Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!

I saw one earlier that made me chuckle, no disrespect intended, just so random it's funny. It said, "The sinking of the Titanic must have been a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen."

I wanted to thank y'all for all the great jokes. My day had been rough and y'all made my day. Haven't chuckled and laughed that hard in a long time.

Ahem, it still is. Officially it's the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. So far, anyway.

I have heard wonderful things about contemporary New Zealand cookery, but I haven't been able to get over my Kiwi friend's butterscotch meringue pie to investigate further. My teeth ache even now, thirty years later, just thinking about that pudding - the butterscotch as a tangy counterpoint to the meringue. Ow.

It does say Australia and New Zealand (and no doubt Canada fits in there too), probably much more provincial than the UK - or was it still Great Britain then?

It is funny, but almost none of it's true. What about Coronation Chicken? What about curry lunches? Peter Boizot opened Pizza Express in Soho in 1965. Veeraswamy's has been going since at least the 1920s.

My mother did give me white bread with sugar on it for supper, and told me I didn't like mushrooms, garlic or ginger. But then I blame my mother for quite a lot - ! And on the plus side, she certainly did know what a "kobob" was - her childhood Calcutta (or Kolkotha) accent coming to the fore, there.

Bit of a long one :)

EATING IN THE FIFTIES and SIXTIES (so, so true)

Pasta was not eaten in Australia or N.Z.
Curry was a surname.
A takeaway was a mathematical problem.
A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.
All potato crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the salt on or not.
Rice was only eaten as a milk pudding.
Calamari was called squid and we used it as fish bait.
A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.
Brown bread was something only poor people ate.
Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking.
Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.
Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold. Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.
Fish didn't have fingers in those days.
Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.
None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.
Healthy food consisted of anything edible.
People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy. (Except on Bonfire night)
Indian restaurants were only found in India.
Cooking outside was called camping.
Seaweed was not a recognised food.
"Kebab" was not even a word, never mind a food.
Prunes were medicinal.
Surprisingly, muesli was readily available, it was called cattle feed.
Water came out of the tap. If someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than petrol for it, they would have become a laughing stock!!.

BUT the one thing that we never ever had on our table in the sixties....Elbows or Phones

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day.

A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Gardening With Grandma

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a see-through blouse on and no bra.

Her grandmother has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager tells her 'Loosen up Grams.’ These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!' And out she goes..

The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and her grandmother is sitting there with no top on.

The teenager wants to die! She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over, and that it is just not appropriate…

The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie.’ If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.

If you want to find out who loves you more, stick your wife and dog in the trunk of your car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is happy to see you?


Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s just how I roll.

I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. What a waste of thyme.

I was born to be a pessimist.
My blood type is B Negative.


Actually mine is sss O positive. lol

My friend said to me
"What rhymes with orange"


I said "No it doesn't"

I tried a few in the hope they were to your tastes. :)

Now here are a few in my weird and wacky taste - my bad. Few few are silly giggles. lol I apologise in advance.

1. A man is walking in the desert with his horse and his dog when the dog says,
“I can’t do this. I need water.”
The man says, “I didn’t know dogs could talk.”

The horse says, “Me neither!”

2. How Long is a Chinese man’s name.
No, it actually is.

3. What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
OMG!!!!!!! BREATHE!! BREATHEEEEE!!!!!

4. What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
Same middle name.

5. My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

6. A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana.
As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.
They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch.
At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress,
“Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?”
She leaned over the counter and said, “Burrr-gerrr Kiiing.”

Q. Why can't Harry Potter tell the difference between the pot he uses to make potions and his best friend?

A. They're both cauld ron.

Q. What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

A. A hippo is really heavy, and a Zippo is a little lighter.

Boom! boom!

I'm a big fan of whiteboards.
I find them quite re-markable.

A woman called the airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.

“Sure,” they said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.”
They further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.

The flummoxed customer said :
“I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”

What did Snow White say when her photos weren't ready yet?

Some Day My Prints Will Come!

Before google, there were librarians.

Here are some queries posed to the poor, suffering staff of public libraries:

• A woman wanted “inspirational material on grass and lawns.”

• “Who built the English Channel?”

• “Is there a full moon every night in Acapulco?”

• “Music suitable for a doll wedding to take place between a Shirley Temple doll and a teddy bear.”

• “Can the New York Public Library recommend a good forger?”

As the hostess at the casino buffet showed me to my table, I asked her to keep an eye out for my husband, who would be joining me momentarily.

I started to describe him: “He has grey hair, wears glasses, has a potbelly ...”

She stopped me there.

“Honey,” she said, “today is senior day. They all look like that.”

At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist’s work.

They finally went with mine.

“I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral,” I said.

“No,” said the boy. “Your painting’s wider, so it’ll cover three holes in our wall.”

Thank you so much cwillie - that is my aim.
One smile a day helps us through, I think. :)

Where do you find all these BuzzyBee, you are a bottomless fount of smiles 😁

When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk, my brother-in-law answered,
“Marc, with a C.”

Minutes later, he was handed his coffee with his name written on the side:
Cark.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

Posted by someone else, found by me. lol


My collection of vintage kitchen utensils includes one whose intended purpose was always a mystery.

It looks like a cross between a metal slotted spoon and a spatula, so I use it as both.

When not in use, it is prominently displayed in a decorative ceramic utensil caddy in my kitchen.

The mystery of the spoon/spatula was recently solved when I found one in its original packaging at a rummage sale.




It’s a pooper-scooper.

I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight.

“Was anything wrong with them?” the clerk asked.

“Yes,” I said. “They hurt my feelings.”

From Reddit its disrespectful but with my sense of humour........... well............... lol

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail.

With his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him ...(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)...

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

(is meant to be a joke - no offence)

A man boards a plane and is seated next to an Air Marshall and his ‘sniffing dog’. Soon, the plane takes off and the Marshall says, “Sniffer, search.” The dog walks along the aisle, and stops next to a woman. He then returns to his seat and puts a paw on the Marshall’s arm.

“Good boy,” says the Marshall.

“What happened?” asks the man.

“That woman is in possession of marijuana. We’ll arrest her when we land.”

Once again, Sniffer searches the aisles. He stops beside a man, then returns to his seat, and places two paws on the Marshall’s arm.

“That man is carrying cocaine,” the Marshall explains.

The dog walks up the aisle again, then races back, jumps into his seat, and poops all over it.

“What’s going on?!” demands the man.

The Marshall nervously replies, “He just found a bomb!”

A poodle and a collie are walking down the street when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend’s having an affair with a German shepherd, and I’m as nervous as a cat.”

“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist,” suggests the collie.

“I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”

Wife: Do you want dinner?

Husband: Sure, what are my choices?

Wife: Yes and no.

****************
This man was really lonely, so he posted an ad on a popular website.
The ad said, simply: "Wife wanted."

He was surprised the next morning to find he had over a hundred replies in his inbox. Unfortunately, they all said the same thing:

"You can have mine."