How do I cope with caring for my MIL and raising four babies? I feel angry.

You have every reason to feel sad. I am sorry that you are in this situation.

Does she have the funds to go to an assisted living facility? Have you discussed this with your husband?

I am sure that it’s terrible hard to manage being a mom to three children and care for her. When is your baby due? All of this stress isn’t good for you while you are pregnant.

Do you have any outside help? Who will take care of her when you go to the hospital to have your baby?

Have you spoken with therapist about this situation? A good therapist can help you sort out your feelings and help you plan what is best for your family.

Has she gone to rehab after her stroke? What does her doctor say about her condition? Have you contacted Council on Aging in your area to get an assessment on her condition?

Wishing you peace as you continue on your caregiving journey.

You say that you rely on your faith. Pray for wisdom to help you find a viable solution.

Yes, you are trapped in your own home. Get her into some kind of senior community, AL or with other elders with similar health issues. NOW. 2 years is long enough.

You have 4 young children to raise and another coming?! Why didn't she get into a facility after her stroke? How did MIL's care giving get shoved on you, when you already have young kids and a baby on the way? That is insane!

What does your husband do to help you? Your priority is your children. Where are other family members? If none, you need to work on getting her into Assisted Living or a Senior Community. She can get Home Care coming in a few days a week from Medicare.

Nobody on earth would expect you to be her 24/7 caregiver when you have a house filled with young children you are responsible for! Get a Social Worker to help you get MIL placed somewhere else. Call her Doctor, for starters. Call APS and tell them you have a family and she is a total burden when trying to raise your young ones! The frustration and hopelessness would be killing me.

You will end up burned to a crisp, and it is totally UNFAIR you have been stuck with the burden of your MIL for any longer. This is unfair to your children too. She can get low income housing somewhere. She won't get any better, only worse.

I would be fighting to get her out with all my might. Good luck.

Have you told your husband how you feel ?
Does your MIL have funds to live on her own in a senior apartment , or assisted living ?
I hope she has funds because this is unsustainable to live like this in your own home , with a job and young children .

You sit down and tell your husband that having his mother living in your home is no longer working for you.

Your responsibility is to those kids. Not her.

Marrrlee, I am 60 now , have 4 boys, spaced a little farther apart but omg it was so hard, add an unhealthy mother in law into it, that's just impossible and a recipe for disaster.
I think back at my memories of the quality times I spent with them. Reading Harry Potter to my 2nd grader. Those quality times when you have 4 children and a job are so hard to find, but extremely important for there well-being.
Your baby needs bonding that's extremely important for your baby's future mental health. I'm not saying your not doing this but I just know how hard it was without a mother in law. Raising 4 kids takes an army of support. My parents but exspecially my in laws played a huge roll in helping me.
This is just going to get harder. I literally had are dog get out, toilet overflow and a broken hand at the same time.
And to do this while taking care of a needy inlaw it's a recipe for disaster. My mental health has been in jeopardy, just taking care of my mom alone!
Please talk to your husband and make a plan.

Oh Marrrleee,
Your plight truly resonates with me. I am well into year 6 of caring for my mother, who like yours, has made terrible life-health choices. Thankfully, she does not live with me. My family has suffered, my marriage has suffered and my health has suffered. I have much too slowly realized and implemented a new way of caring for her and saving me - the word "No". Was it hard? Yes. Is it worth it? Yes. Please, please for your sake, your marriage sake and your children's sake make the change needed. Your MIL needs to move out. You need to enjoy these all too fleeting years with your children. Much too quickly they will be grown and gone. You do not want to go down that "I should have..." road in the future.
Keeping you in my thoughts and wishing you well on this journey❤️

Simple but not so simple question for you....
Have you told your husband what you have said here?
What was his response?
Your MIL is 68! Does your husband think that you can do this for another 20 years? Granted it could be not that many but it could also be longer.
She has been with you for 2 years....I am surprised that you have a 1 year old an another on the way!

She Needs assisted Living . ASAP the sooner the better .

