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Eyelashes are supposed to keep things from getting into your eyes. But the only thing that keeps getting into my eyes are eyelashes.

It’s eye-ronic.
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Sorry, I’m late! 
Traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past five years and I was not expecting that.
(3)
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My biggest issue with meetings is that, despite their name, they are rarely about me.
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Maybe this world is another planet's hell.
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If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.
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If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
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After accomplishing a goal just look around to see whether you lost something or someone.
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Pair up in threes.
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No one goes there nowadays, it’s too crowded.
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You can observe a lot by just watching.
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If you got every human on the Planet to join hands in a line around the equator, most of them would drown.
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🙂 "Anytime I see an autobiography on the shelf I just skip to the about the author section."
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"A duck's opinion of you is directly correlated to whether or not you have bread."
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"Somebody stole my mood ring, and I don't know how I feel about that."
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"Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes."
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"It's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs."
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“Choosing a dog may be the only chance you get to pick a relative.”
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“I have a memory like an elephant. In fact, elephants often consult me.”
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🙂 “I always pronounce one word wrong. Wrong.”
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“I got help for my ATM addiction, but went through withdrawals first.“
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“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: You wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.”
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“I’m not crazy — I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 60 years.”
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“From the ages of 8-18, my family and I moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
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“Even if I wanted to go, my schedule wouldn’t allow it. 4:00, wallow in self-pity; 4:30, stare into the abyss; 5:00, solve world hunger, tell no one; 5:30, Jazzercise; 6:30, dinner with me — I can’t cancel that again; 7:00, wrestle with my self-loathing...I’m booked.”
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“Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!”
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“I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.”
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Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.
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Comic strip:

An old grandmother, dressed in pink, holding on to her purse, is waiting for the bus at the bus stop.

The Grim Reaper appears next to her, with his scythe and dressed in black.

“Nice hoodie!” she says to him.

(The title of the comic strip is: Flirting with Death)
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If I don’t have some cake soon, I might die.
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I was helping with an older Alzheimer's patient. She was really attached to me. One day after helping her do something, she sighed and said " your such a bread basket" I took it as a good thing

That's sweet diannek my thinker is tired today. 😆
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