Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!

Lady is married to a fireman. Very overbearing kinda guy. He tells if he’s outside and yells CODE 1, that means to get in the house.

If he yells CODE 2, she best run into the bedroom.

When he yells CODE 3, that means to drop the laundry.

One day he yells all the codes at her. She follows his orders. He runs in and jumps in bed. Wife yells CODE 4! Hubs says, what the hell is code 4? Wife replies, WE NEED MORE HOSE OVER HERE....

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work...

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$150"

Man - "Sold."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?"

Boy - "$350"

Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The boy says, "$500" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."

There was an earthquake in Washington DC. It was the government's fault.

So I took my car to the mechanic and he said, "Looks like you blew a seal." I said, "Look, buddy, just fix the car, OK? Leave my private life out of it."

Kimber166, is he related to the dyslexic agnostic who wasn't sure if he believed in dog?

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to SANTA?

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the sales clerk, “How much is Barbie?”

“Well,” she says, “we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.”

“Hey, hang on,” the guy asks, “why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?”

“Yeah, well, because….Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…”

Two elderly women are eating breakfast in a restaurant. Ethel notices something funny about Mabel’s ear and, looking closer,  she says, ‘”Mabel, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?” Mabel answers, “Did you say a suppository?!” She pulls it out and stares at it. Then she gets a big smile and says, “Ethel, I’m so glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.”

A man walks into a pet store. He tells the attendant that he is chasing something a little different, “everyone has dogs and cats and birds and fish, I want something different”

The attendant says “I’ve got just the thing, here, we have a talking centipede”

“Perfect," says the man, "that sounds great I'll take one of those”

He gets the centipede home and says “Mr. Centipede, would you like to go down the pub and have a couple of beers?”

The man gets no response. Maybe he is a little shaken up from the ride home he thinks. I’ll give him 10 mins and ask again.

10 mins later the man says “Would you like head down the pub for a beer?

Again no response. The man thinks to himself. I’ll give him another 15mins and if he doesn’t reply I’m taking him back.

15 mins later the man says to the centipede “Mate, do you want to go down the pub for a beer or not?!”

The centipede replies “I’m putting my shoes on, you impatient bastard!”

April showers bring May flowers, but do you know what May flowers bring?

Pilgrims

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer thinks blondes are dumb and that he can get one over on her easily, so the lawyer asks if the blonde would like to play a fun game.

The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to fall asleep.

The lawyer persists saying that the game is a lot of fun. "I'll ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5, then you'll ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The blonde quietly reaches into her pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it's the blonde's turn. She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all the references he could find on the internet; he sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the blonde up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

Two blind pilots enter a plane..

They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets shorter and shorter, and the plane is rushing towards a fence.

The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the plane lifts, avoiding the fence at the last second. All the passengers calm down, thinking it was a bad joke.

In the pilot cabin, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says : "You know what? One day they're going to scream too late, and we're all going to die"

Since Easter is on April Fool's Day this year, parents can save themselves a lot of time and trouble by just saying they hid eggs.

Bubba's pickup truck had crashed and caught fire. It was assumed that the body inside was Bubba's, but it was difficult to be sure because it was so badly burned. The sheriff and the medical examiner were discussing the problem at the morgue.

The medical examiner said, "Well, it could be Bubba and probably is, but I can't really say for sure because of the condition of the body. We'll need to get dental records to tell for sure." The sheriff said, "Yes but that will take time. I'd like to be able to tell his family something before that." The medical examiner said, "Bubba's friends Vern and Elmer aren't the brightest Crayolas in the box, but they probably know Bubba better than anybody else. If anyone can look at this body and say whether it's Bubba, it would be one of them." The sheriff said, "Ok, I'll go find them and ask them to come take a look."

The sheriff came back with Vern and Elmer. Vern came in to look at the body. He said,"I don't know. It's hard to tell since the body is so burned. Hey, I know. Turn him over onto his stomach." They rolled the body over, Vern looked closely and said, "That's definitely not Bubba." They turned the body back over and brought in Elmer. He said, "It's really hard to say. Turn him over on his stomach." Elmer took a close look and said, "Ok, now I'm positive that isn't Bubba."

The sheriff said, "I don't get it. You both look at this body from the front and can't tell, but you both look at it from the back and you're sure it isn't Bubba. Why is that?"

Elmer said, "Because Bubba's got two a$$holes." The sheriff and medical examiner both stared at him in amazement, and Vern said, "Yeah. That's how I knew it wasn't him."

The medical examiner said, "I've been a medical examiner for over 20 years and I've never heard of such a thing. Has either of you actually seen this condition?" Elmer said, "No, but it's true. Everybody knows it." The sheriff said, "What do you mean everybody knows it? How do you know everybody knows it?" Elmer said, "Well, every time me and Bubba and Vern go anywhere, people say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two a$$holes.'"

The doctor gave me 4 months to live.
So I shot him. Judge gave me 20 years. Problem Solved.

These jokes are really funny! Hey, if you can't laugh about the situation, all you'll do is cry.

Heard in the operating theater "no,no! nurse!! I said remove his SPECTACLES!" (that one always makes my men friends wince)

I read a story about doctors some time ago and this is one of the best.
A gyno was to perform his first unsupervised exam on a lady. He was nervous as could be. So to hide his nervousness he began to whistle a tune. The patient began laughing almost uncontrolled. When the Dr. ask what was so funny, she responded that the tune he was whistling was the Oscar Meyer hot dog tune.

The optician fell into the lens grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.

If you don't pay your exorcist you'll get repossessed.

If you run in front of a car you'll get tired...
But if you run behind the car you'll get exhausted

My husband was very pleased with me. I managed to eat most of what was on my plate. I eat little an often but this one was a little bigger than usual.

He said to me
"Well done. That will make you a big, strong, girl"


One out of 3 isn't bad. Hahahaha
Well I am 72/3(so not a girl), Have arthritis (so not strong) overweight hahaha
If you cannot laugh at yourself, should you really laugh at others?
With YES but AT????

Husband and wife are sitting around one evening and she asks, "Dear, if I died, would you remarry?" He says, "Well, I suppose I probably would. You'd want me to, wouldn't you? You wouldn't want me to be lonely?" She says, "That's true. But would you let your new wife wear my jewelry?" He says, "I guess. You wouldn't have any use for it, so I suppose she might as well, don't you think?" She says, "I suppose so. Would you let her drive my car?" He says, "Well, again, you wouldn't be driving it, so I suppose she might as well get some use out of it." She says, "That makes sense, I guess. Would you let her use my golf clubs?" He says, "No, she couldn't use those. She's left handed."

Did you hear about the man who boiled a hyena? Made himself a laughing stock.

Thank you all for the jokes - i'm laughing like crazy and my DH thinks i'm finally cracking up.

Why did the Israelites wander in the desert for forty years?

Moses refused to stop and ask for directions.

Not exactly a joke but I saw a funny saying on a t-shirt: I don't have kids. My dog's allergic.

I have a bumper sticker on my car that says "Honk if you think I'm sexy"

Then I wait at a green light to make me feel good about myself.

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"