Follow
Share

My husband has frontal variant Alzheimer’s diagnosed four years ago. Two years ago he had a hospital stay for viral encephalitis which took him down both physically and mentally due to brain swelling to the point that he would not be released unless he had 24/7 care. I was able to place him in assisted living first but then he wandered out and needed to be placed in their memory care unit. It was there that he began his quest for physical intimacy with other female residents, culminating in me walking in on him and another woman undressed in his bed. I moved him to another memory care unit where they are better at keeping an eye on him, but he continues on his quest, kissing, holding hands, putting his hand down women’s blouses, and squeezing rear ends of residents (and staff), and attempting to bring them to his apartment. I have tried staying away for a week, but mostly I go every day or every other day to visit or take him on outings thinking with more interaction I can change his behavior. We hold hands and kiss, but it’s harder for me to want to. Previous to his Alzheimer’s diagnosis we were living in separate homes for a year due to his emotionally and verbally abusive behavior towards me (he tried to keep me away from my family). I will not be able to care for him at home even though I know that would solve the problem. His two sons are incapable of helping out (one alcoholic, one barely independent due to autism). So I’m the responsible party, trustee, and POA financial and medical.



Because it doesn’t seem like I can control or change any of this, I’m looking for advice on how to not care what he’s doing with the women. I find myself full of anger, stress, embarrassment, hurt, and frustration to the point that I feel that I’m not treating him kindly. I’m not sleeping well. I actually asked staff if they could let him go .. stop redirecting and let him find a companion and do what he wants so I know he is content and happy. Then maybe I can disappear into the sunset at least to where I’m just doing the necessary doctor and dentist visits, etc., and not be around so much to witness his antics or be told every little detail about them, but staff feels they can’t just let him “go.” Apparently there is a family there with a mother he’s pursuing and they are NOT happy with what’s going on. So I feel that my only solution is for me to get an attitude adjustment and I don’t know how. I’ve tried so hard to just think about him as an older brother or something and it’s just not working. I have loved this man and don’t know how to flip the switch and not be hurt. It’s possible it’s just exhaustion. There is way too much caregiving in my life with my husband’s needs, autistic stepson’s needs, and babysitting grandkids etc.



Thanks for any advice and hope you all have a great day. We all deserve that.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
He is a risk to the safety and wellbeing of women patients in memory care. I see a litigation case on the horizon for the facility. It is their responsibility to control. Perhaps a phone call or appointment with his neurologist would help. Forget the dentist. You should not be asking the staff to let him find a girlfriend!
This is creepy!! Women are being sexually assaulted by your husband who can't help himself.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

“People excuse the behavior of demented people on this board ALL the time because their brains are broken and they don't know what they are doing. If that is true then allowing them to have sex should not be allowed.” That’s a total non-sequitur. Logic would mean “If that is true then sex should be excused too”.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
AlvaDeer May 22, 2024
Absolutely right.
Our OP isn't being asked to accept inappropriate behavior.
She is being asked to accept that her loved one's brain is broken utterly.
Two different things.
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
My dh’s friend’s mom hooked up with several males in her mc. The family’s question was always whether the two appeared to be enjoying it, and if so it was fine with the family.

This was before the 2015 court decision finding that people with dementia still could have sexual consent. Since then, more homes have moved to the philosophy above.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
sp196902 May 22, 2024
Ridiculous.
(3)
Report
See 4 more replies
Calgrammie,

Sandra Day o Connor quit the high court to care for her husband, whom she later placed. The husband got a “girlfriend” that she walked in on holding hands, so she just took the other one.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
sp196902 May 21, 2024
What if he was having sex with the other woman. What would she have done then, climb into bed with them?
(4)
Report
See 1 more reply
Hi Caligrammie6:

Please do not feel hurt, or responsible for his actions, it is not him, it is the disease. I had to deal with that with my father.

There are several studies examining hypersexuality in dementia, including its prevalence, contributing factors, and management strategies. These studies often involve clinical observations, surveys of caregivers or healthcare professionals, and neuroimaging to understand the brain changes associated with hypersexuality in dementia patients.

Some findings suggest that hypersexuality can occur in various stages of dementia and may be more prevalent in certain types of dementia, such as frontotemporal dementia, which affects areas of the brain responsible for impulse control and social behavior. Hypersexuality in dementia is influenced by individual factors, including personality, past behavior, and the progression of the disease.

