Any suggestions on how to talk to a parent about dying?

As I wrote my last message, I remembered that I'd had to tell my dad (who I'd not seen since I was 3 years old, which I don't remember) that he was in stage 4 cancer and dying. Not only that, but I had to tell him over the phone.

I didn't want to do it and I agonised over my decision, but I knew that it was in his best interests.

My father was living in Thailand when he suddenly became paralysed. It seemed that as soon as he was told the scan showed a mass on his spine that his body just gave up. This was February/March 2021, when lockdowns and quarantines were in force, both here in the UK and in Thailand.

The first hospital sent me all his doctors' notes and results of tests, so I could see that he had lung cancer (which he wasn't told); the bone cancer was secondary, as were the tumours on his kidney and adrenal gland (again, he didn't know). The cancer had spread throughout his bones and affected most of his spine.

Here, he would have been placed on palliative care, but there they do every treatment to cure, even when it isn't possible.

I had to tell my dad and his friends because they had arranged for him to have both chemotherapy and radiotherapy, and I wanted them to cancel. It would have been detrimental to his wellbeing.

I pointed out that the treatments attack soft tissues, affecting stomach, eyes and the inside of the mouth. So, 2 of the remaining pleasures he had - eating delicious food and seeing beautiful sights (the care home garden and nurses) - would be lost.
He would be in pain, which at that point wasn't the case.
Furthermore, his immune system would be affected, making him even more susceptible to covid.

Finally, he wasn't a Thai citizen and he didn't have health insurance, so he was having to pay everything himself. What would happen when his finances ran out? His medical care would stop and so would his daily care, which was high as he was completely paralysed now. I didn't have enough money to pay for his care.

I got abusive phone calls from the friend who was arranging everything - he thought that I wanted my dad to die and then take his remaining money. My dad, however, shut it out and was in denial. That was how he dealt with it. After a couple of days, his phone calls were jolly again, while he made plans for what we'd do when he came back to the UK.

I finally got to meet my dad; his remaining money was spent on a medical repatriation company whose nurses brought him to the UK. He believed that the NHS would save him.
He died six weeks later, still making plans for where we would go and what we would see, right up until the end.

I'm glad that we kept fear at bay, as much as possible. I certainly wouldn't make someone face the reality of their death, unless it was absolutely necessary.

The thing is - until they stop, a dying person is actually still living.

If someone is afraid of dying, or doesn't want to talk about death, then it's unfair to do so.

You can tell your father what he means to you, without talking about his imminent death. You might not be a touchy-feely family, but you can talk in terms of respect and what he taught you.

Perhaps you could preface this with saying that you remembered an incident from when you were young and it got you thinking. If you place the discussion in a different context, rather than you wanting to let him know how much he means to you before he dies, then it might be easier to say.

I wish you strength and peace in this difficult time.

You don't have to mention his imminent demise in order to tell him how you feel. By all means tell him how you feel!

Our parents were raised in a different era. My father wasn’t one to share his emotions easily. He didn’t have a father who did that with him.

I knew who my father was, in spite of his lack of words by the life he led. My mother and his children meant the world to him.

As far as I was concerned, he didn’t need to express his feelings with words. His actions told the whole story of the man that he was.

When he was dying, I would pick up my mother and we would drive to see him in the hospital. I would give my mother time alone with him, then I would go in and visit him.

Many times I would bring Mom home because she was tired and I wanted her to get the proper rest she needed and then I would drive back to the hospital to see Dad for a little while longer before driving home.

I discovered that my father didn’t want to upset my mother and he would talk to me more often when she wasn’t there.

My father was never afraid of dying. He was ready to go whenever his number came up. He hated leaving us behind but I was so grateful that he had no fear.

I was a daddy’s girl. I adored my father. I was surprised when he told me one evening that he was sorry for anything he ever did to disappoint me. I assured him that he never disappointed me.

