Why show her the "discussions about her dementia" when she more than likely won't remember after anyway? I wouldn't keep throwing it in her face, but instead just start educating yourself on this horrific disease, so you'll be better prepared for what lies ahead, and love and support her the best you can. Her food obsession is more than likely linked to her dementia as well. And if possible get hooked up with a local caregiver support group for folks caring for a loved one with dementia. Mine literally saved my life when I was caring for my late husband and was at my wits end. I never shared with my late husband when he was diagnosed with vascular dementia in 2018 that he had dementia, but chose to educate myself and get my "ducks in a row" so I could be there for him the best I could. And I was there for him until his death in 2020. Wishing you the very best as you travel this very difficult journey with your wife.
You’ve already answered your question when you stated that she refuses to accept the fact of dementia.
You can show a dementia patient all sorts of things in hope that they’ll understand, you can talk till you’re blue in the face, you can go through drills with family pix about this is Uncle Myrle and Granny Fran-Fran, but the info won’t stick. So you might as well not get your hopes up.
Dementia is such a cruel disease with no hope of improvement. Why try to get anyone to understand more about their condition or what you’re going through or what’s ahead for them? Go get her a dish of ice cream instead.
You may be missing the understanding and companionship you used to get from her. Try to make new friends who can provide that.
She is diagnosed? With what kind of dementia? Do you know a lot about dementia yourself, or are you just beginning this journey with a newly diagnosed parent?
I think showing her discussions about her dementia is out. First of all, if you showed me any discussions about me, and I was rational, I would say to you "Isn't it a bit skewed to ask perfect strangers to opine about me and my condition?"
Were I demented of course, it is even worse, because I could not retain nor weigh any advice you were given.
The answer, in short--for me, at least-- is "probably not a great idea".
The hardest part of this Dementia/Mild Cognitive Impairment health issue is that it's hard to face the fact that the person you knew, loved and counted on is NOT the same person anymore. They will never be again, either.
You will eventually need to turn to others, hire help and make new friends, or be forever heartbroken.
The whole thing sucks. It's both frustrating and devastating. They used to adore you, help you....and now they basically hate you. They fear and hate their loss and future, and blame you, since you are the most familiar.
It isn't going to change, either. Try to have nice days and let the rest go.
I agree with most of what you say. However, not all people who suffer with dementia become hateful. Although, having grown up around the elderly (my mum managed a sheltered housing complex) I have seen many people become quite combative before they needed to go into a home.
My mum isn't hateful or aggressive. She can have odd moments when she's made to do something she really doesn't want to, but mostly she's in a dreamy half-asleep state. Dementia affects people differently.
Which stands for Listen, Empathize, Agree, and Partner. Rather than trying to convince your loved one they're sick, actively listening to their point of view can help build trust and respect. Being supportive may help encourage your loved one to be more open and honest about their perspective.
Pick up a copy of the book Understanding the Dementia Experience by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller on Amazon so you can learn about dementia and how to help your wife and cope yourself.
As far as a food obsession goes, offer her 6 small meals a day which will make her think she's eating more than she actually is. Lock up foods she needs to avoid and keep fresh fruit and veggies available to her.
It will do no good to show her and "discussions." You cannot convince someoen with Dementia that they have Dementia. They see the world as they see it.
Let go of the idea that your wife is going to be a rational partner. It's tough. I've been there. You need to reach out to other supportive people. It's completely normal for a person with dementia to deny they have dementia. Or to have intermittent understanding that they have a problem. It's best to deal with the individual smaller issues, like helping because she has trouble getting dressed, or making meals because she doesn't know how any more, helping with the phone, the tv remote, and taking over the driving, making appointments, etc. Either do them without comment or, if she asks, talk about how she is having problems with this specific thing. The understanding of her overall disability is your burden to carry.
She won’t believe/understand anything you show her. Quit trying to tell her what her diagnosis is…it doesn’t matter. She will deny, argue and lie about anything. That’s part of the disease. For your own peace of mind, let it go.
Do you think she would say”oh, I have dementia, no wonder things seem weird.” That would never happen. What are you trying to gain by hammering home her disease to her? There is nothing to be gained.
Just stick by her, love her, take care of her the best you can. Get decent help when you need it. Reassure her that she is safe and loved, no matter what.