There are meds to control it, but seriously to what end. AL/MC facilities are aware of it ad it is common. Talk with the MC administrator or the Director of nursing or both to see if/how they manage the situation and also speak with his Neuro as to develop tailored treatment if that is the route you want to take.

I would, as others did recommend you to cut down on visit.

If you are interested in specific studies on hypersexuality and Alzheimer's, dementia, take a look at academic databases like PubMed or Google Scholar, they can provide access to relevant research articles.

Best wishes.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Calliegrammie, I am so sorry to hear this, it sounds very distressing. I echo what others have said. Cut back on your visits for your own peace of mind and well being. At a minimum, give yourself a week or two of vacation from visiting him. If I were you, I would stop with the outings and probably even the handholding and kissing — don’t do anything that bothers or distresses you that you don’t have to do. You count at least as much as he does at this point!! Preserve your own mental strength and quality of life as much as you can!

The facility has got to step it up to do whatever to curb this behavior just as they would with any other behavior that is having a negative effect on other residents. Of course this particular behavior affects you deeply and personally. But to them, it should be like any other problematic behavior like if he were stealing food, or creating hazardous or unsanitary conditions or too much noise.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I am so sorry that you are going through this.

Your husband needs to be in a more secure facility on strong meds because he's a danger to women. Most people are sad that meds are making their LOs dopey, but that's exactly what's needed here.

It's not his fault, but that doesn't mean that women near him should be at risk of sexual harassment and abuse. That is exactly what's happening at the moment.

Stop visiting. He's no longer the man you knew. Now it's time to take care of you.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

You should limit your visits. The less you witness the better off you are. I understand you loved this man but that person does not exist anymore. Only his body is there. Find a support group. There were some good suggestions posted.

Rely on the facility to take him for his doctor visits. Just do as little as possible.

I would definitely meet with his team to talk about what could be done about his hyper sexuality. This is not fair to the women on the floor.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

You mentioned you’d be open to him having relationships. Tell the staff that. The courts ruled in 2015 that dementia patients could consent to sex, and since then, facilities have trended toward focusing on preventing random groping or masturbating in the day room as opposed to finding two residents in a room undressed with big teenage sheepish grins on their faces.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
sp196902 Apr 13, 2024
I knew you would chime in soon enough with this nonsense PeggySue.
(3)
Report
See 4 more replies
“I will not be able to care for him at home even though I know that would solve the problem.”

No, it wouldn’t. You and staff can re-direct him but can’t change his thinking. He needs medication that can curtail the behavior.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

There are multiple elements of this post

First and foremost is to the point of Calligrammie's title of the post - how to help her to emotionally and mentally deal with whats going on, realizing this is her husband.
- I'm sorry you are going through this. As AlvaDeer mentioned, try to keep in mind that its his disease and broken brain that is doing this. I know that is not easy to rationalize with.

Other elements of the topic are whether to get the behavior suppressed (medically ), versus address it in other ways. That is so difficult, but I hope the OP has other people including the ML staff to think about solutions to how it may affect other women (residents, staff) in the facility etc. It would be hard to expect the OP, in the position she is in and how it affecting her, to be responsible for how to decide to treat the behavior too.
I would think safety of staff and other residents and solution to that should be ocming from ML staff and OP's husband's doctor, and care team?
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

A Meditation teacher Thomas Victor Carroll meets on Instagram For Quiksilver at about 3:53 Pm Eastern Time and teaches meditation . He is a world Famous Surfer and then he meets on His Page at 3 pm ( sometimes you have to check because he is in Australia ) Wednesdays and Fridays . I think he is One of the best meditation teachers and Its free and meets for about 45 Minutes - 3 times a week . I find His Voice and thoughts very healing and holistic . The best thing in Life for your brain and Body is a swim in the ocean - I do that as Often as Possible in warm weather . That is free and really takes the stress out of the body . I bet you could find a Free reiki circle to at a holistic store .
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Isthisrealyreal May 21, 2024
Or a Chiropractor office has reiki occasionally.
(0)
Report
I Can suggest a couple support groups for you that are free - Alzheimers association has Zoom Classes in Brewster , MA. on Cape Cod - They do a course the Savvy caregiver course That is 6 weeks and usually there is a Follow up support group and also a class with Teepa Snow and a Mindfullness mediation Class . I Have taken Many Classes with Joan Halifax at Upaya Zen Center in Santa Fe , NM - That is by Donation Or Free . The G.R.A.C.E Class is Very Good for caregivers - I have taken that 3 times . Joan Has Done a Lot in the Death and Dying field and written many Books . Frank Ostaseski Has done Many work shops in The Death and dying field with Elizabeth Kubler Ross and for caregivers - He Has workshops and Support groups That Meet once a Month - That Is sliding scale . I used an Acupuncture clinic called Acupuncture for Everyone - The can be found all Over the country - sliding scale $25- $60 .
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

How disgusting but not uncommon. If you are the POA, give the memory care facility permission to medicate him to keep his dementia-related hypersexuality surpressed.