He said that he was so very proud of how I had grown up and raising my own children. I told him that I was proud of him too. I said that I learned so much from his example.

I think he knew that the end was near. I think a lot of people know when they are dying. I don’t think they necessarily have a need to speak about it.

I wouldn’t be very concerned if your dad doesn’t talk about dying. Just let him talk about whatever he wants to.

Or, not talk at all if he doesn’t feel like talking. Words don’t tell us everything. We can show our love in many ways without saying one single word.

Wishing you peace during this difficult time in your life.

Tell whatever you think is important for him to hear. Write whatever you think is important for him to be able to read - maybe multiple times. Do this now.

Not sure "where" you are living. I'm writing this from California. We have a few options that might help you on your family's journey exploring grief, loss, and death.
Out here, we have the option to work privately with a Death Dula to identify grief resources in the community and help create affirming celebrations of your loved one tailored to your needs. Dulas can also help the family gather the end-of-life paperwork, and support the family and loved one through the death and dying process. Contact: FinalPassages.org for help locating dulas in your area.
Thinking of you in your time of sorrow. Wishing you peace,

Aries2love: Just show the love to your father that you've been doing.

My advice is don’t. As long as your will and final wishes are documented there is no reason to dwell of the inevitable .

I'll share with you what I did when my dad was dying. My dad was not very expressive emotionally and he was nearly deaf so conversation was difficult at best, impossible at its worst. Dad had heart failure and was pretty miserable for the last 2 years. He was 94 when he died. He had been married about 25 years to his second wife after my mother's death. His wife wanted to "save" him at all costs. When I mentioned Hospice to him at my last in person visit with him, the wife who always inserted herself into our conversations, came rushing in saying, "We don't believe in THAT. Why don't you take him out back and shoot him."

I felt there was lot that I wanted to say before he died. I wrote a series of letters. With each I wrote an unfiltered draft that included some of my pain connected to our relationship. First draft was a no-send letter. That was very therapeutic for ME. From the first draft I edited the letters to be a recollection of my life as his daughter. Here, I found and expressed gratitude for a lot and edited out the grievances. The structure for the very first letter I sent him used active imagination. I recalled the day and date of my birth. I speculated about what that day must have been like for him and the family. I went on to speculate about what was happening in the town and the world on that Sunday morning. He didn't say a lot to me about it but it clearly meant a lot to him.

I never got back from him what I yearned for, but I felt very good that I was able to examine our relationship and express appreciation to him.

I am a retired therapist and I turned this into a process for my clients to use to find some resolution at the end or even after the death of a loved one.

It is good that your dad has accepted Hospice care and has your love. I encourage you to figure out what you need right now. If my letter writing idea speaks to you, please try it. You both may benefit.

P.S. My dad asked me to write his obituary right before he died, which I did. My husband was traveling that weekend. When he came home he found me pecking away at my computer crying a river of tears. He wanted to know what I was doing. I told him I was writing Dad's obituary. He said I should have called him! He thought Dad had already passed.

Arires, writing his obituary was very therapeutic, too.

You can talk to him - share how you feel about him.
Tell him why and how you appreciated him as a human being, as a father.
This isn't talking about dying.
And you do not have to mention / talk about dying.

I would consider touch - gentle touch, hold his hand while talking to him.
Smile, you show affection in a very gentle way. Perhaps give him a gentle neck massage. Whatever feels right.

I understand the relationship and I am sad for your loss - the disconnect. That was my relationship with my dad, too. Although I was very frightened of him as a child. While it doesn't necessarily provide comfort, consider why he was emotional distant / unavailable as he was. He was a wounded, if not traumatized man, in addition to how men are socialized in this country - to not show emotion ... although that was more like 50-70 years ago. That image of 'how a man should be' is still there lurking in society.

Gena / Touch Matters

Be honest about your feelings. Ask him to stop being tough and be honest how he feels. My dad did not want to tell anyone he was in pain until I begged him.

How you going to talk to yourself about it start practicing you will get there sooner than you think or want to. Your in a flurry living and low and behold you wake up and people around you are dying and you get to wondering when it will be your turn. Might join a church support group that's what they are about but don't be so heavenly bound that you are no earthly good. Forget who said that.

My mama never wanted to talk about dying but my daddy would. So.... depending about what about dying are you trying to get out of him is the question.
If its the funeral part of the dying - just know my opinion is the funeral is not for the dead its for the living. We want to remember our family in the best way and want to show it!
If its about what happens after death - my belief is that when we are absent from the body we are present with the Lord Jesus.
If its about during death and the person needs not to be in pain - give them that morphine! - when my daddy was dying and his body was in tremors the hospice nurse told me it's because the body is dying. I told the nurse - I never want to see that again - I don't want him in pain I don't care what you need to do - she said - every hour we would need to give him a pain shot - I said do it that my daddy was not to be in ANY KIND OF PAIN. His hospice company was the best!

Show him family Photographs , Play some of His favorite Music , face timing Him if Possible . I Brought My mother a orchid Plant she Liked flowers . Sit and watch Tv with them . It is best to just go with the Flow . Does he have a Will ? Right Now all they need is company and good memories .

Show Dad love and appreciation. Encourage him to talk about his life, not his death. Don't worry about his death. If he has any specific wishes he will have instructions somewhere, or tell someone what he wants done. Share family stories of good times in the past. Look at family pictures together. Cherish the time you have left together. If he doesn't want this he will tell you.

I started out months in advance by asking mom what kind of flowers she likes/wanted for her funeral. Then we discussed music/ liturgy and the luncheon after the service. I then went online and we picked out the urn and flower displays with the colors she wanted. This let her know how much she meant to me. Having the priest (luckily)come the day before she passed and praying out loud with him also gave her comfort. He might just be fearful of dying and doesn't want to upset anyone including himself. Still waters run deep and some people just don't say what's in their heart.

You NEVER EVER force a dying person to speak about dying if they do not wish to.
You completely follow THEIR OWN LEAD. This is theirs. This is about them.
I say this as an RN.

And if some dumb young RN ever tells you to tell them, at the end, that it is OK to go, I would ignore that advice. When my RN hospice RN friend said that to her bro, dying of AIDS, he looked at her with utter horror and his face said it all, which was "What the HECK (not the word); am I actually DYING??" It was a look of horror and terror and she says it was the most awful lesson she got as a nurse.
It's OK to say, "don't worry. I love you so much. You are always with me. I remember everything you taught me..".anything you like of comfort. But do not make them speak about dying if they don't wish to, nor acknowledge it if they fear it, nor talk about anything.

The death bed scenes are best left to Hollywood. It is often not how it goes.
Just my humble opinion.

You answered your own question when you said that you "want him to know his life was important and how much he means to me."
So start by telling him that and see where the conversation goes. You do not want anything left unsaid between the 2 of you.

Just sit with dad and tell him what you've told us, how much he means to you and how important his life has been thus far, his accomplishments. There's no need to talk about about death unless he brings it up.

My father was closed down emotionally also, and dying of a brain tumor. So I got in bed next to him, put my head on his shoulder and said all those things to him myself.

Best of luck and I'm sorry you're going thru such a difficult situation.

That's a hard one for me and my family also.

When my dad was in the hospital his heart failed, they brought him back , so we could bring him home to die ( I know!) anyways when they brought him back he yelled at the nurse, He said!!! "what did you do that for" . Totally believe the nurse because that sounded exactly like something my father would say. A few weeks later at home on hospice, he told me he was scared. I didn't remind him what happened wasn't sure if that was a good idea or not. But I did tell him, I don't know what happens but I know one thing, I know it's peaceful, I know you will find peace. And I believe that in my sole, so he believed it also.

That's the only thing I got that's helpful. Best of luck, I'm so sorry, 🙏😔