I'm going through this with my husband. I think the earlier stages are the most difficult because he still has enough awareness to ask questions about what's going on. The problem is that he can't remember the answers so the same questions continue, frustration builds for both of us. For many, the suggestion to make other friends, etc., is not possible because we are 24/7 caregivers. Hiring help is expensive and not an option for many people. I'm giving it my best but it never feels like enough. It is a lonely existence.
I'm sending you a giant hug. Check in with your local aging care center or senior center, they might have suggestions about respite care. Even if just for a day. I'm glad you have found this forum, I've had sooo much help and support. I hope that you will too. You can only do what you can each day, let that be enough for now.
If she has dementia don’t fight it you can’t change it just deal with it and do your best to make her happy. life will never be the same so be thankful for the time you have left.
Facing dementia is not logical. My mother had dementia and lived with us for two years before she died. She only faced her condition rarely and it usually frighten her. My husband dealt with her condition much better by addressing her need for what little control she had. He reassured her when she was upset by her confusion and rearranged our living room when she insisted he had changed it and she couldn't find her bedroom after a short trip we took her on. Reassurance, love, and acknowledging her need for maintaining her dignity as much as possible is healthier for you and her.
It sounds to me like you are at the beginning stages of acceptance. I'm so sorry you both will live through this. It's never what any one looked forward to in old age. Does it really matter if she 'accepts' a diagnosis or not? Will it change anything if she 'accepts' or not? Let it go, YOU have accepted and have started to reach out to seek knowledge and support. THAT matters! (good job!) That might be the best you guys can do right now. That's ok. I expect this is a really hard time right now for you BOTH. It's devastating to face that nothing will be the same (often from minute to minute, and definitely from day to day), and everything will be changing over the next few years. YOU will need to learn about living with someone who has a broken brain. (good job on your efforts here!) The first lesson I learned was not to argue. It won't matter if I'm right and have all the fact sheets to prove it. My reality doesn't matter. The person with the broken brain only can handle what they know right now. Things will be different in a few hours, or a day. Why argue and create tension? I would always try to diffuse and gently allow for a redirection or change of subject. Or even just flat give up and say OK. Some days that's all you can do, that it's enough. This is a heartbreaking disease, for you both. Please be gentle, assure her she is loved, use the time you have with her while you have it. Best of luck!
This is such a lovely response- so caring, so understanding, so kind. I wish we had a group that gathered just to cry and that you could lead that group. This is a brutal illness... but your response is like light in the darkness. Thank you.
I'm not really sure what you expect your wife's response to be. She has dementia, which means that her thought processes are affected.
Dementia is literal damage to the brain. Neurological pathways are changed or lost and there is reduction of brain size, as cells die and are not replaced.
Your wife may not be able to accept her diagnosis, but you can. Learn and understand as much about dementia as you can.
Please remember that it's your wife's illness that has changed the way she thinks and behaves. This isn't her fault.
Nevertheless, at some point you may have to make difficult decisions about how to manage her care. If you are making decisions that are in your wife's best interests, including ensuring that she has a husband who is healthy and can cope, then you are doing the best you can.
Why is it so important to you that she knows and admits she has dementia!!! She knows she’s not functioning well she knows she’s very often confused and she knows she doesn’t remember she knows she’s not thinking clearly . How would it help both of you if she clearly understood she has dementia ? You need to put yourself in her shoes and treat her the way you’d like to be treated in her place !!! it’s a tough one for sure .. but this site is full of good advice … check out web sites … google … podcasts … there’s lots advice for both you there … best of luck
What do you hope to accomplish by having your wife accept the fact that she has dementia? Why are you shoving it in her face when she doesn't have the mental capacity to "accept" it?
Why don't you just love her? The love that I'm referring to is a verb - an action. It's what we do.
The food obsession isn't explained clearly so it's hard to comment on that. If it means that she is overeating or eating the wrong foods when you should be able to deal somewhat with that since you're most likely the food shopper now.
She has dementia. That means her brain can't process the fact that she has dementia. I'm more concerned that it's so important to you to make her accept it. Why? She can't possibly, and she's never going to. YOU, however, can accept it. You can take time to learn more about her disease and what to expect as it progresses. You will be more comfortable with it if you are prepared and have some understanding about how this will affect your lives. If you find yourself struggling with her condition, consider placing her in a comfortable memory care facility. There, she will have professionals who know how to meet her needs and how to address some of the odd behaviors.
In the meantime, simply offer her your love and support, some compassion, and don't argue with her incorrect perspective. You can't reason with her, and arguing about it or correcting her will only leave you both feeling frustrated.
The food obsession thing, perhaps you can limit what she has access to. For instance, control what is in the kitchen. And learn to re-direct her attention to something else. Offer some healthy choices, and don't make her feel bad when she overindulges. Love, Support, Understanding, and ReDirection are going to be your best tools.
Why? Will she understand it? Some experts argue people retain some functions with dementia. If my husband who has Parkinson’s but no dementia (although highly unlikely it is still possible), I would not tell him and certainly not discuss with him.
Your question is understandable. All of us, in the beginning, hope that we can "get through." I'm afraid that many of these answers reflect people who have been through everything and possibly they understand that the nature of dementia is that the affected person doesn't register that anything is different. It's a brutal condition and very trying- we lose our loved one without their physical disappearance. We don't have an opportunity to grieve and we are confronted with learning a whole new world of perception. Please don't feel discouraged by responses that assume you haven't paid attention. Your question is totally what all of us first go through until we are comforted with the knowledge that our loved One's reality has now changed. It's now time to lovingly guide as much as possible- We have learned the hard way that dignity is one of the last functions to go, so we have to treat our mother with tremendous dignity. We lovingly lie to her, pretend we haven't heard that statement before, listen to the same songs over and over again, explain what scallops are without mentioning that she's eaten them hundreds of times... things like that. I wish there were a more satisfying answer, but with time, I hope you find peace with your situation- Blessings...
Thank you for using kinder words than some of us who are jaded and tired and have already been through all of the emotions. You are right. It is something none of us expect when our loved one is still living in our home, but not the person we know. And it is a difficult journey learning to live with this new reality. I spent two years wishing, hoping, praying my husband's brain would come back to something I recognized. It has not. And I know that it never will. We have now learned how to live with this new reality. Its like taking care of a 180 pound infant. Life is VERY different! But I still love him more than anything. Even the new infantile person he has become. Mguterman, there is no shame in turning to professional caregivers for help. It is incredibly difficult to watch your spouse change in a way you don't understand and can't help.
I know it’s difficult but obviously as other people stated you could tell her, but she’s just going to forget it. I’m really glad to find someone else whose loved one has a food obsession because I thought I was the only one thankfully it’s sandwiches and apples, which are relatively healthy. I thought they lost their appetite when they had Alzheimer’s, but we’re seeing just the opposite. She ate a whole bag of apples in 24 hours because I decided to just let her have them. I got so tired of having to cut them in half. Needless to say they were repercussions it has mellowed out some lately hopefully with you that will happen too. If you could get her a mini fridge and buy her healthy snacks and stick in there and just let her have at it. You all the best. Hopefully she’s pleasant and if that’s the case, you’re blessed if you need to Place her you can still be there for her sad thing is they discovered that being a caregiver of a make with dementia which higher risk for it. They don’t seem to know why.
That's what I have to constantly remind myself. It's hard. You want them to understand but they can't. In a way, they are grieving the things they've lost. My husband will say he wants to pastor again. He doesn't realize that for a year, he preached the same three sermons. He wants to lead worship again, but he only knows a few songs now. He plays the same ten songs or so every time he picks up his guitar. I'm so glad he can still play, but he could never lead worship the way he used to. He knows what he once did and he is grieving the loss of those things.
It’s really interesting how our minds work, isn’t it?
Tony Bennet’s wife said that her husband never forgot her name.
He suffered from dementia, but as soon as he got out on stage he remembered all of the words to his songs. Yet, he couldn’t tell anyone what he ate for lunch that day.
I am happy that your husband still knows at least three songs. I wish that he would be able to be a worship leader again because it meant so much to him at one point in his life.
Our jazz festival is in session now and the gospel tent is always packed with people listening to beautiful music from local choirs.
When Aaron Neville is singing in the gospel tent I always go to see him. He has quite a testimony. He attributes his faith to his mother’s loving example.
I remember my mom asking why her brain didn’t work anymore, broke my heart to know she had such awareness of her condition. I tried to gently explain what was happening, but that made her grief worse. She doesn’t ask anymore and we find reasons to laugh at her word salad and some of the funny things she says and does. It’s good for both of us. Check out Teepa Snow on you tube for expert advice and dealing with difficult situations. The early days of dementia were most frightening to me, I’ve found her easier to deal with as it’s progressed.
Same here. I know that my mum was sometimes frightened when she hadn't understood something that she felt she ought to. But, now, things generally just slide past her. Mostly, my mum is content, now that she isn't as aware that she's confused or not remembering. However, she does sometimes feel anxious without knowing why. Unfortunately, the doctor doesn't want to prescribe anti-anxiety medication. Although, that might be because of contraindications to do with her epilepsy. Thankfully, those episodes are not frequent.
I wouldn't keep throwing it in her face, but instead just start educating yourself on this horrific disease, so you'll be better prepared for what lies ahead, and love and support her the best you can.
Her food obsession is more than likely linked to her dementia as well.
And if possible get hooked up with a local caregiver support group for folks caring for a loved one with dementia. Mine literally saved my life when I was caring for my late husband and was at my wits end.
I never shared with my late husband when he was diagnosed with vascular dementia in 2018 that he had dementia, but chose to educate myself and get my "ducks in a row" so I could be there for him the best I could.
And I was there for him until his death in 2020.
Wishing you the very best as you travel this very difficult journey with your wife.
You can show a dementia patient all sorts of things in hope that they’ll understand, you can talk till you’re blue in the face, you can go through drills with family pix about this is Uncle Myrle and Granny Fran-Fran, but the info won’t stick. So you might as well not get your hopes up.
Dementia is such a cruel disease with no hope of improvement. Why try to get anyone to understand more about their condition or what you’re going through or what’s ahead for them? Go get her a dish of ice cream instead.
You may be missing the understanding and companionship you used to get from her. Try to make new friends who can provide that.
With what kind of dementia?
Do you know a lot about dementia yourself, or are you just beginning this journey with a newly diagnosed parent?
I think showing her discussions about her dementia is out.
First of all, if you showed me any discussions about me, and I was rational, I would say to you "Isn't it a bit skewed to ask perfect strangers to opine about me and my condition?"
Were I demented of course, it is even worse, because I could not retain nor weigh any advice you were given.
The answer, in short--for me, at least-- is "probably not a great idea".
You will eventually need to turn to others, hire help and make new friends, or be forever heartbroken.
The whole thing sucks. It's both frustrating and devastating. They used to adore you, help you....and now they basically hate you. They fear and hate their loss and future, and blame you, since you are the most familiar.
It isn't going to change, either. Try to have nice days and let the rest go.
My mum isn't hateful or aggressive. She can have odd moments when she's made to do something she really doesn't want to, but mostly she's in a dreamy half-asleep state. Dementia affects people differently.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/anosognosia-dementia-patients-cant-recognize-impairment-210090.htm
Remember the acronym LEAP:
Which stands for Listen, Empathize, Agree, and Partner. Rather than trying to convince your loved one they're sick, actively listening to their point of view can help build trust and respect. Being supportive may help encourage your loved one to be more open and honest about their perspective.
Pick up a copy of the book Understanding the Dementia Experience by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller on Amazon so you can learn about dementia and how to help your wife and cope yourself.
As far as a food obsession goes, offer her 6 small meals a day which will make her think she's eating more than she actually is. Lock up foods she needs to avoid and keep fresh fruit and veggies available to her.
Good luck to you.
There is a huge difference between senior moments and dementia.
Do you think she would say”oh, I have dementia, no wonder things seem weird.” That would never happen. What are you trying to gain by hammering home her disease to her? There is nothing to be gained.
Just stick by her, love her, take care of her the best you can. Get decent help when you need it. Reassure her that she is safe and loved, no matter what.
life will never be the same so be thankful for the time you have left.
Dementia is literal damage to the brain. Neurological pathways are changed or lost and there is reduction of brain size, as cells die and are not replaced.
Your wife may not be able to accept her diagnosis, but you can. Learn and understand as much about dementia as you can.
Please remember that it's your wife's illness that has changed the way she thinks and behaves. This isn't her fault.