This kind of behavior eventhough it's beyond his control, makes him a dangerous predator to the women who are residents in the same memory care and it has to be stopped.

Have a meeting with the care team at the memory care and give your permission for them to medicate him at their discretion to stop the hypersexual behavior.

As for you coping with it. There's nothing for you to cope with. Your husband is in memory care not home with you. Don't let yourself fixate on his behavior because you'll drive yourself crazy.

You aren't the one who needs an attitude adjustment here. Your dementia-sexual predator husband is the one who needs to be medicated to stop this behavior. It's not up to you to medicate and baby-sit him. That's the job of the memory care he's in. It's also the job of the memory care to take him to the doctor and dentist. You don't have to do that and you shouldn't.

As for the "mother" he's got his eye on at the memory care. You can't blame her family for wanting to keep her safe. He needs to be medicated immediately.

My friend, you have a right to have some contentment in your life. Stop visiting your husband in the memory care and only check up on him through staff. Or cut the visits down to once a month. Stop babysitting for your grandkids too. You raised your children already. Now it's time for them to grow up and take care of their own families.

Where's your autistic step-son's mother? Why isn't she responsible for him? You know the state will appoint a conservator over him if he needs to be taken care of so he's not your responnsibility.

Let yourself have some kind of a life. You deserve to.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Isn't he on any meds for his hypersexuality? If not, why not? If he is then this needs to be revisited by his doctor.

As long as you continue to accept being the responsible party, no, you cannot "just let him go" since what he's doing is assaulting people -- and even the other residents who seem to "consent" don't know what they're doing. I'd be outraged if he were doing it to my LO and his PoA and the staff were looking the other way.

Yes, you do definitely have too much caregiving going on. You need to let go of some or all of it. You are in control of this but for some reason your guilt (or something) is imprisoning or paralyzing you. You can resign from being your husband's PoA and trustee at any time... you just have to be willing to accept what happens after that and be at peace with it.

Your autistic stepson... are you guardian for him too? If so, you can relinquish this as well. None of it will feel good but it will help you keep your sanity and health. Sometimes there are no good solutions, only "least bad" options.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Caligrammie6 Apr 12, 2024
Yes there have been many medication changes/additions over the last year. He is under the care of a collaboration of doctors at our local teaching hospital who specialize in Alzheimer’s and other dementia’s, but he’s still not where they want him to be behaviorally. He just started trazodone and next up is an antidepressant to decrease libido further. Hopefully something starts working. They have to take it slow to watch for side effects, and many of the drugs can create a fall risk. No I’m not the stepson’s guardian— alcoholic brother is but he lives on the east coast. There are no other relatives here. I’ve made huge progress with saying “call your brother to help you with that.” He also has an independent living counselor 3 hours a week for appointments and shopping. I’m left with his birthday, Christmas, Thanksgiving etc. I’m going to stop that as well. His brother will never move him to NY if I keep providing.
(4)
Report
See 2 more replies
I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

Medication! I hope his doctors can recommend something that works. Of course you're going to care what he's doing with other women - he's your husband. What would help me to put it in perspective is that you were living separately due to his emotional and verbal abuse. He is your abuser. ABUSER! We owe our abusers nothing. He is not worth the agony you are experiencing now. Once abused, we need to slam our emotions into a different gear. We need to learn to think differently. Yes, you loved him, but realize that he's a jerk, was a jerk before, and getting sick does not excuse him from what he did to you before.