You should feel angry. I would be mad as hell if my husband allowed his mother to move into an already crowded household.
Where is your husband in all of this? You don't mention him pitching in or helping in any way. And have you spoken to him about how you're feeling? If he's any kind of man, he should already know how you're feeling just by the look on your face.
This craziness has to stop. It is so very unfair to not only you, but to your young children and unborn child as well.
It's time to have a come to Jesus meeting with your husband first and then your MIL, that you can no longer continue on like this and that your MIL has to go.
And if money is an issue for your MIL, then she'll have to apply for Medicaid and be placed in the appropriate facility.
Her care is NOT your responsibility, nor is it your husbands. Both of your responsibilities are each other first and then your children. PERIOD. End of sentence.
And if your MIL is only 68 years old, heck she could live another 30+ years, not the 10+ that you quoted sad to say.
I too consider myself a strong woman of faith, and under NO circumstances would I allow this nonsense to continue. You've been "sharpened" enough I do believe and now it's time for peace and joy to reside in your house.
I hope and pray that you will have the courage to stand up for yourself and your children and get the ball rolling to make the necessary changes in getting your MIL placed elsewhere soon.
You and your children deserve that much and your children also deserve a mom who is filled with joy and peace and not one that is sad and burned out all the time.
May God bless you and keep you moving forward.

"I’m a strong woman of faith and I believe the Lord has me in this season to sharpen me" That's your first mistake. God/the universe really doesn't care either way.

The second was consenting to let MIL move in. I take it your DH fully believes you should be ever so grateful to take care of his mother since you make no mention of him in your post.

The big question is have you talked to your DH about getting MIL out of your home? What does he say?

You have nothing to feel bad about. These years with your children are precious and mean to be enjoyed. Your faith is a guide (and shouldn’t be attacked here) and it’s guiding you now to protect your home and family. Please let your husband know today of the untenable situation, he needs to find a new plan for his mother to live elsewhere. Don’t let your children grow up resentful of the time and energy MIL is taking from them, along with the peace in their home.

Where is your husband in all this? She's his mother. He should be front and foremost in her care. Or does he consider that your job?

And your husband is WHERE in this equation?

Your Mom in law has a good thirty years left to live.
How old are you? How old will be you when she dies?
Because your infant will be about 31 then.
Is this how you will spend your life?
That question is up to YOU and to NO ONE ELSE. YOU did this.
You willingly took in your MIL into your home and it is now HER home.

You have no right to judge her TV viewing habits or religion (or lack of same). That isn't your business.
It is also a waste of valuable time to marinate in how she lived her life.
That is DONE and OVER. It's too late for that.

SO, what will you do?
Up to you, really.
This is what I would do:
I would sit my husband down and say: "Honey, it is partially my fault that we took your mother in when I had an infant, and that since then I had yet ANOTHER infant, but I am too overwhelmed to go on. I am sorry to tell you, but you now have to choose between your mom and me.
I will be leaving if your mom isn't out of our home within the next 6 months. I will be taking the children and you will have to support us as best you can. I cannot go on in this manner."

Then that's what I would do. I hope to god you have parents willing to take you in with three children.
Some things cannot be fixed. Or there are some "fixes" we get ourselves into that are so horrific they cannot be changed.
I wish you the very best of luck. I am sorry to be so tough on you, but as much as you want to lower the boom on MIL for bad decision making, your OWN decision making is very poor.

People who never smoked or ate badly have strokes and get other terrible illnesses.
My own cousin who ran marathons, ate a healthy, clean, organic diet, and never drank or smoked in his life dropped dead from a massive heart attack at the age of 42. It can happen.

You'd be helping yourself and your young family if you did away with the poor, overworked martyr act. Start there. You chose to have one baby after another. You choose to keep all of them at home. You choose to allow your MIL to basically squat in your house 24/7. Believe me, if she went to church it would not make one bit of difference in your domestic situation.

You know the Lord also gave us all a good bit of practical wisdom to guide our lives.

'God helps those who help themselves'.

It's time for you to start helping yourself because soon you will have four children. They are more important than your MIL. So sit down with your husband and tell him where it's at. His mother is going to be moved out of your house and that is non-negotiable. If he refuses then tell him he better get a second job because he's going to have to with the alimony and child support for four kids that he will be paying.

Good luck to you and please, stand up for yourself. Set a proper example for your kids of a woman who respects herself.

Just tell your husband how you feel, OP. And look into other living arrangements for his mother. I don't know how you can possibly work, be pregnant and take care of 3 babies as it is, never mind a MIL too.

IF she were the type of MIL who would help you with the kids, for instance read to them, help feed them, fold clean laundry, or play games, in any way possible for her, it would be a different story. But your story is not that. Perhaps the Lord is testing you to see how well you are able to stand up for yourself and not just accept misery? She needs someone else to care for her because you are enabling really unhealthy behavior that is also bad for you, your unborn child, and your little ones. The kind of energy she is putting into your house is toxic. Find someone else to take care of her or make these sorts of rules: Tv off during day hours, her frustrations about her diet is hers to bear as you are not responsible for how she feels about it, and she gets out of house at least 3 hours 3 days a week. This is what would be good for her as well, to be around other people, to socialize, to be healthier, body and mind. Take charge of your home for the sake of everyone. You can do it.

I saw your post late last night and was the first person to respond. I felt awful that you were going through such a difficult time.

I don’t think that you are behaving like a martyr. I think that you are overwhelmed and desperately looking for help.

It’s hard to raise children and be a caregiver at the same time. I cared my parents while raising our children.

My mother lived in our home for many years. If I could do things over I would have made her stay temporary until I found a place for her to live.

Sometimes difficult circumstances and our emotions have a way of clouding our judgment. Many people become lost along the way.

Focus on what you can do now to make your life easier for you. The first step is to speak with your husband.

Tell your husband that this situation isn’t sustainable. Your children are your first priority. Ask him if he could accomplish what you are doing if he were in your position.

Make an appointment with a therapist if you feel that you need a mediator to help guide you through this.

I hope that you have some outside help. The stress alone is enough to cause problems during your pregnancy, let alone the additional burden of caregiving.

I am glad that you are comforted by your faith. Hopefully, you do not belong to an ultra conservative fundamentalist religion that believes men run the show and wives don’t have any input. You deserve to be an equal partner with your husband.

There are approximately 10,000 religions in the world. All claiming to know the truth. There will always be mysteries in life. You don’t have to know all of the answers to life’s mysteries. Just find a belief system that works well for you.

Update us when you can. I am sure that you are quite busy and don’t have much free time for yourself.

Take care.

I feel so much for you. Looking back at my life raising 4 boys and feeling like there wasn't enough of me to go around. Husband was a good provider, but that's where any help stopped. It was so hard , and my 4 didn't get enough of me. I look back and think my kids deserved better.

Your kids are so young, my oldest developed bipolar as a teen, next one down toreetts, 3rd one Nero divergent, 4th one asthma. All 4 have very successful happy lives now. What about the future when one or more of your children need special attention.

But to put caregiving in that mix. Your not super woman. You will burn out.

You can'tvdo this. Especially if havingva baby.

I am a woman of faith too, and I do not think God makes people miserable to “sharpen” them. People seem to think God wants them to be unhappy. God is LOVE. Jesus came that we may have life and have it more abundantly. I am so tired of Christians being miserable because they think they deserve punishment and misery.

Your home is no longer a refuge for you and your kids. This ‘sharpening’ is doing nothing but hurting your kids and compromising your mothering them. Do you think God wants your kids to hurt like this?

Move.her.out.

The trapped feeling, I believe, is when you feel you don't have choices.

Do you feel you had a choice to bring your MIL to live with your family?

If you are a woman of Christian faith then I'm assuming you are connected to some church somewhere... have you contacted your church for help?

Even if you are not a regular part of any church, many have Elder Care ministries and may be able to provide some relief. It's not a permanent solution but may buy you some breathing room to begin to find a different solution for your Mom.