Nevertheless, at some point you may have to make difficult decisions about how to manage her care. If you are making decisions that are in your wife's best interests, including ensuring that she has a husband who is healthy and can cope, then you are doing the best you can.
knows and admits she has dementia!!!
She knows she’s not functioning well
she knows she’s very often confused
and she knows she doesn’t remember
she knows she’s not thinking clearly .
How would it help both of you if she
clearly understood she has dementia ?
You need to put yourself in her shoes and treat her the way you’d like to be treated in her place !!!
it’s a tough one for sure .. but this site is full of good advice … check out web sites … google … podcasts … there’s lots advice for both you there …
best of luck
Why don't you just love her? The love that I'm referring to is a verb - an action. It's what we do.
The food obsession isn't explained clearly so it's hard to comment on that. If it means that she is overeating or eating the wrong foods when you should be able to deal somewhat with that since you're most likely the food shopper now.
I'm more concerned that it's so important to you to make her accept it. Why?
She can't possibly, and she's never going to.
YOU, however, can accept it. You can take time to learn more about her disease and what to expect as it progresses. You will be more comfortable with it if you are prepared and have some understanding about how this will affect your lives.
If you find yourself struggling with her condition, consider placing her in a comfortable memory care facility. There, she will have professionals who know how to meet her needs and how to address some of the odd behaviors.
In the meantime, simply offer her your love and support, some compassion, and don't argue with her incorrect perspective. You can't reason with her, and arguing about it or correcting her will only leave you both feeling frustrated.
The food obsession thing, perhaps you can limit what she has access to.
For instance, control what is in the kitchen. And learn to re-direct her attention to something else. Offer some healthy choices, and don't make her feel bad when she overindulges. Love, Support, Understanding, and ReDirection are going to be your best tools.
Will she understand it?
Some experts argue people retain some functions with dementia.
If my husband who has Parkinson’s but no dementia (although highly unlikely it is still possible), I would not tell him and certainly not discuss with him.
You are right. It is something none of us expect when our loved one is still living in our home, but not the person we know. And it is a difficult journey learning to live with this new reality.
I spent two years wishing, hoping, praying my husband's brain would come back to something I recognized. It has not. And I know that it never will. We have now learned how to live with this new reality. Its like taking care of a 180 pound infant. Life is VERY different! But I still love him more than anything. Even the new infantile person he has become.
Mguterman, there is no shame in turning to professional caregivers for help. It is incredibly difficult to watch your spouse change in a way you don't understand and can't help.
it has mellowed out some lately hopefully with you that will happen too. If you could get her a mini fridge and buy her healthy snacks and stick in there and just let her have at it. You all the best. Hopefully she’s pleasant and if that’s the case, you’re blessed if you need to Place her you can still be there for her sad thing is they discovered that being a caregiver of a make with dementia which higher risk for it. They don’t seem to know why.
You can't reason with a broken brain.
That's what I have to constantly remind myself. It's hard. You want them to understand but they can't. In a way, they are grieving the things they've lost. My husband will say he wants to pastor again. He doesn't realize that for a year, he preached the same three sermons. He wants to lead worship again, but he only knows a few songs now. He plays the same ten songs or so every time he picks up his guitar. I'm so glad he can still play, but he could never lead worship the way he used to. He knows what he once did and he is grieving the loss of those things.
Your wife is grieving too.
It’s really interesting how our minds work, isn’t it?
Tony Bennet’s wife said that her husband never forgot her name.
He suffered from dementia, but as soon as he got out on stage he remembered all of the words to his songs. Yet, he couldn’t tell anyone what he ate for lunch that day.
I am happy that your husband still knows at least three songs. I wish that he would be able to be a worship leader again because it meant so much to him at one point in his life.
Our jazz festival is in session now and the gospel tent is always packed with people listening to beautiful music from local choirs.
When Aaron Neville is singing in the gospel tent I always go to see him. He has quite a testimony. He attributes his faith to his mother’s loving example.
Mostly, my mum is content, now that she isn't as aware that she's confused or not remembering. However, she does sometimes feel anxious without knowing why.
Unfortunately, the doctor doesn't want to prescribe anti-anxiety medication. Although, that might be because of contraindications to do with her epilepsy. Thankfully, those episodes are not frequent.