Because we feel sorry for them, because we loved them, we give them a pass. So they, with their sense of entitlement, keep on doing it. If husband hadn't become ill, he'd probably be abusing someone else by now. Well, actually, he is. He's a sexual predator. Yada yada yada, yeah, but he's sick. That's a fact. He's still preying on women, though, and that's a fact too.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Caligrammie6 Apr 12, 2024
Much of what you stated makes perfect sense. Thank you for opening my eyes. Many meds have come/gone/changed over the last year. Doctors are still trying to figure it out.
(1)
Report
I’m sorry for your hurt in this. I’m quite surprised no one has suggested medication to calm your husband’s behavior. It’s far more than embarrassing, it’s putting the facility at risk for being sued if he takes it too far with a resident whose family might be prone to sue. Please have him evaluated for medication to help. It may also help to retrain yourself to view him differently, not as the husband you once knew, but simply as a human in need of an advocate while in a care setting. It means seeing him from a new perspective, much more emotionally distant. I wish you peace
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Caligrammie6 Apr 12, 2024
Thank you — yes meds have been introduced, taken away, shuffled around over the last year. Now on Namenda instead of Aricept, switched out his prostate med to another that decreases libido, recently started trazodone during the day, and next is to try some antidepressants that have side effects of decreased libido. From what I’ve been told, they can make him incapable but they can’t take away the “thoughts” entirely.
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
I think you already have the answer you need: “Maybe I can disappear into the sunset”. It seems that you feel that you need to make everything as good as possible before you head off. However perhaps you don’t need to solve any of this. You are not responsible for his behavior, and you can’t make it ‘good’. You don’t have a magic wand.

Can you cut the emotional tie, the way you would if heading for a divorce or permanent separation? You say “we were living in separate homes for a year due to his emotionally and verbally abusive behavior towards me”, so you were on the way there before he went into care. You also say “I have loved this man”, and it’s ‘have’ in the past, not the present.

Set yourself free, let the professionals deal with the problem, and walk away. It won’t make anything worse than it is now, and it will do what you ought to do for yourself. You matter too, and you know it. If you want, you can keep in touch and visit every couple of months. It doesn't need to be a bitter separation, but you really do need a separation that lets you off the hook.
Helpful Answer (11)
Report
waytomisery Apr 11, 2024
This ! Cali , you were already living in seperate homes because he was abusive . Be a distant advocate to make sure he is cared for . Let the facility deal with his behavior . Visit once or twice a month just to see he looks cared for . Stop trying to hold his hands etc , it’s not going to change his behavior . You are not responsible for his behavior . Do a quick visit as if you were simply a friend .
(6)
Report
See 3 more replies
Believe it or not this isn't an emotional or sexual problem.
This is a medical problem.
I am quite shocked that no one at his facility has discussed that fact with you.
It is time to speak to the doctor about the hypersexuality he is suffering due to his broken brain.
This is not the man you loved and married. His brain now, if scanned, looks like "swiss cheese" as a neurologist I recently read about his own case of Alzheimer's put it. No one is at fault here. Hopefully medications will help.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Caligrammie6 Apr 12, 2024
Thanks for your response, I did forget to mention his meds are being worked on but so far with not much success. They are trying but each change takes time. They watch for side effects and dizziness especially because of his fall risk. He has other health issues as well.
(1)
Report
See 3 more replies
This really infuriates me because the women in memory care can’t consent! It’s a legal issue. Not to mention a moral and ethical one for the company.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
Caligrammie6 Apr 12, 2024
It is serious, and the facility isn’t ignoring it. He is checked on every 15 minutes now. I’m afraid he will get asked to leave. I wish I could find an all male facility but so far no luck.
(2)
Report
See 3 more replies
This sounds very stressful on so many levels—I’m very sorry to hear it. I’m not sure I have any insight on “attitude adjustment” for you, but I think it would be easier to adjust if these behaviors were diminished.

Hypersexuality is not uncommon in dementia, and if it is causing problems (as here) and behavioral management isn’t enough, there are medical treatments (pills and patches) that diminish sexual drive or behaviors. Does he have a doctor who could investigate these?
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
Caligrammie6 Apr 12, 2024
He is on meds and they are working hard to get the right cocktail. He has other health issues as well and lots of drugs cause dizziness. He’s a fall risk. I will find out about patches. I’m not aware of that. So far the docs lean towards meds used for other purposes that have the side effect of decreased libido.
(1)
Report
Gosh get a therapist and take a cruise . Get some head space for yourself and Meet some new people . Hypersexuality can Play a role in Dementia , sometimes it is a Phase . If you can't get away get a massage for yourself and focus on you .
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Caligrammie6 Apr 12, 2024
Therapists cost $175 a session here. I had one for a few years but she retired before the Alzheimer’s started. Not enough in the budget anymore. Checking out support groups instead. A massage sounds nice!
(4)
Report
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter