
Lot’s of people post on ‘on my mind,’ ‘my whine moment, ‘jokes for the caregiver,’ ‘what’s for dinner,’ ‘is it wrong to wish someone dies,’ etc. They are all old threads that we continue to post on.
We're dealing with our 90 year old mom who used to VOLUNTEER at an assisting living facility - so she's convinced all of them will have poor management (in her opinion), lazy workers (in her opinion) etc. One facility even fired her from being a volunteer!
She doesn't want anyone to tell her what to do (including her doctor, though she thinks he's "so handsome") and often exclaims "I'm 90 years old!" as the excuse for for it.
Just reply...
"Gee I'm sorry that you feel that way."
And it this particular case..if mom is complaining about how you do her hair, let the facility salon take care of it for a month or so and see how that goes.
One of the Rules of caring for someone with dementia:
You can not argue with a person that has dementia. It frustrated both and you will never "win".
I no longer speak with her to protect my mental health from the guilt tripping and judgementalism - even though mainly directed at others including other family members. she complains about my dad, to me! As if I don’t feel it and know she judges me too. She denies that she is complaining if I call her out on it so I simply can’t reason with her. I have my own worries and can’t “make” her happy though she tries to use my attention in that way. I’ve learned that her happiness is her responsibility. You cannot make your mother happy now. Maybe for 15 minutes, but how long does that encounter drag you down? Hours? Days or weeks??
Like yours my mother is not going to go gracefully into a retirement or memory care home either even though she may actually prefer the captive audience for socializing.
My mother never got fully dressed even while I was a teen (thin housecoats were her uniform at home) so I almost never had a friend inside my house after middle school. She didn’t want to get fully dressed or clean up the house unless family visited a few times a year. …excellent way to screw up development of my social skills. My feelings of obligation to her go down when I think of how she (unintentionally) made my life so difficult to ease her own.
If you got to know your mom when she wasn’t a childish butthead, cherish that privilege I guess I would say. You’re not alone. Your life is all you have so treat yourself well. She’s lived her best life already - make sure you get to live your best life. You cannot save her. You may be where she is someday and will have to accept it too. Accepting what is rather than denying it will happen to us or guilt we cannot save our mothers may eventually bring us all peace.
be kind to yourself
I'm trying to find the boundary between completely walking away and exposure that won't render me so depressed I'm not functional (and believe me I can't say anything about my own depression because either of them will turn anything I say into a guilt trip or pity party because they ALWAYS have things worse.) I stupidly mentioned going on a trip to see something 90 minutes away to people Mom and I both know - now she'll ask for a ride and I don't think I can tolerate 3 hours stuck in the car with her. It's probably time to have some other commitment I hadn't remembered come up that day.