Call social services for your county and start talking to a social worker. Get your Mom assessed for in-home services she qualify for. She is young enough to receive SSDI and may be a candidate for Section 8 housing or a group home. She won't like any of it but your burden is unsustainable on any level.

Pray for wisdom. In scripture it is promised that God will always give it to you if you ask. May you receive peace in your heart as you work towards other solutions.

Sorry this has all fallen on you. Where may I ask is your husband in all of this?
This is his mother. He needs to find some other place for his mother to live.

People get strokes all the time, even people who make better health choices. Don't be resentful about that. Be resentful that she's under foot and needs to live some place other than your home and it sounds like you have an absentee husband who has his head up where the sun doesn't shine.

Your children are your priority and having four children is a huge amount of work. You need to be at your best to be a loving mother to them. Get her out of your house pronto.

I can't even imaging caring for 3 very young children and an elderly stroke victim at the same time. And soon you will have a newborn baby? Can anyone at your church perhaps help you find care for your MIL? Or, as others have suggested, call social services.

No matter how strict of a religious background one comes from, it is impossible to to care for babies 5, 3, 1 and newborn and an elder. MIL could live another 20 years. Of course you are sad. Please get help.

Do you think the Lord is sending you a nervous breakdown that will take you away from your babies while you get care in patient, so that he can sharpen you?

Because I speak from experience when I tell you you are going to have PPD and then a nervous breakdown.

It sounds to me that your family has reached a point that a change is required. A new baby on the way will require the full attention and health of the mother. Your living arrangement seems way way too stressful for you (or anyone!!). This level of stress is not sustainable any longer. Where is your partner in caring for his mother? I would bet the situation is too much for him, too. It is time that she moves to a different living site. It's just a simple fact. She doesn't seem happy, as she gets angry and is snarky all the time. She needs to find herself a different living situation. This is her job, as she is an adult. Contact social services, let them know you can't safely care for her any longer. Ask for help, suggestions, contact information. Let the church know that your family needs help relocating her, hopefully before the baby comes. Call in the troops to help you and your husband to HELP HER. You are doing a fine job being a mother and homemaker, much less having a job too!!?! Wow!! You have done your best at elder care for a long time, well done, good job, now it's just too much and SHE NEEDS more than you can provide. You and your husband need to be a united front, and HE needs to be the one to tell her and enforce it since he's her mother. He could also be the one getting up in the night with the new baby and then the one who needs to go do more for his mom while she's still there...Put some more work on him and it could help motivate him. REQUIRE him actively engage in creating a peaceful home, it's more than a paycheck. In all reality, you deserve this time while your children are all still young. You've done a great job helping out, now she needs to a long term solution. Best of luck.

Long answer:
"Ultimately, I don’t feel peace in my house."

This.

I can't say 'peace' was the first word I thought of in house of youngsters 😁.

I thought of the happy noise (& squabbles!) of children at play, the mess of the dressup box & craft, the lego underfoot, music. Baking.. makin' bacon pancakes.. 🎵🥓🥞

Fun, noise, tears & tantrums. Then add the excitment but also the sheer work of a new bub.

I can see why anger is felt.
I can see it is an easy path to direct it towards MIL.

But is it her fault? Really? Is your anger misdirected? Is it because you & not spending your days doing as you choose to? Why not? To avoid conflict. Ok.

It's no-one's fault, but the one with disabilities can sort of take over a houshold. (Stroke is a disability). Others start walking in 'eggshells' as they saying goes to avoid upsetting them.
That's what this appears ro me.

Let's talk about MIL, a stroke survivor. Kind of too young for a NH but too effected by the stroke to be living independantly, right?

Stroke can bring many changes eg mobility issues, physical & mental fatigue, mood changes eg apathy, depression.

* MIL may stay stable for years, but her needs will increase.
* Your children's needs WILL grow.
* You are ONE person.

It's time to start arranging a bigger care team than just you (+ ?husband).

It is your husband’s responsibility to make different arrangements. Does he not understand how emotionally and physically (especially with 4 pregnancies) this affects you?

Short answer:
Adult Day Care for MIL.